SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think She is starting to figure it out now that I am not her security anymore

[This message edited by hotrod4094 at 1:36 PM, April 8th (Wednesday)]

why are you meeting her ? And did you give her a good response to her inquiry ?

I hope when you meet her you just calmly drop divorce/mediation papers in front of her and say let's get this over with.

If she starts yapping about being friends remind her "no that's okay friends don't do this to other friends that ship has sailed"

Just to be cautious I hope you are meeting her at a public place.

Can never be too careful.

I‘m just going to put this out here but I‘m not sure you should send this to her:

“Be realistic. Of course you have already hurt me by having an affair with OM. Of course I’m bitter towards you while you are cheating. Would you be OK with me having an affair behind your back? Wake up! This is life-or-death for our marriage.”

But then… having thought it through….

No. No reply to her questions. 180 through and through.

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Hotrod – You already have your script for how to interact. Be calm, you aren’t going to meet her to win any argument. In fact you aren’t going to meet her to argue. It’s simply to state your demands, listen to her accept them or not and then taking it from there.

"OK. Be honest with me. Are you doing ok? I still don't want us to be bitter towards one another. And the last thing I want is for us to be hurt by one another"

WW's definately have a skewed way of looking at things. My god after all she's done for you you shut off her phone & seperate the finances. How can you live with yourself.

Your WW is totally self absorbed and unremorseful for any of her actions.

"Be honest with me. Are you doing ok? I still don't want us to be bitter towards one another. And the last thing I want is for us to be hurt by one another"

Yes... because she's been entirely honest and transparent with you

This is emotional manipulation on her part. First off, it sounds harmless with the whole "let's not hurt each other" bit. This is a roundabout way of her playing all innocent and asking you not to do anything that will hurt her. And by that, she means it'd be pretty awesome if you just roll over and take what she's gonna give you. Secondly, this is a way for her to justify her behaviour - hey as long as you're okay, what she did couldn't possibly be that bad. And on the off chance that you are hurting? Well, she must be pretty damn magnificent if you're pining away from her. Finally, it's a little scrap that implies that she cares about you, so that you don't stray too far away.

There is only one correct answer to this.

None whatsoever.

All a response from you would serve to do is to keep you tied to the drama. She didn't address one damned issue, so you have nothing to say to her.

“Be realistic. Of course you have already hurt me by having an affair with OM. Of course I’m bitter towards you while you are cheating. Would you be OK with me having an affair behind your back? Wake up! This is life-or-death for our marriage."

Oh bigger how I almost sent something soo similar to this but that would play right into her plan so I took a deep breathe and said FUCK HER and like serjr said she has yet to say a damn thing about any issue I have nothing to say to her

Good work. The 180 is a funny thing - when you first practice it you feel out of control because you have to wall yourself off from your partner's reactions and feelings - basically any of their influences. It's scary because we had this illusion that we could control their behavior with our own influence in the first place, which is completely false.

When you practice at it, you will start for feel stronger and be more in control of your fate than ever because you are eliminating all the variables and focusing on the one thing you CAN control - YOU.

One foot in front of the other. You're not playing games, you're taking control back for the first time in a long time. You can do this.

She is going to tell you that not paying for her phone makes you bitter, that things just didn't work out, that it her fault but it was your fault too because ______ (fill in the blank), and you should still give her money. She will say "I talked to other man but did not cheat. Give me money." But it will not be as concise as I was.

I'm going to my IC tonight after work for the first time What r some ?s I should be asking her I have some in mind but I could use a few suggestions incase I go blank cuz it's hard for me to remain focused right now I'm on that damn roller coaster

If you do meet her, It might be a good idea to have a VAR (voice activated recorder) on you.

I hope you are in a one party state. that way she would not need to know you are recording even if not in a one party state in a public place/setting you might be ok

Alright guys this is where I'm at in my head I feel like I need to let her no how bad she hurt me and how I feel about the situation at hand I have a few options I have wrote down and these r very subject to change so my next two posts will be my A & B options

Option A

I feel like when I talk to her tomorrow I need to address how she has made me feel and to tell her Hell no I'm not doing ok u committed the ULTIMATE BETRAYAL u have been seeing another man while u r married to me how the hell would anyone be able to be ok with that when I found out what u were doing I ran to the door and threw up in the yard it's sickening what u have done No reasoning in the entire world  to do this to someone espicially someone who u looked into their eyes and promised ur entire heart and soul to them in front of our family and friends!! And for u to say that you don't want us to hurt each other u r living in a fucking fantasy world to think u haven't hurt me already?? U cheated on me DAMN IT there is no worse hurt than that to me and when we lost our child this time last year  I truly thought that that was guna be the worse pain I would ever feel but u definitely jus proved that wrong u couldn't possibly hurt me anymore than u already have and the fact that u said u were done with our marriage and r still seeing him and u have shown me no actions that suggest otherwise so that shows me that our marriage is dead so now I have to protect myself and losing u isn't the worse thing that can happen to me going forward staying with u while u see other men is so much worse so therefore i am moving forward with or with out u so u have to make ur choice either fight for our marriage and show me by ur actions u still want US or u can come get ur stuff Sunday and I will move on with my life

