SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Now, she replies with this:

DS said he had already unregistered you and would prefer you not be there. Are we going to talk about this?

---

Now taking suggestions.

Well, it was about the kid. But you can still see how she tries to manipulate by being passive agressive "you weren't talking to me.." and attempting exclude you from participating.

You responded accordingly, but next time leave comments like

I don't wish to seem as though I am punishing DS for the trouble between us.

Out of it. That's an ego kibble she's gobbling right now. I can even hear here going "nom-nom-nom" out here in Dallas.

Remember, brief and to the point, only finances and kids.

I will send the money for my registration.

Thank you for changing OnStar.

No, no further changes that I can think of.

This is why I said that, as you are heading to D, comunications must be just about D matters and Son.

I belive you should let her know you are diviorcig her! As no R is in the future and you are not trying to get a civil and amicable D you should let her know.

The following part was absolutly not necesary, next time avoid it.

Thank you for changing OnStar.

No, no further changes that I can think of.

You shopuld really call your son to explain that is very important for you to be with him at the Marching Band Banquet. Dont let your STBXW brain whash him.

Text your son to confirm. Do NOT talk to her.

I think the exchange was good. It was about your son and financials and you were brief and to the point.

The NC is to keep you from an emotional exchange about why she did this? If it was really worth it? If she's sorry? Does she want to try and work it out... Basically, these conversations never play the way you want them to and you end up feeling beat-up and worse off. Her emails have been very hands off - she is planning for a divorce, has been prepped and is ready to run off with OM.

Side not I think OM is crap and that she will start to see cracks in their relationship in 3-6 months. I see him as a very Charismatic person... Preaching his own type of religion and beliefs (more Charles Manson then movie star).

Just saw her most recent reply. I'd send the letter to your son but add something about how you would like to attend the banquette but will understand if he would rather you not be there and perhaps you two could do something else together.

I also think she wants you to accuse her of having an A so she can say that she isn't.

[This message edited by Freeme at 11:25 AM, May 19th (Tuesday)]

Talk to your son, not her.

Dont even answer her question!!!

Talk to your son now!!!!

Let her know you would like to be with him!!!

That no matter what you will always be his father!!

Just dont talk to her anymore.

make clear to your son taht you moved away from his mom not him. He is going to be angry and she is going to use him... be strong!!!

No, you didn't break NC.

You discussed your son and finances, which is what is supposed to be discussed.

And that passive-agressive slam to you about not talking to her anymore so she just assumed you weren't going to the event is so totally wrong on her part. I understand what she is doing and I would love to tell her to stop it and grow up, that she caused this problem and accept the consequences of her actions.

Maybe some day she will become self-aware enough to understand what she's done.

UAB, my kids were 17 and 15 when my world imploded and they had front row seats to it. It is only within the last year, now that they are 27 and 25 and are starting to gain some maturity that they are beginning to understand the enormity of FWS's actions. Yes, your son is 17 and understands infidelity. But he has to mature to be able to truly understand what his mother has done. Just hang in there and try to maintain some type of a relationship with him until he can really understand what happened.

k9

I reiterate NO CONTACT with her. She is baiting you.

I'm not going to engage in further contact with her.

I meant I'm taking suggestions for talking to my son about his desire for me to not be at the band banquet. He's a senior. This is the one where he's celebrated as he hits the door and enters adult life. I've been there for most of his life. I've been to every banquet, cheered him on at every performance.

I'm shattered yet again by his desire to not have me there.

I have to tell you, the impulse to reach out to her and try to talk is strong. I'm fighting it. I recognize it's not healthy. I'm not going to do it. But, it's strong.

Let me start out by saying you are doing great, much better than I did at your stage.

You must keep NC with her. This is the only way to put emotional distance between you and the devastation she was caused. This will get easier as time goes by but keep in mind, every time you have contact with her, it will re-set to the emotional beginning for you again. When this becomes difficult just remember what she did to you. The lying, cheating, and insanity she has caused in your life. Make a list of all the S**t she has put you through...everything she has done. When you feel weak...read it. Visualize her and her posOM banging away. Let yourself feel the anger!

Not to sound like Darth Vader but in my case...it worked. Every time I would get a text or a phone call from her, or start to feel weak, I would simply read the long list of the crap she shoveled on me. The anger would swell up inside me. It made NC much easier. As time goes on, I didn't need the list as a reminder, it became natural...almost second nature. Also, I realized in time that I didn't need the anger element anymore. It turned into indifference.

[This message edited by Decimated at 11:35 AM, May 19th (Tuesday)]

No more conversation needed with her.

Go to the school and register/pay to attend the banquet -- so that your attendance there remains an option. Speak to your son at some point between now and banquet night. You can decide whether to attend or not after your conversation with him.

