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I have to agree with tushnurse and confused. Focus on your WW. OM is a scumbag, but he doesn't owe you any loyalty. This is on your WW.

Also, while I agree that you don't have to continue to post here, please remember that you would have never got the truth from your ww if you hadn't continued to post here.

Please at least consider continuing to post. You need help and there are a lot of people willing to give it.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best.

You didn't exchange vows with the OM, you didn't make a lifelong commitment of fidelity to the OM, you didn't start and raise a family with OM - stop focusing on the OM when there's a whopping great big elephant in the room.

He has had an affair before (according to Edith)

You're going hell for leather to OM on Edith's word that he is some sort of "predator" - come on, you should know by now that her word means fuck all. She is manipulating you - AGAIN.

I see texts where he drove a wedge between my wife and I.

I think your wife having sex with OM, and her stoking the flames willingly while lying to your face would do that quite adequately... Did you see any texts where she valiantly defended you and say he was talking crap? Thought not, she was probably slagging you off behind your back to OM too.

The person who is answerable to you in all this is WW, and yet again, you are making up excuses, like she would have *never* strayed if it wasn't for that rotten, tootin' OM coming onto her, preying on her like a wolf onto a kitten.

She is crushed and horrified by her actions and the revelation, at last of the truth.

In other words, she is upset that her admission of "one time and that was it" wasn't enough for you to stop the poly, and it was revealed to be a dirty fat lie.

If you want OM out of your life for good, then strict NC, because if you're trying to fiddle with the OM while Rome burns, your WW is free, with her unresolved issues, to find someone else to fill the void while you are preoccupied.

Go NC with OM, and sort it out with your missus.

NP5

Brother, I know you are hurting, but man, you are still off in your own fantasy world. Edith is not devastated by the realization she did something wrong - she is devastated by the fact it NOW has been revealed - AFTER LIE AFTER LIE AFTER LIE.

I am not trying to add fuel to fire, but this is the woman who FLAT OUT TOLD YOU A FEW MONTHS AGO THAT SHE GOES TO IC TO "LEARN TO LIVE WITH YOU."

I am all for making OM pay. They are scum. No other way to put it. Crush him like a bug.

But you are going back to your default settings of feeling bad for Edith when it is clear - SHE HATES YOU. She was happy fucking another man over and over and over, then lying, then integrating him into your life and the LIVES OF YOUR CHILDREN.

I wish I could be gentle here, but you need to wake up. She is totally fucked up. She has destroyed lives. And you are right back to defending her and saying she is NOW devastated. (Sorry, but how is this any different from the dozen other times you have posted that she was devastated by what she did?)

I get that it is easier to hate OM than her. But you need to focus where the damage originated. It originated from a lying, manipulative, adulteress wife who was happy to destroy your family for a good time romp with her loverboy.

I hate what this is doing to you and what you appear to be doing to yourself. Please, PLEASE for your kids sake, QUIT IT. Quit defending her. Quit making excuses. Quit deflecting.

I cannot tell you what will happen, but I can tell you this. If you go back to your default coping mechanisms, this is just the beginning of the destruction for you and your family.

Please stop it.

my wrath turns for the time being to the OM

Damn she is good, I will give her that....

One hell of a manipulator, all I can say is this.

There are two types of people in this world

The guys like you and me, the workers, the realists, the providers, 9-5 guys, the guys that love their wives, their kids, and try to provide a stable place so they can nourish. Far from perfect but try.

Then there are the other kind, the Musician, the Artist, the Poet, the Writer, and the actor.

These are people, that can flip the mattress but can't flip the bills for themselves much less a a spouse or a family, and need the other type of the people live a decent life.

Unfortunately because of their unrealistic ideas of what life should be they end up more like an invasive species, that destroys the the habitat (home), environment, (relationship and Family) and depletes the resources. (divorce finances)

Half of the time they will say they are a "writer/actors/poets/musicians" while working as a Barista, bartender or a waiter.

They always present themselves as some one they are not. They are charmers, and they tend to be more animated than us squares, they are also attractive and good looking.

But they are very calculated, and know how to work people, what buttons to push, and emotional string to strike.

Why do I describe this? Because the OM may fit these descriptions, but the truth is I am talking about your wife.

Your wife, as shown very little action, to demonstrate remorse, and has provided you an escape of what you "ideally" would want out of a wife. Which would be remorse, transparency, honesty and has not even done so, in any way shape or form.

