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((((Gaby))))

I am so sorry.

I hate to say it but it sounds like you will be so much better off without him.

but I know that doesn't help the pain or brig back the rug that's been torn from underneath you.

You're strong. Detach and do what you need to do.

Gaby, if I'm understanding correctly it sounds like your current husband played the role of KISA following your dday with your X. He was there, you describe him as steady yet had a drinking problem, during what would have been a horrible time for you, if not the worst experience of your life to that date. You attached positive feelings to him, during a time that was otherwise all very negative.

He then worked all the time and you rarely saw him except when he was sleeping. It's easy to escape into work and use it as a crutch. He then lost his job and struggled with depression (not sure which came first) and you footed the bill for going on what now(?)… half of your marriage. And during that time he's been cheating and keeping inappropriate behavior from you and you're now realizing he traded one escape for another.

Gently, was he a rockstar hubs strictly because he was a KISA or you were comparing him to your X, or because of who he REALLY was?

I used to compare my husband to my XBF. XBF beat the shit out of me often and explained how he would kill me and get away with it. Not to mention, he cheated and married AP (who was supposedly pregnant) less than a month after I left. He was Attila the Hun basically. I thought my husband was awesome and incredible and nothing like my XBF. They were so different and I was so lucky to have found him.

My husband was a KISA (not with Attila but another situation) and a friend for me when we first started dating. Next to Attila anyone would look good and by comparing the two, I gave my husband a free pass on all sorts of things. But he wasn't really awesome in a lot of ways. He was emotional unavailable and passive aggressive and difficult to live with, especially the longer the relationship went on, and I continued to make excuses for him because ….well, you know he was awesome and I was lucky.

It really hurt to see my husband as he really was, and unfortunately I came to see he had a lot of things in common with my XBF, such as arrogance masking low self-esteem. Actually the only thing they didn't have in common was that my husband didn't hit me and I don't think he would have. Although during his affair he sure became someone I didn't know -- he was intimidating. The reasons behind a lot of their behavior -- the basic core issues, they both shared those. And I was so full of rage knowing my husband knew all these things and could still cheat, lie and hurt me the way he had. Who does that?

But I hadn't seen the real him, and he was a master at keeping things well hidden, and when I did see a glimpse, I ignored it or denied it. That was my fault and I was anger as hell about that too. I think the mask your husband has been wearing all along just fell off and you are seeing what's always been underneath. ….but I may be wrong or projecting.

I agree with the others, you need to get out of his presence if you can't control your rage. Maybe he needs to go stay with his mother for a while. It sounds like it's a volatile situation. I smacked my husband after dday so I'm not judging you. This isn't about him or your relationship, Gaby. That's not as important as you are right now and you need to protect yourself, even from your own rage at this point. Don't give him any more ammunition to use against you.

I just saw this. Absolutely gutted for you. What an asshole. Try to take care of yourself. That includes not breaking any bones in your hands.

Remember that you get time, hon. You don't have to make any big decisions right this second.

Just thought it was worth quoting Jrazz here. I think you are considering R Gaby because you are in that state where one day you were married, had some struggles, but were making it. The next moment you were looking at a stranger who has done heinous things and wondering "WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?".

That's d-day. It upends your world in an instant. You are still in shock Gaby. You want none of this to be real and are busy trying to work out how you can turn back time because that seems like the best option. I remember .

So that being said.. you don't have to decide a damn thing right now. Don't decide to Reconcile because you don't have all the info and facts and the rational head to support that decision right now.

Don't decide to divorce. Don't decide to separate. Don't decide anything but what you are going to eat and how you are going to get some sleep.

Just start with the small but important things like some toast and a glass of water and a nap. Then decide on the actions for the next few hours. Soon you'll string together some days, your head will start to clear, you'll feel stronger and then you can work on the harder stuff.

Today just plan out the next few hours. We're here for you.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:13 PM, July 14th (Monday)]

Meta is a wise woman. Please re-read her post.

And while you are focusing on sleeping, eating, and just making it for a minute, an hour, a day 180 his rear end. Let him get a feel for what it's gonna be like should not allow him to R.

Gaby, if I'm understanding correctly it sounds like your current husband played the role of KISA following your dday with your X. He was there, you describe him as steady yet had a drinking problem, during what would have been a horrible time for you, if not the worst experience of your life to that date. You attached positive feelings to him, during a time that was otherwise all very negative.

This is true to some extent.

I'd already kicked XWH husband out of the house. SIS and I started hanging out as friends. Neither of us wanted a "serious relationship" at the time and that phrase was actually a running joke with us for a long time.

I was dating (casually) while WH2 and I were spending time together.

