SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Saveus, you ok mate? What's going on?

I know that you are probably not able to sign in, but when you do, know that I have been checking here to see how you are doing periodically. In fact you are the only reason I signed on this morning. Worried about you. Let us know how you are doing when you get the chance.

Sending you strength and courage brother.

yop

Saveus, if you get a chance, let us know how you are doing. And I hope that things are going fine and you're doing fine.

I apologise everyone if you've been worrying about me. I haven't been here since the weekend (and still haven't read the latest posts) but aware I've been hiding away for fear of further criticism. I know it's all 100% well intentioned. I'm just not ready for it yet. I don't need to feel bad about myself. As a rule in life I don't. But this situation (since the first D-Day I mean) has knocked me sideways and made me question and doubt myself time & time again. It's like my own rule book in my head has been ripped to shreds and I'm standing in a new wilderness, not knowing where I am or how to get back. I know you all have shown me the way and I've refused to see it. But I can't do anything I'm not ready for, criticism or no criticism. So, yeah, a couple of times I've needed some time away from here.

I will be back. Please just know I am OK and bear with me.

[This message edited by saveus at 9:49 PM, June 11th (Wednesday)]

I'm glad you checked in, saveus.

You don't owe anyone here a thing, saveus. We're here to support you where ever you may be. If you aren't ready, then you're not ready. It doesn't mean we'll criticize or judge you.

This is your life, hon. Everyone here wants what's best for you, and they speak from their own hard won perspectives and with sincere concern for you and your son.

Take what you need. Leave the rest. We're here.

((((saveus))))

Very relieved to hear that you are ok saveus. Many of us are very worried about you. No judgement here. We are here for you whenever you are ready. Even if you just want to vent or use as your own "personal twitter account" as SWAT noted a ways back.

yop

Please don't take my advice as criticism brother. My primary goal is to hopefully spare you some of the pain.

Glad to see you back.

Strength

I know, everyone, I know. I know it isn't criticism. I know one day I'll be posting on here trying to get through to someone two months in from D-Day too. And you know I'm grateful.

I'm fine. My son is fine. I took legal advice on Saturday (difficult to find but I managed to) so I'm not entirely flying blind. I also spoke at length with the police.

Still no energy for one of my essays but one more thing - someone (sorry, forgot who) mentioned the OM contacting my WW after my son's club made it clear they knew about the A. I don't think I said that (as it's not true, to the best of my knowledge anyway). In fact, the irony is I was starting to believe my WW had not contacted the OM since she finished with him 2/3 weeks ago. I have seen evidence she did finish with him that night. I am inclined to believe the A is over - not that that means my problems are over, clearly.

I will post an update about what happened last weekend, just as soon as I'm prepared to get back embroiled in this thread. Right now I'm taking the bits I want, ignoring much of the rest and just getting through. I'll be lurking so your messages will get through.

Thank you all for your concern.

I am inclined to believe the A is over - not that that means my problems are over, clearly.

Hi Saveus, glad to see you're doing alright.

Your sentence says it all right there.

Thanks for checking in and for the update. You sound as if you have been through several rounds in the boxing ring. Don’t think of any postings as criticism. Most of us have been in that same dark place too.

saveus, we know only too well how it is. We know what it is like to grasp out in the hope we will be saved. To find that you think you have something to hold on to, only to find that it gives way and you are swept back into the raging waters time and again. We know too that the tidal waters will subside, you will find solid ground and people will emerge to help you get to a place of sanctuary. Things will get better and you will find strength once you have determined your path. You will learn the art of detachment and be surprised that you can do it to the point of indifference. And you will build a new life too - with or without Mrs saveus.

You have to stop looking to your WW for the answers. The answers are within YOU. You cannot rely upon her for anything. Allow her words and actions to run off and know you cannot control her – but you can control your response and attitude towards her and the whole tragic situation. It's been as bad as it could be, don't let it happen again. Please.

I’m glad you’ve seen a solicitor. Keep a clear mind and try to compartmentalise that aspect. Deal with the legal stuff as and when you have to, then file it back into the box and get on with the rest of your life. Your WW has to sort her own shit. You offered her your hand of help and she savaged you. I would suggest just leaving her to it for now and just look after your own interests. Re read stuff in the Healing Library and the useful threads in JFO. Stick with the 180, the platitudes and don’t let her pull you back in. Keep several steps away and observe from a distance.

Have a peaceful weekend. We’ll be thinking of you.

hugs - UKg xx

[This message edited by UKgirl at 12:08 PM, June 13th (Friday)]

As ever, thanks everyone. UKgirl, I don't feel like I am looking to my WW for all the answers but I kind of know you're right. If not for all the answers, then too many. We had a tetchy, bickering day yesterday - all from me, all 'my fault', mind you. If I didn't say a word my WW would gladly keep her head buried in that sand and talk about anything but. So yes, I've got to keep trying to learn that lesson you've just given me.

