SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks william.

Why couldn't she be honest???? Why couldn't she show the tiniest amount of remorse???? Why wasn't our family enough for her???? Why would she wilfully wreck everything????????

I don't know if I want to cry or scream.

How many of us here felt or have felt this way? I'm guessing every single one. I still do.

Please remember that filing for D may not snap her out of this. You must file for D because the situation cannot be tolerated for you or your son. You should assume that nothing you do will entice her back to you. It's all on her.

Best of luck

[This message edited by allatsea at 3:51 AM, June 19th (Thursday)]

Hi allatsea,

That's precisely what I've struggled with and the main cause of any prevarication as it looks from the outside.

But this cannot go on. I don't know how many times I've told her it's the lies, the continued deception, the way she's treated me SINCE I discovered she'd been unfaithful. She has never got it, I know that.

I feel like I am the one breaking up our family. And I so don't want to. But I know none of this is my fault.

You are NOT breaking up your family. She did that long ago.

She did it when she first beyrayed you 10 years ago only neither of you realised it then. Her disrespect for you started long ago and because you forgave her she thought even less of you and so she did it again.

Your are not ending your marriage. She's done that. You are ending the abuse.

Saveus,

You are not breaking up your family. You are saving, protecting, and preserving the precious family that you have left...the family she has not managed to corrupt, yet. It's your wonderful son and his future (and your future) that you are protecting. Place the guilt where it belongs, with her.

BYE-Bypolar

Why can I still not believe my WW would keep lying to me???

Why couldn't she be honest???? Why couldn't she show the tiniest amount of remorse???? Why wasn't our family enough for her???? Why would she wilfully wreck everything????????

Worthy and agonizing questions, all. We have asked ourselves the same ones, over and over. The metaphor I envision is us kneeling at the grave of our marriage, pounding our chests as we torment ourselves with these questions.

To me, the answers used to be very complicated, and I HAD to know them all. These days I believe (or maybe believing this helps me heal) that the answers are really very simple: they don't care, Saveus. They don't care. Some day in the future, the answers won't matter. For now, you must act as though they do not matter. You are in survival mode. You and your son--WHO HAS BEEN ILL ALL NIGHT WHILE YOUR "WIFE" COMMUNICATED WITH A MAN OUTSIDE YOUR SACRED FAMILY. Read that again and internalize it.

Saveus, as my beloved mother (who loved my XW and whom my XW purported to love) lay dying in the hospital--literally minutes away from death--and I was dying with grief, my XW was, I now realize, texting the AP in the hallway.

Is this whom you deserve? I didn't think so. Now gather your righteous indignation and extricate yourself from this poison.

Figure out the answers to your questions later. If it still serves a purpose for you.

I'm sure your little guy will be just fine. I'm sorry he is suffering. I've been there many times with mine. You're a good protective dad. Now do what is right before it gets even worse.

why did she move back home? She said she made a horrible mistake.

Do you know what I think? I think her and the OM determined that it was more wise that she didn't abandon her family and house. I don't know the law in England, but I imagine that if you voluntarily abandon your family and home you are less likely to be able to stake a claim to the house and custody for your child.

I don't think she came back because she realized it was a mistake to move in with her lover. I think she realized it was a mistake to move in with her lover before a divorce was filed.

but maybe I'm just suspicious.

Your are not ending your marriage. She's done that. You are ending the abuse.

This. What allatsea said.

I don't know whether to be extremely sad for you Saveus, or to be happy. Happy in that this final betrayal has jolted you into acting from a position of strength, and stopping her from remaining in control of this train wreck.

But I also know exactly what that feeling of sheer sadness is. The moment I resolved to file for D was absolutely heartbreaking for me. It was the moment I realised that my marriage, through no fault of my own, had reached a point where I had to let it go to try and save it. There was a chance my W (and your W) could simply take it for what it is and follow along with it. Certainly, my W admitted before we were married that she has never had a relationship where she hasn't cheated on someone....and I would guess it's the same for your W. My W is now working through these issues, and 7 months after the fact, she admitted to me that the threat of losing her family has made her grow up and realise that her old 'I'm just going to compartmentalise my cheating because if my other half doesn't know, no one gets hurt' self just doesn't cut it anymore. And having a beautiful toddler, I can tell you I know all too well the feelings that are running through your head of abandoning/disadvantaging your child. But know this; you didn't ask to be put in this situation, and being a parent doesn't grant anyone carte blanche permission to cheat and expect the other partner to stick around and put up with it. And IF you and your W don't R, one day you son is going to reach an age where he's going to ask what went wrong. And you're going to have a beer with him and tell him. What your wife doesn't seem to understand in her haste to live a fool's hope with this degenerate AP is that your son may very well end up hating her for it.

