SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Peace and strength to you. And try to remember that you may be the only thinking parent that your kids have right now, so please take care of yourself. It is in their best interest :)

Why ya'll feeling sorry for this guy?

You've given him 35 pages of common-sense and 2x4s and he's exactly how he was on page #1

His wife's done exactly what any wife would do, given they were married to such a guy: had an affair with a younger black guy, tried for a baby with him, succeeded, knowing husband will suck it up, accept it and try for 'R', so husband can look after the baby and pay support while she carries on with her black stud.

This is exactly why OMs go after married women and exactly why wives cheat: it's a no-brainier fir both parties!

The OM owns this guy's wife and his marriage.

LOL. @ all the "I'm so sorry" comments.

It is SAF's choice to take some advice, no advice, or all advice given. This is a support group. You're not owed anything by posting here except respect. He seems respectful. He is entitled to respect in return.

[This message edited by ProbableIceCream at 1:22 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)]

RichieBlue46...

Since you have nothing constructive to add to this thread, stay off it.

Strange,

What's going on? Are you still with us?

How are you?

I wish there was an UBER LIKE button for the post Deeply Scared just made.

(I posted this in the "Where's SAF?" thread but I'm putting it here as well for sake of continuity.)

Hi all - I'm alive and well! Although I haven't posted recently I have been reading comments on my thread (and other threads, too!). Life has been very busy lately and I haven't had the time or energy to compose a thoughtful entry.

I'm actually in a pretty good place right now. Physically, emotionally and mentally I arrived at a measure of peace with the idea of filing for divorce. Then, out of nowhere, she started making signs of wanting to reconcile. For the first time I'm feeling empowered. Three months ago I probably would have grasped onto anything she might have offered me. Now, because I was ready to move on anyway, I'm in a position to decide whether our needs and wants are mutually compatible. With a lot of help from friends both here and IRL I have finally realized there IS a life waiting for me on the far side of whatever happens in the short term.

Other news - it's a boy. Obviously, the circumstances are far from ideal. Yet I can honestly say that I'm excited that my sons will have a little brother who will be their little brother long after I'm gone from this earth. I'm starting to see real signs from my WW that she is really considering what is best for the kids rather than just herself. I hope that continues no matter what happens to the marriage.

I was ready to move on anyway

out of nowhere, she started making signs of wanting to reconcile

You realize that these are connected right?

Strength

SAF - Glad to hear from you. Also can hear some positivity in your post. Even though your situation is unique, your being deserving of nothing but love, honesty, respect, and devotion from your spouse is not.

Please know that we got your back and I hope you have found the strength to demand the above without hesitation.

Glad to see that you are alive and kicking SAF!! Sounds like you may be evolving to being in the driver seat. I like to see that forward progress for you and your family.

Still pulling for you SAF!

For the first time I'm feeling empowered

.

This is VERY good. It's a huge step when you're no longer being held hostage by your emotions and the situation at hand. Getting to that strength and clarity is vital in making those very tough and life altering decisions.

Then, out of nowhere, she started making signs of wanting to reconcile.

The real test is in her actions. Please be vigilant in measuring this. We are all pulling for you and your kids.

Dear SAF,

Her starting to make noises about reconciliation come from her realizing that you are moving on in life and not with her.

Pretty common.

And I'm really glad you are starting to find some peace. It comes through in your post. You deserve it.

k9

If this is real you have to separate yourself from her.

So is she going to have sex with you?

Or are you going to film it with him.

Good grief.

[This message edited by Tom67 at 2:05 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)]

I have a feeling that you have many more hard lessons ahead.

Trolls be trolling!

I think all of us are urging caution, as many of us have seen the same thing--the WS making the right noises as we start to distance ourselves and feel that ending the marriage is our determined course of action.

What you do now is very important.

First of all, it is okay (and even encouraged) for you to set your boundaries and require behaviors and actions from her that will show you that she is indeed committed to reconciliation. Instead of "she shouldn't flirt with him," it should be "no contact other than work with him." It should allow for you to have access to all the "tools of the affair," including email, Facebook, LinkedIn, smoke signals, etc., etc. There should also be a long-term plan for her to find employment elsewhere.

Second, believe only actions. Words are nice, but they need to be backed up with consistent action. A truly remorseful spouse "gets it" that they need to show consistent behavior over time to earn trust. Watch for impatience, irritation, etc. that things aren't immediately rosy and that they aren't immediately "off the hook" in terms of working through the devastation of their affair.

Third, in your situation, I think you need to have a united front with regards to how you manage the presence of the AP in your lives because he is the biological father of her yet-to-be-born child. I am assuming he knows at this point, especially since your WW has not been remorseful or committed to your marriage. How are you going to handle his continued presence? You both HAVE to be on the same page, rallied around the marriage. Otherwise, this isn't going to work. Legally and emotionally, you have to be united. She must be in agreement about how you proceed on both fronts and she must act accordingly.

We're not all here specifically to rain on your parade, but so many of us have been through the particular circle of hell that is a false reconciliation and we want you to proceed with caution and understand that false pretenses are VERY common at this stage. REAL reconciliation is hard work. It involves taking responsibility for a lot of odious behaviors. It involves self-introspection and a great deal of coming to grips with some pretty ugly stuff. Since many waywards are into escapism (hence affairs), this particular avenue is distasteful to them and you'll start getting the "do we have to go over that again," and "why can't we just move on" when the work gets hard.

Your particular situation makes it especially challenging.

Cat

To sum it up SAF we worry about you.

Because once that child is born your life, your wifes life and your kids life will change forever.

And how the OM who is the father of that gets "handled" could really effect your marriage going into the future.

Again, I am sure you have considered all of this.

But you know what you really have not much choice.

Your wife made some truly horrible decisions that all of you have to come to terms with.

Especially if you do reconcile and raise that child as your own.

You are in my prayers.

HM

After I filed for divorce in 2011 and my ex then moved to North Dakota, he asked me to come up there and reconcile, find a house to buy, etc. No can do, dude. The filing for divorce was the "stick a fork in it, it's done" defining moment for me. He never saw it coming. I suppose it's like that for your situation too. You've done so much groveling that she wasn't expecting you to distance yourself. Stay strong. Nothing that's going to happen in your near future is going to be easy or pleasant, but that doesn't mean that it won't be OK.

Hi SAF, for YOUR sake and sanity, read and read again the post from CAT on this page. It is WISE!

Then, out of nowhere, she started making signs of wanting to reconcile.

Why do you think that is? Take time to consider this. People always have a reason behind what they say and do.

PS...DS does NOT allow trolls at SI... Rest assured.

Hmmm...coming up to a month of total silence. I wonder why?

Wonder no more: basically, what's happened here is this:

* SAF has caved-in and taken his wife back.

* His wife is going to have her younger black boyfriend's baby.

* SAF is going to look after, care for and raise the baby.

* His wife and her black boyfriend are going to pick up where they left off.

* The Cuckold, His Wife and Her Bull: everyone's happy.