SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Must say I agree with eric1.

You are sleeping with her???

Your behavior is masochistic.

For your own sanity you need to detach from this woman.

She is slowly killing you.

((NP))

You have got to stop reaching for the person that has destroyed you to feel comfort.

That is such wickedly co dependent behavior, and is completely unhealthy.

Stop being nice to her. Even if you ultimately want to R, you need to see some action from her. Not to continue to eat up the tiny kibbles of attention she gives you when you are destroyed.

NONE of here R'd with our spouses by being nice and waiting for them to get it.

Honestly I believe Edith does not even come close to getting it. She is still in damage control mode. The positive attention she gives you makes you feel somewhat safe. IT's destroying your strength.

Get pissed. Rely on YOU for comfort. When you realize you don't need her, it puts you in a position of realizing that you don't have to tolerate on iota of her manipulations, blameshifting, rugsweeping, abuse.

That my friend will make you feel strong, and will make you strong.

Righteous Angry can Fuel, and motivate you, u get angry then cave, stay angry, until she gets it.

How?

Journal, actions, what she has down, make a timeline, truth, if it is repetition of the same thing she did over and over, write down each instance.

Refer to it when you feel your self caving....Let it fan your flames....

Right now you are either your biggest ally or enemy.

How you proceed is up to you.

Edith's focus needs to be on your healing, the children's healing, her personal issues, and HER issues from before the A. I guarantee she was NOT the perfect wife pre-A. A good wife doesn't choose an A to deal with her problems. She was already a self-centered mess beforehand and she needs to get that straight. Talking about anything else to do with the M just proves that she is still a mess. Sleeping with her before she is a safe partner is rugsweeping. She is still making ridiculous excuses for her behavior. She choose to live a double life. And involve your children. And blame you for it. If the A is punishment for your issues, what is her punishment for the lies? Nothing? A few arguments? An embarrassing conversation with poly admin? She should write a book about how to have an A, gaslight and blame your BS, and still get to keep your family, home, and finances. She's not going to do the work unless you force her. Do you want to R with someone you have to FORCE to do the work?

It hurts to see how weak and how little self respect you have...

She is crushed and horrified by her actions and the revelation, at last of the truth.

No, she is not.

You will never divorce your wife.You cannot divorce your wife. Your natural instincts are so bad regarding her that you should be extinct several times by now.

Accept the reality, acknowledge your weakness and work from there.

NP5,

Sending you strength. My prayer for you is to stop thinking you can fix this, and to stop thinking your superior intellect can find a rational solution.

YOU CANNOT FIX HER.

Has she apologized about the constant lies, ones that she gave straight to your face? Has she apologized for the integration of OM into your children's lives? Has she explained why she can go out clubbing as "sick" as she claims to be? Has she apologized for the shitty comments about you? Has she done one real thing to fix her soullessness and deep hatred of you?

Or has she said (over and over) that you did not see her hurt, that she needed to screw the OM because it was just so wonderful to be "heard," or blame your family or whatever?

I get that you want to fix this for your kids. We all do. But you cannot fix her.

Immeshing yourself in her brokenness is not going to help anyone, especially your kids.

Were any of the poly questions regarding the last contact she's had with him?

Edith isn't at a point she can work together with you on anything. So don't reach out to her. it's just hurftul to you, because she already knows how to manipulate you - whether she's doing it consciously or not.

Edith needs to work on herself.

You need to turn inward, and focus on yourself. It is very hard to "let go of the outcome" but that is important, even as a BS. To not hope you can nice, comfort, R with her into a specific outcome. She has to be willing to work on herself and do that. Watch her, what is she doing that you aren't asking?

She isn't horrified by what she's done. She's horrified she had to say it outloud - to you. She's horrified her manipulations failed. She's horrified that you came within toe's step of giving her consequences.

and now she's feeling safe again. So she will continue what has worked for her up to this point in regards to you.

On dday, we all hope that our spouse will snap back to us as they finally wake up and see the damage they've done. Edith took nearly 2 years and hard external evidence (polygraph) before she'd even give a nod to what she's done. Even for the most remorseful of WS on dday isn't able to snap their thought processes though. They aren't. The messed up wayward thinking is *still*t here until they start doing the work. No amount of tears gets rid of that. No amount of shame gets rid of that. The coping mechanisms are still there until the work is done. The blameshifting is there until the work is started. The justifications, excuses, "well I..." "well I'm just trying to give you the bigger picture..." "well let me write a book report on my woeful story, I'll even include secondary references."

kimichi - Your response was unnecessarily harsh. You can make your point without attacking np5.

