SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yeah, I know why she's so pissed. I'm pretty sure it's because you didn't just lie down and let her steamroll over you. She's a pretty precious princess, and you're evil. Didn't you know??

((AAS))

All, for Pete's Sake STOP being wordy with her. NEVER, EVER, EVER use adjectives with her. STOP POKING THE BEAR!!!!!!!!!!

State the facts. Reference specific items in the Divorce decree. Dry, factual, un-emotional.

Stop.

Poking.

The.

Bear.

k9

AAS -- part of the problem with this is the detail and length of your communication. This will probably end up in court again. BUSINESSLIKE AND UNEMOTIONAL needs to be your new mantra. I edited it for an example. No commentary at all

Thank you for your email. The Judge made firm words and strong suggestions for both parents to communicate.

I am permitted to attend any after schoool activities, regardless of contact times, as are you. I requested specific responses to each of my points 1 to 3 in the previous email otherwise they will be assumed as agreed by you. You need not write anything to me other than that, please. If you choose not to use the spreadsheet then that is fine.

The contact diary will not be transfered between us via the children's schoool bags as that is innappropriate. Perhaps we could establish and electronic diary so that no transfer is necessary.

There is no attempt to change or deviate from the order. However, there will inevitably be details that need agreement. I want no further contact with you than that.

Regarding the previous email - Points 1 -3 require a response.

1) Agreed or not?

2) Agreed or not?

You are clearly parenting with a lower muppet. You are in good company. Many here are. My SO has had to present his decree many times to document the fact he has legal rights to health information, school functions, extra-curriculars ect. It sucks but it does pay off with the kids.

[This message edited by hexed at 11:35 AM, March 27th (Thursday)]

I have found that there are web site specifically designed for separated parents, that have a shared calendar for the kids, a way to specify exchanges, request changes, track shared expenses and send messages. It is FANTASTIC for maintaining NC. You can google them or PM me for details if you are interested in this. Of course, there is no way to make CSTBXWW participate.

Satisfying your ego with strident words will not help you.

So stop that.

Deal with her as you would a business associate whom you do not want to deal with but must because you are a professional.

On a different note:

Why Gru? Gru is a nice person now and have been a part of the anti-villain league, he's happily married too. I suggest El Macho instead...

Remember you don't have to have her agreement about certain things. You go to the children's activities if you choose. You don't engage her, but your support your child. Be careful around the children. You can encourage them but you don't want her charging you with trying to TAKE them during her time.

You are too wordy with her. You are trying to reason with her crazy. Will never happen. Just state simply and clearly what you need, don't explain your rationale, ever again. She doesn't care and you just make her furious. Take the you and me out of it, just state your business.

"I will be setting up an electronic diary, this is how you access." See, no explanation of how much better this will be. No explanation of why you keep sending emails. (Obviously because she chooses not to answer them). Just a matter of fact way of conducting business.

You're all so right. It's taking me far too long to realise. Her emails are full of delusion and lies. She cannot be reasoned with. There is no getting through to her. She will never suddenly have a "you're right and I'm wrong moment".

Her emails just wind me up and make me shake with anger and frustration.

Her last email was even longer and more vitriolic. She has actually convinced herself that I've only been awarded an additional 3 hours a month over and above what she was offering in the court case. That was what clinched it for me. Her logic is so out of whack.

Ok.

I will not reason with her.

I like the idea of the electronic contact book but I'm not going to suggest it, yet. She thinks I'm trying to control her. This would just add to that. Maybe down the road.

I will go to their swimming meets. I won't confer.

It definitely looks as if we'll be going all the way to a financial hearing. Stupid Bitch

I was thinking about you while watching Despicable Me with my 3 year old nephew last night.

My brother's D from a CXWW was finalized on 2/14. She is very like yours and Abandondad's CSTBXWWs. Bro's X is seriously into weight lifting - her gym was a huge factor in the demise of their M. Even though he found her "man arms" unattractive he was faithful while she racked up a total of 3 OMs from her gym.

So we are watching the movie and at the part where we meet Vector, my nephew says - "Why is he so small?". I really had no answer to that, but then my nephew says "Well Gru is big, just like my mom".

Don't wait to attend your children's sporting events. If you do, when you show up it will be war. Start NOW how you plan to proceed after D is final. She doesn't own the gym, the sporting events are open to the public, she can't control your attending. If she comes at you, walk away. Don't engage. You have a RIGHT to be there.

Hexed has given a great example there of comms with the loon. Email is good.

It's very understandable on a mental and emotional level why you are trying to get her to "understand" She's crazeeee and Whilst continues to reside on planet moron, she sadly never will. She will just twist it to make you out to be the mad one. It's important that you maintain this fashion of comms as hexed examples there, because

She has actually convinced herself that I've only been awarded an additional 3 hours a month over and above what she was offering in the court case.

And if she violates your court order and does not hand your children over to you when the court order states you should have them because she is that off the wall, you will be in court again. You want the judge to see she's the one with vitriol, and your just being business like and trying to get a resolution.

