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There is another post/thread going on. The BS is asking the whys, why why why.

I did that too, in the beginning. I thought if I had an answer, it would make all this shit better.

Well, I no longer care about the mental mumbo jumbo. It's just easier to realize he is an asswhole.

So now the hard work has begun. Why the hell did I put up with it? Where the hell were my boundaries? I used to have good boundaries, what happened?

I divorced the selfish, entitled, asswhole. I no longer care why because it really doesn't matter. He didn't deserve me and that's what matters. Working on me matters. Working on my boundaries, and teaching myself that his behavior, regardless of the reason, is what matters.

I've been doing emotional flip flops for a couple of days.

A good friend came through. She told me her real opinion of my X...how she really felt about him and the whys.

She saw so much that I didn't.

Granted, he has pretty bad PTSD, but just like an alcoholic, it's still about choice. His and mine. His to be an asswhole and treat me like shit when I was being so good to him. Me to excuse his behavior and actions because I felt sorry for him.

I've dealt with alcoholics...or rather I didn't deal with them if you KWIM. So now I have to apply that same behavior to anyone else, again, regardless of their affliction...especially if their affliction is cheatinassitis!

Still a work in progress, but busily reflecting and working out my grief for the loss of myself.

That's right, I finally figured out what I was so sad about and grieving...the loss of myself.

But I'm rebuilding myself into a better and healthier version!

Sounds like the talk with your friend really clarified some things for you. I read such strength in your post, honey. Good for you. ((((StillLivin))))

Thanks NIK. Yes, she saw what I didn't. She saw a woman bending over backwards to making her H happy. She saw the same man not respecting her friend and not doing a damn thing to make her friend to feel just as cherished. It was a talk from 8 at night until 2 in the morning.

Made me realize that my true friends see me as pretty awesome and that's always ego boosting.

But then the sads came on after she left. Couldn't figure out what the hell I was so sad about.

Started really reflecting. Like I said, I've lived with alcoholics. You can't control their behavior and actions but you can (to some extent I was still a child) control your own actions and what you will and won't put up with. As an adult, I had the choice to be strong and walk or stay in the M. I used to think unless a man physically abuses me, there was no reason to leave. It took me a while to realize there are other forms of abuse and I was living it.

Still grieving, but now I'm back on track to rebuilding myself. I guess that was the last thing I still had to grieve so I could let it go!

Oh, and thank you too tired girl! I know you didn't post here, but your love by phone is felt and appreciated!!!

It's scary how we not only NOT see it when we're in the thick of it but also for quite a while afterwards.

I've only read my early posts once and I'm astonished by how focussed on him I was. Even then. Even during the most agonising time of my life.

What was he thinking? What was he doing? Why was he doing it?

Was I blind? Sick? Hurting? Or was I distracting myself from accepting my part in it by tolerating such unbelievably bad behaviour. Like a gambler I knew I was screwed, I still kept throwing good money after bad because I didn't want to lose my initial investment. I just couldn't believe it. I still find it hard to believe sometimes.

The girls love to hear stories about when they were babies - this triggers me still. Not because of memories of him but because of memories of his absence, the distance between us and how desperately unhappy I was. Also how desperately I tried to hide it.

I love this post, my friend. You've articulated what so many of us have been through and you've also helped light the path for those who are right now in the thick of it.

ETA - GOLD!!

especially if their affliction is cheatinassitis!

[This message edited by SBB at 7:13 PM, October 15th (Wednesday)]

Glad to hear you got it. It took me awhile and more than one friend to show me the light.

It is so freeing when we can get past them and work on ourselves. I think it is another step to healing.

OMG Thank you so much for this post, especially now.

That's right, I finally figured out what I was so sad about and grieving...the loss of myself.

YES YES YES!!!!!!!

As an adult, I had the choice to be strong and walk or stay in the M. I used to think unless a man physically abuses me, there was no reason to leave. It took me a while to realize there are other forms of abuse and I was living it.

Yes indeed. My WH came from a FOO full of physical abuse. He really believed that the fact that he didn't hit us meant that he was a good husband/father.

and the responses......

Like a gambler I knew I was screwed, I still kept throwing good money after bad because I didn't want to lose my initial investment.

This was me. His first A was after 21 years of marriage. 21 years was a long time to have invested. I agreed to R. Now, 9 years later and after 30 years of marriage, his 2nd A, I have a whole lot more invested. During those 9 years I have to admit I often felt that I had "settled" but I made the best of it. I found ways to make myself happy and accepted that I would never in my life experience a relationship where I felt truly loved and cherished.

He's gone and we are divorcing and I tell myself that maybe now, maybe one day I too may experience a loving relationship (from both sides not just mine).

It is so freeing when we can get past them and work on ourselves. I think it is another step to healing.

this is what I will focus on now.

Thank you SL.

tts

Bravo!

My ex has mental health issues (caused by his addiction issues). Im only 6 months out of our 16yr relationship. I am grateful that he cheated twice, gave me the wakeup call I needed to leave.

Thank you all. I enjoy my life again and the kidsare happy and healthy.

I only have one thing to say to all of this, YES!

I've been busy the last few days or I would have responded sooner.

I love this post, my friend. You've articulated what so many of us have been through and you've also helped light the path for those who are right now in the thick of it.

A lot of these realizations I came to several months ago. I just couldn't figure out why I had the case of the boo hoos. I guess I had to rehash and further process some things and then grieve for myself. I had grieved for everything and everyone else but me.

I am grateful that he cheated twice, gave me the wakeup call I needed to leave.

