SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So here I am two years from D day and I am wondering if it wasn't a deal breaker after all.

The last 6 months have been good but something triggered me a month a go and it just won't go away.

I came to realize that I had to assume my wife could walk away tomorrow and I had to be ok with that. That is how I lived for the last two years. On a long enough timeline if you live like this you just become indifferent whether they stay or not.

I never got the tearful apology or really anything else. I honestly don't think she has told me the whole truth about what happened. Because of that I don't really even know who I am married to. The OM wife said that my fWW was the aggressor and was essentially a crazy person when he tried to break it off. I asked my wife if it was true. She played the victim and said "I take all the blame to make it easy on everyone".

In the end I just "let it go" in the interest of peace in my house for my son.

This stuff doesn't just "go away".

My wife has been great for the past two years. She has done nothing wrong and has made every effort to be a good wife and mother. I just don't know if I want to keep doing this. I still think about it pretty much all day and have for two years. It has controlled my life this whole time.

There is just no way possible that a WS has any idea what this does to a faithful spouse.

I am just about done...

damaged - I just want to reply that your thoughts are some that many of us here struggle with. If you are done, you're done. If it was a dealbreaker, then it is. I think it was wise of you to attempt recovery before deciding you might want to call it quits.

I still think about it pretty much all day and have for two years. It has controlled my life this whole time.

you are being very honest with yourself and I applaud this. Have you guys been to MC or you to IC to talk about this?

I think you need to be RADICALLY honest with your W. she needs you to communicate these feelings to her. And for her part, if she has not given you all of the truth and truly apologized, then you will never be able to move forward.

I have had to forgive some really big things in my life with both my parents and my husband. I have found that when I know they are truly remorseful and that they "carry the cross" so to speak....I don't need to carry it any more. I can let go and move forward. But I have to know they carry the burden and that they understand what they did. REMORSE.

In the end I just "let it go" in the interest of peace in my house for my son.

^^This is not healthy for you, your W or your son. You CAN have a good relationship again....I feel Communication, totally honest communication, is what is needed here for you to move beyond these feelings.

I just what you to know that you are not alone. I haven't got that heartfelt apology either. She has apologized but it is always in an argument and its always I'm sorry I'm such a screw up and messed up your life.

Oh damaged, the pain and exhaustion is so obvious in your post. I think you found a very healthy place in realizing that you would be ok regardless of what your wife's choices were, but it seems like that same healthy place was lost when it came to really processing the A. From a distance, it doesn't appear that you ever got full disclosure, accountability, or remorse. Sounds like a lot of rugsweeping occurred in the name of harmony and moving forward. Unfortunately I believe that true healing can't happen in that environment. It makes perfect sense to me why, after 2 years of that, you feel just about done. I guess the question is, do you want to pursue R, and if so, are you prepared to blow this whole thing wide open again? I would imagine your wife will vote unequivocally "no" to opening it all up again. But her answer really doesn't matter as it's you who needs and deserves more. There is no doubt that it may be harder since it's 2 years down the road and the bar for healing has been set fairly low, but I think it can definitely be done. If she is proving to be the wife you hoped for, but you can't get past her A, then it seems to me to be well worth the effort and pain of running at this mess head-on. I think it's true that none of us can go around this crap; we have to go through it to leave it behind.

I never got the tearful apology or really anything else. I honestly don't think she has told me the whole truth about what happened. Because of that I don't really even know who I am married to.

^^^^^ Rugsweep/Not owning her Shit. ^^^^^^

You will never move past a trauma if there are answers left unanswered or you feel you haven't got true remorse. It like living sleeping with the enemy. She acts like all's good, changes her behavior. But "don't look back there", and the issues are never delt with. Dealing with the issues and owning it are the only ways trust can be rebuilt. So your sleeping next to someone you don't know or trust, waiting for it to happen again.

My wife has been great for the past two years. She has done nothing wrong and has made every effort to be a good wife and mother.

Yep, but don't look back there..... to that nuke I dropped on our marriage. Fact is, just because she isn't currently destroying your marriage doesn't repair the damage she already did. "HARD WORK", Owning it and doing the work to open the curtains on the affair, shine the light and search every corner of it, that is how trust is rebuilt.

Right now your exhausted, because your sleeping with an enemy you don't know.