Saveus, I am so so sorry for your situation brother. It will be interesting to see where the cards lay after you file for D. Either way, despite the inevitable hurt that will follow in the short-term, you WILL be the long term winner. In more ways than one.

Strength mate. Hope your son is feeling better.

P.S. What did the Emails say? How did you find she had sent 5? The hide of her!

[This message edited by Hurthalo at 8:51 AM, June 19th (Thursday)]

I don't know if I want to cry or scream.

Do not do either. You are way past that part. It is now time to act!

You need to take control and you need to be in control. Taking action is the only way you are ever going to be in control again. And being in control again is the only way you are ever going to feel better.

Saveus, if you read any of my posts on this board, you will find that I rarely if ever advocate divorce, I am almost always for R.

But in your case right now, I am begging you to file for a divorce. Beg, borrow the money, sell your wedding ring or something else. But file today!

Why do I say that. What the hell is your wife emailing the OM. Is she going to file today against you.

Do something now before it is too late.

She has absolutely no business emailing this OM and you know that.

Do you know what was in those emails. If not try and find out.

What did she text the OM. I know about him texting her, but I didn't think she was replying back.

What do you think all of this stress is doing to your son.

It is time for the drama to end and the drama queen to go or grow up and act like a mature adult. But for her to text and email the OM, shows you that nothing is getting through to her.

A divorce might or might not. But you have got to file before she does. Since you do not know what they are up to, you should assume the worst.

And it if is not the worst, too bad for her, she wants to live secretly from you, that will be her problem. Don't make it your problem any longer.

BTW, you didn't do anything to destroy the marriage or family. Your wife did it all, as did the OM. You had nothing at all to do with this, and you know it.

[This message edited by craig2001 at 9:11 AM, June 19th (Thursday)]

Thanks everyone. No time to reply individually right now but suffice to say I've read and taken in all your comments.

I haven't yet filed but I have chosen my solicitor from the three I previously spoke to, and called them. The lady I met with was unavailable so I've emailed someone else a couple of questions.

I already had a meeting with the Citizens Advice Bureau's Divorce Lawyer for a week today. There is a chance I could have used their services for a more 'DIY' approach, saving at least £400 in the process.

But I feel the urgency to act now, not to fall back into bad old habits over the next seven days.

Which brings me onto the main reason for this post. Bear in mind my WW only seems to act in any way 'positively' when I grasp some of the power back, and she senses it. Then again, what I'm about to post could well be a stalling tactic - this is SO against her 'core beliefs', if you like, that I am sceptical.

I received this text from my WW whilst at work, a couple of hours ago:-

I know it won't mean much to you but I've been looking in to some private counselling services.

I've just fallen in this black hole I'm struggling to dig myself out of.

I haven't yet replied as, a bit like the night she showed three minutes of remorse (on the phone), begging to be allowed to come home, frankly I don't know what to say.

I know it won't mean much to you but I've been looking in to some private counselling services.

I will think about it as long as its confidential and Gp doesn't need to get involved!

What is Gp?

I would not believe her words at all.

I will deal with the other stuff soon.

What other stuff. If she means the OM, she has had a ton of time to do that and never has.

Did you find out what they were emailing to each other last night?

Do not believe her words. If she is stalling for time to file, you are in danger of really being left behind with nothing.

All of a sudden, she emails the OM all night and comes up with this.

BS!

She will deal with the other stuff soon? Yea right.

ETA: More guilt crap laid upon you by her. The part about we owe it to our son. More BS from her. Where was she last night...texting the OM.

[This message edited by craig2001 at 10:19 AM, June 19th (Thursday)]

Hi craig2001

I never said it was five emails in a vacuum, like a sudden flurry which might indicate some plotting going on. I just didn't have time to look further. And no, all I can see is the number and dates/times of the emails, not their content.

I'm NOT believing a word my WW says right now, as she barefaced lied to me this very morning ('I haven't been in touch with him for weeks').

GP = General Practitioner (i.e. doctor).

saveus, it seems like you are so desperate that you are grasping at straws. It's sad to watch. she JUST lied to you about no contact with OM. You JUST saw 5 emails. You're AFRAID to confront her. I know that this is horrible. But you've got to pull yourself together. The lies ALONE should cause you to throw her out.

I'm sorry to say I see this as a stalling tactic for her. She's offering couples therapy to keep things as they are - Contacting him and no immediate consequences. If she can't be honest even now, why would you think she'd be honest in MC?