So true. I would have stayed if I hadn't found out about the A. As long as I thought it was his PTSD making him act like a mental disorder patient I would have remained loyal to an asswhole. He set me free when I realized it was just wayward behavior. He did me an extremely painful behavior.

Thank you all for responding.

Mine did me a favour too. I thought the first A was caused by bad choices related to stress and burnout in a stressful job. The second one showed me that no, he is an immoral, dishonest scumbag whom I am way better off without.

tts

I think this is something many of BS have in common. Our WS treatment of us (in a lot of cases I've seen) gave us reasons separate and apart from the cheating. The cheating just helped sever emotional connections that were hard for us to break otherwise.

I'm only now accepting that my marriage is over. Thanks to everyone for posting their thoughts because this is what I (not the original "poster" needs to hear).

My WS is an asshole. He just finished yelling at me for not wanting to move to another city so he could rebuild his life. What a coward.

I am empowered by your experiences and words of wisdoem. It needs to be about me and my kids and not him.

Thank you.

[This message edited by BetrayedCat at 12:47 AM, October 19th (Sunday)]

I think this is something many of BS have in common. Our WS treatment of us (in a lot of cases I've seen) gave us reasons separate and apart from the cheating. The cheating just helped sever emotional connections that were hard for us to break otherwise.

Exactly. I told myself that if I had known he was cheating, I would have left sooner. The thing is, it shouldn't have had to take that much to be my line in the sand. I DID leave when I found out it was cheating, but really, I should have respected myself enough to say, "Stop. Enough" much sooner. I had to grieve that woman that let herself be hurt even more. I hadn't given myself permission to grieve and forgive myself that I stayed as long as I did.

I remember once the look of absolute horror on the nurses face when I went to the ER for a life threatening issue and explained that my husband refused to take me to the ER because he wanted to finish his Football Madden game. That was almost a year before his 3 year LTA affair even started.

There were so many other huge red flags. Yet, I ignored them because I thought it was normal. It was normal for me. I don't know when it became normal. Still working on how that happened to me.

But, I am not that woman anymore. I will never again love myself less than another human being. Never. There has to be a healthy boundary where I cut off a relationship if I start experiencing things that I shouldn't have to experience.

My old mantra was that, "If someone does something to you that you would never do to them, it's time to walk." Now I've graduated to something healthier, "If I find myself in a relationship where the other person isn't equally as giving and equally as invested as I am, then it's time to let go and find someone who thinks I am worth investing in as much."

I don't know how much more of a journey it will be to healing, but I've learned so much about myself since this shit happened.

(((Betrayed Cat))), don't let him treat you this way and love yourself. Your WS is just an asswhole too!

Gosh, I see some of these WS that really get it, and I have so much respect for them for working so hard to fix their emptiness and work so hard to try and help their BSs heal. Amazing, absolutely amazing. Sucks that my X is a complete f...ing idjat and a selfish asswhole to boot. Tee hee hee, I'm glad he is stuck with someone equally as rotten as himself. Shrek can gladly have him.

Thank you for this post. I am slowly getting it. But posts like this help to restate what I sometimes forget or hide from.

(((Mochagurl)))

It's the most hurtful thing in the world coming to the realization that somebody you loved more than anything else in the world didn't feel the same way as you. There is nothing you can do but pull back from the toxicity of that kind of relationship and then work on yourself. Your "whys?"

Why did I stay, Why didn't I see it for what it was, when I did see it, why did I refuse to see what his actions were screaming at me? Why didn't I love myself more? Why why why.

It's a process, sometimes you move forward by leaps and bounds, other time you may fall backwards off the cliff. Just remember, even taking two steps forward and one back is progress!

I left way too late too.. The affair was just the straw that broke the camal's back. Hell, I left within a month and filed within two.. Maybe I was relieved I wasn't as crazy as he was making me feel.. F'ing asshole.

Maybe The Cheaters Handbook really does need to be published so that naive trusting loving people don't get suckered by these soulless leeches..

It's ridiculously sick how much we put up with to "honor our vows" to them.. I have faith they will be eternally punished if they don't repent..

Meaning, I don't even have a glass of water I can give ya Mr. Ex.. Enjoy your eternity suffering in Dantes Inferno for your sins.. Wish you coulda had some remorse, but I'll live..

StillLivin, thanks, most days I am ok. But right now I just can't dig myself out. I have to move forward on the divorce. My kids say they wanted us divorced for years. And I'm not doing it because they say so, they just opened my eyes.

I too have found out that most of our friends don't understand how I stayed with him this long. I did love him more than life, more than probably is healthy. If am taking this alone time to find who I am. But it's still hard being replaced.

Divorcing him his going to be very hard not because I am so attached, I have been working on detaching for a long time. But because he is so manipulative to me.

I am scared to go through that. It's the unknown. And that's why we have been together this long.

Sorry I went off a totally different way than the post.

I too have found out that most of our friends don't understand how I stayed with him this long.

I've been getting this too. Hell, as I take a really honest look back over our 30 years of marriage I don't understand why I stayed either.

I think it's an insidious thing that creeps up on us. If someone were to spell out to us exactly how our spouses were going to treat us, what we would be willing to put up with, we would think they were crazy. I for one would have run for the hills. But it's not something that happens all at once. It creeps in to a marriage and unfortunately, when we allow the behaviour, it escalates over the years.

I loved him and I allowed that to blinker me. My idea of love is obviously very different to his because it includes respect and loyalty.

Something I find really interesting is that now, when I stand back and take a good long look at the man with my 30 years of intimate knowledge ....... he's not even someone I would choose to have as a friend.

Something to discuss in ic me thinks.

tts