SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Your strength inspires me..

Try to stay motivated to take care of yourself in healthy ways..

After one has made a life changing decision, eventually the drama will die down...Things tend to get quiet and very very lonely..This is the long haul...But normal....

Not a bad thing if one has had experience with grief, has IRL support and can learn how to deal with it..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 6:23 PM, May 13th (Wednesday)]

Brother I'm sorry this shit is happening to you. This has to be by far the worst example of a cheater running all the plays directly out of the WS handbook. Holy shit, she is a textbook cheater. Everything you are assuming about her buying time, using you as plan B etc. is spot on. She has already decided that she is going to use you as a roommate and financial crutch until she has her son situated and out of the home, all the while she will be skipping off to OM house for her dose of attention, validation and lets not forget sex. Watch your back because in her fantasy filled head she is not past doing anything to keep her A going, up to and including having you locked up on some bullshit DV charge. I suggest you make this A as ugly as it really is. Expose what's going on to anyone and everyone who you think should know, friends family, coworkers etc. Drag her cheating ass into reality by filing for D and cutting her ass off completely, especially financially. Enforce severe and firm consequences for her actions and allow her to live in the reality of her choices. Pack her ass up and ship her to the OM, leave her and her personal belongings on his doorstep. I'll bet my left nut that a week or two later she comes running back home crying for forgiveness. OM is in it for the NSA sex and don't think for one second that he wants a steady reality based relationship from her. Shoot he may even show her the door before she even gets in. The best course of action is to force her to into the life she is so craving, give her exactly what she wants. But in return you have to shut her out completely. Earlier you said she was a good person making bad decisions. Fuck that line of thinking, good people don't lie, cheat, deceive the people they claim to love. She is not the person you M, and you have to understand that she is gone forever. Holding onto what was will only get YOU hurt, treat her like the enemy she is. Infidelity/Divorce is war and must be treated as such. Take no prisoner, show no quarter. Go on the offensive and do not let up until you achieve your objective. Good luck my man.

Aaaaaand the tantrum has begun. I ran home to change clothes before I went out. She asked me why I've been silent all day. I told her it's not punishment, I love her. But, I'm not going to pretend we are normal. I'm not going to tolerate disrespect, I'm not going to tolerate her relationship with the POSOM. I have enough self respect to make boundaries.

This isn't punishment. It's a protective shield for me. The shield will be in place until I feel safe from further harm.

She has been crying, started trying to bait me into arguing. I got in the car and drove away. Never got to change clothes.

Oh, and just now, my MIL texted me that I'm a fucking asshole. So, this is going swell.

If you want your wife back, the best thing that could happen is if she goes to live with the other man. Then she will find out why this guy had three divorces before this.

She has daddy issues - seems correct. You are a pleaser - yes also. Bad combination when things go south.

YOUR WIFE: She is "in love" with other man, idolizes him, can see no wrong.

OTHER MAN: He has found a good-looking piece who is fun in bed, but he won't be so great if she has to put up the bullstuff you have had to deal with. She is not changing those selfish habits for him, the ones you catered to for her.

YOU: You are a pleaser, you have eaten a lot of shit sandwiches from your wife for a long time in that marriage, you just were OK with it because your wife was completely in love with you. You must admit, she always has been self-centered and selfish, you have always catered to her.

This is my opinion based on other people I've known. Do you think this is the first time I've ever met a hot-looking daddy-issue who married with a pleaser?

WHY THIS IS TOUGH FOR YOU: Not much experience, you've been with her your entire life adult. Plus, she's hot and fun in bed. I bet it if you really look at her personality and selfishness, you will find that she is not such a great find. YOU ARE. She was lucky. She is going to find out that other man is not a great find like you were. On her side, she has had other guys, she has had way too much experience with other guys. It's amazing she lasted faithful as long as she has. And I tend to believe that she has been faithful up til now. Even though it may be quite a while, she does not have that "only" type of attachment feeling that you have. We all have had that "only" thing once, I'm sorry you will have to feel like it was to lose that "only" woman.

Tell her to go live with other man. NOW. Tell her, face to face, that you are not being friends with her any longer, you will talk to her only about finances, your child, or divorce issues. Tell her that you will consider staying married to her, but as of now you are moving on, and only you might consider staying if she ends the affair completely, no contact. Tell her you are a good catch and you will find another woman quickly, an honest person, reliable, good provider, stable, loving, good father - there are a lot of women who will be happy to find a guy like you.

Anyway, that's how I see it.

What does wife's mother think about the cheating?

What does your son think about her mother cheating? Do your wife's mother and your son know that she has sex with the other man every weekend? Are wife's mother and your son still friendly with your wife, or are they avoiding, saying negative, or what?

Well it seems it's time MIL hears your side of the story, if you care what she thinks. I can't imagine what your WW told her. Perhaps that you are being "mean" because you don't like her boyfriend?

