SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Please note that a stop sign has been added so this thread is now open to WS replies only.

I just want to say hello and sorry you are here. It is a great place for support and to talk, though.

hope you come back SIS.

Thank you everyone for all the responses and words of encouragement. I made a comment that she denied hitting me, but I misread the email. I am not putting blame on her, and the hitting has stopped, but I understood the anger. Yes I am ashamed, and embarrassed, which does result in a little defensive nature. I am trying not to be defensive.

Now if you will all bear with me, I am going to give you all the full story, trying to remember all events. This may take a little while to write...

From the beginning. Some will be a repeat of very first post.

Worked for a company that was open 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Had it good for a while, was on day shift with a weekend day off. Was great having nights off and a partial weekend with my wife. Then things started to turn. Was forced to work the night shift. 10 hour shifts that usually wound up being 12 to 14, split days off. Any, well, all time off I spent sleeping. During this time I was diagnosed with depression and put on Cymablta. My attitude towards my job was diminishing, and I was becoming agitated towards some coworkers. I sometimes took lower dosages or skipped all together my Cymbalta, costing 75 a month, and one night I paid the price for that. Lost my tempter, lost my job. We were somewhat ok for a little time with my retirement funds, but that was short lived. Finding a job that paid good was a hopeless search. I kept lowering my standards in my searches, never getting a response from any applied for job. We had to borrow money at times to make ends meet, and filed bankruptcy.

During this time, my self esteem was gone. I looked at my wife and could see a form of resentment. I knew what had happened was my fault, and we were now struggling because of it. Somewhere along this time, I made the biggest mistake I have ever made. I don't remember if I clicked on a spam mail or went directly to it, but wound up on adult friend finder. I don't remember what I put on it, I made it, and left it. So now that I did that, here comes all the spam. So and so looked at you. So and so sent you a message. Yeah right....I don' think I had put any information there to get a response. Out of curiosity I think I tried to log in, and could not. Forgot password or I don't know, I just could not get back in. So like a dumbass, I made another one (she reminded me that there was two, I could not remember). Same thing, made it and left it. ***Side note. During this time, I was on a generic Zoloft instead of Cymbalta due to cost. After it "kicked in", I noticed that my head was cloudy, I was having trouble concentrating, and could not remember things. I quit taking it when I left school to come home and could not honestly remember where I was going. So no antidepressants for a few months, now taking vnlafaxine, day 3?***

I just wanted to add that side note because of memory problems.

Where was I? I pretty much dismissed aff off as a being ridiculous, but made things worse by looking at craigslist. Don't ask when, I don't remember. I first started replying to some under a new email I created. No real replies, a lot of spam. A lot. I decided to amp it up and include pics of my,,,, and see what would happen. This pretty much had the same result. As some of you may know, there are a lot of fake listings on CL that hook you to a site. Pretty realistic, some even do follow up emails to help coax you. I fell prey to one (free) which was like facebook for adults. Another bad move. I decided to see what would happen by posting my own listing on CL. Yes, complete with pictures. Everything was the same result. Now what was I looking to get out of this? Online play. I went as far with some emails to give general location, times of day, but that was to separate the spam. I say this because spammers don't know the location, or time of year for that matter. Had a reply or saw a post, don't remember which, that said it sure is raining hard. It was 100' out! I don't know why I kept doing it. My thought process was it was anonymous online play.

Well, I think that is it, probably remember something else, or maybe not. I think I have it all here.

What I see a lot of in your post is that you "fell prey to" " they tried to coax you", this is all wording that is you trying to shift the blame somewhere else because you still don't want to take on the blame that YOU did this. At what point are you going to look in the mirror and say yep, that was all me, no one else, there was no gun to my head, I made those decisions. Because until then, nothing else gets better.

I made a comment that she denied hitting me, but I misread the email. I am not putting blame on her, and the hitting has stopped, but I understood the anger.

Regarding the violence aspect, I get she was irrational and hurt and upset and that this is probably not the norm for her to physically assault you. What you did to her, knowing her history, is entirely, not ok. What she has done to you, knowing she can only control herself and not you, is entirely, not ok. If the cops had been called, she'd be in jail right now, whether you wanted her there or not. You have stated the hitting has stopped. Just like cheating, even once is never ok. I hope that you are both safe for both your sake's.

Are you looking to trying to reconcile with your wife? This isn't her first rodeo. Her beating you up indicates the last thing for either of you is reconciliation. With that said, it doesn't mean that you don't have a crap load of work to do on you, on recovering yourself and healing you.

I spent the last 8 years drunk, so from somebody that cannot remember much. In order to remember, you are going to have to WANT TO. and you will need to want to, to get those back.

tired girl- you are absolutely correct. I do seem to be pushing the blame. I am working on coming off my defensive mode. All this has me ashamed, and embarrassed, and first instinct is to be defensive. I feel that this is a start, and as this progresses, I will come to more full terms. I do know that it was my doing. I gave in to temptation for self gratification.

caspers1wish- I admit, the beating was a little much. But at the same time, the damage I did to her does not compare. In an email, I told her no more. There hasn't been. I am good with that. And no, her in jail would not have been good for either of us.

I gave in to temptation for self gratification.

which begs the question, why? why did you feel the need to give in? why did you compromise yourself, your marriage, for self gratification?

I gave in to temptation for self gratification.

This is a good start right here. MJ has asked you to look at that further. Yes, this is hard. It is really hard when we look in the mirror and see what we have done. The road we chose to walk. The only way off that road is to look at ourselves and to figure out how we got there. You have taken your first step. Keep going.

Why did I give in.. I wish I could give a good answer. My first response would be the antidepressants, or lack thereof. However, that would just be laying blame elsewhere, again. So I cannot use that as my answer. Thinking on it more, for right now, I do not have that answer.

What do you think you were looking for?

A couple things I think. During this time, and I had not even realized it had been this long, we have not been intimate. There were a couple times I tried, but she wanted to make sure I had my schoolwork done first, which was a good thing. With that said, I felt undesirable to her, and wanted to feel that. And, unfortunately, I started taking care of myself just about every other day.

So who was turning who down for intimacy?

I would have to say it was a mutual thing. We have been out of synch I guess you could say. When one tried to start, her or I, the other would brush it off.

why wasn't MC an option? why wasn't discussing your feelings an option? Did you discuss your continuing to pleasure yourself with her? WHY....WHY....WHY.... get to the WHY.

I didn't see anywhere on those medications where it said a possible side effect is infidelity.

ETA:

And, unfortunately, I started taking care of myself just about every other day.

I am going to guess porn. porn causes objectification and unrealistic expectations. and delivers you to a fantasy land. But FYI this is still not why.

[This message edited by DrJekyll at 12:17 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)]

Did you ever try to talk to her about this? Why did you just decide to start taking care of things yourself? That just started happening out of the blue?

These are the things you need to be thinking about. You went down a very bad road and it started with some bad decisions early on. Why did you give yourself permission to just start going down your own road here?

Sorry, still new here, what is MC?

No I never discussed it (pleasuring myself) with her. I am trying to think of why I gave myself permission.... Another issue I need more thought on.