It might be worth you looking into a website by dr lowenstein, I'm sure I mentioned him in the past to you, who specialises in PA, this is essentially what she's trying to do, and, if she keeps it up May be something you need to employ at some point.

Start as you mean to go on AAS, attend those sports meets swimming lessons and everything so like she says, the new arrangements can bed in. Well, these ARE the new arrangements STBXWW so get used to it! .

I hope I don't sound like I'm being really paranoid here, but it might be worth you carrying a VAR with you when you attend things like this, incase she starts on you, accuses you of something or says anything.

Also regarding the financial hearing, (and I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir here) I hope that whatever you are doing with the house, (if you are staying in it) that, she will have no legal nor financial claim on it after the hearings all done, again, don't do her any favours, look to you and your boys future, protect it. I just wondered about this and your protection when you mentioned it the other day.

My brother also had many vitriolic emails with his WW claiming she paid for everything, and hadn't received a penny from him in CS fr a year, all designed to wind him up, infact CS had given him a refund of a rather large amount as he'd paid too much!!!. They will scrape that barrel and try and keep you unglued with stuff like this. Don't give her that power, you know she's wrong.

Stay strong AAS

In light

MM

Don't engage. Don't feed the crazy.

Thanks guys. I will take heed of it all.

This past weekend I had to hand the children back to their mum at 9am on Sunday with all their clothes etc. I found out when I returned that I still had the boys coats so I texted CSTBX and informed her that I would return them later that day.

Later that day I drove round to their house and left the coats in a bag on the doorstep. I rang the bell, got in my car and did a three point turn to leave.

At this point Gru or CSTBX should have answered the door, taken the bag and shut the door. This would be the appropriate behaviour to avoid any contact whatsoever. Gru opened the door. CSTBX was nowhere in sight.

Rather than doing the above, he walked mid way up the short driveway and stared at me. He then performed his sarcastic wave and grin. I stopped the car. His face changed. I opened the car door. He started to move back to his front door.

I asked if there was a problem to which he replied "bye loser". I closed my door and drove off.

My initial reaction was anger but as I drove home I began to question why he should be like this. I mean, why should a man who has stolen everything so dear to me then continue to provoke and antagonise me over a year later? If I had done this I would be steering well clear of the man I stole from, particularly as said man is taller, stronger and heavier.

He's poking the bear. I know that if I walked toward him to confront him he would have closed his front door before I could get to him. Coward

Abbondad gave me a warning about Gru which I agree with. Gru is not the sort of man to 'take it on the chin'. He would revel in the chance to call the Police.

I know that I shouldn't have even stopped the car but I'm glad I didn't attempt to smack him. He richly deserves it but I don't want them to have any ammunition to remove my contact with the kids.

Every single day I realise that she has affaired down and that they deserve each other.

They keep saying they simply want to get on with their wonderful new life of rainbows and unicorn farts so why don't they?

Why don't they?

Because you provide them with new opportunities not to every day.

When will you learn?

So I should have simply ignored him altogether?

Why didn't he just open the door, take the coats and shut it again?

When you get that this is not a normative world in which people do what you think they ought, you will begin to deal more effectively with others and begin to grow past yourself.

I deal very effectively with people who make sense.

So I should have simply ignored him altogether?

Yes.

Why didn't he just open the door, take the coats and shut it again?

Because he wanted a response...and you gave it to him. You gave him ego kibbles. You told him that he is important to you, that he can get under your skin. Attention seekers only keep doing attention seeking behaviour with people if they get rewarded for it.

And let's be honest...you want it too don't you? It reads like you want to know you matter to them. And boy can I understand that! I feel for you, but it's a terrible downwards spiral that stops you from healing and,even worse, feeds their beliefs about you, feeds their egos, lets them feel they have control over you. You're the only one that can stop it, because they won't unless they think it doesn't work anymore.

The only way I got through it (more or less...still struggle sometimes, but The Arse doesn't know anymore) was to start laughing at them, inwardly, when they tried this kind of thing. Like when Fat Bottomed Girl posted about a meal out on her blog and I realised it was her, The Arse & on our wedding anniversary...I discovered this by accident when looking for reviews of a restaurant, many months after she posted. When I realised whose blog it was and what she'd posted, it made me laugh. You see she'd posted it so long ago, hoping I'd see it and get a reaction (at the time I was still pain shopping & The Arse had told her how good I was at finding out things on the internet) but I never even knew, so she got no reaction at all Even better, she stopped posting on there,twitter etc a couple of months later because she wasn't getting the reaction. Now I've stopped pain shopping, which helps loads with healing. But every now and then something gets back to me or The Arse tries to provoke me. I'm learning not to react openly and laugh inwardly instead at the pathetic attempts to manipulate me. Laughter really helps.

Softcentre

"Pain shopping" is a perfect description.

Thank you.

'pain shopping' was coined by someone else on here (don't want to take credit for it!), it's so true, isn't it?