FLAMING & ATTACKING: Please refrain from attacking another member, publicly or by using the SI.com Private Message feature. Do not bait or call out others. This includes members and non-members.

NotPerfect

You are not mentally disturbed. However you are in serious need of a great deal of individual counseling. Your wife and your own wishful thinking is defining your reality right now. Good luck with tha! I've read your whole story, but you don't seem to be doing what you need to do to help yourself. Rejoin you in 10 more pages. I wish you the best.

np5, this has been a terrible trainwreck to watch and as hard as it's been to watch it, I know that it is exponentially harder to be the one who is actually living it.

The positives that I see:

You: scheduling and following through with the demand for a poly. That took strength and courage. Good.on.you.

Her: sitting down and taking it.

However. The *truth* itself is not always the marriage-killer. What typically will kill the marriage is what happens AFTER Dday. Cheating, in and of itself, is extremely self-centered and selfish behavior. Once the cheating is revealed, the *ideal* WS will recognize that self-centered selfishness and attempt to make amends for it.

In your case, there was a lot of really f'd up shit that went down for a very, very long time after Dday. Her self-centered selfishness went on for a very long time after discovery. THIS is what is going to tank you guys because the more self-centered the behavior after Dday is....the more self-lessness the WS is going to have to show in order to mitigate that damage, kwim? Only time will tell whether your WW is able to sustain the amount of self-lessness required that will allow you to be able to remain in the relationship.

Imo, I don't think that she'll be able to do it. Or at least not to any extent that will enable you to be able to get past all of what's happened *since* Dday.

Right now you are probably riding the roller-coaster to the top of the hill since she took the poly, you got some truth, and she is now seemingly "remorseful." You are wanting to believe that the two of you are now on the *same* team. But that roller-coaster is going to take a huge and quick dive when your mind reminds you of the times, after Dday, when she involved your children or told you that you were crazy/paranoid, or that she was in therapy to learn how to "deal" with you.

Some people have equated your story with Abbondad's. I don't. I see you as more of a Coma. If you have not read Coma's story/posts, please do. His is a story of a BH who kept giving and giving and giving -- and it has led to an incredible amount of emotional damage to him.

And btw (2x4 coming)......stop taking *comfort* from your WW for right now. Yes, it is good in the moment, but over time it is going to mess your head up in a humongous way.

NP5,

I know where you are right now. I remember it like it was yesterday and will never forget it. You love your wife (and family) like I loved mine. You are in anguish and are clinging to the crumbs of hope as a dying man will clutch a string while drowning, all the while desperately averting your gaze from the obvious. I did too, as so many here did as well. I don't say any of this harshly, but sadly. You will act in your own time. I hung in for way too long but I guess I needed to really hit a few more layers of hell on my way down before I intellectually accepted that I was no longer loved. I needed to know I did everything I could. I suppose you do as well. Keep posting, NP5. We get it, and we care. Be strong.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 8:36 PM, May 12th (Tuesday)]

NP5

The biggest lies are the one you told yourself and continue to tell yourself.

No other way to put this...

Time to stop the denial and feeling sorry for yourself. Time to put the big boy pants on and take control.

Stop crying and start doing. WW has no respect for you. OM had no respect for you. BFF had no respect for you. The reason is because you do not respect yourself.

Time to work on you. Get strong and stop being dependent on WW.

Stop sleeping with her. I continued to sleep with my STBX for a month after he moved out. It made it impossible for me to see him clearly or to detach from him.

2x4 coming- your WW will never stop. She, like my WH, has no remorse whatsoever.

Please NP5! How has ignoring the majority advice here worked for you so far? Please trust us. Please!! We are trying so hard to spare you unnecessary pain. And it doesn't mean it's the end of the story. It's the end of the toxic nightmare. Until you get out, you can't find the happy ending.

Inappropriate post

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:32 AM, May 13th (Wednesday)]

good point by Rafi in what Edith12 said in that one thread. She did say she may be on the move soon (possibility)

I also saw Edith12's thread talking about her issues as well which validates NP5's distance from her. She was evil to you. No doubt.

What we are not hearing from you NP5 is your gameplan. Someone here suggested, and maybe rightfully so, that with 5 kids, you have resigned yourself to a life of simply having to deal with this.

Someone else suggested or asked why you are still sleeping with her.