I woke up earlier than usual (I've actually been sleeping well, despite the warm weather here this week) and have been reading some other threads (SWAT70 and IUHoosier, to name but two). I felt the need to come downstairs and update my own.

I think you already know my WW denied all charges at the police station last weekend. The charges on the table were ABH (Actual Bodily Harm - not sure if this is the same in the States) and criminal damage (my iPhone). She was left for hours in an extremely small cell, with no windows and a camera watching her every move. As a normally law abiding citizen, I think she was shocked by how she was treated - just not shocked enough to come to an epiphany and truly see the light. When the police called and told me she'd denied everything, my initial reaction was disappointment. I felt that - yet again - my WW was not facing up to what she'd done. Yes, somewhat hypocritically as I was not pressing charges. But she didn't know that. The police made it clear they had not told her I wasn't. So her logic was to protect herself (for a change) and worry about her job etc.

I was speaking to the police for nearly half an hour - from the toy aisle of Sainsbury's (supermarket, US-friends) where I'd taken my DS to treat him to something. (Ironically, after what happened the night before, he wanted another lightsaber - ironic as his first one was fine, despite my WW's best efforts).

They explained that even if I HAD pressed charges, with my WW denying everything (despite police photos etc), it would have been my word against hers and it would probably have ended in NFA (No Further Action). Whilst we were talking the DI (Detective Inspector - I'm sure she said it had gone to him for the final decision) came back with that - NFA.

Prior to the police calling me, I'd called them to enquire after legal advice on a Saturday and they pointed to a local solicitor who I spoke to twice that morning. I won't go into it all right here as I'm slightly paranoid my WW could have discovered this 'safe place' of mine (no reason to think so but anyway...) but suffice to say we discussed my having my WW back home, my DS, ramifications for D etc etc. She was very reassuring.

So, my WW was released around midday. Eventually I got the following text:-

They've just released me! How the f*** did it come to this?

She was shell-shocked, shattered (having had no sleep - I'd managed two-and-a-half hours, two hours of which were before my WW came home) and staggering down the street in the general direction of the hospital when I found her. Yes, I went looking for her. The nurse at the station overnight had been horrible apparently, saying there was nothing wrong with her hand. The morning one however said she should get it checked out.

So, anyway, I dropped her at A&E and took my DS to the park where he had a whale of a time for an hour or two.

Cutting a long story short(er), she did break a bone in her hand. One of the long ones that leads to your finger. Quite a clean break too. Possibly sprained her wrist too.

The thing is, I have beaten myself up about far less than this over the years, after I have lost my rag. It doesn't happen often but, when it does, I do or say something stupid and then really regret it later. This time I have felt empathy for my WW (she's usually brilliant with pain but this one has really been hurting her) but I haven't felt guilty once. Not once. I still don't really know how it happened, except my WW had me pinned over our dining room table (backwards) - I was doing my utmost not to rise to the bait, so I was being more submissive than normal, maybe. (I think I did amazingly well not to fight back under the extreme provocation, and for once I'm proud of myself for how I behaved in a situation like that). I tried to extricate myself with minimal force and somehow managed to sneak out past her to my right (and her left). As I did so, we both heard what we now know was a 'crack' in her left hand.

She - when feeling under pressure/attack from me this week - has of course implied something more intentional on my part, so I AM watching my back here. But she knows that is not true.

The shock from spending a night in the cells didn't last long. The self-pity was pretty evident immediately after. We've bizarrely had an 'up' week - I guess simply as we couldn't fall any lower. But as the week has gone on I've been finding my strength returning - in the form of sheer indignation that NOTHING HAS CHANGED and that my WW still does not want to deal with any of this. My thoughts have returned to D, which I was the closest to filing I ever have been barely ten days ago.

Anyway, tomorrow is Father's Day and I have told my WW I am taking my DS out for lunch with my dear old Dad. Obviously, she is not coming. I say obviously but it is HER choice. But not surprising really - she is no way going to face my parents any time soon. I want to see my Dad, in part to make up for our big bust-up at work the other week (which I still feel bad about), and because our relationship revolves ever more around WORK (family businesses are not the greatest of ideas) and spend time with my fantastic, wonderful, beautiful, funny little boy. The weather is set to be gorgeous, we live by the sea so I intend on spending my Father's Day the way I want to.

(On a side note, my WW doesn't want to see her own dad. You can draw your own conclusions about that. I sent him a card - just from me - as my in-laws have been amazing and I wanted him to know I appreciate him. He's a man of few words and not prone to showing his emotions. I hope it means something to him - I'm sure it will).

Happy Father's Day to all the other dads out there too, by the way

You're word against hers? Didn't you have marks that showed she attacked you? And the broken hand?

