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His OW is gone back to China and i dont know if there is still contact. I asked him last night what was going on. He wants to live here for the year until my daughter graduates and he finally said the dreaded word he wants a divorce because he wants change its a feeling he said. He looks so cold and lost. So we are supposed to live under the same roof and act as friends, golf all summer together! What is he thinking or is he? I asked him if we have the year could we take baby steps and see if we can work this out but no answer. I asked what is stopping you, you will have a win win no matter what and i can end up losing. I just can't see giving everything up for his feeling he has. Could it be a bit of mid life or his withdrawl from OW.

Doubled-up. :)

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 3:27 PM, February 28th (Friday)]

Why should you have to wait a year to move on with your life? How does he think hanging around and lying to your daughter for a year isn't going to feel like a betrayal at the end of it? To me, she's going to take that worse than if he was honest.

It's selfish enough that he is in an affair. It's beyond selfish that he expects you to pretend everything is fine for a year while he gets all his ducks in a row. You should be getting your ducks in a row now and the first duck in that row should be his ass on the curb. If that doesn't wake him up, nothing will but at least if he's a sleeping duck you will be that much further in moving on rather than hanging onto hope for a year.

I have to agree with Tearsoflove, not just coming from a BS but also as a child who had parents that stayed together "for the children". It was devastating when my parents divorced because we all knew that there were problems, big problems, but them staying together and playing house gave us hope. Lying to us was a betrayal all in itself. My siblings and I have all but cut my Dad out of our lives because those years caused so much damage, we knew he just wanted a quick and easy divorce and children complicate that. We all resented my Mom for a long time because she put up with it, she would have been a stronger role model had she divorced him while we were still at home.

I am so sorry that you are going through this, but I say kick him to the curb, he will either wake up or not, you are better off either way. Stop the cycle of lying and pretending.

No, he's not thinking. Life isn't some stage play. You have to be able to live authentically and that means not just doing whatever he feels is most convenient. If he intends to D it is better to do it now than put yourself in limbo, hoping for a change and not moving forward.

I'm so sorry.

I completely agree with the other posters. The fact that he has basically told you that you are expected to be a pretend wife for a year is beyond inexcusable. How convenient. While he pines away for his AP he thinks he gets to have you wait on him hand and foot and pretend everything is fine.

And he gets to keep his cover with your daughter.

Showing him the door might bomb blast him out of this delusion that he gets to have everything his way, use you for a year and then dump you. I know you are scared and hurt, but you now need to get mad. Really mad. Hell...I'm mad and it's not happening to me.

I agree with the others - is that the example you want your daughter to see - that the wife should live a lie?

Your daughter deserves the truth - she has a big stake in this.

Don't let him control the shots. My father did something like this when we were teens. In the end, they got a divorce after we were adults. It would have been so much easier for my mom to have ended it sooner than later.

He is making it clear his feelings. I will also bet he is not expecting you to take a stand. Sometimes the only way to save your marriage is to be ready to end it. It wasn't until I was ready for a D that my FWH got his head out of his a$$.

Do what is right for you and your daughter.

It doesn't matter whether he's in a mid-life crisis or not - what matters is that he's a selfish asshole. Tell him to leave today.

You need to get angry at this abuse he is heaping on you. Its a matter of self esteem; why would you allow someone to treat you so callously? Where are you boundaries?

You need to develop a thirst for justice and a desire to recover the respect that your WH no longer shows you. Demand [not ask!] your cheating husband to leave the house and initiate divorce proceedings. You will be doing this not for revenge but as a matter of your own self-respect; the image you have of yourself and how you will not let selfish people tarnish that image.

This above all: to thine ownself be true,

He really needs a dose of reality. Read this posting as I think it does a pretty good job of describing right now where you and your WH stand -

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=523605&HL=41988

You actually have an advantage against the OW in that if you do impose some reality on him he can't go running to the OW for emotional security. Now is the time to act.

