SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I understand how you feel right now. It sucks and you shouldn't have to go through it.

You shouldn't be concerned with her actions right now, she should be concerned with yours. She should have her copy of complete-yet-unfiled D papers in her hand. She's not going to take you or this relationship seriously until that point. She still might not take it seriously at that point.

It's been a pretty good weekend. We have refrained from talking about relationship stuff as planned. I think we're supposed to talk tonight. I will if she wants to. Per the 180, I shouldn't push for it, so I won't.

She is still listening to a lot of country music while idling and then changing the station to something else when she gets home. That still sounds ominous.

There was a call on her call log to him yesterday, but when I investigated further, she aparently called and immediately hung up before connecting. So it was probably a mistake, but I'm still wondering how. On the plus side, she doesn't seem to be savvy enough to delete bits off her call log so that will be another tool. Next time we talk, I'll ask about any contact or attempted contact and see where that leads.

Again, this is a bit of a journal. Please respond as you like.

I would not bet the call to him was a mistake at all. Listening to music he likes, changing the station when she gets home, and then the call to his number . I'd say it sounds ominous . Certainly no indication she is thinking of you.

If there is supposed to be no contact, why does she not have new phone number that he does not know. If his number gets dialed again, do you think that will be a co incidence.

Why the 180 at this point. Detaching and giving her space is not what you should do. The discussions should be when you want, not her. She is the bad guy here, not you.

Next time we talk, I'll ask about any contact or attempted contact and see where that leads.

Ask the questions you already know the answers to. But when she lies, do not let her know that you know she is lying. Do not let on that you know a great deal more.

What concerns me about calling him and then hanging up right away. That could be some signal to him. HE would see the incoming name most likely.

They could be communicating another way.

Do not let on you know all about this, keep watching and learning.

Oh man. You remind me so much of me. My WW did and said all the same bull. Everyone that posted on my thread when I was here was right. It was already PA. She was playing me. The worst is I defended her until the bitter end even as everyone here tried to tell me what was going on.

This woman is controlling and manipulating you. I think you really know what is going on. I also think you are trying to convince yourself it isn't what you know it is. Why? I don't know. Maybe it is easier for you to believe it isn't as bad as it seems. I say this because you remind me so damn much of myself.

Long kiss on the way to the airport? I would bet the house she had her hands in his pants, or at least she was measuring him up. And no, i'm not talking about measuring his biceps.

Please see a divorce lawyer. Please take control of the situation -- you cannot control both of you but you can control your own destiny. You can do this by making decisions and let her react to your decisions -- not the other way around. The lawyer is a great start for this.

Please. I'm triggering like hell just watching her play you the way my WW played me.

Changing the radio station? Reminds me of being a teenager and making sure I changed from FM to AM and turning the volume down low so Dad wouldn't know id been jamming in his car to loud music. Very deliberate for me and likely as deliberate for her. She called, then changed her mind. So, it's clear she's thinking of him, not you,when commuting. Is OM on sped dial or the like? Hard to make a mistake if you must press 10 numbers to make a call. Or was it a "reply" call?

You were always on my mind, by Willie Nelson. An old country song.

Keep cool and keep her guessing about your intentions. You can see the futility of being nice in a few long posts here. And more than a few women here have commented that women respect dominant men, not wimps.

So we talked last night. She did tell me about the call saying it was a butt dial. Not sure that's totally true but at least she did tell me about it.

Not much was resolved. We talked about boundaries going forward. Basically she feels that ad long as we don't fall in love or have sex with someone then it's ok. Hmm. I don't think I could live like that.

Something else weird. It sounds like she's rewriting history in regards to the previous affair. She thinks it was just an EA when I know for a fact it was both an EA and PA. Her mom was the queen of revisionist history. It just makes me worried that she actually believes this.

What happened with the other affair did you catch her or did she confess. Given her track record she should not have male friends. Has she really agreed to no contact.

Back then I had a feeling and I found an email. She slowly fessed up to various points including that they were physical.

She has agreed to no contact while we work on things. I believe her plan is to resume a friendship with him once we are reconciled. I'm not sure ill ever be ok with that but at least that gives me the advantage of time. It hasn't been a week and I can tell its really bothering her. Yes that sounds weak. Its the hand I've been dealt.

Can't Trust Her

So, basically, she is telling you that she is NOT accepting your boundaries that you need to rebuild trust, that she will continue to flirt and establish relationships with other men as when she feels like it, and you are to just accept it will not lead to PA, and she has already just told you that she rejects your appraisal of this current situation.

