SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

SAF, I'm no fortune teller but, I would be willing to bet my last nickle that in a year, maybe two, she is going to be wondering "what the hell was I thinking". We will see how they cope after getting exactly what they thought they wanted. My guess is that it won't be pretty.

Please take care of yourself and make only decisions that are in the best interest of you and your children. A one sided stab at R is like trying to herd cats.

SAF, so sorry. I know you were hoping for other news.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE protect yourself. Do not allow this child to be born with your name on the birth certificate. Depending on the laws in your state, you could be on the hook for 18 years of CS.

Get to an attorney pronto and protect your interests. This also means doing the right thing for YOUR kids... because if you are paying for a kid that isn't yours, that is less money for their college degrees, living expenses, activities, etc.

You can always reconcile and re-marry if she wakes up and you aren't gone (mentally). Don't allow her to call all the shots.

good luck.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE protect yourself. Do not allow this child to be born with your name on the birth certificate. Depending on the laws in your state, you could be on the hook for 18 years of CS.

I have talked to a lawyer about this. I'm not worried about being financially responsible because they intend to establish paternity to the state. Even if we stay together the OM will be responsible. I don't think my WW and the OM realize this yet, but the child will almost certainly have my last name at birth. Divorce takes six months in this state and so no matter what we will technically be married when the child is born. Any child born to a married woman will have the husband's name in this state. They want the child to have the OM's name but they'd have to change it later. Unfortunately, this means that the child will forever have to write down my name on any forms which ask about "Former Last Names". They will have to explain to the child why s/he used to have the same name as his/her siblings.

They may intend to establish paternity, but intending and doing are two different things. count on them being lazy and/or deceitful, that is the path they are choosing.

Many people here had spouses who wanted a divorce, yet were too lazy to do the work. Do not trust her to do anything that needs to be done.

I am so sorry. Gently, I agree on seeing the attorney and protecting your kids and you. If I were you, I'd even file for full custody of your kids. This may throw reality her way.

I haven't posted - but have been reading.

I am so sorry.

I'm not worried about being financially responsible because they intend to establish paternity to the state. Even if we stay together the OM will be responsible.

Gently, SAF, you need to snap out of this line of thinking. Your wife and OM are happy to be having a baby together but she has taken no steps to divorce you. That's because she's lazy and cake eating. You should throw all ideas of R out the window. How on earth could you get back together with a wife whose relieved and even happy her baby is fathered by another man when she's still married and has two other children?? That's sociopathic. You need to file for divorce, full custody of the kids, and make sure paternity is known and documented from the get go.

What if this guy spends a week with sleepless nights and decides to bail? If that happens, your wife will come crawling back to you for financial support and most likely start looking for a new OM within six months. She has shown you that she couldn't be any further from remorseful. This is not going to change. You must take action now. And I would fight giving that child your last name. That's not healthy for anyone.

We all know it's hard but you need to take a deep breath and go guns a blazing to make sure you and your children are taken care of as right now you're being taken advantage of.

Hugs and stay strong.

warning: I'm about to be somewhat harsh here. SAF, you can be angry with me, but try to protect yourself from some of these worst case scenarios.

I have talked to a lawyer about this. I'm not worried about being financially responsible because they intend to establish paternity to the state. Even if we stay together the OM will be responsible.

I hear you... but that is assuming they are honorable people. (which, if they were, they wouldn't have had an affair!) Going to throw out another scenario - which could happen if you don't protect your rights.

Child is born and you are listed as father on birth certificate (assumption since you are married to mother). Child gets your last name. In a year, you divorce because she continues to see him, text him, flirt with him... and finally you can't take it. You divorce and are now paying child support for a child that isn't yours because you never legally established paternity for child.

I know you are assuming that she and OM will establish paternity. But why should they do that? You are supporting them both - he doesn't have to pay anything - he still was getting his "benefits" in playing happy family without the financial cost of doing so.

Why is your wife so insistent on establishing HIS paternity rights? So she can continue a relationship with him. When you finally lay down the law with her, then she may not bother - because she can stick it to you financially if you have to pay child support for an extra kid.

Is that really worth the "I'm going to stick it to them by making the kid have my last name at birth" revenge right now?

She and OM can even decide they are going to consciously play you... I can see this conversation:

"he wants kid to have our {married} last name at birth"

"great, let him. put his name as father on birth certificate. Better yet, let's just tell him we'll establish paternity and never bother. After 1 yr. or 2 yrs., you can divorce him and he's lost the window of time and child is assumed to be his. I'll save extra money in an account for child, but you can still nail him for legal child support."

I know I'm being cynical and looking for worst case scenarios, but have they been honorable? She was RELIEVED it was OM's. You think she is really committed to this marriage? If she was committed to the marriage, she would be terrified to have that last link. They are now linked for the rest of their lives - and she was relieved.

She should have been quaking in her boots, terrified she would lost the best thing that ever happened to her - you. She isn't terrified of that, because she knows she's got you strung along.

I'm sorry. I can't imagine the pain of this. But don't let them willingly cast you in the patsy role.

Unfortunately, this means that the child will forever have to write down my name on any forms which ask about "Former Last Names". They will have to explain to the child why s/he used to have the same name as his/her siblings.

That'll show em'!!

Come on, Strange. Do you really think your WW & the AP are going to tell the OC that she/he had a different last name for a short time while an infant/toddler?

Did you tell her mother/parents about the affair while they were there visiting?

Can you petition to keep your name from being listed as father on the birth certificate since you now have proof.