You're not alone. It's taken over my life for the last 2yrs. The last 5 months FWW has been in true remorse, but for some reason, I think it has come a bit too late. I love her, I want to be married and I want to be happy with her again. She desires the same, but it's just not the same. Despite the fact that now we are there for each other like never before. I fear being with out her. I fear seeing her happy with someone else and dying again like I did on DDAy. That keeps me here. Otherwise, I'd be out. I hate this state of limbo. I wish it would be over. I'm mentally exhausted and my heart has reached its limit.

Very Gently because I sense the pain and exhaustion in your post.

What you have been doing for two years is NOT R.

This is limbo and rugsweeping. Your wife has not had to own her shit, and understand the pain she has caused.

When a WS gets it, and some truly do R looks very different.

You have two choices here from where I am sitting...

1. Tell your Wife that you need more, and that you feel she has never really owned what she did to you and your M. Until she does you can no longer pretend to have a relationship. You deserve more, and you should get it.

2. Continue in this soul sucking limbo land, becoming more and more unhappy, and disconnected, and giving your son some fucked up version of what M should be, and how spouses should treat each other.

I see a lot of folks staying, "for the sake of the children" and it kills me. They don't understand, or cant see the damage that is causing for their kids. They don't see that it's better to have at least one parent who is emotionally healthy and complete.

You can't force your wife to do anything she doesn't want to do. You can't make her get it, but you can make life a lot more unpleasant for her should she choose not to.

YOU CAN demand the love and respect you deserve. YOU CAN decline to tolerate this less than M.

YOU CAN survive and be happy and complete all by yourself.

YOU CAN be a better dad, and person by not living in this current state of weakened anguish that you spend your life in.

This shit isn't easy no matter what path you take. It takes a long time to fully recover from the pain it causes. Learning how to be happy and fulfilled with who you are alone is a big step in getting to happy again. You can do it with or without your spouse, but if your spouse never owns what they do, then they are likely to repeat it again, and they will never show you the respect and love you deserve.

Life is short, and time spent unhappy at this level is wasted, unless you use it to become stronger, and happier. It's damn near impossible to do it with someone who plays the perpetual victim even though it was their choices that led to the place you are.

STAND UP and DEMAND the love and respect you deserve.

(((and strength)))

The OM wife said that my fWW was the aggressor and was essentially a crazy person when he tried to break it off. I asked my wife if it was true. She played the victim and said "I take all the blame to make it easy on everyone".

My Wayward husband initially tried to protect the OW. To that end, he said when asked who initiated, that they both did.

Later, a detective resurrected deleted emails, and I saw in black and white that she was the aggressor very aggressive. She was calling him a fuddy duddy and that people who had affairs were trendy and cool.

She was chastising him for claiming he only wanted a friendship and she asked why couldn't a friendship include sex.

She also teased him in one email about having to be the first to show she wanted sex, by putting her hand down his pants and massaging his privates.

When I saw these emails, the fact that he tried to protect her by claiming they both initiated really hurt me.

Later when I showed her husband the emails, he told me she had completely blamed my husband for the affair.

She said, she was trying to avoid sex, but he kept bringing it up. She completely threw my husband under the bus, while he was still trying to protect her.

Edited to add: My counselor said that the two year mark can be difficult. Apparently, it is often a time when the faithful spouse files for divorce.

[This message edited by seethelight at 9:57 AM, May 29th (Thursday)]

I love it when tushnurse shows up in threads...

[This message edited by rachelc at 10:10 AM, May 29th (Thursday)]

My counselor said that the two year mark can be difficult. Apparently, it is often a time when the faithful spouse files for divorce.

This freaks me out. I'm halfway there and at this point its all about me.

Thanks for all the responses. In addition to all I've said before my situation is kind of odd. I work some distance away from home and have an apt. In the city. I only spend the night at "home" 4 nights a week.

That means I only see my son on weekends. The kicker is I am PERFECTLY happy being by myself. I'm an engineer, we are funny that way... I have come to terms with being fine by myself. I'm ok with that.

My wife doesn't want to move closer to my job. She likes her part time job and her gym and doesn't want to change her life.

For me, if we part ways, ill still see.my son as much as I do now. So in that respect its a wash.

As far as my wife, there is no one else that remotely interests me. The sad part of this is that my wife is literally everything I am attracted to. If I were to design my perfect woman it would be her and now due to her fuck up I can't even enjoy that

Know what her excuse was for the whole thing? I was lonely. That sounds a great deal to me like "you weren't making me feel good so I found someone that would.

I told her the other day what was bothering me. I told her I didn't want to discuss it but I wanted her to be aware of where I "was". I am currently out of town but will discuss it this weekend when I get back.

