SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'd also add Edith's reasons are likely wanting to protect him

I disagree - Edith is about protecting Edith.

I've never been a believer in the 'protecting the BS' line. Sure, maybe if the BS has no clue about the A, but after, when the BS is begging for info, and the WS just lies and lies and lies, that's about protecting the WS, to the very real detriment of the BS.

Edith does NOT want do stand in front of strangers while her dirty sexts and whatnot are displayed for all the world to see. She may particularly not want np5 to see all of this, but that is to protect Edith, not np5, imo.

OK. I'll forget about the OM, though it pains me to release this homewrecker back into the lambs' pasture.

I will go against the postings here and I would go after him...in some legal fashion.

He needs to be outed, he needs the hell out of your community.

He is no ordinary OM, he was a music teacher of your children and other married women's children. This is a bit different that a coworker or some guy in a bar.

He taught your children. I would at the very least get him out of your community and out him in some way. Legally, without illegal threats. But get him out of there.

I think what he did because he is/was a teacher makes it much worse.

I actually meant protecting the aP. I don't think edith is capable of thinking of protecting np5 her bs, yet.

But yes, protecting herself as well. It'd be exhausting to then have to manipulate all those people as well.

Lark, totally agree with that!!! Sorry for misreading :)

NH5,

It is time to expose and dumb this sick creature.

I support you to get back and take this SOB down. Do whatever it takes to kick him out of school and let him pay as much as you can. You will always regret not doing anything to him. Regarding your sick wife kick her ass and divorce her. Work on yourself and find someone whom you can share the rest of your life that can cherish and love you. Just dumb her that will be the biggest punishment and don't forget to expose.

You want to think about your children and what they will face, unfortunately they have such a reckless and low life mother. The worst thing, you can move away, and leave all this sickness behind for you and your children sake.

Also, calling OM a predator is not accurate. He saw a weak horse and tailored a message and plan to split her off from me. He did so and she bought it hook, line, and sinker. She lapped that poison up and then was blaming me when she became sick and sicker.

Take it from an ex-teacher here, after 32 years of teaching physics and chemistry (not necessary to teach the arts as someone said before), kids will idealize a teacher they have a liking to, they will talk about that teacher over diner and gradually the parent, the mother, in all of my cases, develops a pervasive curiosity about the teacher.

If that mother is not happy in her marriage or feels abandoned because the husband is often gone on business trips, she starts to fantasize about that teacher, comes to visit him on every parent-teacher night, is flirty during her visits and leaves the teacher personnal info (which I could have gotten in her child's file anytime), then you know that you have someone ready for an affair. I have had half a dozen during my teaching days (mothers, not affairs).

In one specific case, even 2 years after I was retired, I met the mother in a hardware store (on a Wednesday morning) and the first thing she told me was "Hi! How are you? My husband is gone on a business trip and he won't be back until Saturday?" WTF? When you describe Edith as a poor little victim, I think of that mother and I say to you

NP5, your wife is broken and you better get her fixed. This is not about you or the OM, it's about EDITH.

I can only pray that things go well for you. Just remember

"A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets." Old Rose from the movie Titanic

Your reactions are the same as most BS.

We love our WS, and cannot understand why they did this.

We vacillate between the love we felt, the anger we feel, and disbelief at what has happened. Where, we wonder, did our WS go? What did we do wrong?

It sounds counter-intuitive to be told that we did nothing wrong. It sounds counter-intuitive to be told that we cannot nice our spouses back to us.

You are doing great.

This not easy. I would suggest:

1. Ignoring the lawsuit. I am a lawyer, and it would allow you to depose the OM, but it really isn't worth it.

2. Finding out if you have the truth. You have the poly results

3. Once you are sure you have the complete truth, you can decide what you want to do. You don't have to decide today or tomorrow. Tlak to your IC. To your frineds.

4. Have your WS try to tell you why. And the why can't be something like "I was stupid". She needs to dig - to understand. There was some of that in her last post - she needs to do more of that.

Be well.

Np5,

I don't think your initial reaction is wrong AT ALL. I truly think that we put a large part of our anger (once the anger stage hits) on the AP for two reasons.

#1: You don't have a history of love and good memories with the AP.

#2: The AP isn't crying, begging for forgiveness, or trying to repair a relationship with you.

It's like a stranger walked up to you, stabbed you, and then walked away without an apology. However, once the pain settles in, you'll be even more angry with Edith because it does hurt more coming from someone who was supposed to love you. Especially if you try to R and find yourself needing to be vulnerable to her and trust her again.

However, the faster you can force yourself to detach from the AP, the faster you will get through this. It's been 3 years since my Ws's A ended and I can truly say that I feel ambivalent most of the time about the AP. Sometimes I even feel sorry for her because she is still very broken.

