SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

the advice here has been awesome. thank you all very much. I had memorized what I read here and planned to say and kept repeating it to myself tonight as I headed to confront her at her aunts. she was angry that I involved her aunt but I reminded her that she left me no choice. I told her that she had one chance to be honest with me about what she has been doing and one chance only. she acted cocky. I asked her if she was seeing another man and she said yes. I then questioned for how long and she then admitted the truth that it has been going on for 2 months. she tried to blame our "unhappy" marriage but I stopped her cold and told her that nothing I had done or said was an excuse for having an affair. I told her she had a lot of other options but instead choose to step outside our marriage because she was actually unhappy with herself, not me.

I then told her that her actions have forced me to reevaluate our marriage and that I was unwilling to move forward with our marriage until she stopped all inappropriate relationships and got into IC and worked on herself. I think that surprised her because she shouted that maybe she didn't want it to work and I then asked her if she was sure. I asked for her phone which she got very upset about and refused to turn over. I then asked her for her wedding band which belonged to my great grandmother. She went and got it and handed it to me.

I saw a lot of emotions in her eyes. Fear, remorse, pain, cockiness, a lot of different things. I explained that I contacted her family because I was worried about her and the company she has been keeping but mostly I was worried for her welfare. I said that I was moving on with my life. she tried to tell me that she still loved me and I told her that she couldn't say that she loved me since she choose to see another man.

when I got home, I called and turned off her phone. within 10 minutes of doing that she texted me from her aunts phone asking if we can meet and talk and try not to be bitter. I responded that there will be no communication until she stops all inappropriate relationships with other men. I have to laugh because it seems that got her attention and maybe helped lift some fog.

I had already started a new bank account and plan to close the other account completely tomorrow morning. I have already called my boss and taken tomorrow off so I can set up my new account with auto payments on bills.

for now the knot in my stomach isn't as hard and I was able to finish a whole burger. I guess I am getting my strength.

she doesn't make much money and contributes very little to the household expenses so me cutting her off financially is going to hurt. I also told her that if she wants a divorce then she needs to file for it because I wasn't going to do it for her, but I was going to move on with my life without her.

I guess I need to learn more about divorce and how to protect myself financially. we had a miscarriage last year and have no children, so hopefully it wont be too complicated.

less than a year ago we were planning to start a family. today we are planning divorce. it hurts.

Congratulations! I am really proud of you hotrod4094 and I hope you continue in that direction tomorrow. Make sure you see a divorce lawyer to examine all your options. He/she will give you good advice as to what to do next.

As for your marriage, I don't see much hope. You have described the behaviour of a person who doesn't give a damn, but wanted to save face in front of a family member. The fact that she wasn't wearing her weeding band is very telling. Nice work.

she was angry that I involved her aunt

I'm always amazed at statements like these. Yea, they involve another man or two in the marriage and yet are upset that you told their family??

Wow you did great. Didn't fall for any of her BS and stuck to the truth. We can't have 3 people in our marriage. Now 180 -- which it looks like you are doing and meet with a lawyer just to get an idea of where you stand. ...(Just read Biggers post below)... or don't get a lawyer and do the research on the internet.

The fact that she is doing this 2 years into the marriage doesn't bode well for a future if you allow any rug sweeping.

You did great.

[This message edited by Freeme at 8:46 AM, April 7th (Tuesday)]

You're my new hero! Good on you.

Don't be surprised when she suddenly wants to come running home now that you've cut off her financial support. She was just FINE living at her Aunt's place when YOU were footing the bill. Now that you're cutting her off, I wouldn't be surprised at ALL if she suddenly has a change of heart and begs to come home.

Don't take ANYONE back because they need your financial assistance. If she wasn't begging to come back a week ago, why in the hell would she suddenly have all this 'love' for you NOW just because you cut off her phone and you're not footing the bill anymore?

She's a phony and an opportunist and will only come home because it benefits her FINANCIALLY, not because she's full of love and sorrow for you and your marriage.

She MADE her choice months ago and thought nothing of leaving you so she could go off and explore her new 'romance' with some schmuck. She acted like a cocky jerk until you knocked her down off her high horse and let her know you were onto her sleazy behavior. There's no mystical, magical 'fog' lifting. She's just realizing you're no longer sitting at home happy to throw money at her when she needs it and crying into your soup hoping she'll come home. She's just realizing she no longer has the upper HAND, it has nothing to do with 'fog.' Pffft.

I'd be at my lawyer's TOMORROW.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 6:06 AM, April 7th (Tuesday)]

Good work. I can imagine it hurts like h@ll but it’s the best option you have right now.

To refer back to my broken leg comparison: You have set the bone and that hurt immensely but now you can start healing.

SerJr and I are more or less saying the same thing: Control what you can control and let go of the rest. Keep your dignity and do things YOU are comfortable with. Really embrace what SerJr says about this being HER choice. We BS tend to fall into such immense self-blame but frankly there is nothing you could have done to prevent what happened. Even more embrace what we both say about YOU having choices. As I say in my tagline: If you decide to remain miserable then that’s because you chose to remain miserable. It’s up to YOU to get out of infidelity.

