SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi tushnurse,

Laying low today. Not sure where my head's at. Had a huge bust-up with my dear Dad at work today. My parents have a LOAD on their plates right now, plus the worry of my situation (even if I am 38 ) and the stress of running a family business together. Not a good day at all.

More to say but not much energy tonight. I will get back to the rest of you who have advised me in the last 24 hours. Thanks.

I don't know what's got into me but I'm writing this with tears rolling down my cheeks. This is the first time I've cried since about week 2. I can barely see my iPad in front of me.

I woke up at about 5am feeling like this.

My WW is downstairs getting ready for work. My DS is still asleep next door. Don't worry, I won't let either of them see me like this.

I just want to scream and let it all out

[This message edited by saveus at 12:14 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]

((Saveus))

Just letting you know you've been heard.

Saveus, then do it brother.

Do what I did and drive out to a secluded spot and scream at the sky. It is incredibly cathartic.

Hope you are feeling stronger mate.

It’s inevitable that your overwrought state is going to spill over into other areas of your life. This is taking up 99% of your thought time. Do your parents know what is going on? If not, don’t you think they should know? The more people who know what your WW is up to, the more light you shine on her tawdry behaviour, the more grubby and sordid her affair will be and the less likely you are to continue in this self perpetuating cycle of pain. Affairs thrive in secrecy. Outing the affair will help to knock her off the fence. If she DARES to complain, then tell her this (amended and adapted from another article, sorry, I can’t give credit b/c I didn’t copy down the contributor!):

Tell her this:

If she had any self respect, she would not enter a relationship with someone when she was already in a committed relationship.

If she had any self respect, she wouldn't do things she had to lie about.

If she had any self respect, she wouldn't fool herself into thinking that a man who had to sneak around to see her really cared about her.

If she had any self respect, she wouldn't convince herself that what she has with OM is a “relationship”.

If she had any self respect, she wouldn't see someone she wasn't willing to openly date in public.

If she had any self respect, she wouldn't have sex with someone who can't sleep with her in her own bed.

If she had any self respect, she wouldn't behave in a way that would make her parents ashamed.

If she had any self respect, she would end an unhappy relationship before beginning another one.

If she had any self respect, she wouldn't treat others in a way she wouldn't want to be treated.

If she had any self respect, she would know that anything that costs her respect just isn't worth it.

If she had any self respect, she would know that someone who helps to destroy her respect does not love her.

As for your own emotional state, please know this is normal. When you are done, have a cold wash, look at yourself in the mirror and know this is not your fault. The fault is in your WW. Only she can fix it. Exercise was a HUGE help for me. I ran the gym treadmill all 80miles to MOW’s house many, many times! I walked the dogs for miles and hours (we had two labs at the time). When I cried (four boys in the house) I cried in the shower. I beat the hell out of pillows. I screamed in the car (crazy woman on the motorway). I destroyed a whole load of stuff that represented ruined memories.

Once you have a clear path, things will get better. The ONLY way for you right now is to proceed with divorce. Don’t rush, just do things as they arrive and wait for the next step. Be thorough in your ground work as this will stand you in good stead if the divorce does go through. You have to do this. Otherwise she, OM and the whole affair will completely destroy you. Resight your focus away from her and on YOU and your son.

Hugs. UKg x

Actually, don't bother telling her. Just read it and know it's true.

hugs x

Getting through the emotions of this is not a one and done thing. Find a place where you can let the poison out, long shower, a drive someplace alone. Let it out. You will feel better.

You are going to have the ups and downs, some days and times feeling like you can handle any and all of it. Others, like you can't handle any of it.

Stay strong for yourself and your son. That means staying stoic in front of her, and him when needed, and then letting out the sadness alone.

Personally I found when I didn't sleep which was most of the time in the beginning I had a much harder time controlling the emotions. Make sure you are eating and getting sleep, if you are struggling with those things call your Dr. There is no shame in getting some pharmaceutical support to get through this.

(((and strength)))

Your wife's constant hassle was bound to take its toll on you. Your indecision was also bound to take its toll on you.

Your wife is making this very difficult for you, she does absolutely nothing to help.

Not to mention, you are not only dealing with your on and off again current affair, you now know of another and you are wondering how many more.

I think either your wife goes into therapy to get this straightened out or you will have to file for a divorce.

Saveus, the bottom line here is your wife has problems and she needs to get them fixed with IC. Otherwise this will continue year after year.

You now know way too much for things to ever go back to normal unless your wife does everything possible to fix the situation.

You have learned about her in these past months, and you already know she needs help.

If nothing else, at least just ignore her from now on. Every time you interact with her in any way, it just makes you feel worse. And you don't need to feel any worse.

Start living for you and how you want your life to be in the future starting now.

Saveus

I saw where you are following SWAT"s thread. He had a wife who was desparately trying to R with him but has made the tough choices.

I hope you really do learn from him so that you can get some relief from this nightmare you are living before it makes you sick.

Thanks CantSeeInTheDark, Hurthalo, UKgirl, tushnurse, craig2001 and Badhurt for your support after my topsy-turvy day yesterday.

By the evening - at our son's Tuesday sports club - I was feeling completely the opposite. Good about being me, confident, sociable, enjoying other people's company (and my own)... The OM didn't show and for once I actually enjoyed being there with and for my son. My WW didn't much like seeing me getting on (more a feeling than much she said), least of all when she asked who I was texting and I replied, 'someone from the forum' (yes, I'm probably too honest but that's just me, isn't it?). That I've been getting support isn't news to her and generally goes down like a lead balloon (you're all bitter & twisted, did you know that?!?). She even had the nerve to make a dig about MY not having a right to privacy/secrets - I pointed out that I'd agree about secrets but that she still doesn't get the difference. My iPhone isn't PIN protected as I have nothing to hide. I reminded her of that.

