SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If you see my other posts, my husband betrayed me a month ago and I removed my wedding ring as it felt wrong to wear it anymore. We are trying to reconcile and he does seem very remorseful. He has even googled how betrayed spouses feel and what to expect them to be like. I am still struggling with the fact that he went with a prostitute but we were trying to start afresh and was wondering if anyone had tried renewing their vows as a fresh start? Is it silly to be thinking about that so early? It's almost like I need closure on the past and start again and I was thinking this might be a way.

bs me 45

wh him 46

2 kids

married 25 years

dday a month ago

I've thought about it..I have daydreamed about my WH coming back to me and being soooo sorry and wanting to make our marriage right again. I dreamt about a private ceremony of renewing vows and starting our marriage over fresh. But as bad as I want it I'm still afraid of him hurting me more. But it's only been one month for us too. Things are still so fresh and raw. And no it's not silly for you thinking this way. I'm still holding onto hope that things can be better again.

Is it silly to be thinking about that so early? It's almost like I need closure on the past and start again and I was thinking this might be a way.

IMO, yes. It is too soon to consider renewing your vows.

In my situation, I scheduled a vow renewal 2 months after Dday (and on Monster's birthday) as a way to *show* him that I was totally *in* on R'ing our marriage. In hindsight, it was a total mistake.

As it turned out, Monster is such a nutter that the time would never have been *right* for this type of pomp and circumstance, but at one month out you have barely begun to process what happened.

Give yourself and 'him' some time.

Once he has proven himself to be actually remorseful and you are sure that you can live with the betrayal -- THEN schedule the renewal.

Great question! My WW and I have talked about it, but I think it is so,ething to signify the change, not signal the start.

Admittedly from what I've read we're in for a long haul until we feel secure to breath again.

My novice advice is to wait until you feel you're on solid ground.

Did you put your ring back on? I took mine off as well as a part of the 180 and it hit her like a ton of bricks. I now have it back on, but have expressed a need for a long wait until vows are re-done.

'No I haven't put it back on yet. I told my husband I didn't have it on today and he was quite annoyed and said how long haven't you been married? I said I am married just that it felt wrong to wear it with what has happened. He doesn't wear his due to safety at work. I think it hit home too with me not wearing it.

I know every situation is different, I just don't know if renewing them will help how I feel or not.

IMHO it is way too soon. My FWS and I were talking about it earlier today. I wanted to be able to put my rings back on (took them off for good 11months after DDay because he still wasn't being honest with me), and to renew our vows as a sign of our recommitment. We are 18 months out. As we started to discuss it, I realized what I really wanted was for all of this to have never happened. I can't imagine renewing vows at 1 month out. I didn't ever have the whole truth at a month out. Our therapist says 2-5 years for R. I see it will definitely take significant time.

We did it. He cheated again seven years later. Renewing vows, new rings, moving to a new place, a fresh start...all useless if he doesn't do the work to figure out why he did it in the first place and if boundaries to prevent a recurrence aren't in place. You'll get a false sense of security from the fresh promises but I assure you that, without the work, he'll have no more difficulty breaking the new vows than he did breaking the old ones. Do the work together first. When you feel secure in your marriage because you know he understands why he did it and what boundaries are critical to not have it happen again, then renewing vows makes sense and you'll be able to have more faith in the new promises.

Don't do it. At this point it would be rugsweeping. You can't start fresh after betrayal like this. It must be dealt with..and that takes years.

Your husband would look at this differently. Anytime you would get upset or have questions, he will get mad because " New marriage, New start." And it'd be your fault. No. Screw that.

What is he doing to heal the damage he has caused? It's nice that he googled how to help you...but what is he doing to help himself? It seems he doesn't think he's the one with the problem, you are. He is looking for ways to help you? The best thing he can do to help you, and himself,is to work on his issues.

That will take years.

The new marriage will be the same......the pain, the betrayal will still be there.

