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This is just part of the continued detachment process. You're going to oscillate on those feelings for a bit but the emotional "high and low" cycles flatten out the further you are from Dday and yours was only this past March. Give it another 3 months to where you don't trigger so hard as you recently did. A good thing I used to do when I triggered like that was to go on a long walk around my neighborhood until that initial height of my anxiety gets worked off, then I make my way back home. You get to both work out the trigger in your head while spending the energy that would have been used to deal with the trigger in an unhealthy way. Sometimes, I took my phone along and called up a friend to chat about the trigger or just something entirely different to get my mind off of it. Then end benefit was walking off all those pounds.

DBL post

[This message edited by Jduff at 1:48 PM, June 8th (Monday)]

Keep strong, we're proud of you for handling this so well! And if you by any chance stumble and break NC or stumble any other way, don't worry, we'll be here to help you pick yourself up and go on stronger!

Thanks for the replies guys. I held off and didn't contact WW earlier at all. She finally texted me early afternoon and asked how the kids enjoyed their weekend. So we exchanged a few messages, and sad to say, it did help my mood. But that was pretty much it all day, and I honestly didn't mind. Started my 1st night volunteering with a youth outreach program and it was a blast. Got to play football, soccer and basketball with a bunch of inner city kids of all ages. Totally wore me out and had a great time. Came home in good mood, made dinner for kids and actually enjoyed the rest of my night, totally absent of any further WW info.

This Wednesday night I'm planning on going to a meetup group for first time to do a hike along a local nature trail. Looks like there will be around 10 people so good chance to make some new friends, and it meets every Wednesday. So I'm getting there and hard to believe but it is getting a little easier every day. Just the damn setbacks make you feel like you're not making progress but I do bounce back a lot quicker lately. Starting to realize there is life after infidelity, even when your WS bails out of the house. I'm sure there are still many rough days ahead but hoping those are more limited to big events and not a daily occurrence.

Great update, so nice to read! Keep it up and weather the storms as they come!

Sounds like you are doing well. Good to hear!

Well, another quiet day overall. Heard from WW via text a couple of times but just about some financial matters. She's trying to squeeze every last little dollar out of insurance before it goes away next week from the job situation. Sometimes I feel like I probably wouldn't hear from her at all, if it weren't for kids and money. Sad to think I've been reduced to mostly a bank account in her eyes, in spite of her repeated exclamations of wanting to be "friends". We'll see how long the texts continue when I'm officially unemployed for a few weeks.

I was reading something today talking about sometimes people who get involved in an A end up mentally creating a threesome type relationship. They want the thrill of someone new, while keeping the stability of the old partner. When the BS cuts off contact, it is like taking away a leg of that threesome and causes the A to start falling apart. Anyone ever hear of or experience anything like that? And before anyone comments, that isn't what I'm hoping for. Just found it interesting.

HurtNAlone

Pulling out of the threesome does have that effect.

Also making a conscious effort of being just a coparent and not her "friend" also will make her feel additional loss.

These are consequences for her decisions that she made.

In time when you heal and become whole you might decide to be friends with her.

But she has to earn it. She has to deserve it.

Give yourself time to become whole. To make new friends. To do new things.

You might just come to the realization like I did that my ex did not deserve my friendship nor did I want to give her any of my happiness.

I had no kids with her so the interaction was very little. You do not have that choice.

Do you want to know what makes them think did I make a mistake?

When she sees you as a happy whole man that loves his kids, loves life and no longer sees her as anything more than the mother of his children....

I look forward to the day when you think that way.

HM

[This message edited by happyman64 at 6:59 PM, June 9th (Tuesday)]

Thank you Happy. Honestly, I can't wait for that day either. Looking at it objectively, I know she doesn't deserve my friendship. And I wasn't giving it to her for the first few weeks. But I'll admit I have been slipping a bit and texting here and there about non-critical stuff. Even an occasional phone call. The problem is that it feels good for a little while and probably gives her exactly what she needs. But then a day or 2 later, I usually feel pretty crappy, especially when she goes lights out completely. So I'm helping her and hurting myself.

