SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Holly-Isis....I'm really sorry you've felt that way. Fwiw, I have always thought of you as one of the more "popular" members. I know I always find your advice to be be spot on and honest. I always read your posts when I see them. I'm sorry you've felt left out.

((((((Holly-Isis))))))

Holly-Isis....I'm really sorry you've felt that way. Fwiw, I have always thought of you as one of the more "popular" members. I know I always find your advice to be be spot on and honest. I always read your posts when I see them. I'm sorry you've felt left out.

((((((Holly-Isis))))))

Ditto!

Deeply Scared, I'm unsure as to why you believe I've been waiting to attack you. I responded to what appeared to me to be an equal attack on another member as I would any other poster on this board. I don't think we have any history that would suggest I've been waiting around to attack you.

Confused and Lieshurt-

Thank you

See what I mean though- perceptions. Despite the harsh words here, I think it helps that there's some communication going on, KWIM?

Holly...

I was surprised to see you felt that way...I've always considered you to be someone we all follow around

Often it is not what you say, but how you say it!

I've been here many years. Not part of any clique. Do not feel left out because I'm not part of any clique.

I've met a number of members (past and present, mostly past) of this site...and even then was not "cliquey". (I hosted two Get Togethers) But yes, I'm certain that many members here have become good friends with others on this site. I think that is natural.

I've witnessed some posts that make me cringe when I think of the effect it might have on the person receiving the post. Life is too short. Choose your words carefully.

[This message edited by JanetS at 6:48 PM, September 6th (Saturday)]

I definitely know that the way we are perceived on this site is not necessarily the way we are in person. I think most people are surprised when they meet me because I'm a tad softer in person than on here. I actually do have a heart.

However, I'll never be part of any "clique", no matter how it's defined. I'm too much of an introvert for that to happen. Throw on some serious foo issues and I'm practically in hibernation most of the year.

I do post in F&G occasionally but honestly, it does seem like I'm the lame kid making jokes that fall flat at my feet.

I know. I try to join in the fun threads, even in D/S, with a few good jokes of my own, but everyone else is so much more clever than me.. Maybe no one gets my sarcasm

And you just posted the most AWESOME thread of all those pics, Holly. I saved so many of those to my computer

But I was thinking, maybe there is a "group of people" down in D/S that I consider to be some Boss Ass Bitches, and I hope I'm one of them. While there is a need to be sensitive, there is also the need to tell people to put their bitch boots on. Some of us dealt with the affair as well as the other deadly A's (addiction and abuse).

I love that there is a family vibe down in D/S. I want our "clique" to get bigger and stronger every day, and be filled with people from all walks of life who survived the devastating effects of infidelity.

Maybe I do have "favorites" down in D/S. People that I just LOVE reading their posts and their responses to other people. Because *I* want to be able to repeat those words to someone else who needs it in the future. I hate if anyone feels left out, because my mission has always been to bring anyone who needs some love into the fold...

Personally, I think there are a hell of a lot of people on this site that are in an incredible amount of pain. And when we are hurting and licking our wounds, we seek out help from friends who have suffered the same. But, in a lot of cases, and because we are hurting, we can easily misunderstand the messages. We are super sensitive to any negative comment. And sometimes it's all in how we interpret what was written. It's very difficult, at the best of times, to be able to put ourselves in someone else's mindset, to be able to put the actual intended intonation into the written word. When we are suffering it is so easy to read every response that is not on our wave length as a criticism. I think the most important thing to remember is which forum the person has posted in. JFO needs so much TLC when they first sign on. And just because someone, after a few months, posts in General or Reconciliation doesn't mean they don't need TLC too. KWIM.

There is nothing worse than infidelity to destroy a person's self esteem. I have misstepped on this site a couple of times and been disciplined. And, at the time, I was extremely hurt and angry. My intentions were always honourable and were never intentional but guidelines must be met. I understand that, in my head, but that doesn't mean that my heart is there too. I know a member who is sometimes frustrated with the lack of responses they get from their posts. I have encouraged them to continue to post and understand that no one does it intentionally. I have felt the same way a couple of times too and I am sure that it happens to everyone. In fact, I make it a point (and I know there are others who do as well) that if I see a post without a response I try to write something encouraging...even if it is just a (((Hug))). It is a very hard thing that we are doing. Posting our inner most secrets and thoughts and begging for someone, anyone to help us. Personally, I feel that this is being done and being done extremely well on this site.

People feel left out. That's a fact, whatever you want to call it. I've left SI quite a few times (without the "final goodbye") because of feeling like that.

Is it accurate? I don't know. Could be from issues I have stemming from FOO and the As. I don't know, I try to examine it and I'm so confused.

I do know that often I post and get no acknowledgement. So I just tell myself that it happens to everyone. Maybe just as often and I'm being sensitive.

So, I try to play devil's advocate in my head.