I also told her that if she wants a divorce then she needs to file for it because I wasn't going to do it for her, but I was going to move on with my life without her.

There is no rush…

For some reason the advice I give is seen as a one-way path to divorce. I doubt there are many posters here that are more pro-reconciliation than I am. My advice is totally 100% directed at reconciliation. But wanting R and getting R are two separate issues. You can want R as much as you can but if the conditions aren’t right it’s not really an option. The actions I suggest are aimed at creating the conditions required for R or making it clear as soon as possible if those conditions aren’t being offered.

Your commitment to each other didn’t start with the process of marriage any more than your marriage ends with the process of divorce. IMHO the marriage ends when one or both partners decide to seek outside the marriage. It’s terminated by a decision – not a process. The divorce itself is simply the business process of deciding how to terminate a contract.

You’re above statement places power in her hands. Basically you have told her that you will move on but if she decides to remain in infidelity she can do so as your wife. Like I say: there is no rush. There really isn’t a need to rush things. But you need to keep up the pressure.

Your next step is to see how divorce impacts you…

I’m guessing 2 years marriage, no kids, few assets… I’m guessing divorce will technically be easy. I doubt there will be any spousal support since there really isn’t anything preventing her from earning an income.

Research online about divorce in your state. Evaluate how hard it will be. Look around you: how valuable are your possessions? Is arguing over a set of pots, an old plasma TV and some CD’s worth the hassle of a contested divorce? Could you make her an offer soon that will more or less leave you free to move on?

Is your wife a lost cause? No… not necessarily. If she comes back then hammer on her that she has choices. She has options. To be with you she needs to be honest and transparent. You need to know who OM is, how far this went and so on. She is free to tell you this, she is free to go. She has rights and divorce will be as fair as it can be. The only stipend you put is that IF she returns you want out of infidelity.

good job, Hotrod.

You have taken steps to get the truth and to protect yourself.

D can't be off the table. She is blameshifting completely. You deserve better.

I don't get it why people do what she did however, you are taking the hard steps early and that shows me that you will succeed, R or D.

Please keep posting and letting us know what you need to maintain your strength as everything from here on out is ON YOUR TERMS.

Am I correct that she is staying at her aunts or is she still in the house ?

she was insistent about leaving so i gave space her space hoping it would only last a day or two only to find out a few days ago she has been texting another man for three months MMS messages

I then questioned for how long and she then admitted the truth that it has been going on for 2 months. she tried to blame our "unhappy" marriage but I stopped her cold and told her that nothing I had done or said was an excuse for having an affair. I told her she had a lot of other options but instead choose to step outside our marriage because she was actually unhappy with herself, not me.

So very true. She is unhappy with herself. She made the choice to deal with that poorly. Hopefully she seeks IC to understand why.

From what you see up there you have an EA that started 3 months ago, then very likely progressed to PA 2 months ago, and then her moving out 1 month ago. She had no problem lying to you about all of that above. 3 months of lying, in addition to lying through omission by not telling you how she was really feeling before it supposedly started 3 months ago. I say this because if you are taking to time to decide on what to do (which is wise) you need to not just hear what she says but pay close attention to her actions. Her actions were closer to the truth as evidenced by how things progressed. Those actions up there also told your gut instinct something wasn't quite what they seemed during that period. Keep paying attention to you gut instincts as well and corroberate it with her actions from here on out. Is she willing to cut all contact with OM? Is she willing to get IC for the affair and also dealing with the miscarriage? Is she willing to be fully transparent on her whereabouts and communications with others? Is she willing to do a full timeline with you and answer all of your questions? What are your requirements for R? What are your deal breakers? You have much to think about going forward.

Also, don't wait to see that lawyer. Go ahead and get a consult, expecially one who is experienced with mediation. Mediation saves a lot in D costs. It may feel like doing so betrays your own intent to give your WW a chance to own her shit but more often than not waywards don't make the effort on meeting the betrayed's requirement for R. You might as well get a step ahead on this front and be prepared to pull the trigger should you come to the conclusion that the M just isn't going to work.

Above all else, hotrod, take care of your own health. Don't be afraid to seek some IC for yourself as well and support from family and friends. Don't be afraid to ask those around you for help.

first of all I cnt keep thanking you all for your advise it means soo much to no im not alone because that exactly how she made me feel but you have all help in multiple ways

ok BIGGER can u explain what you talking about when you say you r concerned when I told her if she is the one that is giving upon the M the she can file for D herself?

