SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I did it. I confessed. Some of you may remember me from a few weeks ago asking for advice on how to break the news to my husband that I’d been having an 8month+ EA/PA that ended in December. I wanted to wait until the timing worked for the kids to be gone for a few nights. And so it was…..actually it played out just as I had expected which in one sense was a relief. It gave us the time to talk without worrying about little mouths to feed or getting them to bed, or bigger yet listening in.

Breaking the news was hard but I just jumped right to it after we sat on the couch after dinner. I started to cry first and he asked what was wrong and I said “I need to let you know that I had an affair last year, it’s over now, but I want you to know about it” Of course he was very sad and distraught. He wasn’t angry and yelling but just kept asking why I would do this to him. He said there were some things that didn’t sit well with him while I was in the affair but he gave me the benefit of the doubt and never questioned anything. I knew eventually if I kept up the A that eventually my husband would find out. Maybe because I’d want him to so I could stop, I’m not quite sure. My reasons for telling him though became that

1) If I thought he would divorce me because of this then I owed him that opportunity, instead of tricking him into being married to me forever and not knowing the truth.

2) I want our marriage to be better than before. It was getting before I told him the truth but I know eventually we’d get into old ruts and be in the same place and I don’t trust myself on what I might do. This way if we survive, then I do feel our marriage will be stronger.

3) He might find out at a later date that I cheated and then our chance of R would be harder and filled with more lies. OM’s wife knows of the affair and while she hasn’t said anything yet she may change her mind one day. Also I had so many lies going on who I was with and where that it was just a matter of time that one of my stories didn’t add up to what I told him in the past and that may make him go into full question mode. Better to tell the truth now and start recovering or moving on.

Originally I was more leaning toward not ever telling him. It was my punishment to live with this burden of lies but after doing a lot of reading and thinking I decided that I do want to be happier in my life and he deserves the same and I felt that this was the best way. I was very scared though to say the least.

So it’s been 2 weeks now since I told him. He says he really wants to work things out. He can’t imagine me not being in his life. I think he is still in shock. He is taking so much of the blame even though I keep telling him it’s me not him that needs to change. He feels extremely insecure right now which is to be expected. He has been to IC twice now to start to work through his feelings. His therapist was in shock with all the layers of lies and deceit in the story and said “wow, that is really fucked up!” yes it is and hard to believe that it all happened and happened so easily. For my husband the hardest part right now is the sex part. He keeps picturing me having sex with someone else. Any advice on how to start to get over those mind movies for him? The other thing is I had AP in our home on a number of occasions, sometimes for a few nights at a time. To me it just became about opportunity. At first I said he could never come over but that quickly changed when the opportunity came up. My husband feels very violated because of that. He can’t imagine how a man could do that to another man’s family. I told him I was the whore going into his house too though. It’s messed up yes, but we are both messed up and took the opportunity for a warm house without thinking about anything or anyone else.

I am on my 4th therapist now. Trying to find the right fit. This new guy is more of a hard hitter and direct which is what I need. He told me happy people in marriages rarely cheat. There is something in your marriage that you were missing that led you to this. So while he says I do have personal things about me I need to work through, I also need to figure out where my marriage was not what I had wanted. I did have some ideas and he agreed that we need to look into that. I really thought I had a good marriage though but after taking a closer look I think I’ve just existed in the marriage. Became numb. Not a bad marriage at all but not a fabulous one either.

About a week ago my husband said maybe I should move out for a bit, now he doesn’t want me to but in the meantime I started looking for a place to stay. I do not want to tell family and friends at this point but will be hard if I don’t sleep here. I found a situation that has a nice room, own bathroom in a ladies house that Im thinking of. Will this make R harder if I am not living at home? Part of me wants to move out to try to get me into reality more. I am having a hard time showing my husband that he is important and worth fighting for. I am still in the fog and missing the affair I think. I told my husband that I just need some time, that he and the kids are what I want but that I need to grieve also. I know that it probably isn’t right for me to have feelings too but wanted him to know where I am at also if we are going to be completely honest. It’s hard for him to understand which I do get. But I am not able to show and say to him what he needs right now which is making me question what it is that I really want. Part of me wants to be separated so that I can truly miss him and the kids and fight for them. Right now he’s making it too easy for me to just be here, like everything is ok. I want to be able to tell my husband that he’s the one I want completely but when I do it’s not very believable as I am wishy washy which I know is not good.