Your wife's behavior reminds me of the OW in our case who tried to get pregnant on purpose but didn't succeed. This OW married twice had 7 kids with 4 different men. There are many stories on here about OWs who try to get pregnant on purpose so they can have a permanent link to the AP and some do this to entrap the man into a relationship. Thing is your WW does not regret her actions or how it will impact your children.

You need to protect your kids from their selfish mother. She does not have their interests in her heart like a good mother would. In fact your wife may be suffering with some kind of mental illness given her actions and poor decisions. If this is so that will make your kids lives more difficult as these situations may reoccur with other men. It's doubtful that things will work out longterm with the OM... You need to think of creating a safety buffer for your kids now to protect them from her actions.

I hope you follow other's advice and try for full custody and exclusive use of the home for you and your kids. Hope you can find an attorney who specializes in father's rights.

It's admirable how hard you have tried to make this work for your kids sake. Given their young ages they may not be as affected as an older child.

[This message edited by whattheh at 4:23 PM, April 12th (Saturday)]

SAF

Do your inlaws know their daughter, your wife is carrying the OM's child?

Will your inlaws be upset?

Will it bother them if the child is biracial?

Have you figured out what your next steps will be?

HM

That'll show em'!!

You think that will show 'em what? This makes no sense. They will have to tell the kid at some point. Some people need to know former last names, like the social security office or the state department.

Myalterego -

They don't have to establish his paternity in order for me to be protected. I can disestablish mine at any point after the birth for up to two years. So even if they scheme as outlined in your worst case scenario I am still legally protected. Thanks for pointing it out, though.

SAF,

Ok, I'm going to swing a 2x4 so don't read if you don't want to hear it....

What do you want to gain from posting here? So far you haven't taken anyone's advice, you've been snarky with people, you argue everyone's point and I notice that you don't answer a lot of people's questions. SO, let's flip it around.

What exactly are you looking for here? Is it a place to just vent and say, "hey, I'm not going to do anything I'm just pissed"? Or are you seeking advice? This would help so people offering you advice, that you don't want, won't bother wasting their time.

Lastly, your children may be young but this is going to be their familial history: Their Mom cheated on their Dad, purposely got pregnant and planned on leaving. Was elated that she did get pregnant and the Father was not their Dad and then had no problem carrying on with the OC's dad and live with their Father. And their Dad was ok with it. You better make sure you don't end up paying for child support for this OC because your biological kids are going to need that money for therapy.

Sorry for the 2x4, but dude - you need to stop this insanity. Because it is insanity. File for D & full custody.

Stay strong.

Early on in your thread, you asked for people to plea to your intellect. I'm sure you're a bright guy. You just don't seem to realize that you can't intellectualize this. This isn't a computer program to debug. Your little kids' feelings (emotions) need protection from further harm. Feel that. Don't think that.

That'll show em'!!

This is sarcasm that makes total sense. What doesn't make sense is for you to be responding to it and not answering the many other questions,,which are much more important. It's called denial. You are living in an emotional and situational denial. Do you seriously think that the child's initial and subsequent "last names" are a concern for anyone. If so, surely you see your being a bit self-satisfied about this little "victory" is the equivalent of hitting back with a pillow after having been mauled by a bear.

I really hope you will let go of the guilt you're carrying. You've said you worked hard and you obviously weren't a perfect husband and father, since no one is perfect. Your wife's affair is not because of that. Do you believe that, or not? Divorcing you would have been an acceptable path for her to choose, once she stopped caring about you, but intentionally getting pregnant by her AF was not. Consider your children above all else. Move toward reality, which is being presented to you here repeatedly. Leave behind the alternate reality you have created to protect not your intellect but your feelings, my friend. Let go of that facade of false hope, paralysis due to fear and lack of understanding. Then, stand up tall and be the father you can choose to be, a father who protects his children from being hurt.

[This message edited by nomistakeaboutit at 7:43 AM, April 13th (Sunday)]

Are you going to file for a divorce? If so, I certainly hope you ask for full custody. Your WW is obviously to wrapped up in OM and his baby to concern herself with her other children.

Happy and relieved? Wow. Not only is this a betrayal of you..but also she has betrayed your children.

I am so very sorry. No advice seeing that you haven't asked for any. IMO, you have handled this just fine and are making your way. Take all the time you need. Again, I'm sorry.

I have to agree with Cliffside & Nomistakeaboutit. Everyone here feels bad about your situation. And everyone who has posted on this thread is trying to help you.

You say you're here for help & advice. Yet you refuse to engage in the thread. People have asked many questions that you just choose to ignore. And the advice that has been offered, you either argue with it or act like it's the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard.

Although I would agree it is more common for a WW-husband to get their female AP pregnant, resulting in an OC; there are plenty of BS's here who are men who had a BW who had an OC with their AP.

In the end, it really doesn't matter. The formula for trying to save your marriage is VERY MUCH THE SAME. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Like someone said earlier in this 30+ page thread "You must be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it."

Your WW has to be on board with this reconciliation. 110%. Not sort of. Not maybe still "only talking at work" to the AP. Not still "flirting" with the AP. And certainly NOT RELEIVED THAT THE BABY IS THE AP'S!!!!

Right now, you have nothing but an open marriage. So you may as well move the AP into your house and into your bedroom. Because that's the only thing missing in your situation.

The Ultimate Cuckolding Scenario...right here, from start to finish, on this thread.

And all the clichés are in place.

I agree - Cuckolding.

They will have to explain to the child why s/he used to have the same name as his/her siblings.

And so you tell the child they were conceived during a marriage with another partner. The child has a right to know what happened.

Either you stay or you go.