the reason I said this is so she has to take responsibility for her actions one way or another either make the choice to fix the M or chose to take the easy route with D either one in my opinion will be a sobering action

now I am not going to give her forever to figure her shit out I was going to wait about three months and if I dnt see any improvement then I am going to have D papers served to her on her Bday four months from now since we got married on my Bday haha jus a final little jab

but I feel like her world has just been rocked with the confrontation the fact her mother figure in her aunt was there hurt like hell and rightfully so and she is figuring it out that im moving forward and im not going to continue to be here and support her while in the A financially (I closed our joint account today so she has no $$$ to take from me) physically or emotionally I shut her phone off last night im not paying for her A also Im trying to make it clear im removing myself as "plan B" by im telling her im only moving forward with her if she ends the A amd is 100% truthful about EVERYTHING so she has two choices either u choose our M and the long hard road to R or u choose to give up and choose D

like I said I dnt want to feel 10 years down the road I abandoned her too early but at the same time im not going to be taken advantage of because I have a BIG HEART because some women out there would kill to have a loving husband like me

for some reason I still love her and im trying to not abandon her at her toughest time like she did me cuz im a better person than she is but I want there to be zero doubt in my mind that I exhausted every effort to make my marriage work and at the end of the day I love this WW ive givin her my entire heart and soul and im trying to decide if she will ever deserve to have me as her husband I the future and if I can count on her bring there 50 years down the road and not straying again as of now I dnt feel that way it doesn't look good but many people say time heals all so depending on what her actions from here on out are will determine my decision towards our outcome

WESTERN

she has been staying with her aunt and uncle mostly thru the week and then weekends of course with her single FF who is a terrible choice for her to be with she jus wants to party like she is still in college and this friend is a big enabler and my WS knows I dnt like that crowd of her old high school friends they have been an issue multiple times in the past and she also stays with her mom and sister from time to time which these two were supposed to be with her the night her and the OM exchanged numbers so she definitely is not surrounding herself with the right positive people im lucky my family has been more supportive than I could have ever imagined another reason I dnt want to give up on her too soon but im protecting myself at the same time

I am glad your family has been as supportive as they have been. That is a positive light in a negative situation

Hotrod

What I‘m referring to is that you don’t leave anything in her hands other than the decision to commit to the marriage or not. By making the statement that she has to file for divorce you are placing the ACT of divorcing into her hands.

What if nothing changes for the next 2 weeks?

What if you hear she’s spending next weekend at the Cupid Motel with OM?

What if you hear something that’s a real deal breaker for you?

You don’t tell her she has to file. You simply tell her:

Until you come to me and tell me very clearly that you want this marriage, that you want to work things out and will move back in I’m simply assuming the marriage is over. I’m initiating the steps to terminate our marriage. There is no rush but I refuse to wait any longer.

Part of that is divorce. Once you have searched divorce laws in your state. Once you have asked friends that have divorced about their experience. Once you have talked to an attorney. Once you realize that she wants to keep her cake and eat it… That’s when YOU file – not her. You do it in your own time – when it’s convenient for YOU. Not when it’s convenient for her.

ok BIGGER thanks I understand what you mean now I think im going to talk to a counselor this week and my priest next week and see what they recommend before I act out of hurt and anger but thanks again for the great advice and time

my WW jus asked me when can she come and get her stuff wow cnt believe shutting her phone off and her $$ supply off didn't knock her out of the fog and wake her ass up to wat she is losing

im having trouble holding on while im On this rollercoaster ride right now my mind is all over the place one minute im strong and ready to move on without her next I cant hold myself together and I cnt seem to stay busy all I do is think of wat the future is guna be like and wat we could and should have been

I know it hurts, but SHE is the ONE who HURT YOU, and she is not sorry. What else can you do? If your family is being supportive, lead on them to help you through. You are a great guy, you don't deserve a wife like this, you deserve a lot better, and soon enough you will have one. I see a lot of good things in the future for you; for her, I see a long sad life ahead of her as a cheater and blamer and quitter.

I need advice I shut her phone off and now she jus messaged me on facebook asking when she can come get her stuff

I responded so wat r u planning to take and r u planning on getting it in one trip? it depends on how much and how long that will determine when im available because im not getting into division of property right now

she responded im not sure wat u mean by division of property and that im not taking anything that's not mine

when do I allow her to come get her stuff?? I dnt no wat to say next

You can‘t prevent her from taking her personal stuff. Things like clothes and so on. If she doesn’t have any expensive jewelry then let her take that too. If she wants her Destiny’s Child CD collection then let her take that too.

Bigger stuff like furniture and so on… well… photograph and document.

If you aren’t up to it then ask a relative to be there when she comes over. Know your mom’s a real fighter… Non-confrontational but make sure everything is documented.

thanks bigger but the whole 180 thing has me all confused im trying to cut her off and ignore right now and im confused on when I should respond and when I should ignore her

Remember: Whatever pain you feel now is immensely less than the pain you would experience knowing she’s just been with another man. Any pain caused by doubts about a kids paternity. The pain of waiting all evening wondering where she is.

All is not lost. Right now it might be emotional chicken – he who first blinks loses. Stand firm on your offer: commit to the marriage and we can work things out but stay in infidelity and I will move on.

To deal with the 180 then divide her communications with you into 2 categories: emotional and business.

Emotional is asking how you are doing, what you want, how the dog is doing, what your mom said…

Business is when is the attorneys meeting, when can I get my stuff, do you want the plasma or the lcd.

Respond to the later – ignore the former.