My husband did not ask for a lot of details about the affair. Not sure if that will change or not but I was surprised that he did not ask more. When I told him something he did not ask about he commented that I didn’t need to tell him that, so now I am careful not to tell him something that he doesn’t ask for. He did not ask to see the emails which is good because if he were to read them I’m not sure he could get over what he would read. Likewise for any photos in my account as well. I just can’t seem to get my head on straight though. I am hoping it just takes time and I can start to see clearly. Why does part of me want to be living the single life? I have a great family and a great life so why would I trade that just to “date” and experience other men? It’s my insecurities driving that I think, I want to be wanted and needed yet that fades away fast so what is it that I’m needing or searching for? I wish I knew the answers so I could start to help myself and my husband heal. He has told me he needs me to reassure him right now and I just wish I could do a better job of it.

I want to do what is needed to save this marriage, especially since my husband is willing. I’m just waiting for the reality to set in more for him and have him change his mind afterall it’s only been just over 2 weeks. I need the reality to hit me though so I can be more remorseful. I think because we weren’t caught and because AP and I ended on good terms it makes it harder to let go of. I know my husband is worth fighting for, I just need to do more of that. Any input is appreciated. and while I've had many many moments that I wished I never confessed my true heart and head tell me it was the right thing to do. It might be the first time my head and heart have agreed in a long time. Thanks!

I admire you for confessing! You did the right thing.

I do believe that your current therapist is on the wrong track in blaming something in your marriage for causing you to cheat. People cheat in "good marriages" all the time. Conversely, no one is happy in their marriage 100% of the time, and many of those people never cheat. We as WS have to look within ourselves to figure out why cheating was a viable choice, not at what was wrong with the marriage.

From personal experience I'd say separation makes R more difficult---but I'd say separate if that's what your BH needs. I know that sounds contradictory but I think it's important to put his needs first for the time being.

I am not going to beat you up because you chose to confess. I am going to praise you for stepping into the light and telling the most important person what has happened and I pray that you will stick by him when it gets tough.

When he is angry, when he is sad, when is confused, when he is depressed. Stick by him and I pray that you can deal with the emotions.

For that day you were braved. From the darkness to the light. Remember to take it one day at a time.

I am having a hard time showing my husband that he is important and worth fighting for.

That's because -

I am still in the fog and missing the affair I think. I told my husband that I just need some time, that he and the kids are what I want but that I need to grieve also

I don't know what is the SI position on the WS grieving but I would hate to hear that. I'm glad my FWW never told me anything - well, at least not at the time. In fact, I would probably move out and start D. Saying that...

Part of me wants to move out to try to get me into reality more.

Moving out will send the wrong message. He will think you really don't care about him. I don't think it can work out if the WS moves out, but that's my opinion of course.

Confused,

Well done. You were very brave. You did the right thing. I admire your resolve to confess. You have made a huge step forward to living an authentic life.

I think it's great that you confessed and can only imagine how hard it must have been for you.

However, some of the things you wrote have me a little concerned about whether or not you really want to R and save your M. You said in your post you don't know if this is what you want and, IMO it doesn't sound like you are very remorseful.

Telling your BH was a good first step, but now you need to decide what you want to do....the amount of remorse you have should not be based on your BH and his actions/reactions....it should be something you feel on your own....

First, wow! You are amazing. That was brave.

Second, sorry, but fire your therapist.

He told me happy people in marriages rarely cheat. There is something in your marriage that you were missing that led you to this.