The OM did not prey on your wife, your wife preyed on YOU, and the simple fact that in spite of everything, you are going after HIM......shows how cunning and manipulative she is.

Even faced with all you have, you still are misplacing your anger and wrath, she has you right where she wants you and has had you, before and after the Poly.

Some people are sheep some are wolves, your wife is wolf that has you convinced she is a sheep.

I wish you luck, but GET IN IC RIGHT NOW..

IC FOR YOU, FOR YOUR KIDS, and as a FAMILY FOR YOU AND YOUR KIDS.

Your wife needs you more than you need her, it is her survival, you have said it your self you are "wealthy" (stability)

She is a Cake eater......

Get STD tested

Get a Vasectomy

Get your self and kids to counseling/therapy as fast as you can. Please, and be honest in your IC of all the facts as they are.......

Read the last two posts...over and over..and over again,np5.

Lots of tears and pleading...this time is very different.

Tushnurse and others who followed my story: this sounds very familiar, no? NP5, this was me. It pains me to read this. As I told you in my PM, be prepared for this to go one of two ways: anger and resentment from her or begging and pleading. For now she has taken this route, as she knows that you are kind and want more than anything to reconcile. And as I also warned: you are in a vulnerable place. I know, no two stories are identical. But please take heed when I tell you I could have written your words. The begging, the tears... I bought it. Again and again and it's only taken me two years away from this curse of a person to realize that these were performances--performances to shut me up, put me back in my submissive place so she could continue to cake-eat. The anger, blameshifting, resentment and marital rewrite made their grand entrances after she saw that I was finally serious--that I was done. And I never saw a damn tear after.

NP5, I hate to be so cynical--and I am being careful not to project myself entirely onto you--but I am very concerned that you are being set up for a terrible fall.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 12:12 PM, May 7th (Thursday)]

np5, your post is concerning. First, the Alienation of Affection - if he has nothing, you'll get nothing. Sure, on paper you'll win, but you won't see any of the money. How would he pay you? This kind of thing happens all the time - people being sued and then not paying because they don't have the money. The real concern here is how long you'll allow OM to be in your life. First, there will be getting all of the information on the A, and keeping it, and going through all of it time and again. It will be like picking a scab for a year or more. Then the court hearing, where you sit and explain to strangers all of the things your wife and OM did, and make no mistake about it, you will absolutely be discussing all of it - more scab picking. Then, you win. Hooray - 2 years after giving OM head space every day, you win. Now, you start battling for collections. More years, more discussing OM, more more more. If he had money, sure, hit him in the wallet, but you're going to allow this POS OM to be a focal point in your life for years with this lawsuit.

Trust me, I know. My fWH's AP lives in an Alienation of Affection state. I thought about going after her, but she also has nothing, and I didn't want my life to be about getting cash from a broke nothing.

Also, even if you win (which you probably would), this doesn't affect him at all. This isn't a criminal issue, it's civil. It wouldn't prevent him from getting or keeping a job, or anything else. In the end, it's a giggle to him that you're trying to sue him for having sex with your wife, and it's a drain on you mentally, physically and financially. Please, at least think about these things.

Second, the OM should NOT be your focus. Your WW is the one that had an obligation to you. I understand how easy it is to shift focus to OM/OW. It shields us from owning that someone we love could betray us this way. Find another party to blame, and we don't need to focus on what is really important, that being our own spouse and their capacity to betray and hurt. Don't get me wrong, I don't think you'll find anyone here that is besties with the WS's AP, but focusing on them when our own WS is the one that decided that betraying us for their own fun was ok should remain the focus. Please don't let her twist what happened into her being a victim - she isn't, she was a willing participant in the EA, the PA, and lying to you for many months. That wasn't OM, that was your WW.

This fact doesn't mean you cannot reconcile. You can, but she must own her part in this and dig deep to discover why she decided to cheat, why she lied for so long, and start working on how she will create stronger, healthier boundaries for herself in the future in order for her to be a safe partner. Her joining you in mentally lynching OM doesn't do any of that. You really need to do the real work on this one, as does she. If that doesn't happen, the risk of a second DDay is very, very real.

Please don't lose focus. The goal here is your marriage, or not. It's not the OM. It's not a lawsuit. It's not letting your wife vent her frustrations on her victimhood. It's your life, your well being, the home your children live in, and the parents they have.

NP5. People are going to suggest moderation.