I have a feeling that speaking to him sooner rather than later is a really good idea because right now it seems, at best, that your WW is encouraging him to be angry at you....and at worst, she is actively trying to turn him against you. She seems to be trying to get him to *side* with her so be aware of that and don't allow her to be your go-between with him.

eta: I, personally, would go to the banquet no matter what either of them said. You don't have to engage with them at all and you don't have to *force* your presence on either of them. Just be present. Stand against the back wall and watch the awards-- and then leave quietly when it's over. Son may be too upset right now to appreciate the fact that you attended, but he'll remember it and someday it will mean something to him that you were there.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 11:42 AM, May 19th (Tuesday)]

UAN,

Did you tell him you are getting D?

If not he may be thinking you are trying just to punish his mom for a while and that you dont care about him. He must be really angry.

You shoul let him know you are gettin D, that her mom choce to leave to be with OM knowing what will happened. Explain that you move out becsuse you need to be away from his mom rigth now for D matters.

Let him know this was not your decision, and that is for good

Have you spoken directly with your son about attending his banquet?

Until you do, don't go down the rabbit hole that he hates you.

Call him. Email him. Text him. SHOW him how much you love him.

k9

Call your son directly. Talk to him. He thinks you are rejecting him so he is rejecting you. I did the same to my parents in this shit storm.

Talk to him and reassure him that you love him. Talk from the heart. Your first email was fine. Sounded like it was from the heart to me.

Just keep it up. He needs to hear your voice. Be prepared for him to lash out. That is normal. He's pissed, heart broken, and above all else scared. His world as he knew it is gone. Reassurance is what he needs. If he is adamant about you not going, respect his wishes but let him know that you will not stop and propose that you take him out. I would even see if he would want to do dinner with your THIS week. He needs it, but will never ever say that. You are getting the fuck you dad treatment. I gave it as well. Expect it. But continue to be loving and open with him.

Call him.

yop

I send him a text just now, since I know he's at school.

I told him I love him and I'm thinking about him. I told him I'll pay for my registration for the band banquet and that I look forward to being there for him.

So far, he's letting me eat crickets.

I'm poised to lose it all, guys. Lose it all.

You've still gotta play your hand, U&B.

You are getting a bigger shit sandwich than usual as far as I can see, but sometimes us Alphas have to eat shit too.

You can't see the future. Listen to YearsOfPain, he lived through infidelity as a child. He understands it more than I can, and maybe more than you can too.

You can't fathom what will happen in the future, but I guarantee that it's better this way than living the way you were before.

You will not lose your honour or your self. You WON"T. Don't let her have that. Never that.

It'll all work out, brother, it will.

[This message edited by ChangeMaker at 12:04 PM, May 19th (Tuesday)]

Alright, so here's the revised version of the email I'd like to send him:

DS,

I am sorry that you are hurt and angry. It hurt me too when your Mom decided to go be with her boyfriend again.

I should have explained to you that I told your Mom that there would be consequences if she went back to her boyfriend. As you know, she did.

I know that you do not realize this right now, but this needs to happen. I am sorry that you think this is the cowardly way out. I'm sorry you had to deal with your mom upon her arrival. I'm not trying to ask you to pick a side. Your mom needs you right now. Be there for her. As I told you the night we told you what was going on, I respect you enough as a grown man to tell you the truth and not sugar coat it. This is a complex situation and the actions your mom and I take are not simple to understand. And they are in no way a reflection upon our feelings about you. I'm sorry you're trapped in the middle.

I'm trying to say, sometimes, adults have to make hard and messy choices. They make a stand and expect to be treated with respect.

Maybe one day, you will understand why I handled things this way. I love you and have no intention of ignoring you.

I am so sorry that all of our lives have been torn up with this. I promise, DS. I love you. I am for you. I'm not abandoning you and I'm not running away. But I do have to take a stand.

That is what I am doing. Standing up for myself and taking back respect.

If you want to distance yourself from me right now, I understand. But I'll always be here. My door is always open to you. You're a good man. You're smart, you're funny, you're a man after God's own heart. You have so much integrity and honor. I could not be any more proud of you. My life has been enriched by you.

I'd like to be at the band banquet, to cheer you on and celebrate your achievements with you. You don't have to talk to me there. But please know, I'm going to support you, because I'm proud of you.

Love always,

Dad

STOP NOW. LOG OFF.

Go outside for a walk.

You helped raise your son throughout his formative years and he wouldn't be the man he is without you. That is the greatest reward.

You are spiraling at this moment, which is why you need to get outside and re-establish yourself on firm ground. Don't let emotions ruin anything for you - ANYTHING you do emotionally right now is going to be the wrong decision. You are doing AWESOME. AWESOME. Just slow it down for a minute, you have your internet friends here holding the net for you for a few moments. This feeling WILL pass, just give yourself a few moments.

Alright, it's lunch time. I'll log off and go walk at the local park. Center myself.

Pray.

Check in in a bit. And I know, I know. I'm not going to break NC or reach out to him right now.

Gotta wrestle control of the spiral.