Umm, no. NO NO NO! Happy people in marriages cheat all the time. There is something in YOU that you were missing, that led you to this.

Blaming your cheating on the M could be a death sentence to R. Your husband is devastated, and trust me, he's blaming himself on some level. You or your therapist pointing at the M as the cause of your A is tantamount to telling BH he is *at least a little bit* to blame for you fucking another guy. And he's not. Not even one percent. I know you know that.

Again, good job, I am so proud of you. You're in for a very tough road over the next year or two (sorry, it really does take that long) whether R or D is the outcome of your M. Keep posting, we're here for you.

nuance...

There is a process with letting go of the feelings for the OP. No one can shut things off like a light switch and this forum provides a place for WS's to get to a point of indifference without having to subject their BS to anymore pain.

Re: grieving the AP and withdrawal.

I agree with DS that it's a normal part of the process, I think if a WS is able to just "shut it off", then they're probably rugsweeping their feelings. Maybe not, as some WS seem to just go cold-turkey when they are discovered.

Even taking all that into account, grieving the AP and/or experiencing withdrawal from the AP is something that should be dealt with privately, or in conjunction with the IC...like nuance was saying, as the BS I can't imagine too many things more painful than discovering that your spouse is cheating, and then having to watch them grieve someone you now hate. Even if you can understand the concept intellectually, it would be soul-wrenching to watch.

Happy people in marriages cheat all the time.

Wanted to modify this a little bit. I think that plenty of (unhappy) people in otherwise normal, happy marriages cheat.

Meaning that the person cheating is unhappy, but the reason for their unhappiness is not really due to the marriage, despite what they (or apparently, this IC) may say.

I thought I was happy in my marriage but I cheated. So I agree that the IC comment doesn't really sit well with me but maybe I misunderstood him too. He was talking a lot of big words and it was my first visit with him and I had a hard time staying on track.

I agree that I should not let on to my husband how hard my grieving process is but I do need to let him know that I am also in a process. In a different spot than he is in recovery but along my own path that will have ups and downs. one thing that is hard is that I am a very emotional person but I have not broken down very often in front of him. I told him it's because I've had so long to process my thoughts, which is true. he is finding it all out at once, where as I've had months to deal with.

Also please keep in mind that while I'm being honest with my husband there are things I can not tell him but I hope I can share here. So while I am honest with you all about saying I'm not sure I'm out of the fog or over the affair it's to get help from others here. I want to be honest and get help and have others be able to comment about it.

Hey there. I do remember you and I was wondering how you were doing. I'm glad that you confessed.

Gently, you say that you want to move out to get your head together, to grieve the loss of your AP, and to have the chance to miss him and the children. You also say that he doesn't want you to move out now.

OK, not so gently, what are you thinking? Yeah, you sure sound foggy! Think about this. You just told your BH that you had an affair with another man, that you had the other man in the house that your BH and children live in and had sex with him there, and that you need to leave to get over your AP. You're going to walk out on your BH, who is in shock, trying to figure out what the heck just happened, you're going to walk out on your three children who I assume at this point don't know what's going on and who are going to be confused, afraid, and hysterical, and you're going to leave your BH in his pain to deal with your soon-to-be traumatized children, all of their child care, and all of the day-to-day things that have to happen to keep your house running, so you can go play at living the single lifestyle.

Confused, if your BH were in the JFO forum right now, the advice that he would be getting would be to tell you that either you are home and 100% invested in this marriage and in doing everything that he needed you to do, to prove that you are all in, or to see a lawyer, kick you out, and file. You want it all, frankly. That's not remorse. IMO, that's being very selfish. Being selfish is what got you where you are today. You need to get your head out of your wants and start looking at your BHs needs. If you truly want to save your marriage.

I agree Skan that it doesn't seem to make sense. He does not want to be the one to leave though and so I said I would if he wanted me to. Now he isn't sure. We both go back and forth on what is best.