After what she told you, do you really believe that call was an accident??? She told you because she knows you are watching her, although not to the extent that you are. Basically, she is NOT agreeing to NC with this guy

There is no concern about what you think and what you want or need. If you can accept that, you will be living each day just waiting for the "hammer" to drop on you again.

She is in Disneyland, especially when you add the nonsense about her previous "A".

She thinks it was just an EA when I know for a fact it was both an EA and PA.

Did you call her out on it? Did you say Bullshit. I know for a fact that you did? You absolutely have to call out this stuff. If you don't she will happily continue to believe her bullshit, and then when things go south it will be your fault (according to her).

She is still in fog land. She is still justifying, and minimizing her actions. When you have these talks have you asked her how she would feel if you had done similar things, or acted as she has? If she tells you she would be ok with it, she is lying, or really is lost in unicorn land.

Stand up for yourself. Let this stuff make you angry. You have every right to be.

I have called her on the PA stuff on she previous affair every time sue has said this.

The more I think about it the more I'm sure. I can't be in a marriage where the only boundaries are love and sex.

Basically she feels that ad long as we don't fall in love or have sex with someone then it's ok.

That would be okay in a marriage where there is total trust and no history of affairs.

And she has proven she does not know boundaries at all.

She thinks it was just an EA when I know for a fact it was both an EA and PA.

Do you have anything written by her from the past where she said anything concerning a PA. If so, just lay that out on the table in front of her the next time you talk. And tell her that rewriting history is the same as lying.

I believe her plan is to resume a friendship with him once we are reconciled.

Nope, not with the way she has crossed the boundary already.

But this is just your guess at this time, but probably a pretty good guess.

Just my opinion, she is showing no regards to your feelings at all, zero. She doesn't get it at all how this is tearing you apart, she only cares about what she feels and who she can talk to.

One day she will forget to change the FM channel, and you can get into the car and ask her why the hell the car radio is on the CW station.

Until then, keep listening and watching.

OH, about the butt dial. The only way that could happen is if the guy's number is still in her memory or speed dial. She can't even get that out of her phone, you should help her do that.

Make it so her excuses are not that easy.

I agree if she is deleting text then that means she has something to hide and I'm not sure of the best approach but you have to take a stand bc they keep doing this crap to us bc we let them...If we never stand then they will keep doing it...it's stupid but like a kid they will try to get away with as much as they can...

And you can not let that man stay in your house...that is a major no no and she knows that!

Wish you luck on your talk with her but think about what your going to say before you say it..have a plan.

Here's the text I sent her. There has been no reply.

" I've been thinking a lot about what you said last night. We need to talk again tonight after the girls go down."

I hope she.stews in it all day.

This could force her to tip her hand. So listen carefully and watch her phone today.

The bottom line is that she cannot have a boyfriend and a husband at the same time.

She cannot take forever making up her mind.

And she has yet to realize the magnitude of affairs and has yet to learn about herself and how she handles boundaries.

You got it right. She will be "stewing". The problem is when you talk you have to keep her stewing.

I honestly think at some point, maybe not yet, you are going to have to confront her with what you know or she is going to continue to play this cat and mouse game with you talking in generalities and ending each discussion on a "non agreement mode" All that does is still leave you in detective mode.

Take a gander at the thread on JFO "Unthinkable". After two weeks of the basic same attitude, he found an e mail, confronted her, filed for D and then she broke down and is climbing or beginning to climb off the fence. But he now is at least playing offense, not defense.

She will keep deflecting your arguments, and as you said, she thinks she will let this cool off and then restart communication with him. Until she believes that ain't happening while she is living with you, she will drive you crazy.

So you caught her before and gave her the gift of R. She has done the same thing and you won't put your foot down. You will be destined to repeat this story again unless you show her you will not accept this behavior. Get divorce papers and say stop or get out. No more secrets no more BS. She need to show you she wants to be in your marriage. Dude stop pussy footing around and do something.

So she seems to be freaking out. I won't give her any details over text. The petty side of my is cheering.

You should be cheering. You are tilting the scales back towards your side. But when the talking starts is where you need to lower the boom. I would flat out tell her that what you said that if she thinks she is going to revive this relationship that you might as well get divorced now. Tell her you do not believe she did not have sex with him on the ski trip( even if you are not sure you may bluff it out of her if you get her mad enough), that it outrageous to invite him into your home and run your nose on it, and that it just ain't happening any more.

If you get the preliminary ad papers and hand them to her, you will get your answers which you need or you will be hiring PI s all over the country when she races if you agree to let her leave which I can't believe you would right now

How has your intimacy been?? If not too good, then where is her mind???