WH2 IS a KISA (knight in shining armor), but I don't think its a "complex" with him. He's always been very helpful. His nickname at his old job was Mr. Happy, but I think the problem comes when he doesnt let go of that Mr. Happy mask and actually vent frustrations (in a healthy way) instead of shoving them down and doing destructive things instead. I've told him on a number of occassions that I don't need him to be "on" all the time.

He then worked all the time and you rarely saw him except when he was sleeping. It's easy to escape into work and use it as a crutch. He then lost his job and struggled with depression (not sure which came first)

He was switched to a different shift the year we got married. He'd always worked long hours (union job and basically they could have you stay for OT at will), but we could usually spend a good bit of time together in the evenings when my kids were at XWH's house. I was a full time grad student as well, so I'd bring my homework to his place and I'd do that while he made dinner, then we'd relax, etc. On weekends, again, we'd spend time together after work in the evenings. We didn't get married quickly.

We'd been together for 3 years before we said our "I do" and had some adversity due to our inter-racial relationship (his dad didn't care for it at all, but no one can resist me for long ).

and you footed the bill for going on what now(?)… half of your marriage.

He lost his old job 2 years ago. That salary was on par with mine. When he started working again he wasn't able (so far) to find anything in that salary range. We made the decision that going back to school would be beneficial in the long run. He's been an A/B student for most of it and he's months from finishing. I was willing (and trying) to hang on through school because we were in it together (or so I thought).

He works part time (25-35hrs per week, depending). Basically his income is enough to cover his truck payment and insurance (both vehicles) with one paycheck and groceries and gas (for both vehicles) on the other paycheck.

Everything else (mortgage, electric, phone, etc) is on me to pay or we have to go without.

And during that time he's been cheating and keeping inappropriate behavior from you and you're now realizing he traded one escape for another.

Yes.

Gently, was he a rockstar hubs strictly because he was a KISA or you were comparing him to your X, or because of who he REALLY was?

Both. He was a good guy (especially compared to XWH). I saw that he was a good son (in contact with his parents, helped them around their home etc). He is (was) family-oriented (always available within reason to help his parents, brothers, and my kids). He was always kind/upbeat to strangers. He was appropriately upset when it was appropriate to be upset. The drinking was an issue, yes. I think as a bachelor of 10+ years, a 6pack or more a night was a habit he fell into. This was something we discussed and he worked on it and continues to work on it.

He was (and still is) a hard worker. He DOES work (25-35hrs per week, depending on what's scheduled). The problem is that the income is half of what he used to make hourly AND it is a lot less hours (when you take into account that he often worked 14 hour days at his old job). But he did (and does) go to work hurt, sick, tired and gives 100%. If he calls out sick, you know he's REALLY sick.

Going back to school was a major part in fixing the income issue in the long term.

I gave my husband a free pass on all sorts of things. But he wasn't really awesome in a lot of ways. He was emotional unavailable and passive aggressive and difficult to live with, especially the longer the relationship went on, and I continued to make excuses for him because ….well, you know he was awesome and I was lucky.

I think I gave him a free pass over the last couple of years, but because of the depression. I was trying (and failing a lot of the time) to be sensitive to what is a very real illness. What I failed to do was make him man up even when he sometimes didn't feel like it.

I started taking on more and more and haven't really reconciled myself to the fact that he's getting more and more comfortable with that scenario the longer it goes on....mainly because he was always a hard worker.

I came to see he had a lot of things in common with my XBF, such as arrogance masking low self-esteem. Actually the only thing they didn't have in common was that my husband didn't hit me and I don't think he would have.

I have to disagree with this. Outside of this behavior/cheating, there aren't many similarities to XWH and WH2. I would say low self esteem is one similarity, but I wouldn't call WH2 arrogant.

And I was so full of rage knowing my husband knew all these things and could still cheat, lie and hurt me the way he had. Who does that?

This is something that I am still trying to process and so far my mind isn't allowing that. The rage is there, yes, but that numb "unrealness" is more at the forefront, especially when he isn't in my face (ie like now while I'm at work).

But I hadn't seen the real him, and he was a master at keeping things well hidden, and when I did see a glimpse, I ignored it or denied it. That was my fault and I was anger as hell about that too. I think the mask your husband has been wearing all along just fell off and you are seeing what's always been underneath. ….but I may be wrong or projecting.

There may be some truth to this, but I'm not sure (yet) if what's underneath a dealbreaker. A lot of that depends on whether I can deal with another cheater (whether he met f2f or not, his behavior is cheating in my mind). It also depends on what he does with his time and how he goes about fixing himself before its too late to do anything (for me).

I agree with the others, you need to get out of his presence if you can't control your rage. Maybe he needs to go stay with his mother for a while. It sounds like it's a volatile situation.

