SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

U&B -

Sorry to hear your story. So, she goes down there on weekends to bang BF and then comes back to your place and rubs it in your face? That's rough and incredibly cruel.

Honestly, divorce is probably your best course of action. Keeping the status quo will just drive you insane.

You should consult a lawyer immediately. Separate your finances as well. See about getting WW kicked out of your appartment (see lawyer).

You've really got to show her consequences to her actions for her to change her behavior. Unfortunately, it seems that she is already out the door and really doesn't care about consequences (especially WRT to you).

So sorry.

There is a saying on here you may have seen..."You have to be prepared to LOSE your marriage in order to SAVE it."

I can't speak for others...but for ME...this held true. I caught my 1st H (XWH) with OW#2...and he left me the next day to stay with her. It didn't last long...and I thought I could "nice" him back. It worked...until he would find his next OW. We never were truly in R after he left...but my XWH would come back for a few weeks...then leave. It was a HORRIBLE time for me . Your story reminds me a lot of what I went through with my XWH. It wasn't until I started seriously dating the man who became my 2nd H (FWH)...that my XWH decided he REALLY wanted to R. It was too little too late.

Forward 30 years...and I find myself sitting on the couch with my 2nd H confessing to an affair. Only THIS time...there was no anger...no crying...no emotion at all on my part. As soon as he said he had sex with another woman...I calmly told him the marriage was over. It SHOCKED him right out of that fog!! We started talking...and within the hour I gave him ultimatums for R. He agreed to every one of them...and the first one he did immediately...writing the NC message to the OW. Whatever residual feelings were left for the OW were quickly gone when she sent him a scathing reply to his NC message...showing HER true colors. He's never looked back.

I cannot say that by being this way...preparing to lose the M in order to save it...is a 100% guarantee that it will work. But I have had to deal with TWO cheating husbands...and what has been said on here about the way I acted when I found out about each affair...was absolutely 100% what happened to ME.

Ok, things you need to do RIGHT NOW:

Physical Health:

Go to your doctor: Get an anti-depressant and sleep aid. Get tested for STDs.

Food: You will not be hungry and you will be losing quite a bit of weight. Please eat little bits during the day – nuts, dried fruit, protein shake. Your appetite will return with time.

Drink: Water. NO ALCOHOL. Alcohol is a depressant and, while the desire to avoid the pain is understandable and normal, doing so will only prolong the grieving process.

Exercise: Walk, gym, swim – whatever, but move.

Shaking: You may be experiencing the shakes. This is normal for the traumatic event you have just endured, are enduring. It will subside with time.

Hot baths with magnesium rich Epsom Salts. Lights off. Candles. Meditation music.

Sleep – you will not be getting much sleep, maybe four hours at a time at best. In bed, soft comforter and lots of body pillows – play the meditation music, too. This will get better.

Mental Health:

Find an Individual Therapist just for you. If you don’t like the first one, keep going until you find the right person for you.

Extricate yourself from your abuser (I believe infidelity is abuse). Separate yourself from this person. Either out of the house or, at least, out of the bedroom.

Do not engage in sex with this person until STD tests have come back, and until you feel safe emotionally.

Read the Healing Library on this site.

Read and implement the 180.

Go as no contact with this person as possible for the time being.

Talk. Talk to a dear friend or a relative that you trust. The temptation will be to go to the person who hurt you for comfort, because they were your best friend. Right now, your spouse is someone else. Do not seek comfort from them.

Cry, scream, pound (not people), pray, curse - whatever you need to do.

Obsessive thoughts: You will not be able to control your thoughts and will obsess about the affair day and night. This takes a very, very long time to go away. Just know that it is normal. Don’t try to force out the thoughts, but do try to distance yourself from them and observe them.

Rage and anger: Get prepared for a rage like no other. Put in place some safeguards to keep you from acting on it. It is not uncommon after an injustice such as this to experience fantasies of murder and suicide.

Suicidal thoughts and actions: Call the national Suicide Prevention Hotline.

PTSD: Many of us suffer from PTSD after Dday – especially if you have been blindsided. This is true trauma.

Panic attacks – these are miserable and it feels like you are dying…you are not. Breathe through them – deep, slow breaths. Go to the emergency room if you need to. If you are driving and get triggered, pull over! These will subside with time.

Repeat the follow: THIS IS NOT MY FAULT. I DID NOT MAKE THIS PERSON CHOOSE THIS PATH. THEY ALONE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS LIFE CHANGING DECISION.

Get your ducks in a row financially and see an attorney – just in case.

Also, document all the marital money she has spent on the affair. That money is marital asset and you are entitled to half.