It's true that I'm not ready to be completely remorseful, or I should say that I can't completely feel it and own it. I want to be, really I do. The thought was maybe the shock factor of losing it all will help reality set in. I think he is making it too easy for me, and he knows that as well but he is also afraid of losing me. If he says Yes I should leave, and I do, he is worried that I'm with other guy or decide I dont want to be in the marriage. It comes with risks. The best thing would be for him to go get some space but he doesn't want that. Or for us to work it out under hte same roof.

We would not tell the kids the truth and actually they have seen us be more loving in the last several months than ever before so they do not think anything is wrong with teh marriage. We would just say Mom needs some time to herself to sort out some of her anger issues or something like that. Problem is when they mention it to gramma or something so that is the big hurdle in that we dont want others to know at this point.

But I totally want to be all in, I hope I am getting there...it is still fresh for me. If I had waited til I was further in the process to confess then it would be more months of lies. I do still grieve the loss of the relationship with AP. While it was filled with lies to others it worked for us and filled the void. Now it's time to fill my own void and hopefully not find myself in this situation again. I just hope that in 5 years I can look back and say all hte pain was worth it for where we are at now.

DS, FP, I totally agree. I meant the disclosure of those feelings to the BS early. I wasn't clear. I wonder what does SI think about it. But I don't want to t/j and the cat is out of the bag in this case anyway.

Hi confused43,

Thank you for coming back and letting us know what your decision/action was. It sounds like you have taken a huge step forward in starting the process of healing.

Some H aren't that interested in the details. My H read the chain of emails and because I saved every single one was able to see the progression of the A. He skimmed over the explicit ones. He was more interested in the non sexual things we said to each other. He was actually a little surprised about all the nice things I said about him to the AP. And I think he wanted to know if I was leaving him for AP. (I wasn't and that was very clear from the emails).

After DDay, I didn't feel remorseful. I felt angry and a lot of other things but not remorseful. I also felt wish washy about whether I wanted to stay or get D. We were already in MC for our marriage so this didn't come as a surprise to anyone.

I needed to go through a grieving process myself and my H recognized that. There had always been three people in our marriage. Me, my H and the AP that I had never gotten over.

IC was really helpful for letting me talk out my feelings and slowly lifting the fog. I am still working for a state of indifference and slowly getting there. The not having up and down feelings all the time is actually refreshing.

My H and I are still sorting out whether we should keep at this marriage. There are good things about our marriage. When I read this board and others, I realize I am EXTREMELY lucky to have a rational husband who loves me. He may have his head buried in the sand about some stuff but there is quiet maturity that I appreciate out of him. There is a huge hole in our marriage as well. Can we fix that hole? I'm not sure but I can tell you we will always be friends.

Due to some weird circumstances, we will be apart for a month. We agreed to see if that time apart makes us both happier. I think the time apart will be good for both of us. Time to think and reflect.

Good luck and I'm glad to see you back

Hi confused, you did great! You won't regret it, in the long run. Now I suggest you to show him whatever proof you have. Your husband sounds in denial of what happened. He may rationally believe that you cheated but in his heart you're still the person who couldn't do that to him. Show him, make him understand. He wont help you the way you need him to if you allow him to believe what he wants (or needs) to believe. Tell him the gruesome details until he feels the anger. It may not sound very logical, but otherwise you're kind of trickle-truthing, at least abusing his loving nature again.

Trust me, inside he has anger, but he's afraid to show it. He doesn't know that it's just that what you need to see. So make it happen. Best luck and wishes! You have been very brave!

Welcome back.

I was worried about your long absence until I realised you probably had more things to occupy your time than giving an update to internet strangers.

Well done you!!!

He can’t imagine me not being in his life. I think he is still in shock. He is taking so much of the blame even though I keep telling him it’s me not him that needs to change. He feels extremely insecure right now which is to be expected.

Have to agree with majortom87.

He is probably in denial right now.

Have to disagree with majortom87 on pushing him out of it by forcing the gruesome details on him.

