SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

To the gym, Unbroken.

Also, I like your letter. But, you might have to let go of your son for him to see what the EFF is going on with your horrific WW.

SHE is the WOOOORRRRSST. Not a helpful observation, but damn!

Hang in there UAB !!!

You're reeling from everything you have faced (& handled so well!) recently and your son's reaction is obviously hurtful.

He's hurting and lashing out. Teenagers can be volatile in tbe extreme and often hit out verbally at those closest to them.

Keep in contact with him, whether he replies or not, continue to love and support him emotionally and trust that in time his nature and upbringing will prevail and the son you know and love will re-emerge.

Jumping late on this wagon…

I think your letter is great.

But… That evening isn’t about you or your wife. It’s all about him. If HE doesn’t want you there then you respect that. I would consider adding somewhere in the last paragraph: I won’t go without your consent.

DS,

I am sorry that you are hurt and angry. It hurt me too when your Mom decided to go be with her boyfriend again.

I should have explained to you that I told your Mom that there would be consequences if she went back to her boyfriend. As you know, she did.

I know that you do not realize this right now, but this needs to happen. I am sorry that you think this is the cowardly way out. I'm sorry you had to deal with your mom upon her arrival. I'm not trying to ask you to pick a side. Your mom needs you right now. Be there for her. As I told you the night we told you what was going on, I respect you enough as a grown man to tell you the truth and not sugar coat it. This is a complex situation and the actions your mom and I take are not simple to understand. And they are in no way a reflection upon our feelings about you. I'm sorry you're trapped in the middle.

I'm trying to say, sometimes, adults have to make hard and messy choices. They make a stand and expect to be treated with respect.

Maybe one day, you will understand why I handled things this way. I love you and have no intention of ignoring you.

I am so sorry that all of our lives have been torn up with this. I promise, DS. I love you. I am for you. I'm not abandoning you and I'm not running away. But I do have to take a stand.

That is what I am doing. Standing up for myself and taking back respect.

If you want to distance yourself from me right now, I understand. But I'll always be here. My door is always open to you. You're a good man. You're smart, you're funny, you're a man after God's own heart. You have so much integrity and honor. I could not be any more proud of you. My life has been enriched by you.

I'd like to be at the band banquet, to cheer you on and celebrate your achievements with you. You don't have to talk to me there. But please know, I'm going to support you, because I'm proud of you.

Love always,

Dad

There's too much here about you & your WW. The letter needs to be more about you & your son. Maybe something like this:

DS,

I am sorry that you are hurt and angry. My intention was never to hurt you.

There is never a good time or an easy way to end a marriage. Due to the circumstances, I felt the only thing for me to do at the time was leave. I am sorry if I left you in a vulnerable position. Again, this was not my intention.

I know that you do not realize this right now, but this needs to happen. I am sorry that you think this is the cowardly way out. I'm sorry you had to deal with your mom upon her arrival. I'm not trying to ask you to pick a side. Your mom needs you right now. Be there for her. As I told you the night we told you what was going on, I respect you enough as a grown man to tell you the truth and not sugar coat it. This is a complex situation and the actions your mom and I take are not simple to understand. And they are in no way a reflection upon our feelings about you. I'm sorry you're trapped in the middle. You need to know that we both love you very much.

I am so sorry that all of our lives have been torn up with this. I promise, DS. I love you. I am here for you. I'm not abandoning you and I'm not running away from you.

If you want to distance yourself from me right now, I understand. But I'll always be here. My door is always open to you. You're a good man. You're smart, you're funny, you're a man after God's own heart. You have so much integrity and honor. I could not be any more proud of you. My life has been enriched by you.

I'd like to be at the band banquet, to cheer you on and celebrate your achievements with you. You don't have to talk to me there. But please know, I'm going to support you, because I'm proud of you.

Love always,

Dad

[This message edited by sadtoo at 12:46 PM, May 19th (Tuesday)]

Dang. I thought I did good removing a lot of content about her.

I like your revision, though.

Hey UAB,

I feel for you. I know, firsthand, how crushing it is to get rejected by your teen for something like this. It hurts so badly, on top of the searing hurt your WW has already put on you.

He's hurting too. I find that my kids were more likely to lash out at the person they trust. The one they think can handle it. The one who will love them no matter what. In some ways, he may be testing you... to see if you will walk away like his biodad did.

My DD called me "pathetic" for trying to R. They can lash out no matter which path you are on. They just hate having their family torn apart.

Don't give up on him. Keep reaching out, even if he rejects you. I know it's rough. But I agree that you should let HIM decide if you go to the banquet. He needs some sense of control over his situation. He may be worried that you and his mom will make a scene if there together. You need to ensure that that doesn't happen. This evening is for HIM. He needs that.

