SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, this is my first post. I just found out that my wife is having an affair 2 days ago. She doesn't know that I know and I'm wondering when is it the right time to confront her on her cheating. We go on vacation with her family for a week in a few days and I'm trying my hardest to pretend that things are okay. I feel like my heart has just been ripped out of my chest. How long should I wait? Should I just sit on this until I have gone threw a grieving process first? I'm so confused as to what to do next. I haven't told anyone about what I just found out.

Now. Don't wait. It's not healthy. Your vacation is already ruined. Just do it now, for your sanity and to give you some time to think about next steps without having to deal with work.

Prepare to present proof. Prepare for denial. Prepare for anger. You will get this all because you caught her.

Do you think she is still in the affair? Demand a NC letter is sent to AP (nc= no contact and ap=affair person). Attempt also to contact AP's spouse as well and inform her of what you know(who knows, perhaps she knows too) Nothing ends an affair faster than bringing it out in the open.

Then take care. Eat and sleep as much as you can... Most of us here go through massive weight loss and sleeplessness in a short period of time. Exercise really helped me. Drink water. Yes, I thought this advice was silly, until I went through it myself.

Use your vacation time to set up a counselling appointment for you, you will likely need it. If your wife is showing regret, arrange for marriage counselling too. Consider hiring an attorney for advice and consider locking any joint bank accounts you may have.

That's a lot to do in a short period of time, but you need to act fast to protect yourself and your kids(if you have them). Use this vacation time to get your "ducks in line". Take it from me, my vacation of a lifetime was ruined by a post vacation confession on the part of my husband. I can't think of that time as good because he was cheating on me... Which is why confrontation or not, your vacation is already unsalvageable, so use this time to get a head start on the things you need to do to survive the next six months.

I'm sorry you are here. Life is going to be difficult for you, regardless if you chose to separate, divorce or reconcile. Know that the wise people here at SI are very supportive in all divorce, separation and reconciliation scenarios. Keep reading and posting here. Collective wisdom is at its best here.

[This message edited by Lowlow at 1:40 AM, August 5th (Tuesday)]

First of all, sympathies.

You may not have been the best husband, but she chose to engage in an affair. Instead of talking to you about any possible problems in the marriage, she decided to seek a 3rd party. This is not your fault.

Regardless of whether or not infidelity is a deal breaker for you, you need to begin by standing up for yourself. Consequently actual Reconciliation or Divorce is a decision you will need to make later on.

Do you have actual proof? Do you know the individuals involved? Do you have children?

This is what I would do right now:

1. Cancel the family vacation and secure your children.

2. Go to a lawyer to see what your options are. Protect yourself financially. Cancel any joint credit cards.

3. Go to a doctor and get tested for STDs.

4. Expose your wife's affair to the wife/girlfriend of the man involved. Expose to her vacation family members.

5. Ask your wife to leave the house and join her family for the next couple of days.

6. Do not be ashamed to seek help from friends/your own family. Do not suffer in silence - make an appointment with a counsellor if you need to vent.

7. Implement 180.

When exposing to family: "Dear "X", I am calling to inform you that I have proof that my wife has been having an affair with "Y". Consequently the children and I will not be joining you. This will be a difficult period for my kids so all help and support will be appreciated. Thank You."

If this were me I would not confront your wife at all. By exposing to her family, her family in turn will reach out to her. By exposing to the other man's girlfriend/wife, it will most likely end the affair as he will now have to fight his own problems. However, for me this would still not be enough: scorched earth policy: File for divorce. The process takes a long time to go through, and in that time you can work out whether or not you want to remain with your wife. If your wife has shown enough remorse then you can cancel the divorce and begin rebuilding.

The above may seem extreme, but right now you need to stand up for yourself and set your boundaries. Your wife does not currently respect you, so by doing the above you gain the upper hand. You set the conditions for reconciliation (if that is what you want).

Oh, I just forgot about an important thing! Arrange for sti testing, now. The more you learn about affairs, the more you realize that most of them never bother to use protection. Protection diminishes the true elicit ness and thrill of the act.

GKG, everything Lowlow said. In short, it is never a good time...but it must be done lest it drives you nuts.

Out of interest, how did you find out etc? What has driven you to this point thus far mate?

The right time is YESTERDAY. You need to give her shock and awe., and cancel the vacation. Your kids will recover and if you do not stop this ASAP believe me they will be more affected in the long run.

You will get the usual bull shit denials and blame shifting . You are going to be miserable on this vacation knowing she is probably texting her boyfriend whole you play with the kids .

