SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How are you doing today william?

i mentioned to my wife yesterday that its always me that brings up the affairs she had, that its not fair, and that leaving them undiscussed doesnt make them go away but rather leaves them to fester. she agreed.

now the ball is in her court...

the doctors found a clot of blood and tissue they "missed". its caused my wife immense pain and she has had to go back today to redo the entire procedure :( .

Very sorry to hear that william. You guys can't catch a break. My thoughts continue to be with you and your family.

Thinking of your wife today and hoping the procedure goes well william.

I hope she will be able to start bringing up the subject with you constructively, too.

we have had a bad time lately.

the day before yesterday

we drove by two of my wife's "guy friends" (the bakery kisser and a friend who sent her a masturbation video). we drove by the liquor store my wife used to buy her drinks at to get drunk on a daily basis. i spend the day thinking about this and realize that the day before she had grabbed a notebook that one of her enabling friends had made and then given her for a present - the same crap that i asked her to toss LONG ago yet hasnt been tossed. i see the art on the wall given to her by one of her "guy friends" (one who asked her to stay later at a club so they could "make out").

so i spend the day getting more and more triggered.

then yesterday i take my daughter to the hospital for an impacted tooth while my wife stays home (due to stomach pains). we go by the road the same two guys live on (but not by their houses). we go by the family business. we have to go through the station that my wife and her LTA guy used to walk too when they went on walks after her work.

i explode at my wife later.

- yell at her that the crap related to her affair guys and people associated with them still hasnt been thrown away, its still all there.

- that when her phone crashed it added many of her old contacts back (the same ones we deleted because they were involved in affairs with her, etc)and she has 2 hours transit to work and back a day where she COULD have (again) deleted them but instead watched youtube videos the whole way..

that she talks but doesnt actually DOES ANYTHING about what we talk about - keep her phone clean, throw away anything affair related, etc.

the argument got very bad. i said alot of mean stuff. true, but mean and not said gently.

then this morning she goes to the hospital. im not allowed to go so i sit and look through her emails.

WHY?

because im in a black hole of not getting information and i want to know things. i initiate 99.999% of her affair conversations and thats being generous giving her the .0001%. anything i find out has to be drug out against deep resistance in which she gives few if any details, minimizes, or says she cant remember. i hear IDK and ICR to everything. either she cant or wont tell me many things.

so i look through her emails. i find the last sexting partners name (the one she didnt tell until her "full and complete list" - the one that was neither full nor complete). the background on him was before she met me she knew him from a band they were both fans of and after awhile they sexted some together, long ago. they met in 2004 (again before she and i met) and had some form of sexual activity (again vague answers to direct questions). i find that in may 2011 she was trying to get him a job working with her.

keep in mind some specific questions i asked her

---> did you do ANYTHING inappropriate with ANYONE prior to aug/sept 2011? the answer ALWAYS a no.

i find some emails to herself. one of the very odd disjointed rambling ones that she wrote herself that seem like shes high or something.

1: she states that she missed her period for two weeks and may be pregnant with LTA guy. from the gist of the email it seems that they discussed what to do but then she got her next period and life went on. this makes me wonder about her claim of 100% always wearing protection. it also sickens me.

2: its from right around the time LTA guy came into our house.

her story has evolved from

A: she felt uncomfortable but forced it onwards, light touching over clothes and some kissing, that she took a pic of them in our bed as a "trophy", saw it in the light from the hall, felt even more uncomfortable, and asked him to the couch

to

B: she felt uncomfortable but forced it onwards, he fingered her in our bed, she maybe (50/50) gave him oral sex, she took the pic, saw it in the light, felt even more uncomfortable, smoked a cig, went to bed, and has no idea where he slept.

she has claimed multiple times that this was "the moment" she realized that what she was doing was terrible and it "just" took her months to get out of doing it. but that she knew.

in this email she says

- that they lay for hours in our bed. that she was worried about waking the daughter but didnt care because he was her obsession.