It was extrememly volatile at times over the weekend, mainly on my part. I would be relatively calm and we'd be talking, then an "I don't know" response or a mental image of a red bow would flash in my head and I'd find myself on my feet pummeling him.

He never hit me back and never tried to restrain me. The physical attacks are ALL on me. If he chooses to press charges, that will be MY set of consequences.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 4:42 PM, July 14th (Monday)]

Don't decide to Reconcile because you don't have all the info and facts and the rational head to support that decision right now.

Don't decide to divorce. Don't decide to separate. Don't decide anything but what you are going to eat and how you are going to get some sleep.

Just start with the small but important things like some toast and a glass of water and a nap. Then decide on the actions for the next few hours. Soon you'll string together some days, your head will start to clear, you'll feel stronger and then you can work on the harder stuff.

Today just plan out the next few hours. We're here for you.

Thank you Meta (by way of Jrazzy).

This is pretty much where I am. Still no food (2:30pm my time), but I've been drinking water and managed to keep a protein/coffee combo down (so far).

My son is at home tonight, so I'm just going to focus on that and hang out with him, watching some Hell's Kitchen episodes on the DVR.

Gaby

That is awful.

Please take care of yourself.

See an attorney to learn your rights because it takes some of the fear away and gives you back a bit of control.

But put any tough decisions on the back burner.

Focus on you. Work out, eat healthy and cry as much as you want to. Tears release stress hormones.

Tears release stress hormones.

Oddly enough, I haven't been able to do this yet.

When XWH and I were going through our crap, I stopped crying in front of him because he used it against me. I think I'm reacting the same way now and simply haven't cried yet because I haven't been away from SIS (and I can't let go enough to cry at work).

I'll chime in as one who reads and appreciates your very thoughtful and, thought provoking posts. I hate this for you. A second dday is at the top of my "scared the most" list and, I truly can't even grasp the idea of going thru that again.

Everyone here has given you good advice. You need to sit with this a while before you think about R Gaby. 300+ emails? Two profiles on a hookup site? CL? I know you can see the red flags waving all over the place. I don't think there is a chance in hell that he has not met up with someone by now. They are out there and very willing..... for the right price. Check your bank statements. He needs to account for every single transaction. Check your phone records. If he has been "flirting" with CL whores, it will be obvious. Ask me how I know

Sending you as much strength and courage as its going to take to pull yourself back up yet again. I have always believed that its really you who is the true Rockstar!

Gaby, I was talking about my own experience with the comparisons. It took me a long time after dday to see the similarities between him and XBF. My husband stepped up and worked on himself. I don't think XBF was capable of that. Hopefully your husband can too. I wasn't saying he couldn't. Only time will tell. You will see things more clearly each day to come. You know this.

The absolute gut-wrenching pain and rage of having a spouse know what you've previously lived through and doing very similar things -- it's a mind-fuck for sure. And I had rage that was out of this world.

I experienced those flashes of rage to the IDK responses. I would be calm one minute and that would set me off in the next minute. You don't need more consequences. What's done is done, but I'm worried about a next time. It's only been 2 days. If your rage is that much at the surface, getting some distance between you means you will be protecting you (and him) from further hurts. That can all part of self care, just like sleeping and eating.

I have always believed that its really you who is the true Rockstar

!

I'll second that!

Gaby - I was afraid his profession of choice would be in I/T. It makes recovery for a porn addict nearly impossible because they can figure out every way to cheat and lie to themselves and others, and cover up quite a bit of the evidence.

If he wants to recover the marriage, and if you ever get willing to let him try, he will have to face this demon down and he may just have to give up professional work on a computer. He's lied to you/concealed for how long? It's going to have to be seriously considered.

Of course, if you're done, he may as well just keep on, unless he considers that he will continue destroying everything and for his own sake give up the profession.

Oh Gaby, I just saw this. I am so sorry ((((Gaby))))

I think the most important thing is to remember to give yourself time to sort thru your feelings. I totally understand your anger. He knew better, that is why he was hiding it.

He is dealing with a LOT of issues. Porn, masturbating and taking pics, sending pics, tying bows, lying about your relationship to others, making it sound like you were denying him sex, seeking sexual titillation with others (whether or not there is anything going on in person really doesn't matter), hiding things from you, secrets, lying to you about his sexual desire, and the anger of him throwing things that bounce off the walls and hit you. Those are some MAJOR red flags.

If he has a conscious, he is also going to have to deal with the fact that he let you support his ass while he cheated on you. For anyone with a conscious, that is going to be some heavy duty guilt to deal with. And he is minimizing, which means he does NOT get it.

I wouldn't let him back in your house until he gets some counseling. "He" needs to find a way to afford it, and if it is worth it to him, he will do it. You will not pay for his counseling. That is his deal. But he needs help to work thru his issues. And there are plenty. It is going to take him a while.

