SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Profound DG.

Much to consider there as I try to navigate through my own

pile of maneur. Thanks for sharing it. Here's wishing you all

the best going forward.

I feel growing paralysis through an overwhelming sense of contingency, that our 26 wonderful years together are not as important as just one of the nights she spent with other man. She doesn’t understand. I don’t either.

I understand. She thought she would never be caught. She could have wonderful years growing old with you and the excitement of the OM. She never really considered running off with the OM and dumping you.

There is an old saying: “Women give sex for love and men give love for sex.” The relationship is typically more important to women. They will tell their BH that it was only sex because that’s what they would want to hear if the situation were reversed.

To them that statement means that the relationship is safe. What the BH hears is that they can continue to perform their stable husbandly duties after the OM got their sex for free.

I think most women would agree with your wife. That a roll in the hay pales in comparison to a multiple decade long loving relationship. If that’s true you can ask why would you risk such a precious thing for something so meaningless? That’s when you get back to that they never thought that they would get caught or the BH would forgive them because the marriage was so good.

I don’t think your wife can wrap her mind around the fact that she was caught and that you’re not forgiving her. Both were impossibilities. It’s just not fair.

[This message edited by Graywolf at 6:09 AM, August 14th (Friday)]

MC.....believes that WW has probably earned another chance

Not your MCs call. The decision is yours, and as you said, you're all out.

Don't compare your decisions with the path that others have chosen. Only you can decide what is best for you. You've weighed your options and reviewed your M and decided to D. this is obviously the best decision for you and I support it, as I'm sure everyone else does too. Keep moving along your path and I wish you healing and happiness.

From another thread by Mike7

I'm sure your wife feels horrible and will continue to do so as she wakes up to what she's done. And she'll promise all sorts of things and mean them. And you'll actually come to pity her. I did with my wife.

Here's the thing, speaking as someone who chose to R, you never forget what happened. I've come to realize that I don't believe it will ever be "better than ever!" You know when people say your marriage can be better than ever? Yeah... I don't believe it. Maybe it can be if the marriage was bad to begin with. But in cases like mine, or yours, where the marriage was acknowledged to be good by both sides, it only becomes worse. Nothing is ever perfect. You can't be perfect. You couldn't have BEEN perfect. She cheated on her own. You know it and she knows it. She did it while things were good. Maybe they weren't perfect, but they were good. So how does it get to be "better than ever?" She used to be your childhood sweetheart. You trusted her with your life. You loved her. She was special. You never get that back.

If you eventually choose to R, you may even begin to trust her. But what happens if she's out volunteering someday, and she isn't home when she's supposed to be. You'll wonder if she's fucking around. You'll remember what she did, and with who. You'll imagine the details. You never forget.

I have a remorseful wife. She's doing everything she can to make things better. But she doesn't laugh as much, or as freely as she used to. She's more careful, thoughtful, cautious. We don't look at each other the same way. I know she loves me. But I don't think about her the same way. She knows this. Deep down I know she feels horrible about what she did. But she can't change it. We can't watch the same shows as we used to. We avoid triggers. Because after all, she's capable of cheating. Right? And she hates infidelity now. HATES it! But she can't go on about it because she's knows it's hypocritical.

You never forget. Her infidelity changes everything. You don't have the innocent, beautiful, trusting love anymore. I sometimes envy those who chose to divorce. They're already dating new people. People who haven't cheated on them. People who don't come up with the excuse, "I was broken." They get to experience new love, fresh love. It must feel nice.

So... if I were you, I'd take my time with my decision.

Mike7

BH 53

WW 52

Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013

Hey there DG! Glad you checked in.

Don't get me wrong - I was just "responding" as it were to some of your comments that you loved her so much, wished you could go back to her, felt like less of a man because of those feelings, etc. I didn't want you passing up the opportunity to R if it's what you wanted but were resisting for some reason or feeling pressured to leave or whatever.

I think some betrayed folks are built for R and some aren't. Neither good nor bad, it just is.

I wanted R for a long time, but time and distance has shown me that even if we tried R, WH would have remained the same broken man he has always been, because he isn't willing or able to do the work. As much as I hate what it's done to our family, at this point, on some level, I know it's going to feel freeing when the D is final.

In the end it doesn't matter what your WW wants, or the MC, IC, the neighbors, us here at SI, etc. It's your life and your decision, and as long as we don't see any red flags in your thought process we won't beat the shit out of you with virtual 2x4's over it. :)

You are sounding good and like you are getting strong. Anger seems to be settling in and will probably be a productive time for you.

Stay on the high road.

My response to your WW would be as follows:

If you loved me, you would put me first. You would do anything to make me happy including letting me go. What you propose is just like your A, what is best for you regardless of it's impact on me.