Let him come out of it in his own good time. Be ready and willing to provide details when and if he asks for them.

Take it from me, when he finds his anger you'll wish he was back in denial.

One of the biggest mistakes you can make is trying to force your BS's processing and healing.

You can help, assist and support healing but you can't make it happen.

As for being fully remorseful, you're on track, it takes time for most of us.

(actually I think in reality instant full remorse is as rare as rocking horse doo doo)

Took me two years or so, (Obviously my BS has the patience of a Saint ).

As for your new IC, I think you should keep looking.

He told me happy people in marriages rarely cheat. There is something in your marriage that you were missing that led you to this.

because this ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ is utter crapola.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 3:34 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)]

confused43 - I did it. I confessed.

Congratulations on finding the strength and commitment to talk to your husband. It takes courage. However, that was only step one in a long journey of healing. Now is when you find out whether or not you having staying power and can walk the walk.

confused43 - This new guy is more of a hard hitter and direct which is what I need. He told me happy people in marriages rarely cheat. There is something in your marriage that you were missing that led you to this. So while he says I do have personal things about me I need to work through, I also need to figure out where my marriage was not what I had wanted. I did have some ideas and he agreed that we need to look into that. I really thought I had a good marriage though but after taking a closer look I think I’ve just existed in the marriage. Became numb. Not a bad marriage at all but not a fabulous one either

I agree with SlowUptakes comment that your IC’s comment that “happy people in marriages rarely cheat” is utter crapola.

If what he meant was that happy, emotionally healthy, engaged people with solid boundaries rarely have affairs he might be right but blaming the affair on the unhappiness of the marriage and not looking at the root causes behind any existing state of unhappiness with the individual partners is bogus. I think it would have been more accurate for your IC to say that there was somthing lacking within you that led you to this.

IMHO, things that are lacking in marriages are a result of some form of brokenness in one or more of the marriage partners. Hard to explain but let’s start with some imaginary questions that might illustrate this point.

Let’s say that there was an apparent lack of emotional connection in the marriage. Perhaps you had common shared interests but seemed to be lacking that spark. So, instead of blaming the marriage and the lack of emotional connection, the point to look at is who is not pulling their weight to provide a safe and secure environment. Is it an inherent lack of communication that was apparent at the start of the relationship? If so, then why would you have still moved forward with getting married? Was it a need that was being fulfilled? Did you get married because you had to? Is there a buried resentment about your role as a SAHM? Why did you allow that lack of communication to continue? How come you couldn’t be more assertive and push? Are you passive-aggressive? What need inside you were you not having fulfilled that lead you to look outside the marriage?

Can you see how this form of introspective examination will help you determine the root cause for you stepping out of your marriage? Maybe you could simply ask yourself this question. If the marriage was so bad, how is it that your husband didn’t stray? Why did you decide to start a affair and yet he didn’t take that route at all?

The digging for the why of the affair is not a easy thing and for some, it means finding out the existence of a side of you that you were never aware of. But ultimately, when you do find out, it can be so enlightening.

For instance, in my circumstance, my marriage was solid. My wife had been the ideal wife, supportive and caring. We had common interests, a great sex life especially in the year or so prior to my A, no financial issues etc. And yet I cheated. Why? What had changed? Why?

Well, what I came to understand is that as my first real relationship broke up, I pushed my feelings for the AP down deep inside, including the desire to see her and fight for her. Instead of fighting for her right there and the, I left in body but not in my heart. I continued to fantasy the “what if” scenarios day in and day out and eventually it was sublimed into a on-going dream fantasy where it simply continued to fester in my sub-conscious. Ultimately I met my wife (LF) and we had 23 years of good marriage but in truth, when we did have issues, in my dreams, I would find a happy place with my AP and carry on with this fantasy. 30 years after we broke up, when in my heart I felt that I had become successful and would be able to meet those expectations which I had been lacking when I was young, (part of the reasons that she dumped me), I subconsciously understood that my time had come. It was a hole inside me that lead me to reconnect with my xGF and start my EA, it was not anything in my marriage.