Here is update on my thread. I asked him to leave March 30 for a week so i could get it together. I get an email saying he is not coming back. We have been living apart ever since, him living with some guy from work in the middle of nowhere. Seen our daughter 4 times since then. Texts her every night i guess that is good but i know it hurts her as well. He tried early on in march with his own separation papers but found out he needed a lawyer to write them up. I get them in late April no spousal support and no rrsp. Just child support and half the house with all contents. Says i don't need lawyer just too sign. lol I am not dumb!!!! I am a stay at home mom for 16 years and part time house cleaner btw, I get a lawyer but had to ask my dad for the retainer. 42 and having to ask my dad for money so embarrassing. All through this i begged, pleaded to try and work on marriage but it all depended on papers. WTF does that mean. If i am mean i loose if i am nice i loose. I did go see a lawyer and boy was he nice then. He finally got a call from his lawyer now June stating they want all his financials. Oh boy he is mad! I really don't believe when i told him i got a lawyer he believed me. He sees me as weak and willing to do anything for him. Yes i feel i still love him and yes if he had agreed to marriage counselling it would be different. He never calls or texts, doesn't stop by and does not do anything around our house, thank-god i have good neighbours. I am capable of doing it but there is so much. I was patient and i asked again and again to try and that i forgave him for his mistake. He said he never made a mistake!! ouch .He said him and the OW are done and he doesn't know where she is. Bull he was just in China on a business trip he knows where she is from. Everyday i get stronger but i had to be put on anti-depressants which helps so much. No more tears but the knots in my stomach are there. I have lost 30 pounds through all this and i am done being a victim. The fact he loved me then went so far to hate me for as i see it's nothing i did except be a wife with some imperfections. Nobody's perfect. I know my mistakes i see them now. What did he think would happen? I would roll over and say do what you want i am broken. He has pushed all his friends and family away. I just told his family at the end of May because i thought they should know. I got a lot of support and they tried to reach out to him but all he said he was he made up his mind and he will sort it out. He doesn't want anybody's advice and all his friends are shaking their heads saying he his making a mistake. He has lost friends, family, a house; Why? He just walked away and i really don't think he sees the collateral damage he is leaving behind. I am sad for him but more sad for my daughter and me i am sad but entering the angry phase.

He finally got a call from his lawyer now June stating they want all his financials. Oh boy he is mad!

Stay strong. He is a fool. He has underestimated you for THE LAST time. Go NC on your terms. Never beg or offer R again.

I have a friend who went through this. I went through this. We both agree that the only thing we regret is that we begged him to stay.

When I quit begging. He started. Too bad. I am happy without him. And I NEVER believed I would feel that way.

You are,doing well. Stay strong!

I agree with all the other posters. Tell him to leave today. Why the hell should you give him any time when he's already telling you what he wants? Give him exactly what he wants NOW! Chances are he'll soon realize the grass isn't always greener...its greener where you water it!

sending you strength today...you got this!

whoops! Just saw you posted an update!

Totally agree with waiting2see!

Stay strong. Do not ever ever ask, invite or accept this man back in your life for anything other than shared parenting.

And depending on how long you were married, I would imagine you are entitled to some spousal support and half his retirement contributions during made during marriage. Be careful if he is out of the country a lot...he could try to hide money/assets where you can't track them down...so act now and fast.

Ty everyone! Never in a million years would i thought i would be where i am now. We have been together for 24 years and married 14 years. I have had NC since last Sunday since i was so stupid and wished him a Happy Birthday. He said he was hanging out with new buddies and didn't want to come see our daughter for his birthday. I guess trying to live the single life doesn't give you much time to consider what you you left behind or miss it. The guy i know now is a complete idiot and selfish. I only wish pain and suffering onto him but i know that is not the real me it's just the anger for how he has turned me into the enemy. Yes i am entitled to spousal support that is why he tried getting me not to go to a lawyer. He doesn't want to pay for it would be alot since i have been a homeaker for almost 17 years, is choosing i have to say. He wanted me home and i asked to go back to school early on but he said no we could not afford it. I clean houses part time so i could still be here and have the house clean and be here for my daughter when she got home from school. Now he say's my life was handed to me and he see's my true colours only wanting money. I was told i didn't respect him and nothing was ever good enough. Bull crap! I never was the one thpe that would get my hair done all the time or get manicures or anything to pamper myself it was all about them. Yes i repainted the house a few times but that was for us and when my daughter goes off to school we could sell and would be ready. He has taken our future and stomped all over it because he was not happy. I know it wasn't the marriage but himself inside that was not happy and if was a real man he should of spoke up or got help. He has a very stressful job and i know that is part of the problem and now what does he do, works longer hours and takes on more responsibilities so he doesn't have to think about the destruction he has done. That Ow has cost him everything and i hope one day he wakes up and it is too late.

Boy, Beyond

You sound so strong! and right spot on in your interpretations. Good for you.

I absolutely hate when ws think that a bs' working at home is "handing" bs a silver platter. The nerve. They insist on bs not working, all gets discussed (I think some of this is ws their control in the M) THEN use it against you. I have seen this time after time. I think it's all the more reason for women to keep working outside the home to prevent this.

I agree with others. Doesn't matter why, your ws has either been this way, changed, and gone off the deep end not likely to return. Hard to keep loving this what you have now.

I know it still hurts, but stay the course!

You are doing a great job Beyondme. He is being so selfish and you don't deserve any of it. You are moving forward in your life and that is a good thing even if its not what you really wanted.