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I'm gonna give you the newbie advice I give all. For you it really matters because she is remorseless.

Get to an attorney like yesterday. Find out your rights and her obligations. Knowledge is power and you can use some now.

You get to be in charge or R but only if you stand up and take control.

Lay down your requirements for R and be prepared to carry through with consequences . The only thing that is going to make things change is changing your current norm.

Go get STD tested and make her and don't have unprotected sex until she does and Proves she is disease free. This is a harsh reality of whatshe did.

Don't be afraid of standing up for yourself. You aren't going to loose her of you don't she may stay gone because she has been able to sit upon her fence quite easily so far.

EasyE....

Sorry youre here Bro.....your wifes BF - she still in contact with him?

If she is.....you basically have 3 in your marriage - something has to change for R to happen....It will NOT happen while she has a BF...

You know who the dude is? Is he married? you sure? (your wife is not a good source of this information - need to verify this some other way).

Just a heads up on "shits and giggles affairs".......youre gonna hear ILYBINILWY (I love you but im not in love with you)....very common phrase among cheating spouses....Also - "We're in love/soulmates".....more bullshit....of course she's in love.....other wise shes a cheatin' whore.....KWIM? Easier to swallow if "we're in love"....

No disrespect to your cheating wife....BUT women will often have....or think they have....emotional ties to their APs... I call it a "fog"...and until the fog raises - you will hear all kinds of bullshit....count on it...expect it. At this point in my FWWs affair - I didn't believe a damn thing she said....and only half of what I saw....

Bro....first thing you need to do is be sure the affair is over.....AND that means NO CONTACT between them....be careful....a lot of affairs will go underground at this point...and my DDAY was a freakin' nightmare - sure didn't want another one.....

Have you looked at the 180? have you consulted an attorney? May need to do both.... My FWW didn't got off that fence until she was reading the divorce papers....HUGE reality check....

I highly recommend IC/MC..it will NOT work while the A is ongoing.....sure didn't work me......I was getting my leg humped...and didn't care for it....

Keep us posted....

Bufffalo

I have read the 180 and I am trying to impliment some of the steps. I have been cold to her. Answering on only short answers and only after she initiates . Even then i really only reply when it's about the kids or finances. My wife funnily enough did get tested for STD and they came back negative. The reason was she was in the hospital will severe stomach pain in the ovary area. They thought it was PID(pelvic inflammatory disease). Which would be caused by Ghonnorea or syphilis. They ran a full panel to be sure. I was with her in the hospital and saw the results on paper aaa her Gyno is at a different clinic And she had to follow up with him. The hospital stay was actually when I found out about the A. They took her for ultrasound and left me with her phone. I am still getting myself tested just to be safe. My WW BF lives in another state. They met online. I have access to his page & email address. Based on his Goigle+ page he isn't married but it appears he is just trolling for a fling.

Keep on the 180

He even told her have has to go NC or else we can go there 2 years and it won't do any good.

I found out she has been contacting him again

So why go back? Seriously, show her strength. Cancel the MC and please visit a lawyer. You don't have to file for D, just find out what options are available to you. I meant it when I said that primary custody would be yours if she chooses to leave. The kids have a *stable* home environment where they are at.

Reality often brings a very harsh light. Even in a *no-fault* state, an affair weighs heavily on the cheating spouse especially when the childrens best interests are being ignored. Even if her knight in shining armor arrives on a unicorn with saddlebags filled with benjamins, the childrens best interests will come first in any D proceeding.

Strength Easy, the woman you are in love with has become a phantasm, a ghost. The woman you live with would happily wish your existence away if it meant she could be with him.

Detach

Don't

Ever

Try

And

Change

Her

She has to do that herself. Your responsibility is to protect yourself, thereby enabling you to save/protect your kids.

Sorry I should have clarified. Her trip to see him in St Louis she told me was a business trip. Her job has her managing websites for very famous high end clothing companies. She said it was a meet & greet as well as a strategy planning session. I believed her because others at her job had just come back from a meeting in Miami. She even showed me pictureS of it as well as posts so when she mentioned she had to go to St Louis and I not knowing about him believed her and let her go. I just sent HIM a text telling him to stop contacting my wife. I also told her I am sick & tired of feeling like this. I will tell her in the am when she wakes up I sent it and give her an ultimatum. I'M DONE.

EasyE,

I am so sorry for you. I have a lot of empathy for betrayed husbands, being one myself.

I think textbook WW's, of which yours is one, spout all the same kind of bullshit to justify what they are doing. I've heard it all before.

