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Guinness, you almost made me lose my laptop. The mental image of the pregnant roach in the suit giving birth made me spew tonic over my laptop, the cat, and the sofa. I now have a sticky keyboard, a pissed off cat, a couple of clawmarks on my jeans where she took off from, and a damp spot on the couch.

Guinness, you almost made me lose my laptop. The mental image of the pregnant roach in the suit giving birth made me spew tonic over my laptop, the cat, and the sofa. I now have a sticky keyboard, a pissed off cat, a couple of clawmarks on my jeans where she took off from, and a damp spot on the couch

Um...sorry??

It's TRUE, right??

Guinness,

Thanks very much for your post. It is hard to detach. 19 years is a long time to be with someone. Someone who apparently went from super wife to complete stranger overnight.

I went to see my son murder his violin yesterday afternoon at his school. CSTBX was there. She didn't look too pleased to see me. She also sat on her own. None of the other school parents seem to talk to her.

You are welcome.

This year would have been my 20th anniversary. Even after all the time I have been without him, it still creeps up and hurts for he took the best chunk of my life physically and my youthful 20's and thirties and then was dropped when a younger fetile model came by.

The key is the acceptance that I would NEVER, EVER, EVER UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES take him back. What he did WAS a HUGE dealbreaker. He was given MANY chances to wake up from his delusion before spoiling everything and the ugliness and stupidity stayed. He wanted to remain friends but with friends like that, you don't need enemies.

Fast forward to today and he has three illegitmate mouths to feed and a live in babysitter he can fuck all he wants now knowing the gumball machine WILL crank out more expensive kids. He doesn't know the meaning of the word "love" and can never process fully all he did to me. The AP/baby machine/ babysitter is 5 years out now living with the decision she made. My ex is a suave personable sweet man on the outside who can make anyone his number one person IN THAT MOMENT. I am SURE she has found out the real deal now that the shine wore off their "love" and they have to see each other in day to day reality over diapers and bills and kid rearing. For me, I cut every social media of them OFF in 2009 and forbid friends and family to tell me "the latest" about them. Their reality that lives in the back of their mind now also includes the reality of the fact that HE cheats on his significant other and she has a track record of stealing husbands. Your STBX and GRU will be living this nightmare, too and you can sit back and grab some popcorn.

The kids are another story I feel for your sons AND the unborn kid for he/she had NOTHING to do with whose stomach he/she was put into. Please remember that. Grulet is an innocent. The kid that was the final nail in the coffin of my marriage will be 5 in May. She had NO say in who her "parents" would be. I will tell you this: dogs give life, too. And they are better parents.

She didn't look too pleased to see me. She also sat on her own. None of the other school parents seem to talk to her.

Of COURSE she wasn't pleased. You are a constant reminder that bursts her bubble of what she did. If she can make YOU the villain then she can look at herself in the mirror one more day. That is why ALL the cheaters blame their spouse. It really hurts until you realize the problem is not you it is them. Were you perfect? Who is. That didn't give them the greenlight to cheat. deep down they KNOW it. My ex had told me finally "I never thought I'd be 'that guy.'"

She shows up to the kids events huge and pregnant and the gossips KNOW she isn't even divorced yet and she's shacked up with Gru. The schools MUST gossip about the arrangement that is so unfair to you. The kids may even show their displeasure,too which doesn't go unnoticed. SHE IS their worst nightmare. She is the type of woman those other woman shun because they are scared in their own marriages.

Aas--

I just wanted to remind you that your X was not a "super wife". I feel that it is important that you remember that. You mention occasionally that you now realize that she was not fully invested; you have those emails she wrote to her friend. Be careful not to idealize what you had.

I thought I had a good M prior to my H's LTA discovery. Now that he has done the work and truly become invested the difference is amazing. I realize I was settling for 28 years. I now get to discover what it feels like to be in a relationship that is equally giving, equally loving.

Perhaps your X is incapable of that. Perhaps she is truly capable of that with Gru (although with someone who is as cruel as she has been it seems unlikely). It is massively unfair what she has put you through and most of us would like to see karma hit her and Gru. But, gently, what would be healthiest for your boys and the baby would be for your X and Gru to be in a good relationship. Since you will never get back together, and you wouldn't want a woman who can't love you properly anyway, that is the next best thing. It brings stability to the boys lives. It's even best that they have a good relationship with Gru. I know it's like eating glass to think that, it's even hard to write, but I do believe it's true.

I believe that you will find an equally loving relationship when you are ready. I think that you are amazing and deserve only good things to come your way.

Best of luck.

Cat

Guiness,

If acceptance is purely linked with knowing that I WILL NEVER EVER HAVE HER BACK then I reached that at least 7 months ago. I don't want her back. It doesn't mean that I don't miss who I thought she was and my children every day.

I wouldn't want to be in either of their shoes for all the beer in a brewery. I know that their life will be forever tainted. They both know that either one of them is capable of attrocious acts of cruelty and I don't just mean adultery. The adultery was easy(ish) to recover from compared to the year of blame, accusation, insults, not to mention the almost successful attempt to remove my children from me for all but the most basic contact.

I also realise that my life is pretty good, in general. She has spared me being part of a marriage that hid a big lie and I can also see that there are plenty ladies out there who can see how wonderful I am (their words not mine ).

I have to be patient and wait for my children to grow up a bit.

