SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yes, pain shopping. I understand that.

Yesterday's reaction by me of simply stopping the car was instantaneous. It was sub-concious. I was actually taken by surprise that he had come out of the house. I keep forgetting that what they say and do are very different.

I didn't even get out of the car. I managed to stop myself. My first thought last night was to send them a text but I didn't. This is entirely because I knew I would get some 2x4's this morning from you good people.

I will be better prepared next time. Total crickets.

Thanks for the 2x4. Still a rookie who expects decency in everyone. How naive of me.

[This message edited by allatsea at 9:00 AM, March 31st (Monday)]

I will be better prepared next time. Total crickets.

AAS - When I read the part about him giving you a sarcastic wave and saying, "Bye loser," I actually burst out laughing from his immaturity and insecurity. My hope for you is that soon you will also become detached to the point where you can see how ridiculous and laughable he is. As if he *won* some amazing prize. What. Ever.

You're getting there. Whenever you find yourself thinking about your X and/or Gru, turn your focus back to yourself and your kiddos. That's where your time, energy, and mental focus are best invested.

Big hugs, because I know how exhausting all this must be for you. ((((aas))))

Suggestions:

Carry a VAR when dealing with her. SHOW her that you have one, like you have a canister of mace, to keep her crazy at bay so you can enjoy your time with your kids at events. If she approaches you to display crazy behavior, whip out the VAR in full view. Yes, she will insult you for having it, but after a few times (and a few witnesses to this crazy display) you have recordings AND witness testimony. Just don't react, act calm and collected.

Put it in your head that Gru didn't pilfer a prized wife from you. He in fact unknowingly removed a problem and now he is stuck with her. Smile at him like you conned the biggest dumbass in the world. The sooner you remove yourself as their focus, the sooner Gru realizes this as she turns on him. It is inevitable. You know this and you know she is doomed to repeat the same pattern of behavior. History WILL repeat itself. I've seen this first hand with friends and co-workers X's. You will get the last laugh when they begin to have problems in their relationship.

You've been given an out and a chance to start on a fresh path in life. On top of that you also have kids and experience raising kids and being an awesome dad. You've just eliminated any question for future mates as to whether you will be a good husband/father/partner.

Your STBXW chose to repeat her mistakes with a new victim.

Start removing the STBXW and Gru from your focus. They are your horse blinders that keep you from noticing those, that are noticing you.

The douche-canoe was probably just happy to be outside the house for a minute and breathing in fresh air instead of the soup of crazyfumes your STBX exudes.

Next time leave a gas mask with the coats.

You guys are funny.

"soup of crazy fumes". Love it.

However, I know how wonderful CSTBX can be at pretending to be a doting and supportive partner. She will be giving him the maximum great-girlfriend experience. Had me fooled for years.

She has to keep him sweet in order for him to stay. Getting pregnant won't be any guarantee. not for long, anyway.

AAS, sorry, you're going to think I'm being hard on you, but it's important to be honest with yourself about what you're doing and why.

Yesterday's reaction by me of simply stopping the car was instantaneous. It was sub-concious. I was actually taken by surprise that he had come out of the house. I keep forgetting that what they say and do are very different.

I didn't even get out of the car. I managed to stop myself.

But earlier you said:

I stopped the car. His face changed. I opened the car door. He started to move back to his front door.

I asked if there was a problem to which he replied "bye loser". I closed my door and drove off.

Stopping the car was not subconscious. You had to put your foot on the brake. What were you feeling right then?

Yes, technically you did not get out of the car...but you did deliberately inflame the situation. As Judge Judy would say, you were leaving, why stop the car? Why open the car door? Why engage with him?

Now I'm not saying that it's not completely understandable...but don't try to deceive us or yourself about what you were doing. I can't remember if you're in counselling? It just sometimes seems to read like you want to appear better than you are. You know what? It's ok to have flaws, to feel angry/hurt. It's understandable to want to lash out. You're a flawed human being like the rest of us,and like the rest of us, trying to fumble our way through a horrible situation - you're going to mess up sometimes. It's ok.

ETA:

BTW, I think you did really well to close your door and drive away. It's much harder to back off once you start down that road,than if you'd not done anything in the first place.

[This message edited by Softcentre at 11:23 AM, March 31st, 2014 (Monday)]

Soft,

I respectfully disagree. It was sub concious and it happened over the span of 5 seconds. I had no idea he was going to be there.

