SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As a person who is much farther out from Dday to D and now into my NB, I can tell you that your sister is dead on accurate on describing how your WW will act going forward. I can also tell you that your logic and your conclusions are pretty much in line with mine as I progressed through my on shit storm.

You will have a NB. Whether it be with our without your WW has more to with her willingness to own her shit, and I can tell you that at her current pace that'll happen way past the point where you no longer give a shit.

You're doing good, Hurt. You're taking care of yourself and your kids, but also allowing those who care about you to help you, too. You're going to have better days coming sooner than you expect.

Eventually, reality is going to start creeping in, the guilt is not going to just go away, and she's going to start looking for another out. That may be yet another guy, but it's also the most likely time that she would come running back to me, begging for forgiveness. And I can't take her back. She will reach out in desperation but will not truly be ready to reconcile because she is still broke and has not honestly faced her own demons. There is a ton of guilt and unresolved feelings inside her, including the death of her mom just a couple of years ago, that she has buried and never dealt with. That healing has to take place before she is capable of being in ANY serious relationship.

I also asked if there was likely to be any sort of reaction when I finally start dating again. The answer: without a doubt. Whether WW still loves me or not, right now she knows that I still have feelings for her and believes she can come back any time she wants. Seeing me with another woman and realizing that I have actually moved on is going to be a serious blow to her ego. The fact that I want someone else is going to be hard to accept, and it's the other most likely time that WW may try to win me back, seeing her safety net or Plan B slipping away.

With all due respect, this sounds like what most betrayed wish or hope for. Haven't most wanted or thought or these scenerios?

We hold on to this, cling to it as some last hope of R, because while it's accepted the reality the wayward has gone, we still cling onto to the hope or suggestion that somewhere in the near future they will come to their senses and see this terrible wrong they are doing.

Thanks JDuff. Appreciate the perspective, and agree with you that my WW is so far away from dealing with reality right now that it's likely going to be a year or more out before things come totally crashing down. By then, I hope to be well into my own NB and am not going to want to have her baggage weighing me down. I'll be happy to give her advice and even help her locate a counselor if she gets to that point. But my focus will be on me and my family, which currently does not include WW.

Tren, I'm sure you're right that most BS cling onto a thread of hope that things might work out. I think it's just human nature, and something to be proud of. It means you truly loved another person and don't want to see it end. But I also see so many people on here showing tremendous inner strength and realizing what they have to do so that they can move on with life. I'm now at that point. I wouldn't say that I'm happy, but I no longer feel paralyzed. I still have a long road ahead and I know there will be a lot of hard days in my future. But there will also be good days, and just being able to say that is miles ahead of where I felt a few weeks ago.

One last thing. Can someone explain to me how to quote other people when you post? I see others do it and the quote shows up in a box. Can't seem to figure it out.

Can someone explain to me how to quote other people when you post? I see others do it and the quote shows up in a box. Can't seem to figure it out.

I start by highlighting the text I want to quote. Right-click, "copy".

Then, bottom right of my screen has a "post reply to this thread" line. I hit that and come to this little white box.

Right-click, "Paste" into this box.

Then, I click and drag, highlighting what I just pasted. To the left of this box are several buttons "Bold", "Italic" and "Quote".

While the text is still highlighted, I hit the quote button.

Voila! You've just put someone else's stuff in a quote-box.

donegone

Stick to texting.

Don't talk to her.

Notice that all her responses are about "her".

Example: You want everything in writing to keep track of what she says.....

Don't waste your breath on her because right now she is only thinking of herself and has been for some time.

HM

Hurt, reading what you write about your family gives me "warm fuzzy" goose bumps.

You are a good man with a healthy outlook.

A wonderful role model for your boys.

A kind big brother.

Happy, right you are. Text only. And even that is starting to get on my nerves. WW texts me little while ago, saying she can't take the kids tonight. Something came up, and OM is having a friend from out of town stay the night. Well, sure, as long as it's something that much more important than your kids, no prob. Keep in mind, she only takes them Mon, Wed, Fri as is. Yesterday for Mother's Day, she had 2 of the kids for a total of 3 hours. Wow, what an incredible sacrifice. DOCUMENTED! Feel like she's slipping back into the old routine again and barely spending any time with them. I'm not even complaining anymore. Just keeping track of everything. If it keeps up, I'm going for 100% custody on all kids. Really pisses me off.

Valentine, you sweetie. I'm really trying to make myself a better person, and in a lot of ways feel that I have. Through all this, I've went through a self-transformation and feel like I'm a better father, friend, brother, son, and overall just better person. Those are permanent changes, and honestly were way overdue. It took a traumatic, life changing event to trigger them, but they are going to carry with me the rest of my life. Just sorry that it took something so severe. The good news is that the next woman in my life is in for some royal treatment. I'll never take anyone for granted again, and I know myself better than ever so will be a much happier, confident partner.

Hurt, what is your gameplan ?

Hurt, what is your gameplan ?

No change in gameplan. Waiting for some phones to sell on eBay to generate couple hundred, then brother loaning the rest to get me started on filing. Hoping to get it all going in next couple weeks. Have to say, I'm really not looking forward to the actual day I file. I know I have to do it and am committed to following through, but talk about a reality check. Think I'm just gonna take couple days off work, cause I'm sure I'll be a wreck.

For you guys who already did it, how bad did that mess you up, and for how long?

You're going to be raw meat emotionally for a while. You will also deny this. If you start dating too early you will attach too fast and get hurt in a rebound relationship - or - you will hurt someone else who is equally vulnerable.