I am sooooo sorry you have to be here. This is a death and must be grieved as such. It is the worst, and I believe this to be true, the absolute worst pain that a human being can go through. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but know this, YOU WILL SURVIVE. How do I know? Because I am surviving, and I am the weakest of the weak.

Keep posting. We are here.

Blessings.

I am really sorry you are here. No-one deserves to be treated like this and I am glad that you have exposed her to friends and family and separated finances.

However, why are you still living with her? When she gets ready to go there next weekend, tell her to collect all her shit and not come back.

She is gone from your marriage and let her have a 3-times divorced man....

Look after yourself. What does your son think about his mother?

I don't know anything about Prozac, but that seems worth looking into. I know you can find anything to support any argument online, but this is listed as a side effect (among other behavior/feeling related symptoms):

Loss of One's Own Sense of Reality or Identity

You are doing great. I know you don't feel great, but you are doing what you need to do. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and protect yourself. She doesn't matter, and the POSOM definitely doesn't matter.

Be prepared to learn more, and be prepared for her to go batshit crazy. The POSOM is going to be coaching her to destroy you, OR that relationship will fail and she'll blame you for everything.

Hang in there. Listen to your lawyer, and for goodness sake, don't be afraid to act. Ask yourself what you'd tell a friend to do if he was in this situation, then do that.

It'll get easier and better.

I'll reply to a few posts in this one reply... lol...

Thanks for the support. I feel like I'm losing my mind, so it's nice to get some encouragement.

I'm still living with her because the apartment is a luxury apartment and we can't afford to maintain two lives right now. We have to combine income to pay all the bills. I've got it split so I pay some and she pays the others.

And yeah, he's been coaching her on how to destroy me. Every time she talks to him, she does something new, low, and just plain cruel.

but he's ugly as hell, too. The affair fog is STRONG with this one.

They always affair down on outside or the inside.

I hear you on,, that one day life is going great and the next it is like WTF??

A lot of us has had that happen here.

Your wife sounds like is so into the FOG like my WH. It's almost harder when the AP is single. At least in my case it was. They cling more to our ww's and actually think that they belong to them. They have nothing to lose like the ones that the AP is married or has a family. Don't get me wrong it is all horrible but to me there is something worse for the ones that are single. Our WW's can actually go to their place and there is not trying to find a place to go to fuck or hang out. They can pretend to have a real relationship.

Personally ( and this is just me talking about it from my experience).

Don't chase her, plead, beg, being needed, or woohoo about your marriage or you guys).

Take all her shit and put it out and tell her to go be with her other man. Tell her she had her time to figure her shit out and that if she doesn't love you than get the hell on because you don't need to waste your time on someone who will actually treat you the way that she has. Tell her your hurt but she is not your whole life and you can do better.

The thing is... is that it become a game to them and they CAKE EAT a lot if we allow it.

The sooner you kick her off her fluffy beautiful cloud of shit than the better. The longer you know what is going on and she is flaunting it in your face the worst it become on you and your pain.

UGH I feel for you because the way she is being remind me of a female version of my wh. Sorry

I'm still living with her because the apartment is a luxury apartment and we can't afford to maintain two lives right now. We have to combine income to pay all the bills. I've got it split so I pay some and she pays the others.

I know it is scary but you can separate???? Wh and I are separated and it is a struggle but worth the peace of mind.

Yes, OW use all she could to brain wash him about me. She even went as far as looking on public records and pulled up the wrong me and told him I had done this and this. We had a blow out fight from it... I said you have been with me nearly 19 yrs don't you think you would know if I went to jail???

And a ton of other shit that were all lies. And you what pisses me off the most? Is that he believe this evil bitch. And I had to jog his memory that it never happened or it was not true after a huge fight.

I don't miss those days. I hate that evil cum slut! And this OM sounds just as evil.

UnlovedAndBroked,

So sorry, your story is heartbreaking, and similar to mine. My wife has BDP, and for the 17 years I was married to her, she always took Prozac (opposite to what your wife did), which in a way tamed her BDP, but as she said, always made things not as clear as they should be. Two years ago, she decided to slowly wean herself off the prozac, and thats when things got bad.

During the two years, she went from taking Prozac every other day to not taking them at all. At the end of the two years, I discovered that she was having an emotional affair, which led me to find out that at the beginning of her weaning herself off the medication, that, and just like your wife, she also found herself an older man (She was 43, and he was sixty), that she had a sexual affair with.