I would file tomorrow, if I were you. She sounds like she may get vindictive.

I'm so sorry she is putting you through this hell. It is not uncommon for WS to try to demonize the BS to make themselves feel better. But deep inside she knows she is behaving very, very badly.

I just want to say that for most of my M my H did not attempt to meet my needs, while I knocked myself out to meet his. I never once considered cheating on him, but he cheated on me. Your WW has no excuse.

Stay the course.

Aaaaaand the tantrum has begun.

Manipulation. Like a 7-year-old.

I'm not going to pretend we are normal. I'm not going to tolerate disrespect, I'm not going to tolerate her relationship with the POSOM. I have enough self respect to make boundaries.

This isn't punishment. It's a protective shield for me. The shield will be in place until I feel safe from further harm.

She has been crying, started trying to bait me into arguing. I got in the car and drove away. Never got to change clothes.

Oh, and just now, my MIL texted me that I'm a fucking asshole.

Sounds like she is delusional. Are you used to giving in to her whenever she cries and tantrums? If so, you trained her. It might be a while before you can re-train her. Cold turkey is best.

While you are out, go buy that voice-activated recorder. She might be calling the police on you by the time you come back.

Just Let Them Go

I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity.

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,

let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,

"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse,

and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,

wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?

Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.

A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?

To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?

What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?

They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point,

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.

You don't fight them on this issue.

You agree with their feelings,

they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",

you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",

you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

Bravo to you for getting that jerk OM fired ! Don't think that didn't hurt him, it did, big time. Hard 180 your wife, remember you have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to have a chance on saving it. Contact an attorney an start getting your ducks in a row. Play hardball. STAYSTRONG.

Dude, why is she still in your house. Kick her out and be done with it all. Fuck her mother tell her to pound sand and let her know exactly with the proof you have what a lying cheating POS you WW is.

You really need to get out of this situation. And even if she ends the affair do not be quick to reconcile. Remember what she is doing to you...lying, cheating risking your health by having sex with some low life. I am sorry man but a spade is a spade and your wife has it in spades.

Do something before this turns ugly and you end up in jail.

Move half the money out of your joint acct. cancel all joint cards and make yourself scarce. I see this going really badly. Protect yourself. Have a VAR always but better yet avoid her at all cost go to a friends and stay or hotel but get gone.

Oh, and just now, my MIL texted me that I'm a fucking asshole. So, this is going swell.

You are. Your wife is lying to her Mother as well.

So what are you waiting for?

Expose the affair. To all your family. If her father or step father is sick leave him off the email.

Drop the bomb. Move forward with your attorney.

Keep showing the tough love. Keep showing your wayward wife consequences for her lies and infidelity.

Like stronger said this is war.

And you need to be the bigger asshole right now.

Like I said she will never respect you and continue to use you until you show her consequences.....

That goes for her Mom too. She will not respect you until she knows why.......

Now get going.

HM

Man o' Man cheating spouses are like robots programmed with the same faulty code.

Get the hell out of this relationship as fast as you can. I can't say it any simpler than that. You will be much happier than you ever have been if you can imagine that and at this point in time I know you cannot.

She is telling you "I'm doing what I want to and you cannot stop me..."

Your response should be simple, concise, and to the point "Go fuck yourself, enjoy your life, get the hell out."

Like happy said above, drop the bomb. I Armageddon'd my WW and the results were very very very uplifting for me. I told family, friends,coworkers anyone that wanted to know what had happened.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, It's not your lie to keep, it's hers to live.

[This message edited by ShellGame at 11:10 PM, May 13th (Wednesday)]

If I were in your spot, I would text the following back to your MIL:

"So I'm an asshole for not talking to or allowing WW to draw me into a fight?....So what does that make your daughter for going off every weekend to fuck this POSOM while she is married to me?

If you have nothing constructive to add for somehow ending her A and repairing this M, please stop communicating with me at all."

Sorry you are in this mess. I found something when I was looking up the side effects of Prozac (and there are many), but the one that struck me is "mood or behaviour changes".

I don't think that should make your life much better at this point so let's look at what you could do. Get the divorce papers ready and hand them to her before she leaves for her weekend with POS. Tell her to enjoy her new life with the old POS because you don't want to stay in a three way marriage. That should make the weekend miserable. If you don't have time to do it for this weekend, do it for the next. Don't wait 2 months as I expect she wants the school year to be over before she jettisons.

Continue the 180 and the minimum of conversation with her. Leave her texts unanswered, that can really unsettle a WW as she doesn't know what you're going to hit her with next. Take good care of yourself and (hopefully) get plenty of sleep.

Don't you hate that feeling when you're being manipulated? It amazes me how so many WWs flip the script and have the audacity to act like you've wronged them.