Only good thing about it is she has totally calmed down and seems pretty open to anything I suggest on the D at this point. So guess I'll keep playing along for another couple of weeks til I file and then try to back off again. Think I realistically need like 3-4 months with minimal contact to really try and get over her. Sort of makes me sad, but I don't see another way out. Otherwise, I'll be carrying this little torch for the next 2 years, secretly hoping that MAYBE things might still work out.

Also, update on plans for filing. Losing my job sort of slowed everything down, but found out I'm actually gonna get 15 weeks of severance and with my experience, fairly confident I can find something before that runs out so gonna file early July. I could do it now, but looking ahead 6 months, that puts us smack dab in the middle of December. Between Thanksgiving, 2 kids birthdays, Christmas and New Years, I honestly didn't want an annual reminder of how bad my life fell apart during the holidays. So I'm shooting to finalize early January. Wish me luck.

Hurt,

You have endured a double dose of shit sandwich that should not happen to anyone of your character.

I suggest using all of your energy on your job search because healing for you will be much easier once the stress of that is taken care of. Put 100% into it which will leave you less time to think about the bad stuff.

My D Day and all the make believe I had to do during the Holidays so our girls would know nothing is not something I am looking forward to either.

You can get through this one step at a time starting with the job.

Now on your question, you are not helping yourself giving her emotional comfort of knowing you still care about her. You really once the D is final just go dark on her except for kids stuff or financial stuff. no small talk. CRICKETS>

It is time to help yourself. She does not deserve your kindness and you have to accept she did this to you and is not sorry at this point.

Take care of HURT

"Also, update on plans for filing. Losing my job sort of slowed everything down, but found out I'm actually gonna get 15 weeks of severance and with my experience, fairly confident I can find something before that runs out so gonna file early July. I could do it now, but looking ahead 6 months, that puts us smack dab in the middle of December. Between Thanksgiving, 2 kids birthdays, Christmas and New Years, I honestly didn't want an annual reminder of how bad my life fell apart during the holidays. So I'm shooting to finalize early January. Wish me luck."

OP,

Not trying to be an ass here....just want to get you to really consider this point.

I think you are making excuses here to not file....you're dragging your feet.

You're life wouldn't be falling apart in December....it's falling apart NOW.

Put it in this perspective....when some one close to you passes....do you remember the day they died or the day of the funeral?

Is it because you still haven't settled your mind on the fact that she is not coming back and this HAS to happen?

Is it because you still haven't settled your mind on the fact that she is not coming back and this HAS to happen?

No offense taken. I appreciate any and all objective feedback. No, it has nothing to do with me dragging my feet. I've talked to several other divorced people recently. The final day of divorce WILL be a milestone and nasty memory. Maybe not in 10 years but in the next 2 or 3 years? Without a doubt. It's a matter of 3 weeks. Thanks again for the comments, but my mind is made up on that particular point.

Another update. Just had my first drunken call. Probably bad timing as I was about 4 beers in myself so of course I took the call. You just can't make this shit up. She's mad because this is the first time in a while she was able to get out and drink, and her designated driver wanted to leave early. Funny enough, the OM doesn't drink! LOL. WW is a drinker for sure, and to make things even better, he monitors how much she drinks when they are out. He was working tonight so she was thrilled to get out w/o him and it didn't work out like she planned.

Oh, and get this. She invited me out to play darts sometime and wanted to know if I would mind if she drank and I be the DD. ROFL! I was like, what is OM gonna say about that? She said "He isn't gonna like it, but it's not like we're doing anything wrong.". OMG. Is this standard WW behavior? I can't help but have a smile on my face about how it's all falling apart already. Don't worry, no change in plans on filing for D or spending time with her. But I do love that karma seems to be calling already.

[This message edited by HurtnAlone at 10:22 PM, June 9th (Tuesday)]

Glad to hear about the severance pay and the plan for filling for divorce. Please, consult an attorney if you filling before getting the severance pay affects her entitlement to the severance pay.

Keep the course, you seem to be doing relatively well! Also, please don't drink, you don't want anything bad to happen to you or for you to do anything stupid while you're drunk, and your kids need you sober at all times.

Best wishes

HnA,

She still sees you as her security blanket...that and so she can feel less guilty herself is why she wants to be friends.

