SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

UAB

I have been reading your thread but have not commented. Others have given you great advice which you have followed, and you have handled this tornado of a shit storm well once you got in gear.

I hope you mean it when you say you will stick around to use your example of what you did right and wrong to help others.

You know it was a mistake to not file sooner when she refused to stop going down there for the week end fuck fests. And i think by now you know that a 17 year old who is graduating from high school knows what cheating is and could have absorbed the truth before she brainwashed him.

That being said, I think now it is time to focus on YOU and stop worrying about letters to the boy for a while. Eventually the truth will surface in all its ugliness, probably when her boyfriend gets tired of her and she tries to crawl back.

Either way, you need to get her out of your life as fast as possible.

You were a smart guy in not turning your tail and running when you got advice here that was hard to take. There are a few others who started posting when you did who have already departed because they thought they would get a magic bullet here that would bring WW back to them by being Mr. Nice Guy.

So i am not giving you much advice but hoping you can keep moving forward, and that you will stick around to try to help some of those unable to move past denial.

best of luck to you.

Thanks for the advice, everyone. I'll figured out how best to proceed in contacting DS. In the meantime, I'm focusing on me.

I have to tell you, the impulse to reach out to her and try to talk is strong. I'm fighting it. I recognize it's not healthy. I'm not going to do it. But, it's strong.

I am serious about sticking around and helping others. I know my case is a doozie and I figure I can help others walk through their own crap storm. If I, the beta male with co-dependency issues can walk through this, anyone can.

I had a really good talk with my brother last night. He is not the type to sugar coat. He just looked at me angrily when I told him if she came crawling back I may consider R. And then he very bluntly said, "Can you hear yourself? Knock it off. Look at what she's done to you. There's no coming back from that. You think you'll be able to forgive and one day forget. But you won't. It'll be in the back of your mind every time you look at her. You'll lay in bed next to her and wonder not only how she could do it to you, but if she's doing it again now. Don't be an idiot. Your relationship is dead. And if I see you trying to R with her, I will hit you so hard you will forget who she even is."

He got all the alpha male genes.

Wow, your brother loves your guts, for sure. That was some serious truth he dropped.

Your brother is rigth!!!

When ever you are feeling weak and thnkingof reaching her post here, vent here, but for God sake dont do it!!!

You are doing great, you say you are a beta but your are doing like an alpha, and faster than most of us.

Keep the good job

Please mention that you wish to pay for his counselling and that you hope that in the future you will allow him to rebuild the relationship with him, with or without the help of a counsellor.

Best wishes

Listen to your brother!!!!!

He has your back and will support you. Transfer some of his Alpha genes to yourself by listening to him.

Well, I am most certainly a beta male by nature.

However, betas can become alphas when pushed. Sometimes you start out Walter White and end up Heisenberg.

Score one for the brother!!!!!

k9

Hi,

I have only just found this thread and can't believe I haven't seen it previously otherwise I would have chimed in sooner. Fortunately you have done everything right. Even with the hindsight that most of us here have regarding the signs she was giving you, it didn't take you long to see them for what they were. The fact that you were decisive will help your healing enormously.

Right now you are going cold turkey. Your brain is craving the wife you loved and adored. The desire to reach out to her is overwhelming. We get that. But you must stay strong. You must know that seeking answers from her is not going to cause anything but pain for you. Her answers will be half truths, twists, blameshifting and delusional. You already know the truth. In time you will start to see that aspects of this person were always there, under the surface. It hurts like a motherfucker. You are doing really well.

You may be able to take some relief when I tell you that she is text book. My thread, and many others on here are so similar beneath the surface. Some are crazier than others (ask me how I know) but ultimately they are all cut from the same cloth. Aren't we lucky (read: sarcasm)

Truth.

Your wife has used you for your entire marriage. It would have been sort of OK if she had held up her side of the deal, i.e., been faithful.

Sadly, when she was saying to herself that she wanted to move on to a new guy – and she has had that in her head for sometime – she hesitated because you were step–dad. She wanted to protect her genes. All of the time she tolerated you, your bond with her son deepened. She succeeded in creating a separate relationship that will survive the death of your marriage.

In biological terms the vagina access she allowed you never resulted in child, but secured your commitment of resources (financial and emotional) to POSabsentdad and her genes.

By divorcing her you force a complete revision of your relationship history. Was it real? Of course this is difficult to fully know because at some level at some times she may have loved you. You cannot get into her head and know when and how her disrespect ruled internally.

As to reconcilation, I doubt is worth consideration.

By going dark on her you will find the going easier. Do not feed her greedy ego by being emotionally vulnerable or available.

To the gym, Unbroken.

Is it bad that I have trouble believing she was using me the entire time? I don't think that was the original intent - or the intent for most of the time.

I feel like somewhere in the last year, something changed. I'm wondering what and why.

You need both alpha and beta traits for a good relationship. You bring out the alpha when the boundaries are crossed and your spouse shows disrespect in the M. The codependency tends to keep us in the beta too long to the point we get stuck in the endless beta loop while the relationship balance tips far to one side.