I am completely different man. Scorch the earth. Salt the fields. Destroy him in every legal capacity that you are capable of. Go after the school saying that the enabled this behavior. Destroy anyone who has touched him. Depose his family.

Do this all with a smile on your face. Don't forget that it was your WIFE who chose to take on a boyfriend, and to open her legs to him. Be a stone cold, cool assassin.

Also, go dark here. I'm with you. Focus your entirety on making your family complete, and probably moving on from your "wife" (who as I type would probably be underneath him than dealing with you... in her heart). Do it all with a smile.

I feel so, so badly for your kids. By staying with their sociopathic mother, you are setting them up for a lifetime of pain.

While Edith and I have a lot to deal with, my wrath turns for the time being to the OM.

I think this is normal. A lot of experience a lot of rage towards the AP when we're hit with a dday (or for you, a subsequent dday). We don't have to live with them, we don't have to face them, we don't have to face a future with them. They're frozen in tiime. Coupled with that, our only knowledge/interactions are those that destroyed us. Of course we rage at them. Our lives, before them, were normal. After them, our lives are in rubble.

Just don't forget who opened that door for him to enter and who helped him plant the bombs and pull the trigger. Edith was no victim, do not let her spin tales of how he seduced her. Do not.

Rage, have wrath, have fury. File suit.

Why does he still have contact with your daughter? is he still at their school? without a doubt I would contact the school and say he is making inappropriate comments to your daughter.

Will you be withdrawing your children from that school? I think it'll be far better for their mental health to not have any possibility of contact with him, especially considering how Edith has already put them in the middle of her affair.

I would caution if you do go after him with a lawsuit, you do keep in mind what confused said about him having material on your wife. He may not be able to sue her, but he could ruin her career. Or yours. So if you feel the nee to go after him, go for it - but be aware of what might happen as well.

Uggh!!!

Why is it that my natural response to anything is not the SI consensus. It's like I have a gene or something in me that says, "Do exactly the opposite of what will help you regarding infidelity."

Normally, I can think things out and do what's right. Why am I so screwed up dealing with this shit!!! I guess I just don't understand crazy.

OK. I'll forget about the OM, though it pains me to release this homewrecker back into the lambs' pasture. (OK, OK, my wife is no lamb--it was her idea the first time to meet up and have intercourse). Edith did NOT want me to go after him. She all agrees with you (for once!) regarding the lawsuit and she says we need to focus on getting us better, if I will have her. You all have good points, especially painfulpast, so I'll forget about it, but it doesn't make me feel any better! Also, calling OM a predator is not accurate. He saw a weak horse and tailored a message and plan to split her off from me. He did so and she bought it hook, line, and sinker. She lapped that poison up and then was blaming me when she became sick and sicker.

We are both in IC and have been for some time. The last hook up was 8-4, so although she broke NC, the affair was tapering and Edith did not meet up with him after that. The night out with BFF did not involve the OM. Polygraph confirms this. She was just stupid and uncaring by doing that. My IC has a plan for IC for the oldest 3 kids.

Edith and I are still not separated enough to have to spill the beans to the kids. They know we are having a huge disagreement, but they do not know the depth of it. I'm pretty sure they know it is because of the OM.

And another thing, I am still so damn pissed at my wife! No, I'm not letting her off this time. This was so far beyond the pale wrong, I am astonished. Mouth agape, utterly incredulous, never in my life, impossible to fathom type of hurt. She was out of her mind crazy and cruel and selfish. No rug is big enough to sweep it under. No mitigating factor large enough, no reason or logic at all to justify. Just overwhelming pain and disappointment. Damn it Edith, how could you do this to our family!!!

[This message edited by notperfect5 at 1:27 PM, May 7th (Thursday)]

I will say this, as a trial attorney.

You won't win an alienation of affection case, and in fact you will lose (not just the case, but personally). Do you really want to have your pain and loss, combined with all the ugly details become public record? Do you need to be answering questions on the record about how all the trickle truth - thing about that - ALL THE TRICKLE TRUTH really didn't hurt your marriage as much as the affair itself? How much pain was because he was screwing Edith? How much was because she was lying to you?

Judges, court reporters, other counsel, your attorney, other witnesses he chooses to call, hell he could even demand a jury, all get up on all the sordid details. It could take years to sort out.

Meanwhile some of those people will sit back and wonder the same thing many people here just wondered: why are you focusing on the other man, instead of focusing on your marriage.