You need to detach and just take care of you right now. I am so, so sorry...

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 7:26 PM, July 14th (Monday)]

I am so sad this has happened to YOU, Gaby. So not fair the first time around, let alone a second time down this road. FWIW, my xh played on line poker, as well, and I learned later that was the new 'date site' as there was / is a chat box on the screen allowing players to interact. "She was always on there and she sounded like fun." You may want to investigate that avenue, as well. My xh's 'innocent' texting turned to sexting very quickly and, of course, that led to pics of body parts and more being exchanged. You don't deserve this, none of us do, but YOU really don't ! I've always found your posts full of real thoughtfulness about each situation to which you respond, always with wisdom of one who has been there, done that. What would be your advice to another SI'er in your current situation ? ((((Gaby))))

Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you. I've been thinking about your situation quite a bit, and I wish there were something I could do to help. I wish I could come over and do your laundry or make you a milkshake with my new immersion blender (I used to work at an ice cream place, so I've got some sundae skills). (((Gaby)))

I'm just so sorry Gaby. I would be destroyed. Please take care of yourself.

(((Gaby)))

I'm just seeing this now, too. I am so sorry. Like gonna, any thoughts I have for you would not be productive right now.

So instead I will send lots of love and hugs.

You are strong and wonderful and will get through this.

(((Gaby)))

Thank you all. I am truly humbled by the responses and by how many of you think well of me. Thank you.

I'm holding up and can say that there were no violent (physical) outbursts tonight.

I got home and talked with SIS for a while about what the hell was in his head. He still hasn't gotten to his reasons of course. His answer to a lot of it was "I just didn't think" or "I don't know".

When I told him that that phrase "I didn't think" basically says to me that he didn't care enough about me to consider his actions before he acted out. That tells me that he doesn't want to be here. It shocked him because I don't think he saw it from that side. That was the first time I got (what sounded like) a genuine apology without any whining or self pity.

He's banged up pretty well. While I didn't apologize, I did tell him that I shouldn't have hit him and that it won't happen again. I didn't apologize because I wont say "I'm sorry" unless I mean it. At this point, I'm NOT sorry, but I don't like that I took it that far either. That's not who I am.

My paycheck has always gone into my personal account, so that doesn't change. WH's check generally goes into the joint account. He can continue that or not...that's on him. I'll make things work either way, but changes in that area would be very telling for someone who claims to want to work things out. Again...we'll see.

I'm not making any decisions other than drinking water, attempting to eat (no go there so far), and looking after my kid(s) and myself.

No promises, but believe me...my eyes are wide open and watching everything.

My MIL wrote back and is heartbroken for us. She's a rock and has told HIM to get his head out of his ass. (I read an email she sent to him via my access to his email accounts).

Again...we'll see...

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 11:07 PM, July 14th (Monday)]

I meant to respond to this earlier, but I missed it.

They are out there and very willing..... for the right price. Check your bank statements. He needs to account for every single transaction. Check your phone records. If he has been "flirting" with CL whores, it will be obvious. Ask me how I know

Since we've been together (living together then married), I've always handled the household finances. I can say with very little doubt that all funds are accounted for. If he met with someone, it wasn't for a fee. I haven't dug into the phone records yet, but the texting usage isn't unusually high. He admitted to using CL emails to "chat" as well as using his alternate email to chat (back and forth exchanges). That matches what I've found on the phone records. There weren't any odd phone numbers or texts/messages to specific phone numbers that I/he can't readily explain.

Sending you as much strength and courage as its going to take to pull yourself back up yet again. I have always believed that its really you who is the true Rockstar!

Thank you.

Though I readily admit the only "rock" I'm feeling at the moment is akin to the one that hits your windshield at high speeds.

Gaby, my H used a CL app on his phone to troll and hook up as well. Please don't be lured into a false sense of security just because its not obvious on the bank statements. My H received some cash payments for smaller jobs that never got deposited. He then used that money to purchase sex. By the time I found out he had spent some $10,000.00 on making his dick happy.

Meanwhile, I was working full time and still having to borrow money from my 85 year old parents to keep the power on and buy a few groceries. I'm still having a hard time with my rage here at one and a half years out when I think about that.

I think it's been suggested that he has most likely just switched addictions. Mine was a workaholic, pot and cigarette smoker. Then his porn use escalated into scanning and RL encounters. I still have a hard time understanding how out of control he had become while I was clueless to what was happening. It was/is truly mind bending.

Take care Gaby. You know the drill and you know from past experience that you rarely get the full story for quite some time. He may be innocent until proven guilty about if he actually hooked up but, the burden of proof sits squarely on him.

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 7:50 AM, July 15th, 2014 (Tuesday)]