Listen to everyone here and keep your eye on the prize - which is the rest of your life without her.

Toxic is an understatement. No one deserves this much torture. I feel for you brother. Stay strong, focused, calm and committed.

I would be so tempted to respond to MIL:

"I'm sorry, I think I got a text meant for your daughter, considering she's been fucking an asshole OM for the last 2 months, and has no intention of stopping.

If that text was indeed for me, I would appreciate if you got your facts straight first, before you show the world where your daughter got her spoilt self-entitled behaviour from."

I know you want to "save" your marriage but your WW really isn't giving you any choice in the matter right now. She actually thinks you are being mean to her ... just because she is having sex with another man on a regular basis. It sounds bizarre but that is the way she sees it. "Why does he have to be so mean about it?" She is trying all of her normal stratagies - tantrum, crying, telling others how mean you are... and nothing is working.

Please hold strong to the 180...you should not have to explain it to her again. Tell her that three people can not be in a marriage that she should move in with OM if he makes her happy but that she should continue to pay rent until DS is out of the house. That's her plan anyway, except that she would stay with you until DS leaves. Neither of you are happy with her in the house why not make the break now?

I know that it seems like this advice is not going to help you save the marriage but... her and OM are not going to last. Her being in the house stringing you along is not good for you or her son...though I'm sure she enjoys the drama and ego kibbles that two men fighting over her bring.

GET that VAR - Within the past week we have had two members have fake DV charges brought against them. They are basically facing two months of court dates until they can get into their house. If your wife were to claim DV she would get the apt, and stress free visits to OM for the next two months, better yet she could use the DV charge to take the focus off of her A and put it on you and battery.

Links to the two recent posts about fake DV - might scare you into getting that VAR today.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=560559

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=558286&AP=181

[This message edited by Freeme at 6:09 AM, May 14th (Thursday)]

You notice that ALL of her communications are about her, right?

You're making HER uncomfortable...

What bomb you're gonna drop on HER...

No questions about how you're feeling that has made you so silent.

Keep the texts from MIL too. They come in handy at the restraining order hearing.

You're starting to see true colours now. This is what she really is. This is what MIL really thinks. Remember that.

This is not a good person making poor decisions. This is her. She's shown you who she is; believe her.

Yep, you need to send MoolyMoos suggested response text. That will certainly recalibrate the conversation.

Well, when I went home last night, she was waiting up for me. I have the VAC now, BTW. It was on me.

We had a pretty civil talk. It was actually, for the first time in weeks, a talk about how we feel and not who did what. But, during the course of that talk, she told me she's considering going down there again this weekend.

I got stone faced and cold. And I simply said, "If you go down there, do not come back."

Her eyes got wide. "W-what? This is my apartment too. You can't kick me out."

I said, "I'll have a lawyer fix that. You go down there, don't come back. I will file for divorce and I will move on with my life."

She thought for a second and said, "What about our son? What am I supposed to do with him?"

I replied, "You should have asked 'what about our son' when you decided to take up with another man. We're way past that point now."

Oh, and check this out: The POSOM sent me a private message on Facebook last night!!!! What the...?!?!!??! Really?!

If you're curious, here's the exchange:

POSOM: When I first met [your WW] she said that she had problems with you but wanted to work things out. I believe that your behavior has led to where you are. I really care for her and am not willing to stand by and see you hurt her. Your actions have driven the relationship between us. I am sorry for your misery but recognize my feelings for her. She deserves a person who will love her for who she is not what she can do. If you are truly a Christian then you will eventually figure out where you went wrong. Be blessed and know that our God loves you just the way you are....but he will not leave you that way.

ME: I know where I went wrong, [POSOM]. And I've owned up to it. I don't love her because of what she does. I don't even know what you mean by that. I have done much prayer and I know what needs weren't met, what changes in myself are required. You need to recognize my feelings for her. She is not my property. But she is my wife. That means she's off limits to anyone else. No matter how seemingly noble your cause, there is no nobility in pursuing a married woman. I get that we have issues, I get that I've hurt her. And she's hurt me. If you are truly a Christian then you will disengage your pursuit of her. At least until she can clear her head and decide whether or not she wants to proceed as being married. If she decides she wants divorce, have at. But until then, there is no honor or blessing in your pursuit.

And, as an outside force with an obvious ulterior motive you do not need to meddle in the affairs between her, myself and [OUR SON]. You need to respect what is left of our family and let us solve this on our own.

POSOM: I actually agree with your premise. I have only stepped up because you were acting incorrectly. If you treat her correctly then I will stay out of it.

-----

At that point, I disengaged. I really wanted to let him have it with both barrels. I probably should have. But I felt there was no point. Honestly, I shouldn't have even answered him. Don't know why I did. I don't buy his nice guy act for a second. He's no nice guy. Nice, reasonable guys don't give other men's wives the business.