I begged and pleaded for my wife to go back on them, because even though we had our up and downs during our 17 years of marriage, while she was off her medication, it was as if the devil was underneath her skin, and she did not want to detach from the emotional affair that I had just discovered. She was in this fog, and the thought of having an affair with someone, who had no kids, no financial burdens etc, and had plenty of time to spend with her, while she ran he husband down to, got her very excited.

As you had mentioned, I am also no Brad Pitt, but I am 6ft4, slender vs the new emotional affair guy was short and overweight, while my wife is slim, tall and athletic.

At the time, I did not want to discuss it with anyone, until I could not take it anymore, and called my MIL (her mom), who came to my rescue, and finally convinced her to go back on her meds.

We are six months from DD, and the reconciling is improving day by day, but still a tough one to accept, but hopefully will improve with time, with the effort we are both putting into our marriage now.

Everybody reacts different to medications, especially selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) such as Prozac. Even though your wife started taking Prozac, and started acting different vs my wife stopped taking it, and acted different, it may very well be the meds that has thrown her into this underworld. You might think of involving her parents, or someone close to her, that can talk some sense into her, and get her to stop taking her meds - it is worth a shot, because if that is the reason that is causing her to do her thing now, she is not going to change while she is on it, no matter what you do.

My heart breaks for you, and we all know the pain, and hurt you are going through. Take care, and I am hoping and praying that she comes to her senses, and sees what she is giving up. You take care of yourself.

[This message edited by downintx at 1:41 PM, May 13th (Wednesday)]

I see you went to a lawyer. Good for you.

But I think you're concentrating on things that simply don't matter, in the end. These two cretins go to church together in what you said is a small town - I'm sure the company she was going to work for has employees who have gossiped about these two and the word has spread all over town. So concentrating on 'outing them' to everyone down there is wasted energy. Probably most people know, already.

Love is blind, alright. I remember being 37 and no 50 year old guy, especially a 3-time loser in the marriage department, would have gotten the time of day from me.

Your wife married you to raise her son. He is an adult so you have served your purpose as the beta provider.

I, too, think this is pretty accurate. Being a nice guy has gotten you absolutely nowhere but screwed over - every which way into Sunday.

I just put myself in your situation, hypothetically. I'm leaving my house every weekend to go sleep at another guy's house, someone I've told my husband I was "in love with." He would have packed up my shit and probably thrown it in the driveway, changed the locks, taken me off all the financial accounts we have (which you did - good!) and would have been at his lawyer's office on Monday morning. And I hate to say it, but if he did none of those things and instead was just waiting around for me - week after week after week knowing where I'd been every weekend - I'd see him as weak and spineless with no self respect.

I think you'd be very wise to take the reins and start being proactive, rather than reactive. You're letting her run the show and walk all over you. That means she has no respect for you at all.

Change the game plan. It's time to get a new sheriff in town.

I just saw you are only 32 years old! I know this hurts like hell now but just be rid of her ASAP. You will be amazed a few years from now how great your life will be without her.

You are young enough to marry again some day (to someone faithful), have a family, have a rich full life! A year or so from now this could seem like just a bad bump in the road if you don't take her back when her relationship with him fails (which it will probably soon).

You can keep a good relationship going with your stepson too since he is old enough that your hopefully stbx will not be able to stop your contact with him. Just feel lucky to have escaped from her without lasting ties (spousal support, child support, etc).

Thanks for the replies! I'm glad to see that you seem to be handling this extremely well!

Yes, the book from Robert Glover. It helped me tremendously. Another very good book was "Toxic parents", also available online for free if you google "Toxic parents pdf". It gave good insight into why I grew up to be very codependent, a people-pleaser etc. I'm not saying you are a "Nice Guy" or that you had toxic parents or anything, but they're both free books and you might at least find out some nuggets of worth in them. Alternatively, they might help your son in the future. I know I wish someone had told me about them when I was in my late teens.

What's the battle plan for the next few weeks? Have you talked to the landlord about getting off the lease? Have you talked to your lawyer about what kind of proof of infidelity you need? Do you need to file for divorce to prevent her from getting her own credit card and racking up marital debt? If she's getting coached by others, it might be in your best interest to file ASAP to protect yourself financially.

Best wishes

Yup. I'm only 32. Got married at 22.

And it's been an AWESOME 11 years... balls. Just, balls.

Hobbes, I have a CRAP TON of FOO issues. I think the suggestions from you will be good for me. And I have already started seeing a therapist as of last week.

I had an alcoholic mother that was mentally, verbally and physically abusive growing up. She tormented not only myself and my brothers, but also my father. Which in turn made my father at times snap and become abusive as well.