What I will say is that MC is pointless at this stage. She's not invested in saving the marriage. She's still fogged up. She will take the bits from MC where the BH is made responsible for pre-affair behaviours but ignore any parts of MC where she has to take responsibility for what she's done. And that assumes that the MC doesn't blame the BH for her choice to have an affair. Not all MC is born equal, if you KWIM?

Play hardball to start with. Knock her out of the fog and then go to MC.

I know your pain. I hope she gets her head out of her ass and comes back to you. I really do.

AAS

How'd your day go today EasyE?

Hey everyone. Sorry yesterday was a very weird day. Wednesday night I had told her I had enough. I texted the OM and told him to no longer contact my wife. I told her I did it and showed her the text. She got mad and left the room. I waited a few minutes to rally my strength I went out after her. She said once again my feelings don't matter as long as you're happy. I told her it's not just about you. It's about our children and how they'll be affected both emotionally and socially(they have tons of friends in the neighborhood and at school). It's about me, it's about her, it's about our friends, & our extended families. His seem to jostle her some. She got less defensive and more talkative. We talked for 3 hours. She said she was willing to work on us. We held each other and fell asleep(it was 4:00 in the morning at this point). Yesterday morning it got the response from the OM telling me he loves my wife but will not contact her. If it doesn't go well with therapy and she decides she wants to leave he will be there waiting. Again this was an emotional affair that started online but got physical once but she had to take money and travel to St Louis to meet him. He mentioned that my wife and him had discussed moving in together with my kids. HELL NO! He was rude in his response while I was cordial(in case it could be used against me later). Last night after work we talked. I cried and she was comforting. Holding me whispering in my ear she loves me. We ordered out for dinner. We went to bed and talked very little as we were both exhausted from being up all night before.

Hey everyone. Sorry yesterday was a very weird day. Wednesday night I had told her I had enough. I texted the OM and told him to no longer contact my wife. I told her I did it and showed her the text. She got mad and left the room. I waited a few minutes to rally my strength I went out after her. She said once again my feelings don't matter as long as you're happy. I told her it's not just about you. It's about our children and how they'll be affected both emotionally and socially(they have tons of friends in the neighborhood and at school). It's about me, it's about her, it's about our friends, & our extended families. His seem to jostle her some. She got less defensive and more talkative. We talked for 3 hours. She said she was willing to work on us. We held each other and fell asleep(it was 4:00 in the morning at this point). Yesterday morning it got the response from the OM telling me he loves my wife but will not contact her. If it doesn't go well with therapy and she decides she wants to leave he will be there waiting. Again this was an emotional affair that started online but got physical once but she had to take money and travel to St Louis to meet him. He mentioned that my wife and him had discussed moving in together with my kids. HELL NO! He was rude in his response while I was cordial(in case it could be used against me later). Last night after work we talked. I cried and she was comforting. Holding me whispering in my ear she loves me. We ordered out for dinner. We went to bed and talked very little as we were both exhausted from being up all night before.

Hey everyone. Sorry yesterday was a very weird day. Wednesday night I had told her I had enough. I texted the OM and told him to no longer contact my wife. I told her I did it and showed her the text. She got mad and left the room. I waited a few minutes to rally my strength I went out after her. She said once again my feelings don't matter as long as you're happy. I told her it's not just about you. It's about our children and how they'll be affected both emotionally and socially(they have tons of friends in the neighborhood and at school). It's about me, it's about her, it's about our friends, & our extended families. His seem to jostle her some. She got less defensive and more talkative. We talked for 3 hours. She said she was willing to work on us. We held each other and fell asleep(it was 4:00 in the morning at this point). Yesterday morning it got the response from the OM telling me he loves my wife but will not contact her. If it doesn't go well with therapy and she decides she wants to leave he will be there waiting. Again this was an emotional affair that started online but got physical once but she had to take money and travel to St Louis to meet him. He mentioned that my wife and him had discussed moving in together with my kids. HELL NO! He was rude in his response while I was cordial(in case it could be used against me later). Last night after work we talked. I cried and she was comforting. Holding me whispering in my ear she loves me. We ordered out for dinner. We went to bed and talked very little as we were both exhausted from being up all night before.

I cried and she was comforting. Holding me whispering in my ear she loves me

You really should not do that. I may be unfair but it doesn't support the male role in a marriage. You need a hard, tough and strong image for your wife to see, even though you may be crying inside. Right now she needs you to take control and dictate terms of reconciliation. Emotional weakness doesn't fit in with what's required.

This affair is not over. Your wife was discussing leaving you, taking the kids with her, just a little while ago. You are not out of the woods yet. You can bet the OM hasn't given up and you need to be on your guard. You have brushed aside the PA, just as long as she doesn't leave you.