I hope you carry a VAR on you at all times. You aren't safe with her. She will be the one accusing you of hitting her next...and she'll press charges.

Hi Saveus...

So, my WW was released around midday. Eventually I got the following text:-

They've just released me! How the f*** did it come to this?

1. Multiple affairs.

2. Refuses to be honest and truthful about any of them.

3. Continues to threaten to call OM constantly.

4. Refuses to admit she has been wrong throughout.

5. Stays out all night long with some gay friend.

6. Doesnt come home until sunrise.

7. Doesn't even have the decency to answer the phone when out all night.

BTW, is this gay drinking friend male or female from that night.

Also, just stop talking to her. There is nothing to say to her. If she ever grows up and acts like an adult, then you might be able to talk to her.

Happy Fathers Day Saveus.

I think your FD plan is perfect. You, your boy, your Dad and acknowledging your FIL sounds like a wonderful day.

HM

If my biology serves me right, a metacarpal bone. Good. I hope it gives her grief over the coming years and acts as a reminder of what an unnecessarily spiteful and cruel person she is and has been.

They've just released me! How the f*** did it come to this?

Shoulda told her to look in the mirror and ask herself the same question. Cos it sure as fuck isn’t anything to do with you. Sheesh. The process of self delusion at its best.

Keep on putting one foot in front of the other. The more steps you take, the further you will go, the easier the journey will become, the stronger you will be. Don’t dwell on the “what might have beens” and don’t look back - keep your eyes fixed on the future. It’s in front of you. Walk towards it.

Anyway, have a lovely Fathers Day – appreciate the older man, the young boy and yourself.

Saveus

UK Girl gives you good advice. With each step that you can walk away it will get easier. Quite honestly, your crazy wife makes it easier with every stupid thing she does. She leaves no room to be confused if you just look at Craigs list a few posts back.

You might learn from the two other posts you are following of SWAT and IUHOOSIER. SWATS wife did a lot worse to him, but SWAT acted strong, did not put up with it, and left her. The result is a WW who is tearing herself apart trying to get him to forgive her. IUHOOSIER gets a response when he threatens to move forward with D, but in over a month now has not been able to get her to commit to anything and we he still really does not know if he has any of the real truth and is still in turmoil going to MC with a wife who does not appear to want to really be married to him.

That is the lesson of those that have told you you must be willing to lose her to have any chance to get her back.

Hang in there.

Morning all...

@confused615: Yes I did have marks on my back and the police took photos. The broken hand is hers though, not mine. I'm well aware of the danger I'm running with the chance of false allegations. All I can do is make sure my own behaviour is whiter then white. If she were to make something up and press charges, I know I'd get carted off to a cell but I like to think the police would require some actual evidence.

@craig2001: Re your list.

1. Can't deny it.

2. Well, there's been honesty of sorts - answering questions though very re-actively i.e. only when she's felt I already knew something.

3. Well, actually she hasn't threatened this - only last Friday night when we were both under an enormous amount of pressure (and that's not meant as an excuse for her).

4. Can't argue with that though she'll say she knows, she's just not 'acting in the way you [I] expect'.

5. Not all night - she has stayed out in the past (with girlfriends) but I've always known she was not coming home. Last Friday I always expected her back in - I was just concerned when I woke at 2am and there was no sign of her.

6. In the past, yes, but see point 5 above.

7. Can't deny it. I was surprised when she did eventually answer - that tells you something.

Her gay friend is male. She knows him from work. I've met him a few times. My only complaint about him last weekend is that a friend would allow her to start a 5 mile walk home in the pitch black, through the country and over a train line... Then again, I only have her word that she was with him that whole evening. I actually think she was, in which case I can only presume she wasn't entirely truthful with him about how she was getting home.

I get it about not talking to her. But it's very, very hard. I've always struggled with this.

@happyman64: Thanks. Today can't be perfect but I can make it as close to perfect as possible.

@UKgirl: I know!!!!! She is the queen of self delusion. And she still doesn't see it. I will take on board the image of taking one step further away at a time. It may not look like it but I am trying to keep moving.

@Badhurt: I am keeping up with SWAT70 and IUHoosier's threads. I can see the differences, not that I think one has necessarily got it right and the other wrong. It's nowhere near as simple as that. But of course it's not lost on me that only SWAT70 is having anything like any 'results' - the thought of MY WW being emotionally mature enough to post on SI is a faraway DREAM for me... I can never see it happening. I'm envious, regardless of where SWAT70 ends up in his journey.

---

WW and I had a bickering kind of day yesterday (for a change). Again, all from me - if I was content to bury my head, then believe me we could keep up a good pretence of being a 'happy family'.

I took my DS to his Saturday sports club (let's not start that debate again) and had to put up with being in the same city (let alone room) as the OM. His kids are innocent victims of course, telling me they want to spend time with my DS. But, believe me, that makes me sad but it cannot dictate my - or my son's - future.