She has rug swept in hopes I would drop it but I can't stay married to someone I think might walk tomorrow. I'd rather rip off the bandaid now.

ETA.. there is more. My wife only works by choice. She doesn't have to work because of the living I make and I work my Ass of f. I'm getting tired of doing all of this and only really living my life three days a week. I'm tired of jumping through all the hoops while her lifestyle costs her nothing and I am the guy driving 500 miles a week so she doesn't have to disrupt her life. It really becomes a business decision because I can't count on emotion playing a factor. She erased any goodwill that went along with 19 years of marriage when she drove halfway across the country to screw one of her old highschool crushes.

Is she worth the enjoyment that I am working for. I am starting to question if that is the case.

[This message edited by damaged71 at 11:04 AM, May 29th (Thursday)]

Approaching 2 year mark here too. Never got the full on apology from my wife either...and have from time to time not had the courage to put my needs out there. So I get some of your posts as I have lived parts of it.

Early on I REALLY wanted to believe the OM was the aggessor, the predator if you will. Emails I read show it was a very equal engagement....my wife was equally aggressive. The A ended when he dumped her. Within a short time he had another OW....my wife still grieved what she "lost" with him. Early on, she blamed ME for this "loss".

Here is something I want you to focus on....I had to too.

In the end I just "let it go" in the interest of peace in my house for my son.

Pushing $10k on therapy thus far....but here is a little gem I have taken from that work and expense.

You are actually doing your son a disservice by choosing this path.

More is caught then taught. You and your wifes interactions are an example for your son. Our FOO were examples to my wife and I. We, in many ways, repeated same destructive cycles as our parents.

In therapy their is a visualization technique where you put your son in your position. Imagine him at your age, in a marriage like you are in, choosing as you are choosing. If it takes your breath away (like it does mine sometimes) you are NOT displaying a healthy relationship for your son to "catch" something you want him to by watching you.

The loving thing to do (love as a choice) is to choose differently.

It is painful. It is hard. But don't equate painful and hard to unhealthy.

Easy and comfortable stand a much higher chance of being unhealthy then painful and hard. Sin is easy and comfortable. Adultery is a sin.

Yeah, I have heard the 2 year D occuring within the faithful spouse thing before. I wonder what the back-story is behind that stat?

Is it 2 years after both spouses engage in healthy R (which requires real changes) or is it 2 years of rug sweeping, white knuckling, and then total exhaustion?

My bet is it is the later. I suspect D being chosen around year 2 by a BS are those like I was......the codependent type that take waayyy too much on themselves leaving little for and expecting little of their counterdependent spouse.

Did your wife seek therapy? A wayward can compartmentalize at a high level. Many times they have spent a lifetime expressing a persona of "total control". It is very easy for them to stay in that rut. Add to this the common trait of conflict avoider....and it DOES take a tremendous amount of effort on the wayward side to R a M. Factor in the fact that they have proven to much prefer the easy comfortable way through life by choosing adultery....and R is a real challenge for a fWS to accept.

I liken it to giving a Ferrari to a 12 year old boy. He gets it is a cool gift....not everyone gets it...but he is ill-equipped to really appreciate it because he doesn't know how to drive in the first place....add 500 hp and a 6 speed manual and he might get it out of the drive, but he is not able to fully appreciate the gift it is.

Check your own ruts.

Ruts are nothing more than graves with the ends kicked out of them. See what YOU need to do to get out of your own ruts. It is scary at first...but it is liberating and empowering.

If you do more than look at that Ferrari...actually getting in it, firing it up, taking it around the block, knowing you will kill it sometimes, but finding the courage to fire it back up and practicing again......you will hit the autobahn sometime in your life!

If you can do this.....you can take your son for a ride.

He can watch you go through the gears, handle the corners, and "catch" how to drive his own Ferrari someday.

If you and your spouse just look at that Ferrari in the drive and pay the insurance on it.....there will be a day when you both think "Why don't we just sell that car...its just costing us money and we don't use it?".

I'm just not sure you were really in R.

Sisoon termed the coin....."Learning to R".

This is a process.

I will say a specific prayer for you and your wife now.

I am tired too. I still have nightmares. I still have fear. I do understand your pain.

God is with us all.

Hey brother, 2 months ahead of you.

I'm going to be direct here and if I offend, please, that is NOT my intent. I want you to realize that YOU

have more control of this situation than you realize.