My tactic after the second Dday, after my husband emailed a NC letter to the OW while cc'ing me, was to email her and let her know that I thought they must love each other very much and that I had no intention of interfering in their relationship, that our marriage was over and that I looked forward to meeting her. I told my WS to go to her. Then I sat back and watched him work his ass off to save our marriage. She never heard from him again. Think about how much that hurt her. To think that I had given him to her and he STILL didn't want her. That's the only level of revenge a BS can have. To let the AP know that there was NOTHING standing in the way and the WS still maintained NC.

Hugs to you and the kids and Edith too. She's a mess and I hope she gets better. Maybe point her to SoSorry17's posts. That woman has made quite a transformation. But don't settle for ANYTHING but the transformed Edith!

I while I think the lawsuit is a step too far, by all means go scorched earth in terms of exposure.

I am so sorry you are going through this! Good luck, and stay strong!

sorry but bump .....

I am making it through the days.

At times Edith can make me laugh and it is comforting to hold her sometimes. Other times I am so mad at her I can't even look at her.

We are sleeping together because I want the occasional touch that only she can give me for comfort. But then the thoughts flood back and I am in despair and intense pain and I sob for a while.

We have had some very long talks. I can't work on my marriage right now. Not after we went to MC 10 months ago and she was continuing the affair while pretending to work on our marriage. I did some deep introspection and I did some deep digging. She was just pretending so the affair could continue.

I don't know if I can R this time. I spent every last dime of my love and emotional energy on the previous reconciles, which she promptly tossed in the trash. Which is where I feel I am now. In the dumpster with all the shit sandwiches I have been eating for the past two years.

we are still here for you brother.

have you considered a modified 180? Give yourself some room to breathe.fix you first.

Strength

I can't work on my marriage right now

And you shouldn't be. It's clear that she thinks right now is the time to deal with her problems with you in the marriage. And that's bullshit. She has basically set your house on fire, and is now running around yelling because she didn't like the color of the carpets.

Fuck that.

Don't work on the marriage. Truthfully, there is no marriage to work on. She needs to work on herself first...as do you. You need to process and deal and grieve.

Watch her actions. See if she is worthy of R. 180. Detach.

(((NP5)))

Right now you just have to concentrate on you and getting through the next hour and the next ...

Sadly this is DDay all over again and you have to treat it and yourself the way you should have 2 years ago, rest, cry, eat a little, hydrate a lot and be kind to yourself.

You don't dust the curtain rods when a grenade just exploded in the living room. You shouldn't be working on "your" issues in the marriage, no matter how annoying they may be. Keep in mind that she has spent the past several years making mountains out of molehills in her head in order to justify her behavior.

You focus on your healing. If you decide to attempt reconciliation (and frankly, I don't think she's a good candidate), you can look at your issues in a few years.

I urge you to, at the time and the foreseeable future, focus on healing yourself and the kids. Let her work on herself, if she chooses so. Let her try to rebuild your love for her, if she chooses to. At the same time, keep in touch with the lawyer, have a VAR on you, document the care for the kids, make sure you don't get her pregnant.

After a while, once you will have healed to some degree, start thinking whether you want to R or D.

Please, keep PM-ing with people on this site.

Best wishes!

np5 -

Time for some tough love:

- she does not love you. What she has done you do not do to someone that you love. Period.

- You are clinging to her for a placebo of love. It is ultimately not fulfilling. You need a healthy diet and are confusing the handful of Skittles that you're living on as Kale and chicken breast.

You will NEVER get better living with someone who doesn't love you. You need to move on with your life.

eric1-

I think deep down inside he knows, like deep down inside he knew what the Poly would reveal, but until he is forced with it in his face he opts not to acknowledge it..

I think his sadness is not from the affair or betrayal or even the devastation it has caused, but that he feels resigned to his fate, 5 kids Bro, you do the math...All under the age of 16. Love or no love bailing is going to be a cluster fuck (even if it is possible) anyway you cut it, for the kiddos, for them, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually...Hell both BS and WS are going to be fucked financially... (even if they make good money.)

Therapy is not easy (some health insurances cover it) but for 5 kiddos? as a family? individually? for BS? Forget cost, just the time alone for all of them.

he has a lot on his plate let him take one day at a time......

Also NP5 on going after, OM

I had re-read what I said what I meant was the Lawsuit would be a waste of time, not to waste resources on that.

But going after him? Yes, please do, Expose him, expose your wife....Burn them both professionally

and personally.

Thats what I meant

For that you do not need a lawsuit, a lawyer or a court room.

It may be therapeutic even...