- that she enjoyed eating dinner with him and our daughter

- that if she had spent the last 10 years with him her life would have been perfect

- that her life is better with him in it.

obviously that conflicts with her previous statements substantially.

ive just gotten my wife at the hospital with my daughter. but i am thinking about the contradictions, the stuff she didnt tell me .... and i am SERIOUSLY considering whether THIS is the deal breaker. right now i feel like it.

to top it all off my wife had a very long procedure. she asked "why" afterwards and they said there is a growth in her womb. they say it "could" be cancerous. they dont know and wont know for 3 weeks until the sample they took comes back from the lab. this is what my wifes mother died from.

[This message edited by william at 11:25 AM, April 7th (Monday)]

F@#$!!! That is awful. The TT is killing what's left of your marriage and more so what's left of you. Have you started to think what a D looks like? Have you looked at the D process in Italy and what is needed/consists of? Is it like here where you can start the process and pull out of it later if you want to? Most importantly, what does a D process look like for your DD? Would you be able to retain custody?

Sorry for all the questions william but these are the questions I would be asking myself at this point. I don't think anyone would fault you for it. I don't think anyone would fault you for continuing to try and work for your family either, but at some point you have to start looking out for yourself so that you can heal and the TT is only making it worse. At this point I think you have endured more that your share of TT which is way more than anyone should have to endure. With that I would start to explore all options. Then let her know about it when she is healthier.

Now it also sounds like there may be a new health issue for her as well?

Keep venting here william. We are here for you brother.

yop

William, my brother. She doesn't get it. It's time for you to strategically withdraw and preserve your remaining assets. 180 is your friend. N/C your shelter. Fix YOU first.

She is doing nothing to preserve, maintain or defend the M. The obvious fact is, she's actively promoting its demise. The tattoo's are just almost impossible to overcome. She's not willing to even get rid of the easy reminders?

Save yourself.

Strength

I'm sorry William.

But, as I have said from the start of your threads, Your W is to F*cked up in her head. She will not get it. I see one possible way for you but it is a slim chance. File for D. If the laws are somewhat similar in Italy as elsewhere it will take some time for the D to run through and that will give you some time to see if she gets it under the preassure of D. As of ow your W have had no real consequences that she cares about and she feels that you will stay either way so she keeps doing her thing. You need to shake her out of her Comfort zone and make her doubt you staying.

However I don't Think that your W will ever get it I'm sorry to say.

She just isn't remorsefull of what she has done. If she was she would seek help. She would not let her thread on this board die. She is basically doing nothing to help you, nothing to understand you or herself. Nothing to change herself.

William

While I agree you should file a part of me remains compassionate for both of you and your kid.

Wait the the three weeks for your wifes results.

You have plenty of time to make a decision....

HM

i am going to wait. watch. observe.

i have the time to decide.

but up until now i have been pretty unwavering in my decision to reconcile with her. this has left me much more receptive to the alternative.

im pretty livid about the condoms. to me this is VERY BIG. from "we always wore them" to "i asked him to but i dont know if he ever actually put one on" is a HUGE jump that endangers MY life. if she wanted to gamble her life that is one thing. to gamble mine - thats something else. to lie about it (and saying "one was always used" to "i asked him to but have no idea if he actually put one one, i cant remember him ever stopping to put one on, dont remember him ever "tasting" of condom when i gave him a blowjob after having sex for awhile" IS A LIE) to me for this long afterwards shows a massive disregard for my health, my life, my well being, and is completely F'ed up. the good news is that she is now planning the full blood tests to check on everything. the bad news is - whatever she has (if anything) i probably now have too that it is this long afterwards destroys the trust i had rebuilt in her - shatters it actually.

trickle truth really sucks. and the worst is she claims it is NOT trickle truth.

however, today she did do something while i was gone.

she threw away her clothes, shoes, jackets, etc related to the A - the ones she wore to the club, to see him, in pictures she sent, etc. a huge bag of clothes. actually starting to clean out the crap that i asked her 10 months ago to do (when i thought it was only an EA and only with one guy) so, again 6 months ago, in january, and a few weeks ago. to finally see her start is SOMETHING.

she started going through picture albums and tossing pics of ex-bf's, guys she had sexted with, had her affairs with, etc.

she is talking about cleaning the car this weekend together and selling it next week (the same car she had sex in the back seat in).

so i finally started to see SOMETHING active from her.

dont get me wrong - no contact with these people, not going out at night, etc IS important. but it is PASSIVE. you just dont call. you dont email. you dont go out.