As for trying to appear better than I am then I definitely disagree. I know I'm flawed. I'm perfectly aware of my failings but nothing in my posts contradicts itself and is a true account. I don't know what you're getting at.

I think it's a natural reaction to defend ones self when confronted. I've spent a year being abused by cstbx and this guy and I can't say that given an opportunity to punch his face I won't take it. You tell me to rise above it and take the high ground. I've done that for a whole year. He continues to bait me.

My solicitor has since told me that cstbx is flouting the order

I think it's a natural reaction to defend ones self when confronted. I've spent a year being abused by cstbx and this guy and I can't say that given an opportunity to punch his face I won't take it.

This is the truth, the feelings behind your actions...and it's completely understandable to feel like that.

What I was trying to say is that sometimes it reads like you try and portray better motives to your actions than you really have, or maybe you have a disconnect between your feelings and your actions. I know it may make you feel angry/threatened to read this. How do I know? I've been there, still am there sometimes. It's quite common when we've had to suppress how we feel for a long time. Especially when we don't like who we can be when we're angry,hurt or threatened. These feelings do not make you a bad person. If you didn't feel angry/hurt/threatened, you wouldn't be normal.

Myself and others are only saying to take the high road (the one we ALL fall off from time to time) because we don't want you to get into trouble in your D, or with the police. We want you to do as well as you can and we know that crickets helps us to detach. But I think many of us empathise with you wanting to punch his face

I think it's a natural reaction to defend ones self when confronted.

This was his home. He walked out. You stopped. The confrontation was on your part. You opened the door provoking him on his home turf. You can't have it both ways. You were the intruder here.

Drop the stuff off, drive away. Don't look back to see who opens the door. Keep looking down the road in front of you. You can't take offense when someone comes out of their own home, in their own driveway. You spoke first, which opened up his opportunity to bait you. When will you learn. He gets his jollies by upsetting you, you played right into his thinking. (Remember the pool incident?)

Moment,

I cannot disagree with you more. The confrontation was not on my part. Re-read my post and you'll see the sequence of events. I was not on 'his turf'.

I can and will take offence when he comes out of his house, walks toward the end of his drive and gestures in an antagonistic way toward me. He was the confrontational one. He should have simply opened his front door and closed it again. I was already back in my car before he even opened the door.

When he or CSTBX drop the children to me I don't even come to the door. Complete avoidance. He came out deliberately

What has your solicitor said are your options WRT her flouting the court order AAS?

In light

MM

This is the solicitor's email to me:

I think that if she is refusing to allow you to attend after school clubs then this is in breach of the spirit of the order. Are there particular events that you have sought to attend and she has refused to agree for you to attend? What do you think she would do if you simply attended? I think you need to decide which events you wish to attend and to make it clear (politely) that bearing in mind what the judge said that you plan to attend the said event and that you do not believe that there is any bar in doing so.

I also think that if she refuses to communicate about matters you need to have a response to that you just tell her what you are doing (as you have been doing). She is wrong that she must only communicate about issues involving the children’s health care and education. Please let me know what she is refusing to communicate about in particular and I can advise you better as to whether or not this needs to go back to court.

How stupid would he have looked if he was acting like an idiot and you pretended you didn't even notice him and drove off? Yet you had to react and he got the one up on you.

Ignoring someone and pretending like you don't even see them is always more powerful then confrontation.

Why does she have to agree for you to attend your kids afterschool events?

Just go. They are your kids.

If she throws a hissy fit she will only do it once before she realizes she caused a negative scene.

k9

Sorry Allatsea, didn't mean to offend.

I hear the common message. I get it.

I will just go to the school and after school events. In fact I'm going to a violin recital for DS7 this afternoon. The notification for the recital was sent in a school bag so the only way I found out was via one of the school mums.

Solicitor is now in possession of the recent correspondence and I'll let her decide if there is any point in putting it before the judge.

But I get the message. I do. Thanks for the 2x4's

Posting From my phone so excuse any silly typos

I'm glad your going to the violin recital yay!.

The fact you become aware of certain events of the kids by chance because there is a note in the school bag is unacceptable. Idiot WW should be notifying you via email of anything that comes up. It's further proof of her trying to alienate you and send the message to the boys that your not interested to attend. This is not acting in the best interests of the boys. Perhaps you could email WW and specify you being informed about various things that come up like one off sports days recitals etc and to inform you of any changes in their regular schedule or if they start anything new. Simple business like no emotion like you've been advised and you'll prob get sone spew in response, build up a "case" and get more evidence to show to your solicitor and perhaps court if you end up back there (which I think you will) use business like phrases which show your trying to resolve "in the best interests of the children/their welfare/happiness seeing both o us there etc" and her spew will show her up further.