She is clearly the dominant partner in your relationship. You should think about changing this - SOON.

You held each other and talked. That doesn't change the fact that she's still emotionally involved in the affair and that OM is going to contact her as much as possible.

What steps has she taken? Has she sent an NC letter yet? He's going to contact her every chance he gets.

What steps have you take other than talking. What about setting boundaries and consequences?

This affair is not over yet. And until it is you are both going to continue to struggle. Do not sweep any of this under the rug and it sounds like you are...just a bit.

Please read these:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/no_contact.asp

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/boundaries.asp

yop

Other than talking and telling her I was pissed she allowed the emotions to materialize and going to MC I haven't done much other than worry, cry, now sleep and not eat. I was able to sleep all night last night I believe just because we got along and talked. We agreed this was a marathon and not a sprint but I constantly worry that she will still leave at the end no matter what we do. I worry for my kids, for my sanity, for her safety. My kids are 11. We have been married 17 years. We dated for a year before that. We were aquaintances for 4 years before we started dating. That's 22 years. How do I just walk away from the memories, the love, he friends, the families. How cannot it not higher me. How can I not show it? My kids are he most important thing in my life. It ripped me apart to see they were making plans to be together with them. I told her all of this. The OM DID say that my wife told him she thought it brag that they not contact each other anymore. She has told me who she has been talking to lately but she has not given me the password to her phone. I do have access to her Google+ account and the group thy met on. I have read and re-read the 180. I have read and re-read the healing

Library. It says to act in- interested or pull back bug my fear is that she will take that as a sign that I am still emotionally checked out which is why she went on the site to begin with and started talking to him. Would this be counter productive?

She has told me who she has been talking to lately but she has not given me the password to her phone.

Do not believe a single word she says to you, not one.

The affair is continuing, she shows no remorse and she apparently has no intention of stopping the affair.

She most likely is living the fantasy world of the affair and the fantasy needs to crumble if the affair is going to stop.

When she got mad at you when you told her you contacted the OM and said its all about your feelings, that shows she doesnt care at all about ending the affair.

It says that her feelings about the OM only matter.

At this time, I do believe you need to start planning for the future. Your future and your kids future.

As long as she refuses to give you the passwords to everything she has, the affair will continue.

You need to talk to a lawyer today and find out where you stand and where you will stand.

If it were me, I would start finding out every single bit of information on this OM as well. Credit checks and criminal background checks! Marriage and divorce records as well.

What do you mean you fear for you wife's safety?

easy, push her away? that's the thing, she already left. she made that choice. right now, you are her back up plan. is that acceptable to you?

until she makes you and the marriage a priority, yes, the 180 is applicable. my guess is that she has taken the affair underground. why else would she have a reason not to give you the password to her phone?

blunt words coming. she has proven herself to be a liar and a cheater. do you have absolutely no reason to trust anything she says right now. one small step in that process is total transparency. without that, the rest doesn't mean shit.

stay strong brother.

[This message edited by 5454real at 9:17 AM, May 2nd (Friday)]

She has told me who she has been talking to lately but she has not given me the password to her phone.

She is saying a lot and doing little. Don't let the noise of her words cloud what you need to see. Remember you can not allow yourself to believe anything that comes out of her mouth.

You are willing to let her do anything she wants over fear of losing her. But what you don't realize is you already have. You are currently sharing your wife, and being a second choice. Pretty crappy. How do you fix that? You demand the respect you deserve, until you do that, she will happily sit upon her fence, eating her cake.

Be the hurricane force wind to knock her off.

Oh and go see an attorney. If she is thinking of fleeing with the kids, you absolutely have to put your kids first and foremost, and find out what your rights are, and if she can legally do this, and what would happen if she did.

I cannot afford an attorney. I fear for her safety because I know nothing about the OM a and he lives in another state. I cannot believe she is so willing to throw away our family and not care how it will affect our kids.

I cannot afford an attorney

Sorry but can you afford your wife taking your kids away from you? Go get a consult, you don't have to pay a retainer, and many D attorney's will give a free consult.

You absolutely need to do this. This isn't a hope it goes away thing. As much as it hurts you have to face the reality of the situation.

Google attorney's, start making calls. Take some action. You deserve more, but you are the only one who can do something about it.

Hi EasyE. I live in MA. An attorney of course is preferable, however, there's no reason you can't start to do some internet research on out state laws regarding divorce and child custody on your own:

http://www.lawlib.state.ma.us/subject/about/divorce.html