During *R*, what focus has been on just you? What healing have you done? Did you ever implement the 180? You do realize there is more to you than just the you in the marriage right?

I came to realize that I had to assume my wife could walk away tomorrow and I had to be ok with that. That is how I lived for the last two years. On a long enough timeline if you live like this you just become indifferent whether they stay or not.

You're an engineer, turn this equation around. Why not operate on the assumption that you will be ok if YOU walk away? The operating assumption that someone can't just walk away because they are married is somewhat flawed, is it not? We see it here everyday. Why not become the best you that you can be solely for the reason of bettering your life?

The kicker is I am PERFECTLY happy being by myself. I'm an engineer, we are funny that way... I have come to terms with being fine by myself. I'm ok with that.

Ok, live that way. Practice the 180. Set your boundaries and requirements for R. If she doesn't meet them.... So far, she's not even close.

Is she worth the enjoyment that I am working for.

I'm going to pull a quote from Tred that I think is quite appropriate for your situation.

When you realize you are CHOOSING the level of pain you are dealing with, things start to get better. I won't say great, just better. Care more about yourself than your wife, it might help your marriage unless she isn't worth it to begin with.

Strength brother. Quit choosing the pain.

Your W can't find a PT job and gym where you work? Have you computed the cost of the 500 mile weekly trip just in car expenses?

Like everyone else, I think you're demanding too little of your W.

Demand more, and maybe she'll step up - that could be a big win for you, her, and your kids.

damaged:

I am with Sisoon on this one.

If you two don't need her salary, and it's just a part time job..., well then, can't she get another Part time job closer to where you work, and a gym, too.

This will be such a small sacrifice for her, given the way she has nuked your marriage with her affair.

If you are thinking of leaving only because of those issues, why not make those two issues conditions for ongoing reconciliation.

Unless of course, you already decided to file, and those two issues were just the straw.

Either way, I understand.

[This message edited by seethelight at 1:56 PM, May 29th (Thursday)]

Gently..

So the facts are wife had affair.

Wife never said sorry or showed contrition.

Wife has gotten on with her life while you're left standing.

Wife refuses to accommodate you moving jobs, even though you are still supporting her?

It seems you are and have been doing an awful lot of heavy lifting and you're beginning to question whether it's fair or not.

I think you might know what the answer to your question is but you might be afraid to pursue it. If you push for D, she'll probably accept it, won't she? Does the thought scare you?

Have you been in MC?

I think you hit the nail on the head. I have been doing the heavy lifting and I don't think its fair.

She does her job for something to do. We don't need the money. She.likes where she works and says it fulfills her. Wow... I just realized what I just wrote.

She has compartmentalized what happened to the point where I wonder if she believes it really happened. She is very reluctant to talk about it and to be honest I just didn't want to stir up anything. I thought it was all "gone" for me too. That's clearly not the case.

She absolutely does not want a divorce and said the other day that she was scared I was leaning that way. She was

sensing how I felt.

Also there are other things. Early on she wouldn't send a NC letter. It was

only when OM threw her under the bus did she think it was over. Before she got thrown under the bus she eluded to the A going on hold until our son was out of school. I sometimes wonder if that goes through her head still. We aren't in any kind of counseling. We stopped MC when I found out she was still in contact early on.

I have surpressed everything because I thought it was better for everyone. Turns out its not wise to do that.

Everytime we talk about it she keeps saying "it just happened" and all the same stuff you have all heard.

I'm at the point where I am too tired to care about her feelings. I almost want to start sleeping in another room at home.

This sucks.

Also there are other things. Early on she wouldn't send a NC letter. It was

Damaged:

Here's the thing. There are many waywards on this board who really seem to be trying to do the difficult work of reconciling.

But then there are some, like yours and mine, who just don't seem to be doing what is needed.

My own husband did not send an NC letter. He kept refusing.

He also is making a lot of mistakes, still, after two years, in addition to all the absolutely inane things he said to me about the affair and his AP, after DDay

He is still minimizing, blameshifting, rugsweeping and refuses IC.

Yet, he says he does not want a divorce.

I am at my wits end, too. I feel like he had an affair and I am the one jumping through hoops to make things work.

I am going to start demanding these things. If he refuses. I am determined to file.

My wife doesn't want to move closer to my job. She likes her part time job and her gym and doesn't want to change her life.

This. She does not want to change her life. I think she has given you your answer. She does not want to change her life. She drags you through the hell of infidelity and that is her best? Really look at this. A part time job and her gym. Not you or your marriage.