Sooooo... yeah. I'm a people pleaser. It's one of my coping mechanisms that protected me as a kid. And, I've spent 11 years giving this woman every single thing she ever asked for. Wanted. Demanded. Without hesitation.

I've been a "good guy" and waaaaaaay to easy going and I think I lost her respect because of it.

Hence, her shock today at my beginning the 180. She's been texting me all day trying to make chit chat like we're friends right now and I can tell she's nervous. She's not used to me standing up for myself and taking control.

Don't answer those texts! Soon, your gonna get one that's gonna make you want to lash out at her. DON'T. This is how she gets the power back.

Lash out here instead.

You are doing great, and best of all, you are seizing this opportunity to learn about yourself and make improvements with total disregard for how she feels about it.

Okay, so question.

How do I stay strong with the not-answering-texts and the not jabbering away with her at home?

I tried this before when I first exposed the affair and I cracked like an egg when she cried and said, "I thought you didn't want things to be this way? I thought you want to work things out. We can't do that if we don't talk."

What do I say/do when she brings that up again. I'm pretty sure she will tonight.

And, I understand 180 isn't about manipulating her into picking me and working on the marriage. But, I'd like it if she did decide to stay and work this out with counseling and transparency. So... I don't want to leave her thinking I hate her.

Go into another room, ignore her besides, you're not going to work anything out if she is still going off to OM's.

You can't control what she does, but you can certainly control what you do. Plug in some music, read a book, do some things that you like doing.

The WS mentality, if you remain being "friends" (like fuck youse are, but any non-shouty/non own your shit-type conversations are "friendly conversations" to WS's) , is that things can't be as bad as you say/think they are if you're still buddies!

It's a sick and twisted way to justify the affair to themselves.

[This message edited by MollyMoo at 3:13 PM, May 13th (Wednesday)]

Good job toughening up.

Your FOO issues made you vulnerable to her manipulation. Perhaps you should have been more assertive in your relationship. You can go over this in IC, which you will need to sort this out.

I suggest that you encourage her to spend as much time as possible with her true love. Write her an email and tell her that you are happy for her and that she shouldn't worry about you. Document her infidelity through her replies.

1) A very difficult issue looms. Who is going to pay for your step son's college education? You are a loyal guy and probably cannot imagine betraying him as his mother has betrayed you. For the moment you should not discuss this with him or her. Keep it under your hat, for I can assure you that POSOM does not intend to fork over tuition money for the pussy he is getting. He would sooner find a new girlfriend than shell out tens of thousands over the next 4 years.

Whether or not you decide to support your step son is huge issue for him and you. You should most definitely ignore your WW if she tries to suss out your plans. It will be your son who must come forward and approach you. It is a sorry state of affairs, but you did not create it. And you should not be a doormat.

2) You are young and can find a new partner. You say you are not handsome. Women don't care about men's looks that much. Hit the gym and build your upper body. Learn to speak less. Listen more. Women fall for mystery men. You have a job. You are desirable. Right now you are not ready to date. Concentrate on taking care of yourself.

3) Both of you are on the lease. Can you afford it on your own? Is it too much of a trigger to stay on? Again your son's situation is a dilemma. Where is he to go?

To very frank, I see little or no possibility of reconciliation in your situation. Certainly no meaningful future exists. All of her thinly veiled lust for OM has been thrown in your face. Would ever want to compete with the sweet memory of their fornication.

Your WW may have found her soul mate. However, POSOM sounds like a needy bugger. His mendacity reeks of pettiness. Let your WW enjoy him. I doubt it will last. But you can hope that this enchanted love will last long enough for you to make a smooth exit.

I realise what I have written sounds like a pro divorce policy. In fact, reconciliation is great, but your WW is very poor prospect. It is not just the question of wondering whether you can ever trust her again. She has no passion for you. She may come to respect you again if you stand up for yourself, but as woman she has completely insulted you.

Hate her? Tell her that you will always think well of the good years you had together. Your aim will indifference.

[This message edited by LongWalk at 3:21 PM, May 13th (Wednesday)]

My understanding of the 180 is that it is not for couples that are both all-in on reconciliation.

"we're being careful" does not qualify as all-in for working on the marriage. I suspect you'd agree.

So OM is like Mother Teresa?! Wow, that one is rich...

she cried and said, "I thought you didn't want things to be this way? I thought you want to work things out. We can't do that if we don't talk."

Your answer: "You told me your decision is to separate."

No begging, no pleading, and get yourself away from her as much as possible. I personally would not agree with separation, but insist that it is either marriage or divorce. Separation keeps you available as a plan B.

Sorry dude.

E.