SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If a man goes to a strip club and has a lap dance done is this considered Infidelity? I asked my husband last night with the worst thing he had ever done was and he said his affair. I said okay how about the second worst and he said that he Went to a strip club by himself and had a lap dance done in 2012. I asked him if that was the only time and he said no that he probably went about two times per year. I never had any idea other than maybe one bachelor party that he attended. Thoughts?

I think this falls on the continuum of porn- some people are okay with it, some aren't. You get to decide and set boundaries. Certainly do this for the future so that you both know what goes and what doesn't.

I would have been (in the past) okay with a strip club so long as I knew it was happening, not any more (this will be a fun item to negotiate when his brother has a bachelor party). I'm not okay with a lap dance at said club, because that crosses line for me- it becomes more personal. Him going without telling me was never acceptable (though I'd file that under 'betreyal' not 'cheating').

A half naked girl sitting on my husband's lap grinding his crotch is cheating...in MY marriage. I don't care if it's at a place of "business" or the back seat of a car.

YMMV

I was ok with strip clubs and porn because the people are doing a job, they are not there because they're interested in you...they are not pursuing you or trying to win your attention over. Porn however didn't validate and ego boost WH, because it was photos on the net for all to see. He wanted photos that were meant for him, that were sent to just him and then it progressed from there. I would not have felt that any strip club times or porn use prior to Dday were additional cheating, because he knew I was ok with both. After Dday times have changed and he has to work really hard on not objectifying women or starting back into old habits that could lead to additional issues or future As and so if he went and did something like this NOW (and alone is key, bachelor parties or with friends totally different) I would have a problem with it.

Yeah - for me - lap dances crosses the line without a doubt.

The strip club itself - I used to say it was on the "porn" continuum - but really it never was. (for me)

I'm not sure I'd qualify it as cheating (for me personally) but it will be a no-go item for me in future relationships. I was never comfortable with it - but I didn't have the lady balls to just say that -- mostly because I was pretty sure he would do it anyway - and THEN what would I do. (and I couldn’t bear the idea of the "rejection" of my feeling on the subject)

So, I'm guessing it's individual -- but if you don't like it -- put your foot down. You feeling safe is more important than seeing a stripper. Period.

It totally depends on how you view strip clubs, some people are ok with it and some aren't. We have gone together to strip clubs prior to the A's and it wasn't an issue for me, now I would probably not do it.

Strip clubs are not OK for me. That kind of attention (and MONEY!) my husband shares with a woman should be shared only with me - not some one else.

It feels like betrayal, both mental and monetarily.

They are thinking about sex with those women who are dancing all over them. Its why they go. To me its cheating.

Lap dancer, especially going there alone? Probably. It was for no purpose other than gratification.

But, he mere act of going to a strip club after a golf outing or as part of a bachelor party Without the lap dance probably isn't. I'm going to dodge the 2x4 headed my way, but it's really not unlike when you ladies get roped into going to some home sales party for overpriced junk you really don't want. You go because you have to. Strip clubs get old when a guy is over 30 and has lived with someone who has her own pair for him to see every day.

it's really not unlike when you ladies get roped into going to some home sales party for overpriced junk you really don't want. You go because you have to.

There is a word called, "No."

No one has to go to a strip club - especially when they've already put their marriage in jeopardy by their actions.

For me, yes, cheating. Nothing good comes from going to a strip club, business or not. It cheapens everything good about our bodies and sex, just as infidelity does.

One thing I have determined after the A, all boundaries related to sexuality and infidelity must stay centered. Once they slip a little, they continue to slip whether slowly and imperceptibly, or at high speed. Any sexual contact outside of marriage is a boundary on the move.

Since my husband knows how I feel about strip clubs and porn it would have been a betrayal/cheating in my book. Ive told him multiple times that you don't have to have sex to cheat, if you desire to in your mind you have already cheated even if the actual act is never carried out.

In my marriage, yes, I would consider that infidelity. We have an agreed upon boundary that he doesn't go to strip clubs, for an assortment of reasons.

The real answer is whatever you say it is. You have as many rights to establish marital boundaries as WH.