I have been through 2+ years of trying to help my kids through this mess. I truly know how hard it is. I had kids who wanted different outcomes. Felt pitted against each other. The best I could do was keep talking to them, get 1-on-1 time with them, show them my love for them would never change. Over time, it's paid dividends. It's not healed yet, but we're making progress. You will too. Just don't give up.

You've done it every hour since this started. Every hour that you do it you get better. Like a frog boiling in water one day you'll wake up and find yourself in a good place. If you break NC or say something to your son, then all of those hours will turn from a positive to something your ex-wife can leverage against you.

One step at a time. Breath in cool, healthy clean air and exhale the dirty, congested shit air that was put inside of you by her. Every breath picture the cleanr crisp air coming out, and the smokey, sulpher air coming out. Over and over and over.

Either version sounds good to me. I do feel like you need to send something and then call after he is done with school.

Reassurance is what he needs. If he is adamant about you not going, respect his wishes but let him know that you will not stop and propose that you take him out. I would even see if he would want to do dinner with your THIS week. He needs it, but will never ever say that. You are getting the fuck you dad treatment. I gave it as well. Expect it. But continue to be loving and open with him.

I would keep it as in, that you are going. He will let you know that you are not welcome and you can respond with an invite to dinner or something.

[This message edited by Freeme at 12:42 PM, May 19th (Tuesday)]

Your letter was great you did it about him and re assured him.

Let him cool off this can not be an easy situation for him, and believe it or not he may be mad at her, but feels he can only vent and project towards you, if he was comfortable with you.

Stay the path, stay healthy.

Hi UAB,

I am sorry you are in this position. It breaks my heart.

I wanted to give a little input from someone who was 17 when my mother was having an affair on my father. I saw my father walking around with a broken heart. I knew it was at the hands of my mother, but they were both hiding the real truth from my siblings and I. We were not stupid and it was very tough on us. We knew my Mom was most likely having an affair. I wanted and needed to know the whole truth. I caught my mother in a straight up lie and I had enough and I demanded to know exactly what was going on! I needed to know. I was old enough to know.

My mother came clean right after I demanded the truth from her. My father knew the truth of course. She was having an affair. Had tried to end it, but took it under ground. My dad found out again and my Mom continued to have the affair, with him knowing. On top of it, I found out my youngest sibling who was only a few months old, was not my fathers baby.

This was all very tough to hear, but I was so glad I knew so I could deal with my confused feelings correctly. I encourage my parents to talk with my other siblings in their teens. They had a right to know.

It wasn't easy for any of us. I am not sure why, but sometimes I was angry at my father too. Not just my Mom. Emotions were all over the place! Knowing exactly what was going on, helped me work though my own feelings about it all. I was almost 18 and a young adult and could handle the truth. It wasn't easy, but I was glad I wasn't in the dark any more.

My father talked with me about the truth, but never bad mouthed my mother. I appreciated him for that. My mother (who cheated) bad mouthed my father trying to get herself to look better in her children's eyes. I am not going to lie, I believed some of the things my mom told me about my dad and why she cheated. Maybe that is why I was angry at my Dad for a while? My Dad was a kind, hard working, amazing man. My Mom was hardworking and amazing too, raising 10 kids at the time. I think she wanted a way out, and cheating is how she did it.

Let him know what is up and that you will not tolerate disrespect. Be very truthful with him. He knows what is going on. Just don't bad mouth his mother. Talk to him like an adult. My teenage brothers and sisters and I were so thankful to finally know the real truth, so we too could deal with the confusion and start to heal ourselves.

My two cents. Keep telling your son you love him and you are there for him. I think, send the letter, telling him the truth about what his Mom is doing and did to make you leave. Straight up truth, without bad mouthing her. He deserves the real truth. He is old enough. I was angry at both of my parents for a long time. Now, years later things are great with both of my parents. It takes time for the children to heal from all of this too. Their world has just exploded! He will come around some day. Hopefully sooner then later.

I think you are doing amazing! I wish I had been as strong as you in the beginning. It took me way too many years to be strong again. Keep up the NC. NC= no new hurts!

Call your son directly. Talk to him. He thinks you are rejecting him so he is rejecting you.

I'd be careful about making assumptions about what DS is doing based on what WW told you. My WW would make shit up about what my kids did/didn't want. I contact them for the straight dope.

Sometimes I get played by the kids for a few extra bucks, but oh well...better than WW telling me kids didn't want to do something, I not pay/participate then find out they did. Guess who gets blamed?

Jules, thank you for your insight. It has given me much to consider as I move forward.

Worn, I reached out to my son. He has yet to respond. I believe his anger at me right now.