I still hope more than anything that Gru doesn't last but only becuase I don't want him in my children's lives. He doesn't deserve the love they give him and the elevated status that CSTBX has given him. Her anguish and pain would just be a side benefit.

I've also spoken with my solicitor about her recent behaviour.

We've agreed to not rile the CSTBX any further for now. I will simpy turn up at the events and let her be the one to complain and threaten court.

As for trying to get her to agree to the minor grey areas of the contact order, I will simply text CSTBXWW before the event in question to state that I will collect at X time and she will collect at Y time.

Crickets in all other circumstances.

Well, yes - the difference between you and most of BS's is the fact that I never had kids with my ex, so the umbilical cord has been cut permanently. You on the other hand are forced into a relationship with them because of your boys. The good news is that your boys were NOT infants when this happened and have been watching, observing and formulating opinions through out all of it. When they start seeking wives of their own, this will come back to haunt them and hurt her. She will NEVER receive the respect, consideration and love that she would of had if she just crossed her legs and remembered her vows. All her and Gru will get is toleration. You think your boys "love" Gru? Buying love is cheap. You are the real deal and they KNOW IT.

If acceptance is purely linked with knowing that I WILL NEVER EVER HAVE HER BACK then I reached that at least 7 months ago. I don't want her back. It doesn't mean that I don't miss who I thought she was and my children every day.

I wouldn't want to be in either of their shoes for all the beer in a brewery

No. Acceptance is not only linked to knowing there are no returns. It is a huge start. The completion is wrapping your brain around the fact that the person you are looking at that looks like the woman you married is NOT HER. In the throws of my trauma, a friend told me that I have to draw a line in the sand and say that my husband died the day I found his wedding ring on my kitchen table and his stuff moved out. The acceptance of knowing that before August 22, 2008, the man I married was alive and after he was DEAD. That helped me process the reality of having to deal with him until the umbilical cord was finally cut permanently for me last year.

AAS,

That's a good plan. Let her 'go off', hopefully not in a way that embarrasses your son.

As many here will tell you, you will learn indifference to her after a time.

Focus on you and your son. You know - the important things.

Learn to laugh, through the pain at first at her. I've arrived at a place where I feel sad for my her. In time, you may too.

So she's being shunned:

None of the other school parents seem to talk to her.

I hope you're starting to realize how bitter she is. This isn't the idyllic life she envisioned. Of course she doesn't want you there witnessing her isolation. Too bad, so sad. Enjoy your time with your kids and being with the other parents who know who's the villain in this situation.

AAS - She doesn't want you there because she blames you for everything and has cast you in the role of horrible husband, useless disney dad...and probably tells Gru and others that version too.

When you show an interest in your children and turn up at their activities it challenges that. So she has to tell herself and others that you're doing it to intimidate her or similar...but she just hates you being there because it challenges what she's telling herself and others about you.

So basically she's a narcissistic, blameshifting, lying, marriage re-writing sociopath with no ability to be introspective whatsoever and would rather damage her kids further in order to maintain her delusion.

Great, just great

So basically she's a narcissistic, blameshifting, lying, marriage re-writing sociopath with no ability to be introspective whatsoever and would rather damage her kids further in order to maintain her delusion.

For you and your sons and like it or not, you'll need to approach her just this way until you have compelling evidence to the contrary.

Reality sucks. But it does have the benefit of being reality.

[This message edited by Merlin at 8:49 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday)]

catlover50

I thought I had a good M prior to my H's LTA discovery. Now that he has done the work and truly become invested the difference is amazing. I realize I was settling for 28 years. I now get to discover what it feels like to be in a relationship that is equally giving, equally loving.

Boy, ain't that the truth! AAS, once you find an authentic person to build a relationship with, you will CLEARLY see the differences against the old M you had. It can be a head slapping epiphany.

Softcentre

AAS - She doesn't want you there because she blames you for everything and has cast you in the role of horrible husband, useless disney dad...and probably tells Gru and others that version too.

When you show an interest in your children and turn up at their activities it challenges that. So she has to tell herself and others that you're doing it to intimidate her or similar...but she just hates you being there because it challenges what she's telling herself and others about you.

This is VERY true as well! Early on, my STBXW cast out her narrative to all parents who would care to hear it. At first, these parents distanced themselves from me and would gravitate to her in their social circle groupings at our boys sporting and scouting events. Now? They have gravitated toward me and left STBXW with the remaining parents who love drama more than truth. Now they tell me how much they can't stand her.

All I did was show up AND shut up. I let my actions and demeanor speak for itself, which is "being there for my kids" and it completely countered what STBXW described of me.

I recived notification today that I am now officially single. Decree received

Abb beat me to it by just a few days!

WOOWHOO! A hard slog but so very worth it. I was listening to this song from the day my D was official - I didn't know it for a week. It starts at 0:40

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dRcRhWErjjo

You are free brother. Say farewell to the past, goodbye to limbo hell, good riddance to that poor excuse of a woman and hearty welcome to your New Beginning.

Congratulations, brother. It's been a long hard journey for you, but you did it. YOU did it.

Meet you in New Beginnings :-)

Mazel tov, and L'chaim.

An important milestone AAS!

Congratulations.

I recived notification today that I am now officially single. Decree received

HUGE congrats to you! You may not feel so victorious right now but know that the worst is over! Your new life begins TODAY.

Gru has his prize now.