UAB, make no mistake that you are being Alpha through your own journey out of infidelity. You are the one taking the right actions, the "manly" actions, to pave the way for your better future. Contrast that to the actions of the OM, who "preys" on the weak, sits safely on the sidelines and in the shadow, who is satisfied with sloppy seconds, who cannot be authentic enough to seek a partnership with a woman who is single, healthy minded, independent and strong in spirit because those type of women see right through him.

You will come out of this with the confidence of an individual who survived through a betrayal so bad that even combat vets have described its experience, and the associated PTSD as being worse than that from actual combat. And let me tell you, that confidence, paired up with being happy with yourself and in your pursuits, is what draws those women who are single, healthy minded, independent and strong in spirit, toward you.

Not only will "living your life well" get the best of your STBXW, but the moment she finds out you are dating one of these healthier women she will be jealous of your new beginning and internally comparing herself to your new woman. I've seen it first hand with my XW and it is both sad and amusing, but all the more validating to the choice of moving on.

Is it bad that I have trouble believing she was using me the entire time? I don't think that was the original intent - or the intent for most of the time.

I feel like somewhere in the last year, something changed. I'm wondering what and why.

You've got time to work that out. Right now, worry about right now. You've been doing great UAB.

Is it bad that I have trouble believing she was using me the entire time?

You will be able to analyze the M the further you are out of it. Trust us. Right now you just can't see the forest from the trees because you are still in the thick of it. CanoeVA is right, just give it time and focus on what's going on right now. The clarity will be there the more your emotions are removed from the situation and you reach indifference toward your STBXW.

Is it bad that I have trouble believing she was using me the entire time? I don't think that was the original intent - or the intent for most of the time.

I feel like somewhere in the last year, something changed. I'm wondering what and why.

I think I told you 20+ pages ago not to try and get inside her head. Don't torture yourself trying to psychoanalyze her...I've done enough of that for both of us

just keep focusing on YOU

You've been a total alpha male through this ordeal. I wish I was half, no a quarter, as strong as you when dealing with my STBXWH.

Keep on keeping on, you are doing great.

Is it bad that I have trouble believing she was using me the entire time? I don't think that was the original intent - or the intent for most of the time.

I feel like somewhere in the last year, something changed. I'm wondering what and why.

As others have pointed out, the time to reflect over this will come but now you should focus on yourself and to keep the way.

I understand the needing to know what went wrong, what you did wrong, etc. It is strong right now, but you should realize that the answers of all of these are not in her and maybe never will be. So asking her is a waste of your time.

She changed in her mind your past and your present together to justify her affair, in her head she can’t accept to be a bad person, she can’t accept she put her family in such pain, that’s why she goes to the church with OM, she cannot accept her wrong doings for her own sake!!!! She can’t allow seeing herself in the mirror and seeing the truth. This is why she is fighting very hard to prove, to herself and others, that she is right and her love for OM is strong and meant to be even they have been together for a very short time.

From now on fantasy land will start to fade, once an affair comes to light starts to die because there is not more special time to run scape from life for a while, as soon as she and OM start spending normal days together they will realize that maybe it is not a good idea.

Any how She will try to keep it, fight for it, as she switched her family for her affair. The reality will hit her hard, this is not a speculation is fact!!! Be aware that it doesn’t mean will happen tomorrow or once she relies OM is a POS she will run back to you, she probably will fight to prove that even OM was not Mr Perfect your marriage was not working any way and will find a new POS. Understand that for her mental health she needs to believe this.

Soon you will realize you weren’t that bad, that you didn’t met her needs but not in such a bad way as she needs to believe.

Give it time; keep the contact business like, just about D and son. The less you see her, the better you going to be.

Is it bad that I have trouble believing she was using me the entire time? I don't think that was the original intent - or the intent for most of the time.

No, it isn't. No one knows but your WW what her intents have been from the beginning. I would imagine it wasn't some long term diabolical plan of your WW's, but then again, who knows? I would also imagine the selfishness, the brokenness was there from the beginning, but easily hidden, especially whilst we are wearing the rose colored glasses.

What is bad is to let that deter you from believing who your WW is NOW , no more rose colored glasses, no more "benefit of the doubt". She is telling you loud and clear who she is now, please believe her. ((((((((UAB))))))))))

True.

I'm saddened to find out that she's not who I thought she was. I really am.

I broke NC just now.

WW emailed me, asked me if she should cancel my registration to our son's Marching Band Banquet.

I replied with:

Do not cancel my registration for Band Banquet. I would still like to attend. I don't wish to seem as though I am punishing DS for the trouble between us.

She said:

Oh, well, I don't have the extra so I just sent a check for me. You weren't talking to me so... I will text DS and see if your reservation has already been canceled. I have changed OnStar to my bank account. Are there any other changes I need to make?

I came back with:

I will send the money for my registration.

Thank you for changing OnStar.

No, no further changes that I can think of.

----

I'm going dark again. I felt that, since it involved our son and I wanted to make it clear that I'm not hammering him, only her, I HAD to reply.