How do you know that your son doesn't want you at the banquet? Because your W told you that. Have you known her to lie to you from time to time? And she followed with "Now are we going to talk about that".

She was trying to bait you into engaging.

Maybe your son said that. Maybe he said I don't want him to go if he doesn't care. Maybe he said nothing. Don't automatically believe what she tells you.

Tell him you want to be there as you have been every other year and you want to make sure you weren't cancelled but if you were you want to sign up again. Don't mention her. See what he says and use it for an opening for further conversation

Sad's letter is exactly what needs to be said. Notice there was nothing about "mom and her boyfriend".

Copy and send.

And your son is in school. Let him get through that before you start spiraling. Maybe having to sit through classes and dealing with the home stuff is overwhelming him. Give him some time. Wait for tomorrow before spiraling down.

You really are doing good. It's tough and we are here to catch you.

k9

You have to understand blood is thicker than water. Much much thicker.

You are of course in the right. You raised him, took care of him etc etc. Morally yes, you should be reaping the rewards due to you as his dad. Yes out of all that sucks about this situation with your wife's infedility, there should be no sides, your son's love should be the one remaining unconditional thing in your life.

This is not life unfortunately. And life is not fair.

As harsh as it sounds you have to let him go. As a man you're asking him to decide between his natural mom and you, maybe he's not ready to go against his mother, you're the soft option, it's easier to play the mother's side and dump on you because ultimately it's easier on him.

He's now a man. Just like his mother, if he feels he is justified to crap all over you after what you've done for him and what he's mother has done to you. If years down the road he can still find justification for treating you like sh*t then that says a lot about him rather than you.

You have to let him go. Show him you love him and you will be there for him but do not take disrespect. It is unwarranted and unjustified.

You wrote to him, now let him be. He's punishing the only man who's been there for him throughout. Again if he cannot see that than that's on him.

Sorry for the 2x4. Good luck

I certainly do understand that he may side with his mom, simply because she is his mom.

Hurts, but I accept that it is a very real possibility.

Did you send him the email yet or just the text about band? He might not want you there because he is afraid you and WW will cause a scene at one of his last school functions.

All of the stuff you've done — the email, messages, etc, have all been pretty okay. You write clearly and logically. Your WW is using the very relationship that she wanted to build, that with her/your son. Now she can hurt you through him. She is motivated by her emotional intelligence to seize control.

Right now she can no longer cake eat, having lover on weekends and husband during the week. In her mind you are pressuring her to choose between a man whose body stimulates lust and the man whose presence triggers guilt.

You have no legal tie to your son. Both he and hus mother are going to be thinking about this. This question is existential for your son. You cannot remove his anxiety. Going to the band event will not change the dilemmas he faces.

Your WW has to decide what she wants from you in divorce. If you pay alimony and child support, she wins. If you get out of them, she will blame you for the reduced chances he has. If your son gets scholarships to university, your WW will attribute his success to herslf and him.

Also, don't forget that for a 17-year-old boy the thought of mom ripping of her clothes to fornicate with some crusty old dude is unbearable. It is far easier for him to imagine the of OM as mom's coffee date chum, not some horn dog Episcopalian BS artist.

[This message edited by LongWalk at 3:58 PM, May 19th (Tuesday)]

The absolute worst part about this entire thing is that it's not just that he satisfies lust for her.

She's repeated over and over about how this isn't about anything physical (although, they are doing plenty of fucking.) She reiterates time and again about how it's "emotional, mental, and spiritual."

She's given him not only her body. She has given him her heart, mind, and soul. That hurts worse than anything else she could have done. It'd be one thing if it was for the sexual thrill. It's completely different when I consider that it's not about sex - it's about giving him HER ALL.

I haven't told y'all this, it's a little embarrassing, but one of the times that she was telling me about how it's not physical, she attempted to throw me a rather lame bone.

She told me, "Look, it's not about the sex. To be honest, the sex is not good. If it were only about sex, I'd still be with you. You're much, much better."

Honest to God, that's what she said.

I just sat there in silence. What do you say to that? "Gee thanks. Hope your soulmate reads the Kama Sutra!"

OMG. I forget who suggested it (this thread is so damned long) but I've started the list of every hurt through this horrible ordeal. I'm going to stare at it like mad until I get Hulk level pissed every time I even THINK about breaking NC.

My brother is - and most of you are - right. Not worth it, walk the hell away.

[This message edited by UnlovedAndBroked at 4:00 PM, May 19th (Tuesday)]

I just sat there in silence. What do you say to that? "Gee thanks. Hope your soulmate reads the Kama Sutra!"

It's probably little relief, but I laughed at that, loud enough to draw attention at work.