In one ear and out the other...

@UKgirl: Yes, my parents know everything. I called my Mum several Wednesdays ago when I was CONVINCED I was going to get home ten minutes after my WW to find her gone. I felt panicked (the last time I've felt like that) and knew I would need someone. This was the same day my WW decided it was appropriate to go see the OM (behind my back) whilst I was at my first IC session, followed by a trip to the STI clinic . (My WW STILL hasn't got herself checked out, by the way, ironic seeing as she works in the hospital). I enjoyed those 'If she had more respect...' lines but, don't worry, I'll keep them up here and won't waste my breath reciting them to her.

@craig2001: You are 100% right. My WW is still doing NOTHING. And I mean NOTHING. Except feel sorry for herself and spout the same crap I've heard time and time again (and then only when pushed to comment). I am trying my best to ignore her - every evening this week I've spent a good hour or more in the bath and barely engaged with her AT ALL. (Except the other night she wanted to talk about Star Wars - - and some programme on the TV - she was quite chatty on these life-changing, earth shattering matters).

so ... 30 pages in ... your wife hasnt changed or made an effort to change, nothing has really changed in your situation ....

what do you intend to do about it?

@william: It's looking pretty obvious now, and that's why I'm seeing someone in the morning.

i cant say that im happy for the outcome (is there a good outcome from infidelity??) but i am glad that you are finding some form of resolution. its been a nasty sh1t sandwich you were handed ...

i'll bet you a pint of good English Ale that if you file for D you will see her start to do something.

Saveus

Don't be surprised if she gets really nasty when she realizes you have had enough. She is so selfish that she is going to blame you for everything which is why she thinks she is entitled to live like a single woman.

Like Mike said, you WILL get some reaction but I don't think it will be lovey dovey

I would prepare for the vitreol and bile to start once you've filed.

Don't worry, it's not your fault. It's a natural consequence to her actions. She has felt entitled for too long and you are putting an end to it. Of course she will be cross. You only have to seen my thread to see what they are capable of. I wish for your sake that she goes quietly.

Hi. Saveus. Thought I'd pop in and check on you. You sound like you are starting to get a little bit of a voice for yourself. As the others keep saying... Use it! Put an end to her painful nonsense.

yop

Saveus, oh Lordy don't I know about the 'SI Guilt Trip'. My wife told me a few months back that she was 'sick and tired of me using this website as an emotional crutch' and said it was nothing but a colossal 'circlejerk'. Well when you've had your legs kicked out from under you, sometimes a crutch is required.

I also got the post-affair reverse paranoia from my fWW, she checked my Facebook thinking I was setting up an affair of my own! I had nothing to hide. It seems to be a textbook response, and I'd love to know why it seems so prevalent.

Anyway, I take some pleasure in noting that as you have started asserting yourself somewhat, she appears to be scrambling to vindicate her actions. She knows full well she is on the verge of losing you, stand by for more amusing antics as you place the foot further down. I know it sucks mate, but most of us have been there.

If she comes out of this fog, she may look back on her behaviour with some kind of incredulous embarrassment in the years to come.

On that topic, you have started kicking the fence, now you have to kick her off it. Her failure to go NC with OM (visiting him while you were in IC and getting an STI test...wtf?), and her constant denial that she needs to change herself would be my last straw. Obviously you are different to us mate, and I wouldn't presume to insinuate anything, but this has been going on for long enough. You don't deserve to be carrying this anguish and fear everyday of 2014. Pass that onto her, and become the happy (or happier) person you can for your son.

And if it all goes to custard, confidently know that a lot of absolutely beautiful and sincere women will go absolutely crazy over a man in his 30s-early 40s with ethics, integrity, and love for his son like you.

least of all when she asked who I was texting and I replied, 'someone from the forum'

Stop answering your wife!

Let her wonder and if you do need to reply, answer her the same way she answers your questions. I dont know or I dont remember.

No, this is not tit for tat, but let her wonder for a change.

If your wife tries to talk, give her very very very short answers. Or reply to her that you will talk once she is will to actually talk like an adult.

Is she still talking to or seeing the OM?

Is he still texting or calling her?

@mike7 / Badhurt / allatsea: Thanks for the heads-up. I'm concerned about this, as someone who (it won't surprise you to learn) tries to keep things amicable wherever possible (but long since accepted you can't be everybody's friend).

@yearsofpain25: Thanks for popping in.

@Hurthalo: I do think one day she may look back and not believe the way she's treated me (I mean SINCE D-Day) but I also suspect she's just the kind of person to fool herself yet again, shrug it off and kind of say, 'oh well that's just the way it was meant to be'. It's frightening. I'm going to keep kicking that fence though she might not be forced off it for a few more days. I should know more this time tomorrow. I appreciate the vote of confidence in me. As I know you know, I can't feel excited at the prospect right now, only sadness at the prospect of losing my family and trepidation at the thought of starting again. I confess that my son's feelings in all this are centre-stage (please no-one remind me that kids get through this stuff all the time - I'd be grateful not to hear that again).

@craig2001: Absolutely. I know!!!!!! If it's any consolation, I've barely spoken to her this week. We haven't argued, there hasn't been that bad an atmosphere (my WW has an uncanny ability to switch on Neighbours or Knots Landing and switch off her brain). I don't happen to believe my WW and the OM have seen each other (unless today - not impossible at all). I haven't seen any evidence my WW has contacted him at all (but my snooping has been limited). I don't THINK he's text her in possibly up to a week. Then again, it could have all gone so far underground that it's about to pop up in Hurthalo's back yard