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Her definition of an "Affair" re the physical side is that it's any sex that occurs on more than one occasion. Therefore not a ONS. Also she doesn't approve of married people looking for a ONS, such as looking on-line or deliberately going out to pull. Her view is that these + Affairs show underlying marriage problems that the couple should be trying to resolve, whereas an "Opportunistic" ONS is quite often just a bit of fun.

Just a bit curious, are you saying that as long as it it not planned out you both agree that ONS are acceptable?

Point taken Craig2001 about the golf. However the lads stag do to Ibiza was very much about sex for a lot of the lads, and sadly not just the single ones.

DrJykell

Your comment

Just a bit curious, are you saying that as long as it it not planned out you both agree that ONS are acceptable

No, that's her view not mine. My view is that is not acceptable, hence my concern

Hmmm...I wonder...

Down deep, how would she really feel if you had an impromptu ONS?

How would she feel if, unprepared, you had unprotected sex for fun?

How would she feel if your ONS - for fun - led to a child?

How does she feel about the possibility that your ONS - or hers - might lead to something stronger (as it did with you and her)?

How does she feel about violating her vows (if she vowed monogamy) and agreement (she forsook all others for you, after all)?

How would she feel if you violated your agreements with her against her will now?

Here's the thing: intellectually, infidelity doesn't seem like a big deal. When you experience it, though, then it's a bigger deal than either of you can ever imagine.

Don't get me wrong - it's eminently possible for your W to go and stay faithful even while her friends are effing their brains out. My W & I have used brothels as our hotel a number of times, and we had no problem using them simply as hotels.

Look, your M is your business and your W's. I'm for what works well for you.

But you have concerns that you're dancing around. IMO, you'll be a LOT better off if you address them directly. I suggest at least considering asking your W for a commitment to stay monogamous, unless you're OK at a deep gut level with her opening up your M or unless you're wiling to deal with her cheating.

I suggest at least considering asking your W for a commitment to stay monogamous, unless you're OK at a deep gut level with her opening up your M or unless you're wiling to deal with her cheating

I wholeheartedly agree with this. You two might be on completely separate pages. You need a real open and honest discussion. Not having to do with this little trip, but your relationship in general. Make sure you are both on the same page. Because you may deep down feel that it is unacceptable, but she may feel that a random ONS is acceptable. (Being that is what she said) Be cautious and open when you discuss it. try not to be defensive or assaultive. Be open and honest and ask for her to do the same.

One person's "just a bit of fun" is another person's tsunami of destruction

IMHO

Good points Sisoon

Certainly part of our discussion will be about her attitude to me having a ONS. BTW - No chance of me getting anyone pregnant, had a vasectomy after our 3rd child was born. My attitude is that I do NOT want her to have a ONS, but I don't think it would lead to anything more.

BTW - Are all you people from the US? I'm from England

Down deep, how would she really feel if you had an impromptu ONS?

That is a good question to ask your wife. In all honesty, how would she feel?

Another good question is this, would she tell you if she had an out of the blue ONS? Or are secrets part of the fun sex also.

I am from the western US. There are quite a few people on here from the UK.

[This message edited by craig2001 at 8:08 AM, June 6th (Friday)]

Hi Craig

Re your 2nd question about would she tell me, then I think she would, as she has always said she values honesty, if not monogamy, in relationships. Re one of her friends who had a ONS, she encouraged her to tell her husband as she felt it would come out one day, and make matters worse. She did, her hubby was mad, but they are still together, and I think part of the reason is that the woman was up front and honest about it

Lots of UKers. If you mosey over to the Betrayed Men's thread on the ICR forum, you'll find a number of men who place a very high value on some of the UK's tastier products ... well, UK at least until the Scots vote....

I personally am devoted to audio equipment from Salisbury.

Where is this resort located? I know a woman who went to Jamaica in her mid 20" along with her sister and a couple of other 20 some's. She ended up with a local. Came back to the states and she was into guys who were similar. She was single and could do as she pleased. Father blew a gasket after the second guy. She eventually stopped after the third guy and is now married. This trip made her want the forbidden fruit. I for one do not believe that your wife will not have an affair if the other three women all have guys over for the night. I wish I had a suggestion for you other than to make sure you get STD tests done when she gets back before having sex with her again. Good luck my friend.

Your wife values honesty in a marriage so presumably when she returns, if she has cheated she will confess - if you ask her.

Simply tell her before she leaves that you have been faithful all of your marriage and if she wishes your loyalty to continue, then she will likewise remain faithful on this holiday. If she does have sex then all bets are off for the future. Her cheating will be seen as advocating for an open marriage and will change your attitude towards your relationship and maybe your 'devotion' towards her.

You need to say something before she goes, or infidelity seems likely to take place. You have received something most of us never did. Prior warning.

Hi OKMan

Good advice and pretty much the way I intend to handle it.

To be honest, if she strays think she might tell me anyway, without me needing to ask.