The time our 26 year together should have mattered the most was the day I caught the two of you and they did not matter to you.

If they were important to you, you would not have thrown them away. If I was important you would have not thrown me away.

That is the choice you made and this is the price that you pay.

You made the vows. You knew the rules.

I agree with NME. It's your decision, not the MC and the MC has seemed to be on her side the entire time which is pathetic.

Some of them are 'save the marriage at any cost' people.

You have thought this through rationally and I agree with your assessment 100% DG.

"She is sure we can still have a wonderful future together, however for me, the past will always be present in the future. WW feels that great emphasis should be placed on the wonderful 26 years we have shared together. I feel growing paralysis through an overwhelming sense of contingency, that our 26 wonderful years together are not as important as just one of the nights she spent with other man. She doesn’t understand. I don’t either, but you do not need to understand gravity to fall off a cliff."

I think this to me speaks volumes to the way I felt. I just could not believe my xW could not see it. It was as clear as day to me. I think you should be proud the way you have handled yourself. I know this road has been hard but you have pulled through it with class.

There is no book that tells us how to handle this kind of betrayal. We can get advice but in the end we are all different and we have to deal with things in our own ways.

Good for you for standing up for yourself and showing your daughters a good role model.

C

I went almost a week without posting because I was wrestling with this post from Losconang15. I have attempted a response on several occasions but just too much hurt on paper.

Losconang15

“DG I haven't chimed in before but Ive been reading from the start. But I had to comment on your last post. It was so well explained and written. I felt like my bubble burst too. It's a horrible feeling that there's nothing special about your relationship anymore. We are still in reconciling form, but I do mourn the death of that innocent pure love we once had. I hate it.”

Losconang15, as I said, I have attempted to reply to your post on several occasions but words failed me. I have thought about what you said about mourning the death of that innocent pure love we once had and my heart hurts. It just hurts and I hate it too. I can hardly live when I think about it. I am so sorry we have experienced Paradise Lost… There are no words of comfort that can even began to ease the pain that has permeated every inch of our fallen world!

WW wants everything ‘to be back the way it was’ but it can never be the way it was. My complaint is, “How can everything be like it was?” “How can anything be like it was?’ We were both virgins when we met. She was the only woman I had ever slept with. I was the only man she had ever been with. That is gone. How can she restore that? How could we possibly make everything like it was? She might be able to make like it never happened, but I can’t. She has stated that it was a totally meaningless and forgettable experience. Not for me!

When I first caught her texting OM I felt like I HAD to forgive her because I did not want OM to fuck my wife. How GOD AWFUL. There is absolutely no way this could happen. Whatever I had to do, I could not allow this to happen!

I had to reconcile with her immediately. I had to reconcile with her gratefully. What choice did I have? I did not want her to have sex with another man. I could not live if she did. I decided I must not do anything that would make it easy for OM. God forbid that I make it easy for OM to seduce my wife.

So, I could not leave nor could I make her leave. If we were not together, how could I keep an eye on her? For the same reason, I could not separate. I couldn’t 180 either. I had to play nice. I had to play nice so that my wife would NOT choose to fuck OM.

How messed up is this? WW has asked me many times to give her another chance, but it is all just too egregious. After all was said and done, she had sex with OM anyway. When I realized they had already slept together, that changed everything for me. Now, regardless what I do, and regardless what she does; nothing is going to change that. She wants to fix something that cannot be fixed.

How can she restore in a direct way that which has been broken or damaged; namely, her, me, our children, our home, our relationship, our past, our present, our future, our life…..how is she going to make amends for that? How can she restore the purity of our love story?

I don’t need her to send me a hundred text messages a day reporting where she is at and what she is doing…assuring me she is not involving herself in slutty behavior. I do not need her smothering me with kisses and professing her undying love. I do not need her confessing to all our friends and family what she did and what a fool she was. I only need this one thing. “Get your purity back.”

I do apologize for this rant.

[This message edited by DoneGone at 4:40 PM, August 14th (Friday)]

DG

she can not make things back like they were. the key to R is accep it and live with your self.

She has stated that it was a totally meaningless and forgettable experience

fuking a real man is forgettable?? Sure, thats why she went back for more again and again.

DG

How are you doing?

IMO you shoikd really stop talking to her, get IC help but not woth the crappy MC terapist.

Good luck

Your last few posts were really profound. I hope you will heal well and relatively fast. We're here for you!

Mrhealed

IMO you shoikd really stop talking to her, get IC help but not woth the crappy MC terapist.

I know. There is a lot involved and it is a little complex. My two girls live with me and I allow her to come over so she can be near them. They mostly ignore or leave when she comes. They know I have

forgiven WW and they are a little angry at me for doing so.

I need to model the appropriate behavior. I need my girls to see me strong, I need WW to see me strong and I need to see me strong. I have always fought for my family and I am still doing so. I will do it this way until I figure out a better way.