You have already gotten good advice here. You need to follow it today

The timing of confrontation may be an important tactical decision. It may be that there are advantages in waiting. There could be financial consideration that need to be buttoned up before the confrontation. Maybe you need this time to gather more information. There have been many many posters on this site who have expressed regret concerning 20/20 hindsight on confronting too soon and blowing any chance to ______.

We need to learn much more of your particular circumstances before making an informed recommendation for strategic disclosure. Speaking of disclosure, be very careful about disclosing your sources and methods of obtaining information. Once revealed, they are blown forever.

GKG

Can you give us more info?

Your ages? If you have kids and their ages?

How you found out? Evidence?

And if it was an emotional (EA) or physical (PA) affair?

Keep posting.

HM

Thanks for your input so far. Here is some more information on my situation.

I'm 36, she is 35. We have no kids. We've been together for 14 years and married for almost 7. I found out by reading her journal that was locked up. I've been having my suspicions because we have grown quite distant from each other lately. She went away for the weekend on a "girls trip" with one of her best friends. Well, she had left her day planner in the office so I decided to take a look through it. In it I found the combination she had wrote down to the locked box that she keeps her journals in. So I opened the box and started reading and she had wrote that she had slept with a man from her writers retreat she had taken a few weeks back. And to top it off, she had wrote that the "girls trip" was all a lie to get away for the weekend because she was actually flying out to meet up with the guy she slept with. I couldn't bare to read anymore since I had been revealed the truth to what is going on. So this is all fresh and I just don't want to fly off the handle even though I'm very pissed and saddened and hurt by all of this. I'm not sure this is the right time to confront her since I don't have any "ducks" lined up.

How do I confront her with the only evidence being that I snooped through her day planner to find the combination to access her journals?

Also, some back history. Back in 2006 when we were just BF/GF for six years and living together, I had an affair with another girl and we ended up breaking up and separated for about 4 months before we reconciled. We went to couples therapy and things were great after that up until now. So I kind of understand what she might be going through in her mind and what may have drove her to cheat. So I guess you can say that we both have done wrong to each other but that still doesn't make it ok.

Financially we have some savings but not much so if we were to separate I wouldn't have much of a nest egg to fall on because I basically would have to leave my job and relocate since I live in an area where it is way too expensive to find an apartment to live on my own with the salary I make. So you could say that we both are financially dependent on each other. I'm thinking that I need to save up some money as a Plan B in case things go haywire. I love this woman with all my being and I do want things to work out with us, but I think I need to set up a safety net first just in case before I confront her with what I found out.

You have two choices .

(1) be silly and suck it up and let her continue to lie to you and sneak away to fuck him

(2) you confront her and not give a shit whether she likes it or not.

IMO easy choice. With no kids there is no reason to put up with this. From here on out you make the demands and she does it or you leave her.

Otherwise you will get more of the same

At least you know the score. And know that she is a cheating liar.

Go to Healing Library and check the FAQ. You need a plan.

The first issue is do you want to be married to her or not? If you do nothing, you will be in a three person marriage which is not the way I think you want to live. So you have to do something.

Is this a deal breaker? Probably too soon to tell. With your history together, however, she knows the pain she's causing you now. Cruel and selfish. If she wanted out, she could have simply told you and left.

Finances? What's the equation solution to pain versus current lifestyle?

Snooping? Too bad. It happened. Yes, she'll be mad, but it is as much an historical fact as her affair. Neither can be changed.

Will she choose to leave? Always a possibility.

Lawyer up. See a lawyer about divorce laws in your state. Knowledge is power and less fear. Painful? Sure, but so is Limbo.

Some great advise already...

First, your past especially as just GF/BF does not apply. She forgave you, married you and I am sure in that order.

2nd, giving us your background IMO is you partly placing blame on yourself. No! You having nothing to do with her infidelity.

If it were me and this goes for whether you choose to work on the marriage or not, it would be immediate, the fact that the vacation is coming up would play no part for me other than to expose her affair which in my opinion should always be done.

Why pander to her as to reveal what you know? She obviously did not care to deceive you or hesitate to fly out to go and see the other man.

best of luck, keep us updated.

[This message edited by atreides at 11:34 AM, August 5th (Tuesday)]

I would do two things:

1. See if you can get a copy of some of the pages of the journal with your phone.

2. See a lawyer.

I would then confront.

One more thing. Nothing is new under the sun as the old saying goes. Take an hour and read a thread in JFO titled The Unthinkable. Its not unlike your situation. You'll read the facts and the thoughts given by posters.