Inside me, the young man simply wanted another chance. Wanted to say, hey, I am worthy. I can provide you with the money and stability and the white picket fence house. I am worthy and I want you to be the woman that you promised me. I wanted a woman who desired me. But the reality is that all of those needs had already been fulfilled in my marriage but I was too blind to see that. I looked outward to fill some deep psychological needs when in reality, my wife was already providing true, unconditional, supportive love to me in our marriage. The missing link in my why was found by looking inside me first and foremost and not simplifying finding fault in the marriage. I'm not saying that your marriage was rock solid either but if something is out of kilter with the marriage, my first instinct would be to look for the partner or partners that are out of kilter themselves.

Anyhow, I hope you can see that the marriage issues that may exist are symptomatic of a brokenness within one or more of the partners. Unreal expectations, carrying resentment, inability to communicate, unable to be assertive, being enabling, looking for validation in the wrong places, these are the type of issues that I think you need to look for. Don’t simply blame the marriage.

HUFI

A successful marriage isn't finding the right person-it's being the right person - Unknown

[This message edited by HUFI-PUFI at 7:05 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)]

Confused43, I am glad you did the right thing and told your H. At least he can make decisions about his life based on reality now.

I am on my 4th therapist now. Trying to find the right fit. This new guy is more of a hard hitter and direct which is what I need. He told me happy people in marriages rarely cheat.

I don't equate this statement with him being a hard-hitter. I equate it with him not having great experience dealing with infidelity. Find a fifth.

Have you shared the following with him....

Why does part of me want to be living the single life? I have a great family and a great life so why would I trade that just to “date” and experience other men? It’s my insecurities driving that I think, I want to be wanted and needed yet that fades away fast so what is it that I’m needing or searching for?

Part of me wants to be separated so that I can truly miss him and the kids and fight for them.

To echo Skan...what are you thinking?! This isn't some movie where you put them through hell and then more hell and then swoop back when you finally realize their worth. Leaving your family with your H during his trauma would be devastating to all. Even to say as you wrote: You would tell them that you are leaving to work out your "anger issues". For how long mommy? Did we make you angry? Why are you so angry? I don't know how old your kids are. Mine are 9 and 7 and I can only imagine their confusion and breaking hearts.

Finally, I have read a lot by HUFI in the past year. He comes across as being kind, open and honest and newbies are fortunate to have this wisdom.

Anyhow, I hope you can see that the marriage issues that may exist are symptomatic of a brokenness within one or more of the partners. Unreal expectations, carrying resentment, inability to communicate, unable to be assertive, being enabling, looking for validation in the wrong places, these are the type of issues that I think you need to look for. Don’t simply blame the marriage.

For your H, this is the darkest time of his life no doubt. I hope you encourage him to tell someone - a best friend, a trusted colleague, a family member. He might want to look into IC. I hope you direct him to SI or a similar place of support. He truly needs a place of refuge right now.

I do believe that your current therapist is on the wrong track in blaming something in your marriage for causing you to cheat. People cheat in "good marriages" all the time. Conversely, no one is happy in their marriage 100% of the time, and many of those people never cheat. We as WS have to look within ourselves to figure out why cheating was a viable choice, not at what was wrong with the marriage.

Let me add my vote to this. Cannot say it better than this.

Also, leaving would be the last thing I want to do. There are not enough minutes in the day for me to prove to BW that I really, desperately want to change and to save our M and family. I want BW to see my remorse as much as she can, and try to remind herself that I can be better than the person she fell in love with. I want to give her space if she needs it. But I want to do everything I can to help her heal. That is a lot easier to do in the house. If he is hurt by the sight of you, leave the room, but stay as close as you possibly can.

It sounds like you are taking the right steps. Unfortunately, these are only the first few of a lot of them. Good luck.