But my answer is yes. This comes from a man who has had a couple of private lap dances while deployed oversees. Touching and lusting after a woman not my wife is not okay, regardless of local ordinance. Really, doing anything I wouldn't want my wife to see is dishonest and it's cheating if of a sexual nature.

You'll likely never find me in a strip club again though. That's where FWW and OM#2 went before they slept together the first time.

For us, Yes.

Not only did he spend thousands there but he got a BJ from one up in the "champagne room" and had sex with two other strippers at a nearby hotel (one he paid one for free cause she "liked him" )

I am OK with an occassional strip club visit by a SO provided it is not all the time and he doesn't spend significant amounts of money there. Once in a while, though, while out with the guys? Fine.

I would not be comfortable with it if my SO were a wayward, though.

Different story for a cheater. I thought this was about the average guy showing up at a strip club as part of a group of golfers, etc.

To me, they are too loud and dark. Before smoking was banned, they were also filled with smoke. That, plus way overpriced beer.

A real fun experience.

My ex wife felt that it was so I didn't go. Now that I'm single, I still don't go. I can think of much better ways to use my money than to pay someone to pay attention to me.

For me, yes, cheating. Nothing good comes from going to a strip club, business or not. It cheapens everything good about our bodies and sex, just as infidelity does.

One thing I have determined after the A, all boundaries related to sexuality and infidelity must stay centered. Once they slip a little, they continue to slip whether slowly and imperceptibly, or at high speed. Any sexual contact outside of marriage is a boundary on the move.

I agree with the above quote. It's a slippery slope.

Really, why does a married man need to be looking at other women, even if he is just there to look. Why does society think this is okay.

Also, a lot of these strippers are very young and have boob, butt and lip implants, and it give men unrealistic expectations of women's looks and behaviors just as does online porm.

I don't have any desire to go see the chippendales. I don't want some stray guy shaking his junk at me.

And, viewing porn grosses me out rather than turns me on.

I think internet porn and strip clubs and the way it is too easily accepted by society is the reason cheating is on the rise.

Women are into porn more these days too, and I think that is why women are cheating more, too.

I used to be okay with the strip club if it was associated with a bachelor party, but not after being cheated on.

I am not exactly chopped liver, and the fact that my husband feels the need to look at other women's bodies, annoys the heck out of me.

He wouldn't like it if I were ogling other men.

The fact that he had an affair has damaged me enough.

it's really not unlike when you ladies get roped into going to some home sales party for overpriced junk you really don't want.

This is so sexist, I can't even.

1) there are strip clubs that feature male strippers that would be the female equivalent of a male going to a strip club that features female strippers. Sitting in a room with a bunch of other women and discussing Tupperware or smelling different candles while eating an appetizer is not at all the same as having a naked woman (or underwear clad) grinding on my husband's lap or on a stage in front of him.

2) women who don't WANT to go to the home sales parties don't go, I can assure you. They make up excuses, or politely decline. Nobody HAS to go to a home sales party, as nobody HAS to go to a strip club "with the guys."

3) I don't know how you can speak for all 30 year old men. I know plenty who, despite the fact they have a "pair" to look at everyday- and yet still gawk and drool and beat off to strange breasts in porn, in movies, at strip clubs, and the covered up cleavage variety as well. Usually, this is because men are attracted to breasts.

To answer the original question:

I would consider a strip club cheating in my marriage, especially after my H proved himself to be unfaithful. Strip clubs, much like porn, are gray area things in which some couples are okay with and some are not. It seems as though YOU are not comfortable, and it also seems as though your husband feels like what he did was wrong, seeing as he said it was bad and didn't tell you.

[This message edited by BeyondBreaking at 4:32 PM, June 26th (Thursday)]

Honestly I think it depends more on the fact that if it done in secret, or something you knew about. That's more about cheating, than that actual act of going to a strip club.

If H were to go to one, he would say hey I'm going to a strip club because it's suchs and suchs bday or whatever. Now if he hid it, lied about it, or paid for a lap dance, we would have a problem.

Lap dances cross a line, unless its something that you have agreed upon as being acceptable.