Hi mike7 & BeingNaive

Mike, a bit harsh but I can take it

I am not desperate nor clutching at straws. I can't help what my WW just text me and wanted to see what you guys would make of it. I said I didn't know how to respond. I meant bearing in mind the most recent lies. But I couldn't throw her out if I wanted to - not legally, anyway (and that's under advice).

I'm playing this my way - I'm CHOOSING not to confront her for two good reasons (not throwing away my 'sources' AND I want to serve up this latest evidence at the same time as the D papers). Confronting her gets me nowhere as I'm sure you've noticed. Don't you think it's going to be hard for a few days NOT calling her out on her lies?? It was this morning.

BeingNaive, I think you're right, I see this as a stalling tactic too.

You could have just have called her out right then and there when she told you she hasn't contacted him in weeks.

Let her know her stinking game is up. And you are not her whipping boy anymore.

And do not agree to MC. MC is just another avenue for her to blame you and lay guilt trips on you, she needs IC.

After the divorce papers have been served.

I will think about it as long as its confidential and Gp doesn't need to get involved!

Why can't the doctor know. And what is this confidential stuff all about.

She will think about it. More with the stalling.

@craig2001: I took her text to mean IC, not MC. I deliberately invited the lie from my WW this morning then bit my tongue not to contradict her. You don't get how I'm snooping - suffice to say letting her know would make her go underground, as she has with the texts.

Saveus, this is now elementary. Words vs. actions.

Action demonstrated by your wife:

She contacted the the OM 5 times, while your son was sick, thus breaking NC, and it was for her own selfish needs

Words demonstrated by your wife:

I received this text from my WW whilst at work, a couple of hours ago:-

I know it won't mean much to you but I've been looking in to some private counselling services.

I will think about it as long as its confidential and Gp doesn't need to get involved!

I believe work also can offer this service and I will find out tomorrow!

Baby steps.. It's a MASSIVE deal to me and I'm not prepared to do that without support.

I will deal with the other stuff soon.

We owe it to ourselves and our son, to keep our family together I do know that.

I've just fallen in this black hole I'm struggling to dig myself out of.

These two are in absolute conflict with R as the goal. Quit reading the tea leaves and the animal bones.

File.

As for DIY versus full legal representation, consider that you have not reached amicable agreement with your WW on property or custody have you? Buddy, she physically attacked you. I wouldn't expect cooperation from her. She contacted OM and lied to your face. I would expect of your situation what Abbondad and Allatsea dealt with in their own struggles.

Confronting her gets me nowhere as I'm sure you've noticed.

And now you are out of options to get her out of her fog before serving her D papers.

Frankly, I wouldn't care what the hell was said in that communication with the OM. That act alone says it enough.

First of all, glad your son is OK. Sometimes the little ones run really high fevers, but it goes away without much danger. Some kids are prone to that. But it's always good to have a doctor take a look.

There are three ways an affair can go, logically.

1. A true exit affair. Upon discovery, the wayward usually leaves the household and initiates divorce.

2. A (for lack of a better word) traditional affair. Upon discovery, the wayward does not want divorce and reconciliation may be possible.

3. An affair that fits neither category. The wayward is unhappy, but doesn't know if divorce is desirable. However, there's no interest in reconciliation.

The third case is the toughest, because you're always thrown into limbo. You are the one who has to decide when enough is enough and divorce must be initiated.

Limbo is painful. You're living with a spouse who has a strong interest in sex and an emotional connection with someone else. Discovery does little to affect this, other than push those feelings underground. That, in turn, further erodes trust.

Eventually, limbo destroys a marriage because your trust can no longer be recovered. Then you file.

There's no hurry to file, but as you know, limbo can be repeatedly agonizing. It's no way to live.

I think you're reaching a point where you know that you'll never be able to trust her again. Anyone willing to put a spouse through that kind of pain never understood marriage in the first place.

I'll just repeat a couple of points:

1. No matter what happens. Even if she wakes up tomorrow and is consistently saying she wants to avoid the black hole and get counseling and move toward reconciliation... your marriage is forever changed. Trust will never fully return. You may be able to reconcile, but even if you do, your marriage will be very different from what it was. That may work, that may not. And the odds she genuinely wants to go that route seem very, very long. She's nowhere near that right now - even with the occasional text to try and keep you under control.

2. She's violent and she's still in contact with an OM who seems to have some sort of idea that they can take your son away from you. They may well have a plan here. For the life of me, I don't understand why you won't get a VAR and keep it with you.

saveus

Your wife is still playing you. Lying to you.

She is using the "IC" as a stall tactic.

Until you server her and mean it; she will keep playing the games. She is a coward.

Treat her like one.

Focus on you and your boy. Leave your wife in the dark.

She wants you to divorce her.

HM