Also if you do end up in court again, perhaps making it so she pays costs might get her to comply. If you're going to end up having to do this every few months till she gets it.

Can the school be chatted to by you and could they notify you of things as they come up via email so if you miss the note in the bag then you'll still find out?. I know schools don't really have the facility's to do this, this is quite exceptional circumstances though.

Have a great recital

MM

MM,

Yes, everything you say is true. She is trying to alienate me. I've told my solicitor that I'm concerned she is telling them things which make her out to be super mum while berating me. She's already told DS9 that mummy pays for all of his activities.

I'm pretty sure that court will be necessary again but I'm also mindful that I'm poking the bear. It might be that all it will do is piss her off even more. She may calm down if I left things alone, particularly as she's got a grulet minion to give birth to.

The school does a good job of notifying me of stuff the affects the school as a whole but anything specific to the pupil or his class tends to go in the school bag. The swimming lessons have nothing to do with the school so I only hear about that through the children.

What I can rely on is that the boys are starting to form their own opinions. If CSTBX is bad mouthing me it will be at odds with the experiences they have when they are with me. She continues to tell me things like this:

"You have consistently refused to take on board the wishes and comments of your own sons. The boys do not want to spend more time with you, this is proven beyond any doubt by the CAFCASS report, whether you can "comprehend" it is totally irrelevant. The reasons for them not wanting to spend more time with you are entirely down to you but you naturally blame anyone else other than yourself and assume that because you are Dad they will always crave your attention and approval no matter how you treat them, just like you still do with your own Dad. They are not like you and they are not your emotional crutch to make you feel loved and better about yourself"

Not only has she ignored specific aspects of the CAFCASS report that state that the boys do enjoy thier time with me, it is at complete odds with how they are with me. My friends and relatives all spend significant time with me and the boys and they can see quite clearly how happy, affectionate and doting they are when they are with me. Unsolicited, the boys share their excitement with my friends. Kids simply cannot fake this kind of happiness. I know that CSTBX has to demonise me. If she convinces herself that the boys don't like me then she doesn't have to feel bad that she took them from me. It does hurt being told that your kids don't want to be with you.

AAS, regarding the kids' events -- yes, she should be telling you, but you know she will not. The notice in the schoolbag -- this kind of thing happens to me, and I'm the parent in charge of making arrangements (because otherwise they wouldn't get done )

What I'm saying here is, if you can get her to use a common calendar online, that would be great (btw, your kids could put stuff on it too -- good training!). In the meantime, you need to just do an end run around her. You know your daughter has violin lessons -- contact the teacher directly for the schedule of lessons, recitals, etc. Make sure the teacher puts you on the email mailing list. Same thing for everything else, at school and out of school. You will probably have to follow up a lot. Send an email once a month, for instance, to "double check on events for this month". Do the same with your kids -- Son, what do you have coming up this month for school? swimming? etc. Help them put the items on the online calendar -- or your kitchen calendar until you get her to use the online calendar.

This isn't meant as a 2X4, just a suggestion of what works for me, with only one kid and a reformed (but highly disorganized) spouse.

I'm so sorry your STBX is so impossible. Deep breaths!

I asked if there was a problem to which he replied "bye loser".

1. "HE" IS the "loser"- some prize he has now! Dr. Phil: "If a cheater does it with you, they will do it to you." THAT is what he has to look forward to. The bed they made together has huge lumps in it.

2. I think the 2x4 wielding folks here should just remember how fast it took THEM to become detached to the person they married who dumped them carelessly. Yes, STOP poking the bear, but don't beat yourself up for every little thing right now. The important thing to remember is that both of them are NOT WORTH wrecking anymore of your life. They have already stolen everything you built up to now. Outside of your sons, DON'T let them wreck anymore of your life now by engaging them, poking them or instigating anything. Let them alone and combust on their own.

3. I think it must be really hard for you to realize just what a god-awful woman you were married to. You still want to believe the pseudo-wife you had is still there and subconsciously you miss her. I feel for you. I was in that boat, too, back in 2009. Acceptance is key to moving on and becoming completely detached. What you and her have now is a business arrangement. You don't get emotional with your barrister, right? Same deal. The pseudo-wife you had and loved is DEAD. What is in her place is a pregnant roach in a "suit" that resembles your stbxw.