getting rid of stuff requires an active effort. the passive effort is there, it has been from day one. the active effort is something new.

now i just need to watch and see if it continues until its all gone. if its temporary.

because she told me on the phone today "why didnt you bring up the affair for the 3 hours we were at home together?". i told her "i shouldnt have to, i bring it up 99% of the time. i didnt do anything wrong. you did. why should i have to initiate trying to fix it EVERY time. you messed it up, you should be trying to clean up your mess. its not mine. i just got dumped in the shit along with you. it should be you trying desperately to get the full story out, initiating convos, trying to repair what you broke. ive tried for 10 months to find out the story, the truth. its all had to be dragged out of you like a tooth. i went about it all wrong. i should have let YOU do the work. you made the mess, not me. YOU try to clean it up."

when i got home she held to me for a long hug and cried.

despite feeling i am in the right about what ive been saying for the last few days i also feel like an A-hole for having said it NOW ... while she is going through this procedure, awaiting test results, etc.

despite feeling i am in the right about what ive been saying for the last few days i also feel like an A-hole for having said it NOW ... while she is going through this procedure, awaiting test results, etc.

You're not an A-Hole william. You are still hanging in there, not bailing. It's been a very long, taxing arduous journey for you. No matter what happens down the road you know you gave this more than everything you had. We're still here for you.

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 2:48 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]

How are you doing today william?

my wife brought up scheduling sessions when we plan to talk. thats a plus.

im not sure when, shes in alot of pain.

we do plan on removing the tats. tis been hard to do with so much going on.

im just trying to preserve my sanity right now.

Every little bit is progress. Keep moving forward my friend.

I've loved the last two updates. Actions not words. Two really salient points:

so i finally started to see SOMETHING active from her.

we do plan on removing the tats.

Things are *starting* to look better. I'm glad for you.

Strength

yeah, having her show some active motions is HUGE.

passive stuff she has been doing from day one. not going out. maintaining no contact. etc. i told her passive doesnt mean its not important, we need to breathe to live but its done passively.

but active is also important. active is making the effort to actually get up, throw away the old affair clothes, to toss away crap that is related to the affairs, to initiate a conversation.

the two things have to both be done.

but yesterday i came home from work. normally she wears a pully or long sleeve shirt to hide the tattoo on the arm and long socks to hide the ankle ones. she was wearing a short sleeve shirt but had covered them in a concealing makeup. the fact that she had THOUGHT about how i felt when i saw them, figured out a way to hide them, and then did it ... it was very touching.

today she had to go help her dad for a few horus. my daughter and i are home. she couldnt get back for lunch so she asked if i could go there to eat with them BUT also said that if the house made me too uncomfortable (she had 2 PA sessions there with LTA guy)that she could understand if i didnt want to go. but that she was sad she couldnt get back for lunch. normally i avoid that house like the plague. i detest her dad too for how he treated my wife when she was a child, hes a cockroach. but because of the way that she expressed she understood, could accept it, but then told me how she felt - it was like a path of communication was opening up for her. she could tell me clearly things showing she understands, telling me how she feels, and then actually asking me without passive aggressive hostility or without drama or a guilt trip. it was very beautiful. so im going to lunch there even though i dont want too ... because making her happy is worth the amount of discomfort id get from being there.

little things - small gestures, showing that she does "get it", showing that she cares, etc - those are huge.

in the last few days ive seen a huge step up for her. im making sure to let her know that i see it. that i know what she is doing. that i appreciate. that it means alot.

William, I ve been readin your story for a bit too, but haven't had anything to say. Until now.

William you're not an A hole for choosing until now to be brutal on your wife. While your timing may not be the greatest it really isn't your concern. You have been a pillar if strength to your wayward in spite of the continuing torment she is inflicting through her inaction. For that, I commend you.

I hope that this is the start of true healing for you.

william. this is great news in more ways than one. Not only is she showing you active motions, but you are showing her the same. I'm sure with this latest round of what you went through and you showing her that you were sticking by her side maybe helped foster some of this too? And now you reciprocating for a lunch date in s triggery place. Can't help but believe that maybe you are both starting to turn towards each other. This is good on both fronts.

Keep watching my friend. I'm pulling for your family more than ever.

yop

How are you feeling william? The Mrs's feeling any better? Still positive signs on the home front?