Truly something I would like to do. I don't think it is too early for you to be thinking about it, I just would not rush into actually doing.

For me, it is something that I want my WH to decide on and plan...not me. Given his disdain for pomp and circumstance this may never happen, but HE BROKE the vows, so I would like him to make the effort to formally renew them. Since the A is completely a secret in our lives, I don't see this ever being a big formal event. There is a marriage conference that I would love to go to in August, but I am hesitating because it ends with a group vow renewal ceremony and I don't want him to be able to take the "easy" way out.

I agree that it is too soon. He must get to the root of the problem and address his issue, if he is to truly change.

Out of curiosity, who's idea was the vow renewal?

We did at about a year and a half out. We were on vacation in St. Kitts. We decided that it was something we wanted to to....wrote our own vows to each other and did it overlooking the Caribbean....just the two of us. It was very emotional and I cherish the memory. I don't know if I agree about the fresh start or putting closure at this point. It is way to early to "try" to put it to rest. Unfortunately....even with a remorseful spouse that is doing everything right, this takes years to feel better. You need to feel all of that and not rugsweep it.

I suggested new vows and ceremony after my ww first affair, we didn't and it wouldn't have mattered any. If it makes you feel more safe, do it. If it is part of your making up process do it. But my caution is that the WS needs to want it just as much or more than you, otherwise don't waste your money and time. At this stage of the game i cannot even look at wedding pictures

Another one for it being too soon. You are barely starting this journey into a new life. Your emotions will run high and low over the next few months if not the next few years. You may have not hit an "angry" stage yet. It's possible that you may not but most seem to experience this after the initial shock of the betrayal. In my opinion if you do this it will help your husband sweep what he has done to you under the rug. You need to heal and this is all about you now.

Not what he wants or feels. You need to take the time to heal yourself. What would renewing vows do for you anyway? You kept yours but he didn't. I'm not trying to turn you against him, quite the opposite. If you love him and want to make your marriage work you need to work on you and your healing first and this takes a very long time from my experience. I'm a little over a year away from DDay and am no where close to being healed. This is my opinion of course and you may do as you choose I just ask you to consider what your doing now so you don't regret it later which is obviously what you are doing since you came here to ask for opinions.

He googled something about how you feel and you are ready to renew your vows? very very gently, sarahstar, please take some time to decide how YOU want the future to be. Get with an IC to figure out how you can be recover from being betrayed like this.

oh man... this is kinda profound for me

I thought "we" were renewing our vows in 2007 at our 10 year anniversary. I thought we'd made so much progress dealing with major crap stressor events with the whole toxic ex-W that after we'd been in the court system from 2002 on, had our first beautiful daughter in 2004 followed by our second beautiful daughter in 2006 following the death of both of his maternal grandparents and then dealing with CPS and guardian ad litems and court evaluators and ugh just growing so much in so many ways... I thought it was a celebration of the "fresh start"

hah - WH is off to the races writing a CL ad by 2008 while I am pregnant with amazing son, coping with his new job, him turning 40, yadda yadda and so here I am dealing with his transitional anxiety mess that sperminated an OC

so I am working on me as the fresh start this time and if eventually we can get new rings and celebrate ... heck I'm all for a wedding I never had. But I ain't planning beyond maybe a burning pictures or something ceremony = for me = at this time.

I would ask - is it your WS's idea or yours? If it is yours, I say don't do it... if your WS is stepping up to the plate and doing all of the heavy lifting and really SHOWING you the love and commitment to change than I'd be cautiously optimistic. So long as DDay reads at least a few years out as well as otherwise I would caution against anything that allows for rug-sweeping instead of true healing.

Found out our time in couples counseling was just that = him and me rug-sweeping = it's his exW's "fault" instead of really digging into why do we put up with X? Why do we allow ourselves to be hurt and hurt each other by not being a team?

Man there are so many time machine moments I want from a decade ago!

So to me, it ain't the ceremony I will depend on to trust that I am different... that we are different. Phoenix from the ashes different. Butterfly from a metamorphasis different.