Option B

Hell no im not ok u cheated on me how can any rational person think that it wouldnt tear someones heart to pieces when the person they gave their entire life to commits the ULTIMATE BETRAYAL i puked when i found out what u were doing to me it was sickening to see u text someone over a 1000 times and hide it from me like i said before u left the house i was willing to do a lot to save this marriage. I know I can improve and we can make this marriage better. I would still be willing to seek help and do what’s required to work on our marriage.I also think you need to know i don't know if i will be able to forgive you until u tell me the entire truth and i see you doing the work you need to do on yourself to understand why instead of exhausting all resources to fix our marriage, you chose to run away and run away with another man. BUT I also know that losing you isn’t the worst outcome. Sharing you is infinitely worse. Right now I am at best sharing you while we are separated and you are seeing other men. While that’s going on our marriage is dead and all that’s left is to bury it. If you commit to the marriage then we can start trying to create the marriage we deserve.” if you conintue doing this betrayal I am moving on with out u and u can come get ur stuff Sunday

Option C:

Me or OM. You pick. Now. Not "I need time to think," right now.

If me, I want ____, ____, and need ____, ____ for this marriage to succeed. (the blanks are for you to fill in. Things like IC, transparency, get on meds, whatever...)

I'm willing to give you another chance, but YOU have to show me that you want to be in this marriage. If at any time I don't feel like you are committed, I'm leaving you. I may even leave you anyway, but that is the consequences of your actions.

The choice is yours. Now choose.

And that's it. If she asks what happens if she doesn't choose, just say consequences. But you go file for D, immediately.

Notice, I didn't include anything about your feelings? It's because she doesn't care. And if you talk about how hurt she has made you, she will just try to use that to get you to forgive her.

Don't rage (like in your option A), just lay out the demands above. That's it. Anything else she tries to cloud you with is just rugsweeping/cake eating/manipulative bullshit.

She's either in or not. Yes or No. There is no inbetween (that's what an affair is - inbetween).

Your mind will be racing tomorrow it's understandable.

Every time she tries to start a fight or blameshift just say "I'm sorry you feel this way"

Oh will that drive her nuts.

I just read your thread.

First of all, sorry your are here.

About your options i think that She already knows what she has done and already knows what she is about to loose and she already knows what would it take to fix her marriage. Why are you going to repeat it over and over again? it just makes you look weak. In my experience the vbest way to slap her out the fog is showing her that you are ready to let her go and that your are just fine about it. I know is hard and one moment you think you are ok and the next you may broke down, but this is the way...

Try some lines like:

"We r not OK! u know what you did! you kill the marriage with ur affair, u kill me with ur lies."

"this is simple, get your shit and get the fuck out of my life or grow up come clean and fix the marriage you broke."

"I have no time to hear your excuses as nothing could ever justify what u have done"

"I dont own u nothing, much less any of my time"

When you meet, if u do it, then you can get some clousere and tell her all you want, any how the best is always let her know that you are going to be just fine, the best way to do it is feeling it so work on it!!

Good luck

Part of my job is crisis management and tough negotiations. When I enter a meeting I know is about a tough sensitive issue I try to limit or minimize the possible outcomes and meeting agenda to clear, simple options. Let’s try to evaluate tomorrow’s meeting as if it was a tough business negotiations meeting:

If you have decided to divorce then the meeting tomorrow really has no purpose or goal. Skip it.

If you still want to reconcile then the ONLY purpose of tomorrow’s meeting is to confirm if she wants to reconcile or not.

Simple and clear.

It’s not about what she did. It’s not about OM. It’s not about how you feel. It’s not about her committing to NC. It’s not about anything other than if both you and her want to commit to the marriage.

You simply make your statement about not remaining in infidelity and if she wants the marriage she has to commit.

The answer to that has to be a CLEAR yes – she will commit.

ANYTHING else – ANYTHING! Is a no.

So if she says “I want the marriage but give me a week” that’s a no.

“I want the marriage but I need time on my own” is a no.

“I’m not sure I want this marriage” is a no.

That is the ONLY issue you press.

If the answer isn’t a clear yes then you simply state the result of the meeting.

You tell her “I am moving out of infidelity with or without you. I won’t accept anything less than a clear commitment to the marriage. You can’t give me that so I’m simply assuming the affair is still ongoing. I’m moving on.”

Followed by the “I’m sorry you feel that way. If we were… (Go back and read my earlier post on this).”

DO NOT ALLOW HER TO PULL YOU INTO ANY EMOTIONAL SHIT!

Your pain, your anger… These are all things that WILL NOT be addressed with any level of profit or gain in this first meeting. That’s something MC will help with and stuff you two will be dealing with for the next months and even years.

This is a marathon – not a sprint. There is no way you can even start to scratch the issues tomorrow.

It’s like if you were dealing with a forest-fire and you reach the scene with a bucket of water… You might be better off backing away, climbing a nearby hill and assessing the situation rather than spend hours filling and emptying that sole bucket.

So basically A, B, C to Z above are no-entry zones. All you do is go, get her commitment to the marriage or your commitment to getting out of infidelity and then you move on from there.

Love that, Bigger! What great advice for a lot of folks on here that just found out. I wish I had seen this when I just found out. It would have been so helpful.