Ultimately, such a lawsuit will cause you immense pain and shame. It will do the same to your wife. It might make him uncomfortable too.. so what?

NP5, this lawsuit isn't just a bad idea, it is insanity.

ETA: we cross posted. Wise decision.

[This message edited by Didact at 1:26 PM, May 7th (Thursday)]

Why is it that my natural response to anything is not the SI consensus. It's like I have a gene or something in me that says, "Do exactly the opposite of what will help you regarding infidelity."

No, you don't have that gene. You are still in love with her, which is natural. Love takes time to develop, and it takes time to die. I'm not saying your should or will die, but it does make sense that you do still love her. This is why you want to do things that are the polar opposite to what you should do - you want to protect that love and the image of the woman you fell in love with. It's hard to reconcile the love you feel to the person that betrayed you.

Edith did NOT want me to go after him. She all agrees with you (for once!)

Um, not quite. We may be ending up at the same place, but her reasons are very different. She doesn't want her dirty laundry on display, and it would be. She wants to keep this quiet, and she wants it to just go away. We want you to focus on healing. She's saying the right things, but she's been doing that all along. She knows how to twist your thinking - that she's proven.

You all have good points, especially painfulpast, so I'll forget about it, but it doesn't make me feel any better!

Thanks, and I'm glad you're walking away from this. You have years to file, should you so choose, but as I asked before, what will you gain? You'll spend money you'll never get back, and far worse is the damage you'll continue to do to your healing as you spend countless hours suing a loser that doesn't have a shot in hell of paying you, and in the end it won't even affect him at all.

I am still so damn pissed at my wife! No, I'm not letting her off this time. This was so far beyond the pale wrong,

Now! Finally!

You are getting somewhere.....

Take your time figuring out how you want to proceed, as your true D-Day just happened you are still very raw.

Also I forgot, while you may not want to go after him in the Suit

OUT HIM AND HER YOU DON'T NEED TO SUE HIM FOR THAT

[This message edited by Igotthis at 1:32 PM, May 7th (Thursday)]

She was out of her mind crazy

No.

You have said this before..and she said this after the polygraph.

Just.No.

She was not crazy. Saying she was crazy sounds like you are minimizing her responsibility in all of this. That, somehow, she couldn't help it, it was out of her control.

She was not mentally ill.

She has been gaslighting you, abusing you for months...she wasn't crazy then.

She was lying. Selfish, and cruel. And cheating.

She was choosing to do what she did. ALL of it. Not because she was crazy...but because she wanted to.

Im not sure if you have thought of it yet, but you need to be tested for STD's. Her too. Immediately.

Im sorry you're in so much pain. I know you don't want read some of these posts, because they are telling you to do the opposite of what you think you should do. Please know, we are trying to help minimize your pain. Of course you are dying inside. But there are steps you can take that will help you to not cause yourself any more pain. Please listen.

No.

You have said this before..and she said this after the polygraph.

Just.No.

She was not crazy. Saying she was crazy sounds like you are minimizing her responsibility in all of this. That, somehow, she couldn't help it, it was out of her control.

She was not mentally ill.

She has been gaslighting you, abusing you for months...she wasn't crazy then.

She was lying. Selfish, and cruel. And cheating.

She was choosing to do what she did. ALL of it. Not because she was crazy...but because she wanted to.

Im not sure if you have thought of it yet, but you need to be tested for STD's. Her too. Immediately.

This

She was calculated in every step, and religiously kept to plan.

OM may have been just a manipulated as you were, are and are currently being.

Ever think of that??

( it was her I idea to meet up and bang wasn't it??)

She was not crazy.

I get what confused is saying here, but I also understand what np5 meant. Not clinically, couldn't appreciate right from wrong, insane. But "crazy" in the colloquial sense that word is usually used. As in, majorly screwed up, lost, and off the rails.

In that sense, she was indeed crazy. They all are/were.

Um, not quite. We may be ending up at the same place, but her reasons are very different. She doesn't want her dirty laundry on display, and it would be.

I agree with this. I'd also add Edith's reasons are likely wanting to protect him. Regardless of what comes out of her mouth, she's still in a fog.

In that sense, she was indeed crazy

By your definition..yes..I agree with you.

However,np5 has a history of blaming everyone and everything else for his WW's actions. So, Im not really sure which kind of crazy he is referring to.