It's honestly knowing you two are committing to a fresh start

Renewing your vows imbue no "magic", there is no spirituality = no grace = if the seeds are not planted in good soil if that makes any sense to use the mustard seed parable.

My pastoral counselor likened it to me wanting to be swimming in shallow water when I realize I am in 10 feet deep...not to panic but to know how I must pace myself with that better understanding of reality

don't rush

one day at a time

trust only actions as you are dealing with someone who lies

((((Sarahstar))) you can do this just pace yourself to be able to go the distance

as my cross country coach said it best

life is a marathon, don't run it like a sprint

[This message edited by Merida at 9:46 AM, July 17th (Thursday)]

I didn't ever have the whole truth at a month out.

I dare say you don't know the truth about what your H has been doing either. Sarastar, God only knows how I feel for you in this situation. When I was a newbie here, people kept telling me that there was way more to what happened but, I was confident that I knew him well enough to know that he was telling me the absolute truth. They were all right and I was completely dumbfounded at what unfolded. I don't know for absolute certain about your H but, I can tell you that from the mounds of books I have read about men who use prostitutes, I'd be willing to bet the farm on this one.

Renewing your vows now before you have even scratched the surface in IMHO is sticking your head in the sand and letting him off the hook WAY too easy. You are still walking around hemorrhaging due to the dagger in your back! He has some SERIOUS issues to address and if he doesn't, you will most likely be back here again in the not so distant future. You haven't even had time to recover from the shock of finding out about this. Give yourself the gift of time to decide how you want to proceed and put him on notice that this is all about you now. He deceived you, he snuck around behind your back and paid another woman to let him screw her when you were home believing all was well in happily married land.

You can do whatever it is that helps you cope but, I suggest you wait.

I'm feeling your pain sarahstar. On DDay I told my H that he had totally trashed our marriage. I told him while I still had feelings for him, I did not feel married nor did I feel any commitment to him. Ring came off and will never go on again.We are in R. He is remorseful and things seem to be going by the book so far, but its only been since April and Im still on the roller coaster. But on my good days I consider, if I look at H as someone I would marry if I werent already married to him, then perhaps a vow renewal would be in order. All I can say is we have a long way to go, and if he wants me to commit again there is going to have to be kneeling and diamonds involved. Remember, you are the ultimate prize and your H would be the luckiest man in the world if you decide to recommit to him.

Thankyou for your advice everyone. It all makes sense. Outtanowhere, I hope you are wrong. What you said is exactly how I feel. I feel confident that nothing else will come out but then there was another occasion that I caught him where he swears black and blue it was simply a massage that a workmate had recommended to him. Just that it was at a private house. On the day I confronted him, he couldn't look at me when he denied it but since this prostitute thing told me that it was simply a massage just that he was embarrassed because it was at a private house and he was worried what I might think. I do have doubts though about that and I think I always will. Now when I think about everything, it should be him that makes the suggestion of renewal of vows.

Personally, I have not been able to bring myself to renew my vows with him. I considered it, but just cann't do it. My feelings were that if the first vows were not enough, why would the next one's be?

However, for some they report it makes a big difference for them. It is a personal choice that has to be right for the individual. Good luck.

They only admit to what you have evidence of. Anyone here on this site will tell you that. You have your doubts because good sense tells you that a massage at a private house is inappropriate at best and, sneaky, illicit activity at worst. Red flag! He isn't going to come clean out of a guilty conscious. He can't even admit to himself what he has been doing much less you.

Trust me on this one, those doubts you have now will haunt you forever and, as time goes on it will get harder and harder to address it with him because he is totally expecting that after he does a few thoughtful things, you will get over it. Give yourself some time to think things through. Your thought will clear a little later and you will have questions. Don't give him a free pass. He needs to suffer some real consequences for his utter selfish and disgusting behavior.

For your sake, I hope I am wrong but, I seriously doubt it.