Hurt attracts hurt, broken attracts broken, and both attract predators. Let this be your mantra. After my divorce I got used a few times, got predators, got the equally broken, and ended up taking a year off of dating. I recognized the risk and red flags of xwgf and took a chance on her really having fixed herself like she claimed.

After she walked out amidst lies and fucking OM my IC suggested giving myself The Gift of a Year to get happy without having to have someone in my life. That is really good advice. Find new things to enjoy, new hobbies, new interests, find a new you separate from anyone else.

Good luck.

When I filed from my first WH I was emotional for maybe an hour. At that point it had been months of lies and revelations and half-assed attempts to placate me. By the time I filed I was fed all the way up and just wanted him out of my life. Find peace in knowing that you have truly done all that you can and you have to think about the message you send your children with any decision you make. You can't be married by yourself and she's clearly not thinking about what's best for your children. It breaks my heart for you. I know how you feel.

Thanks Devoted. Solid advice and I had already decided a while ago that I probably would not date for a year. I know that I'm still raw and figured I couldn't give anyone else a fair shot until I'm completely over my WW. But it's good to hear from someone who tried the other way and discovered all the pitfalls. Funny enough, WW got involved with current OM while he was just finalizing his own D (his WW left for his own brother). And my WW is not only getting over the 1st OM (who she left for current guy) but her 18-year M to me. Talk about hurt attracting hurt. Guess we can all figure out where that one is headed.

But my question was more specifically related to just how bad the actual day of filing was and how long it stuck with you. I've been on the roller coaster for weeks and am getting to point where most days aren't too bad. Have a feeling that's going to be quite a setback. Hope not, but when something as small as going grocery shopping alone sets me off, I'm sure file day is going to feel like a sledge hammer.

AS, sounds like you got lucky, at least on that front. Sometimes I really wish I hated my WW. Would make things a lot easier. And really I should hate her for what she did. No idea why I don't or can't. It sucks.

The time I filed I had already put up with literally years of her lying, over spending, chatting with sex buddies while I waited for her to come to bed, telling me that she'd change, being screamed at and hit, threatened, and more that I'd rather not talk about.

I wasn't upset at all. Relieved, really.

The time I filed I had already put up with literally years of her lying, over spending, chatting with sex buddies while I waited for her to come to bed, telling me that she'd change, being screamed at and hit, threatened, and more that I'd rather not talk about.

I wasn't upset at all. Relieved, really.

Well, guess we all have to put in our time somewhere. Not sure which is worse. I fall in the camp of sort of being blissfully unaware so the pain is still agonizingly fresh. Sometimes I wish the relationship would have dissolved into more of a screaming match, where I could have slowly turned my feelings of love into more of a hate or at least disinterest. But then I would have lost those last few months where I at least thought I was happy. I'll keep marching on, letting time do it's thing.

new hobbies or expanding old ones. I also used my anger and frustration to actually motivate me to win the legal battle and in a sick way enjoy the challenge. I helepd me detach almost immediately

new hobbies or expanding old ones. I also used my anger and frustration to actually motivate me to win the legal battle and in a sick way enjoy the challenge. I helepd me detach almost immediately

Thanks Western. Yes, I'm doing all that. Started working out several days/week, which I haven't done in years. It's helping me to get in the best shape of my life. As a bonus, I figure I'll dodge WW a few months, then when she finally does see me, it's gonna be at least a little shock how good I look. That's not my motivation but I will get some pleasure out of it. Also getting involved in some volunteer activities and meeting new people, trying new things every chance I get.

Also, not sure if this is typical or not, but I've almost totally stopped watching TV or playing any sort of phone/computer games. I've found that they just don't hold my attention anymore. Would rather be busy actually doing something around the house or out hanging with friends. Of course, the amount of time I spend texting and browsing SI has gone through the roof.

The time I filed I had already put up with literally years of her lying, over spending, chatting with sex buddies while I waited for her to come to bed, telling me that she'd change, being screamed at and hit, threatened, and more that I'd rather not talk about.

I wasn't upset at all. Relieved, really.

This. My D should be finalized in the next couple of months. I'm counting the days.

It's amazing what happens when you detach and start to see the reality of WW and what you're life has become. The power of the 180!

Good updates! Keep up the good work on yourself!

Thanks Hobbes. Pretty uneventful day today. Was nice for a change. As days roll by with NC but text only, it really does get easier. WW starting to slip into old patterns on spending time with kids, and keeps having last minute excuses why she can't take them. I don't even argue anymore. Just document everything. My request for child support will be based on the reality of what she has done the past few weeks. Let her try to argue with the facts if she wants. I've got details of every day the past 3 weeks, down to what they had for dinner. Doubt she's doing the same.

Oh, heard something today that I sort of laughed about. Kids were over to WWs place for dinner and found out there was a friend in from out of town who has been staying last couple nights. This is a male friend of the OM. Well, OM works 2nd shift so WW and OMs friend have been spending most of day alone together past 2 days. Now, if you were OM, and you just hooked up with someone who you KNEW cheated on her H and lied about it for over a year, would you trust her for even a minute alone with any of your male friends?

OM must think he's really something special, or has a hell of a lot of trust in this friend. But if my own brother had just screwed my W under my roof a few months ago, I think I would have some serious trust issues in that department. I'm just sort of sitting back and waiting for the fireworks. I'll be SHOCKED if my WW doesn't end up with yet another biker dude within the next year. That's her social circle now, and the house of cards she built current relationship on can't last.

I don't even really care anymore. I'll be glad to be free of the emotional shit storm that's bound to follow her for the next few years.