Going to try and discuss this w/e, but never easy finding the right time with our kids about

Sorry, meant Hi Ok now!

The issue isn't whether you can stop her from cheating. If she wants to go, she'll go. If she wants to cheat, she'll cheat. We can't control our spouse's fidelity, only ours.

She's shown you her boundaries are loose. You're not even entirely sure she has stayed monogamous throughout the M. What you are sure of is that she doesn't have the same attitude about monogamy and cheating that you do. There's the problem.

If she's ok with risking your heart and your health that's telling you something about her. If she sees how this is making you feel and isn't setting boundaries to keep your heart and M safe, that's the issue.

Why can't she organize a trip with other M woman. That she could actually hang out with. If she's going to be sitting alone reading, what's the point of going with the "girls"? Why not go with women who aren't planning a sex trip? Or better yet, go with you?

The problem is she's choosing her bad boundaries and to risk her M and family for a trip.

Hi Norwichman,

I'm from the England *waves* there's a few of us around.

I think you need to talk with your wife. I understand going on holiday separately with friends is commonplace in your M but her attitude to ONS and A's worries me.

If she is so convinced that she will not be going out with the other girls, doesn't want to be their taxi, off doing her own thing, why is she going at all?

If she wants a nice holiday with nice dinners and relaxed evenings, why not go with you?

Talk to her about how you feel. She shouldn't want to do anything that causes you to feel unsafe in your marriage.

if you're worried tell her you don't want her to have a ONS. If it's a dealbreaker for you, tell her.

you don't have to put up with this. And she doesn't have to put up with you going on a wild stag's night. But... you say you didn't cheat.

tell her you don't want her to cheat. period. see what she says?

you told her you would be engaged providing she eliminated all the other men, she did. So... communicate. explain your dealbreakers.

If she wants to cheat, she'll cheat. We can't control our spouse's fidelity, only ours.

I see what you mean Holly, but we can influence whether she goes ahead with her carnal desires by promising consequences.

If my FWS gets the urge to have another affair he will desist; because the marriage will end and thats an intolerable consequence. Well, at least I hope it is. Norwichman is attempting to do the same. His wife may still greatly lust after those Adonis bodies, but will regretfully turn away because she cannot accept the inevitable damage to her marriage.

Norwichman, the one problem you are going to have this weekend, when you discuss this matter with your wife, is the virtually inevitable emotional response from her; "Don't you trust me!!"

Deflect this by starting your conversation with, "You know I trust you implicitly [yea, right!], but I need to point out that I have been faithful to you our entire marriage. I would like this to continue and I take great comfort from the knowledge that you too will remain faithful to me on this vacation, even though your friends will be attempting to bonk every male in sight"

The above statement should eliminate her self-righteous anger and allow you to get your message across; be true to me or else.

One things for sure, if you do not discuss this matter, she will regard your OK to take this vacation as tacit permission to cheat.

Just to answer some of your questions

The resort is Ibiza, but not where I went on the stag do. Take the point about why is she going if she wants to be on her own. Think it’s just a chance for a break from family life, and get guaranteed decent weather, unlike in the UK. In her words “just chill out” by the pool. But we are having our first break together away from the kids in 8 years, Majorca in September

Spot on about the other girls wanting to bonk every man in sight, they seem to fancy about 50% of the male population even when sober! Or so I’ve been told. My wife is not backward in coming forward when she spots a fit guy either in real life or on telly, but seems way more selective than her friends about what constitutes a fit guy. I think the fact that I don't act jealous when she makes these comments, or when she flirts with other guys, might implicitly suggest to her that I'm comfortable with her views on sex.

I do still aim to talk to her, and feel one of her defences will be humour. She’s not that serious a person and makes jokes about most things, especially sex, even to the extent of offending the more straight laced of our friends. So I can expect a lot of “it’s only sex, not love!” type responses

[This message edited by norwichman at 10:32 AM, June 6th (Friday)]

Your wife's flippant attitude towards infidelity [its only sex] is not really appropriate. Let me list the things that can and do frequently go wrong.

1] She can pick up an STD. Maybe one of the incurables.

2] She can get pregnant

3] She can pick up some other disease such as flu or a bad cold or something even worse.

4] If the emotional mood with the OM is very good [as well as the sex] she can develop serious feelings for him

5] Again if the sex is outstanding it could leave her dissatisfied with marital sex by comparison. Maybe she'll start giving you lessons on what she picked up from the OM.

6] If your wife's infidelity becomes common knowledge [loose-lipped friends], you get humiliated.

7] Where does this stop? Won't one episode of casual sex lead to more? Why not?

Stamp this out while you can. No humor; this is serious and could undermine your marriage. Your wife is most likely considering some ONS's when in Ibiza, thats why she is claiming that its not serious, just a harmless bodily function that doesn't affect her feelings. Don't buy that crap; she's setting you up to be a cuckold. Her friends will be actively seeking sex and she'll be drawn into their amorous plans.