I do know someone tried to throw me one of those post parties- once. I think it was for 10,000. I was the only one that replied. I do post in F&G occasionally but honestly, it does seem like I'm the lame kid making jokes that fall flat at my feet.

Again, who knows...that darn perception thing. But it does hurt and I do often feel on the outside of things. At different points I had to leave because of how it hurt. But I come back because I have no place else to relieve some of my feelings. Not to MrH, not to "friends".

It's a dual edged sword.

(Disclaimer: I fully acknowledge my feelings may not be reality. They just feel darn real.)

(((((((Holly)))))))) Everything. You. Said. Me. Too. I even remember one of your threads about the "church ladies" and how you feel left out. I told you of my same feelings countless times. I oftentimes feel like I am the child with their nose pressed up against the window looking in on a room at how much fun they are having. No one is being mean to me. I just often feel like I am standing outside looking in.

It doesn't help that I often open my mouth and stick my foot right in it.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 11:50 AM, September 8th (Monday)]

Cliques as smaller groups within the whole happen anywhere. Whether they're exclusive or not depends on the people, and there really isn't any exclusive little groups here. The only instance I can even really consider as such was decisively disintegrated when it reached a critical mass of tolerable shitheadedness.

We all have different perspectives on these groups. If the clashing definitions didn't give it away THEN THERE IT IS. I have way too high a post count and most of those are barely coherent nonsense about fictional characters, beer or weird references to relatively obscure trivia; enough that apparently people look for some kind of secret code in that shit that I look over and think "Oh, I did say that" or "Wow, that WAS from Dr Who" and I admit that sometimes I just get all cryptic and shit to pretend I'm cooler than I am since that doesn't take much but anyway.

I am not really part of any group. I wander into the ICR-BM thread for a few weeks then poke around general, maybe look into JFO; different boards and threads seem to have different regulars. When you cross paths with folks across different forums it develops a certain familiarity, especially if posters reply to one another rather than a one-way following. Naturally, each of these 2 people as focal points are going to have additional shared posters, who are in turn their own focal points with similarly shared posters whose paths cross. Over time, even if this doesn't develop as a clique it certainly presents as one and it can almost feel like there's a secret handshake and some magical behind the scenes email list or hidden forum because how the hell do they all know what's going on and is that an in joke? When most of the time it's either a thread several people remember, or several people go digging after because they don't remember.

I've been to a G2G, met some wonderful folks there including an acclaimed NASA engineer responsible for the invention of both plastic sheeting AND the BIC lighter, but I don't really feel that I am in any kind of group. But maybe that's because I am really, really fucking weird and socially inept and easily distracted. I dunno.

eta:

Also, I think feeling rejected is going to be a regular theme because most of us came here feeling that way. We're sensitive to it, and unfortunately emotion can override reason sometimes.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 12:23 PM, September 8th (Monday)]

I do know that often I post and get no acknowledgement. So I just tell myself that it happens to everyone. Maybe just as often and I'm being sensitive.

So, I try to play devil's advocate in my head.

And me. Feel that. Also.

Trying to make a clique here, you understand. Anyone wanna be in my gang of normals

I admit I haven't read all the replies on this thread. I have been here off and on since August 2005 and considering how long I've been a member, my thread count of 7684 is pretty low.

I read a lot more than I reply, mostly because by the time I think of a response, someone else has done it better than I could. I also try not to respond if I see a lot of people swinging 2x4s - it feels like piling on.

Every so often I try to respond to someone in General or D/S if they haven't gotten a response, because I know how that feels. And if I can't relate at all to what they posted, I just try to say "I hear you and send strength and peace" hoping that someone will come along and address the situation.

I don't go in JFO because I get so mad and want to tell the BS to run far and fast. And I realize that is probably not what they want or really need to hear at that point.

I hang out in D/S, because that is my experience and NB, and Off Topic, because you can learn a lot of sh*t in that forum! I find that my humor just doesn't translate well and while I enjoy F&G, I don't participate much down there.

When I first joined, I was swimming in a sea of pain and sure that MY situation was different. I read how other members' marriages were and wondered why they waited for an A to leave. But then I learned that after you make the decision to let go, those rose colored glasses fall right off your face.

My marriage was not as wonderful as I had convinced myself it was. And I would probably still be married if my XWH hadn't filed for D. I didn't want to hear that advice and those 2x4s either here or in real life. I thought the advice was just some bitter divorced people wanting me to join their crowd!

Of course, now I know better. I never expected to be an XW, or have an XH. But I will tell you that the support and advice on this board has helped to save my life - even when I didn't ask for it and didn't want to hear it.

I am in complete awe of the WS on this board who "get it" and do the extremely hard work to R. They give me hope that an A does not have to be the end of a marriage.

And I have personally witnessed the MODs take very good care of the members here. They work hard as VOLUNTEERS to make this a safe and supportive place.

NL

Trying to make a clique here, you understand. Anyone wanna be in my gang of normals

I guess I'm out