I respect and understand your decision to delay filing, but get it done as soon as you can given your plans.

It will send a clear message that this 'friends' bullshit ain't gonna happen.

If she wanted to keep you as her bff she should have not cheated and stayed loyal.

Also, please don't drink, you don't want anything bad to happen to you or for you to do anything stupid while you're drunk, and your kids need you sober at all times.

Don't worry Hobbes. It's not a regular thing but last night the kids were fed and set for the night. I was ready just to kick back, watch some TV and relax. Wasn't depressed or anything. Sometimes a guy just wants a couple of beers.

She still sees you as her security blanket...that and so she can feel less guilty herself is why she wants to be friends.

Dyok, I'm sure you're right, but I'm actually glad I took that call last night. I like hearing that things are starting to unravel for WW and that she is missing at least some of the things she took for granted with me. And it's not because I'm still hoping it will work out. It's because I want her to feel consequences. The fact that she is willing to spend time at a bar with me and wants to get drunk enough so that I have to drive, in spite of the fact that it would clearly make OM very uncomfortable, just reinforces to me her mental issues. She's totally inconsiderate of anyone else's feelings. OM isn't getting treated any better than I did, and I figure it will be the same with any guy she gets involved with until she deals with her own shit.

I know she doesn't deserve my friendship. And I wasn't giving it to her for the first few weeks. But I'll admit I have been slipping a bit and texting here and there about non-critical stuff. Even an occasional phone call. The problem is that it feels good for a little while and probably gives her exactly what she needs. But then a day or 2 later, I usually feel pretty crappy, especially when she goes lights out completely. So I'm helping her and hurting myself.

You really need to stop taking calls, and texts.

Go crickets, man. It isn't good for you.

This is the message you need to send her

Hey gang. Been a few days so wanted to post an update. Still riding the up and down days but they are generally not as bad as a few weeks ago. WW was mostly out of contact since last Wednesday and I'll admit, it was a little hard to take, since it had been almost daily for the first part of the week. But I held strong and didn't initiate any contact with her either.

Finally heard from WW yesterday because she wanted to come over and pick up a few more of her things, including an extra queen bed we have. I really didn't want to give it up, but had agreed a few weeks ago so figured easier to just let it go than turn into a fight. So as we are carrying it out, she notices a couple of broken supports in the box spring. She was upset, thought about it for a minute then totally changed her mind. Said she wasn't taking it after all since it wouldn't support her back that way. She was a cross between moping around and totally pissed off. I stayed calm and cool, but couldn't help but have a giant internal smile the entire time. She ended up sort of storming out and not taking anything. I was grinning ear to ear; poor princess didn't get her new bed.

So she's gone for about an hour, calls me and apologizes for acting like a 2 year old and wants to know if she can still come and get some of her other things. I agreed so back over she comes and loads up most of her clothes, a dresser and some small odds & ends. I documented everything, as usual, and off she went. Left quite a few glaring empty spaces in the house and sort of left me feeling bummed the rest of the night. Another one of those triggers that yes, this is real and is your life now.

So I texted my sister and we had a good time talking about all the ways to have fun with WW if she does decide she wants that bed after all. Itching powder, half gallon of milk sitting on it for a day or two, you name it. And I had to literally LOL when she said after WW saw the broken bed, I should have apologized for going at it a little too hard with those twins the night before. So I ended the night feeling pretty decent overall and slept just fine. Thank God for my sis.

Still on track to file early July, probably right after the holiday weekend. Speaking with my attorney this week to get the paperwork started. Sort of nervous, given my current job situation, but I'm not too worried that I'll be able to find something in a few weeks and I am covered through a generous severance package for a couple of months at least. There are times I get lonely and times I think I want her back, but then I start remembering all the stuff she's done to me, and would be likely to keep doing if she were around, and I snap out of it. I feel sorry for her, my kids, and me for what was lost, but know that me and the kids are better off without her right now. So still going forward guys, slowly but surely.

It does get better doesn't it. Slowly, but surely.

Glad to hear you're starting your path forward. Keep it up, man!

Thanks for the update, I'm glad you're doing better! Keep talking to us, we're here for you. Best wishes