I hope this doesn't violate some rule against commenting on one thread in another. The situations are so similar and GKG hasn't a whole lot of time.

If you want to try to save your M, the FIRST thing you have to do is get rid of the POS and end the A, and it needs to be done ASAP.

Confront her immediately and tell her you are filing for D immediately.

Its counter-intuitive, but you have to show her you are willing to end the M immediately to wake her up to the possibility that she is about to lose her life as she knows it.

Tell her if she wants any chance of changing your mind, she better leave that POS instantly and get herself home ASAP to discuss what path forward you two are going to take.

If she stays, then as far as you are concerned she is choosing D.

Then go dark on her and consult an attorney to begin the filing process.

If you can make copies of the journal.

Also, if you have access to her computer/phone they must be communicating somehow.

Phone records, emails, etc...

Get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and hide it in her car.

She likely calls him and this would be a good way to find out if she starts to try to cover her tracks after you confront.

Waywards usually reach out to the AP, 'friends,' etc... to get stories straight.

Comb bank records for spending. Check the cell phone bill for locations/dates/etc...

She will minimize a great deal, so anything she 'admits' initially is likely a lie and you could probably safely multiply by ~3. Even then it may be nowhere near the truth.

You might consider hiding the journal altogether to see how she reacts when it is missing.

During confrontation - anger and defensiveness are regret from being caught.

You want remorse. She likely won't demonstrate it initially.

Stay very calm and collected when you confront.

See the Healing Library and read a few of the JFO threads.

There are a couple who confronted perfectly.

Figure out what exactly you want to happen and what you want to know. To say I have regrets about my confrontation would be an understatement.

It's completely counter intuitive but if you can completely emotionally disconnect during the confrontation it will be a great show of strength.

If you 'lose it' you will appear weaker than you might want to.

When you have enough irrefutable evidence:

First, contact the AP (payphone or blocked number so he can't call you back) and tell him you know everything and the A is over. Record that phone call. Keep it short and sweet. Do not name call. Hang up if AP tries to engage you further.

Then confront her, but he'll likely have contacted her in advance and she'll know you know.

Play it as cool as possible.

my .02

[This message edited by totalheartbreak at 12:46 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)]

You haven't see. The wise words of Bigger yet. So here they are. You can stay and work on our marriage. Or you can to be with him. But not as my wife.

I've never seen a more succinct way to offer a WS choices. Just do it calmly so she knows you are serious. Her choice. And be ready to back it up with a divorce filing. Do not waffle. You need her respect and the women here will tell you that women do not respect a weak man.

Do not try to nice her back either. It never works. You must be firm and command respect if you want to save the marriage

Read up on the 180 as you may need to implement it with an I remorseful wife. It's to get you to detach. For your own mental health in that situation.

In short you need to plan and figure out how to play offense. This game is late in the fourth quarter.

Do you know who the other man is? Is he married?

If you want to have any hope of saving your marriage (frankly even if you don't), then the right thing to do is inform the OM's wife now, before talking to your wife or OM about it. This is the single biggest thing you can do to end the affair today.

How do I confront her with the only evidence being that I snooped through her day planner to find the combination to access her journals?

She might bring that up, BUT that is really besides the point.

Most times, a spouse is caught cheating because the other spouse had a gut feeling. You acted on that gut feeling and found out the truth.

You need to find out everything about this other guy right now. Is he married, etc. Where does he live, in the same city or far away.

I cannot see how you can possible go on this vacation. I think you need to confront her with all of your evidence.

You say you want to stay married. You cannot make that decision without more facts about everything. And you sure as hell cannot stay married as long as this other guy is ruining your marriage.

Could you call one of the girls she used as an excuse to meet the other guy. If so, you could say you were told by so and so it was all a lie and not reveal how you really found out.

Make sure you copy in any way the evidence before confronting her.

I do know his name. He is married with 2 kids and lives out of state. I do not know his wife's name nor know how to contact her to let her know. He is on FB but everything is set to private. I was thinking of sending him a friend request to strike some fear into this guy because by now, he has to know who I am. Or, I can send just send him a FB message letting him know that I know what the hell is going on. Right now I'm just playing it cool, figuring out how I am going to approach this. I'm no longer stewing over this because whats done is done even if she continues to talk to this guy. I've done some grieving and I am at peace with myself and I'm over the angry phase. I'm also trying to figure out my next move when the shit hits the fan (because it most likely will). I am still waiting for some time to access the lock box where the journal is to capture photos of what she wrote for evidence.