It was fairly uneventful. But it probably affected my mood for the rest of the day.

I took DS for a light lunch then he did some scootering about. Bought him an ice cream. Just normal stuff. Eventually my WW texted 'enquiring' when we were coming home. We didn't rush back but got home mid-afternoon.

By then the hot sunny weather had turned into a summer downpour so we were stuck in the house for a couple of hours. Eventually we were going to take our DS to the pub for his dinner (they have a great play area for the kids) but things had got so irritable between WW and I (or rather, I had become so irritated with her - all out of earshot of our DS, I might add), I ended up dropping her and DS there (remember, she can't drive) and came home for some quality time with myself. In the end it felt like about ten minutes but I did some things for myself, including feeding myself and watching a bit of the World Cup (that's soccer, US friends ). Before I even got home, my WW texted me this:-

We need to talk! This absolutely can't carry on into next week for anyone's sake, we are all miserable!

I mean, I don't really have to point out the irony in this statement, do I??

A bit later, when she texted for a lift home and I said, 'seriously??' (as I'd only sat down for five minutes), she said our DS had been naughty and he wasn't listening to her. I asked if it had occurred to her that just maybe all this might have something to do with it. She replied:-

Of course! Yr not completely blameless u know!

So, there you go. What I'm dealing with in a nutshell.

Last night we'd been invited round to a family member's house for an anniversary/England v Italy match combined get together. Of course I went on my own - my WW (usually the life & soul) was never going to come - and stayed out 'til 1am (the match started at 11pm our time). Of course, I had made my WW well aware roughly what time I'd be back - and - WEIRD SHOCK ALERT!!!!!! - I can't say I felt particularly 'controlled'! How bizarre!!!!! I had a pretty good evening though it's a struggle right now to really be myself and chat normally with people, especially family who would be so concerned about me/us and yet who don't know a thing. I suspect I know what you're going to say about that.

Anyway, this morning I did some snooping. On the plus side I found 'nothing' except one reference from a work friend to my WW about her going to the OM's (I'm sure this was the day she got out of police custody) and offering her help to get things out of the house. That sounds maybe worse than it was (I don't have it in front of me) but that was the gist of it. Now, unless somehow that wasn't from that particular date but much, much earlier, OR my WW was in fantasy land again, telling half-truths to a friend (though note not one of her closest) for sympathy or something, it is obviously concerning.

There was nothing else though, of course, whilst I don't believe the A is ongoing, everything around it could have gone very deep underground.

Yet this morning - maybe as it's Father's Day - I feel the temptation to be nice to my WW, to try to have a family day, to see what she really meant by 'We need to talk! This absolutely can't carry on into next week'. This has been MY mantra for weeks . I know forcing her to confront things, making her feel under attack, gets me absolutely nowhere fast.

And my first priority today is to enjoy my Father's Day, with my son and Dad.

P.S. I did also get this by text yesterday:-

Yes I'm to blame for the affair but it's how we BOTH deal with it!

It goes without saying that, from my perspective, it's her complete REFUSAL to 'deal with it' that is the very problem.

You should have responded:

"Yes the affair is on you. Now put in writing how you feel we should be dealing with it for my review. Once you do that and I review it can we then discuss it".

Hold her accountable Saveus.

Make her write it down. especially when you how "discussions" have gone in the past with her.

Have a great Fathers Day today and do not rush home....

HM

saveus,

P.S. I did also get this by text yesterday:-

Yes I'm to blame for the affair but it's how we BOTH deal with it!

It goes without saying that, from my perspective, it's her complete REFUSAL to 'deal with it' that is the very problem.

My man you have answered your own question. I am sorry your here. All of us are sorry and we want to help. I'm sorry if I'm chiming in late. She is REFUSING to do anything you ask and she isn't showing anything remotely close to remorse. I at least got something in the beginning. The lies and TT are what did the most damage to me. But at least my WW showed she cared at one point.

Your WW is abusing you. Both mentally and physically. As a LEO I see it frequently. It's domestic violence whether your a man or a woman. But men don't always see it that way, we don't want to be seen as weak. We don't want to be seen as victims.

My advice is file for divorce. Document everything for court and custody hearings. Take care of yourself and your son.

Now please don't take this as criticism or anything since I haven't read through your entire thread. But if I was sitting next to you sharing a pint I would probably say something like this.

" Man, I know you love her. She is beautiful, funny, smart and loves your kid. But here is the thing, right now she is different. Don't know why or what caused it. She isn't the same person right now. She refuses to see it and doesn't care right now. She attacked you, what if your son got hurt. Do you want him growing up thinking this is ok. Because my man it isn't."

Again sorry for being late and I want to wish you the best of luck. This sucks and I feel your pain. Happy Father's Day to you.