NP5, you've been on this board for months now. What are your true objectives ? Is that one poster right that you are just resigned to living with Edith until the kids are out ? Many would understand if you did based on finances etc...

However, many of us here couldn't live like that either and you wouldn't be wrong for leaving.

I guess my two questions are;

1) Do you have a gameplan and is it decisive ?

2) What are your objectives at this point ?

If you have to answer in a PM because Edith12 is around, I understand. Or reach out in a PM to your closest allies here and try to figure out the two questions above

you need to see some action from her

^^^She has ended the affair, has gone NC, is in counseling, and is now transparent. This stuff takes time. I think a lot of us should go back and re-read After the Affair or Not Just Friends. Recovery is not an all or nothing right now kinda thing.

The TT is brutal, but there is a lot of emphasis in society about taking this shit to the grave. A lot of it coming from therapists. My wife's own IC strongly counseled her to minimize and lie, saying that the truth would cause more problems than good. So getting the truth took even more effort from me.

NP5 is still married to Edith. I don't really recall some of our expert writers on this subject saying to stop sleeping with their spouse until reconciliation is complete. A lot of BSs come on here now saying they are trying to reconcile, but their story is picked apart and their reconciliation deemed insufficient.

Just a feeling of caution here from the peanut gallery.

NP5 is still married to Edith. I don't really recall some of our expert writers on this subject saying to stop sleeping with their spouse until reconciliation is complete. A lot of BSs come on here now saying they are trying to reconcile, but their story is picked apart and their reconciliation deemed insufficient.

Nope that's not the reason. You are missing the point. Edith is still very much about Edith. Problem #1, and reason not to engage in sexual relations with her.

The second is NP is incredibly CoD with her. He still is blaming himself and his actions for her choices, and she has done a marvelous job of reinforcing this falicy.

He weakens his resolve, and his anger everytime he allows this pattern to repeat itself.

That was the purpose for discouraging relying on her for comfort.

Plus a HUGE piece of self healing as a BS is learning how to comfort and make oneself happy and complete without influence, or relying on ANYONE else. When you can do this you will never allow anyone to abuse you again. Her behavior is abusive. Period.

Rafi - You have a PM.

Jeez Rafi!

Yeah, Edith saw your post and she's pretty upset. Chill out already!!!

Kamichi, do you have a thing against me? I laughed at the part about becoming extinct--you do have a sense of humor, though it is dark. No, I am a survivor. Rarely, do I lose. I am tenacious and work unceasingly towards my goals. Not to say I don't go through hell on the way, but that's me. Usually I make a win a win-win for people with me, if possible.

Right now I'm doing better.

Edith and I have stripped our house to the foundation and we are planning to build it back up again. Ever since the founding, as I headed off to sea at months at a time and she went off to dental school, we have been struggling.

To spite that and other setbacks we have thrived as a family. But the issues were not fixed and we became enmeshed in a negative feedback cycle of her blaming me and me distancing from her.

Our behavior is being torn down and we are planning to build it back up with our IC's help.

Edith is fearful of me divorcing her, as well she should be. I am not making any promises that we can R.

The marriage of Eyeore and Horton is over. We are going to be different from now on and we will be stronger and happier or we will end this marriage.

As to why I am sleeping with my wife...

I have chosen to give her a vehicle by which she can show me remorse in her way. She posts very poorly--not a good medium for her. She is a very loving person that has become broken and selfish for a time. She is a very giving person. She wants to and is working to fix herself. I am giving her time with no promises and we will see. You don't know the Edith that worked full time, with 5 kids, having nursed for 7 years, while running two Girl Scout troops and helping nonprofits. She has given countless hours to charity and fixing battered women smiles and saving those sold into the sex trade. We have paid millions in taxes to fund the government's welfare programs. I know there is a good Edith in there and she is trying really hard...

I am trying to mitigate the damage to my family until I make a decision to reconcile or divorce. They know we are struggling, but that we do love each other. They are being great kids and laughing and studying and learning. They're awesome and we both love them so!

I have chosen my methods to give solace to myself. One of those methods is holding my wife. Though she has betrayed me, she is working on getting better. It soothes me and comforts me to see her try and I will respond to those attempts with appreciation and kindness.

I. LOVE. HER. I do. Though I hate what she has done to me and my anger rages in me, I love her. I will divorce her if I must, but I will still always love her.

[This message edited by notperfect5 at 11:21 AM, May 13th (Wednesday)]