There are other issues that I will not go into at the moment but even though she will not always be my wife, she will always be my kids mom. She has seriously alienated herself from them and they are surprisingly unforgiving. Hopefully, if I can talk to WW and be friendly and warm, they will turn loose of their anger.

Their relationship with their mom was close and I hope it can be that way again.

HobbesTheTiger Thanks. You have been here from day one and you have helped. Thanks.

double post

[This message edited by DoneGone at 5:53 PM, August 14th (Friday)]

they are surprisingly unforgiving.

I disagree with you on this one DG.

Your WW used your kids as pawns to manipulate you and win them over to her "side". They have every right to be pissed off and hurt. They may come around and they may not, but that's a consequence of WW's behavior.

I'm glad to hear you and your kids are doing as well as can be expected. Stay strong!!

WW has asked me many times to give her another chance, but it is all just too egregious. After all was said and done, she had sex with OM anyway. When I realized they had already slept together, that changed everything for me. Now, regardless what I do, and regardless what she does; nothing is going to change that. She wants to fix something that cannot be fixed.

I have always compared infidelity in a marriage to throwing a rock in a window and breaking it. The pieces of glass that broke off can be picked up and glued back in place. The problem is there will always be cracks showing and the window pane will never be as solid as it once was.

She has had many chances, but she wants another chance.In baseball, the batter is out on the third strike. How many chances should the WS be given in a marriage? That is for you DG to decide. How many times can she "strike" at the marriage before she is out?

[This message edited by marbou888 at 9:57 PM, August 14th (Friday)]

GabyBaby WW and kids were so close. I never expected nor encouraged then to pick sides. But you are right, WW did interject a lot into their head.

At third MC meeting when it was agreed that I would get passwords, All three daughters intercepted me outside the building and asked me to be the hero they knew I was and return WW's devices without demanding passwords.

WW had them convinced that I had myself so worked up that I would misunderstand or take out of context the things that I would find. When I refused, they got quite upset with me. Words were said on their part that they have apologized for.

But you are right. They also feel betrayed and used.

Western

My only question to you now. What is your gameplan bro

thanks. My game plan is to make it another day.

My game plan is not to crash and burn.

I was really surprised in a good way when one poster stated that I was getting better. I didn't know that and it was good to hear.

Regarding to your relation with WW and your daugthers, as long as you are beong friendly with WW your kids will feel like you are taking sides with the pwrspn that not only betryed you but them as well amd also manipulated them.

Maybe you should heal your self, avoiding contact woth WW, to let yoir girks see that you are bettwr. IMO after your WW manipulation yiur girls they will not allowd their selfs to forgive your WW , as.she used them to put you in the hell she created.

IMO thats why yiur girls want yiu to D your WW.

From othet angle. Yiur WW is the one, and only one, that can fix her relation with yiur gils. Yoi shoukd stay away in orther to dont let your gitls feel like you are also betraying them.

Hey DG, hope you feel like you are moving things forward since I can tell it feels like a real slog some days.

What always struck me in the early stages of your posting was that she was treating you and her children with such contempt. She really seemed to think that she and the OM were so much smarter than all of you and that they were running circles around you.

I am sure there is good left in your marriage; I am also sure that the marriage as it stands was killed by her contempt.

Have you explained to her that the betrayal is one thing and the contempt another? That if you are ever to have any kind of relationship going forward she has to address both pieces?

Her willingness to draw in and deceive (temporarily) your daughters is astounding to me. Her "master plan" given that she knew she was dead meat if you opened the messages seems to have been using the daughters to guilt you in to returning the electronics with messages unread. Thank God you had the strength to disappoint them on the day.

Couple of questions if you don't mind answering?

1) Have your daughters seen enough of the evidence to absolutely understand the PA, the long-standing deception and the contempt?

2) What do your daughters say now about why you should stay or leave?

3) Has enough time passed for you to determine if she is feeling simple regret or true remorse?

I hope for your eventual peace and happiness that you put an end to the toxicity and contempt with which she killed your old marriage. Sounds like you have begun that process. It is separate from anything legal but rather a moral struggle in which she must accept and admit to those whose good opinion she most desires exactly how terrible a person she became.

Your legal options are clearer -- sounds like you should go ahead and start a process. Other posters here talk about going through with the divorce to put a legal exclamation point on the moral process, and then talk about a reconciliation after that exclamation point has been made.

Are you leaning towards something like that, towards saying she has an ability to make you happy that is unsurpassed in this world and you would consider finding a way to let her do that? Do you think you could find pleasure in making her happy at some point down the road?

Just asking -- you know all the hills and valleys of this across the years and know yourself better than we can possibly glean from a few posts.

Take care!