SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A conflicted person doesn't "break" things off by heading over to his place for a two days fuckfest.

She wouldn't have fired up her son about him

“Words can be twisted into any shape. Promises can be made to lull the heart and seduce the soul. In the final analysis, words mean nothing. They are labels we give things in an effort to wrap our puny little brains around their underlying natures, when ninety-nine percent of the time the totality of the reality is an entirely different beast. The wisest man is the silent one. Examine his actions. Judge him by them.”

- Karen Marie Moning

Well, I've definitely got the depression spiral going on today.

Hopeless. It all feels hopeless, no matter how I look at anything.

I remember that feeling. See my username. It gets better, I promise.

I had an interesting conversation this afternoon with my WW, I dont know if it will help you at all UAB, but it, along with some reading I have been doing about the love languages, gave me deeper understanding of my wayward.

Firstly a bit of background info;

My WW's affair with OM3 was an exit affair,

She had organised accommodation for herself and was in the process of sorting finances, benefits etc,

She was preparing to leave two children, one of whom is autistic,

She was prepared to leave everything, except the clothes on her back, for the possibility of a future with a 3x divorced father of 5.....

One month BEFORE DDay (Nov 2013) she told me she was leaving, needed to find herself, marriage was over, not in love with me yada, yada, yada.

Tore me a new asshole by telling me how bad I was, destroyed me when she told me our daughter had said "Mum, You have to get out"

She was shocked at how devastated I was.

She left that morning, walked through town, called me 4 hours later asking to come home.

She did, I vowed to change and i did, became the husband she wanted, became the gentleman i always thought i was.

She kept in contact with OM3 for another 4 weeks, until 3 days AFTER DDay (Dec 2013).

Previously we have talked about that walk through town and i posed a hypothetical question:

Suppose while you were walking in town that day time stopped and a magical alien stepped in front of you and said "Whichever path you choose, it will turn out well; if you stay with AOE you will have a happy and fullfilled life, If you go to OM3 you will have a happy and fullfilled life. Your kids will be happy and love you."

What would WW have done?

She was honest and said she would probably have chanced it with OM3...........

So, this afternoon I asked her, If i had found out about OM3 before she told me she was leaving, would she have gone NC with OM3 by text or letter. She admitted that at the time she would have believed it the cowards way out, that she would have wanted to give him the decency of a face to face breakup, after all she would have wanted to thank him for being there for her, to show that she wasnt a horrible person.

She thanks the gods today that she never did that.

The fact is that even after I had spent a month fixing the "reasons" she had for having an affair, She STILL contacted OM3, on DDay, and two days later, to, as she admits now, "do the right thing and cover her ass".

I have come to understand that my WW, a fiercely loving mother, was prepared to leave her kids, to do some real stupid shit because of the euphoria and addictiveness of "New Love". What appears to us as cruel, stupid, vindictive and callous behaviour can often be seen as sensible, honest and fair behaviour to someone whos mind is fogged out and jacked up in the throes of a newfound "love". I've been there, In my late teens I had the potential to be, maybe not world class, but certainly a European class sprinter, or to play rugby for one of the top Welsh sides at the time..... I gave it all up for young love. Its not just teenagers who fuck up for love, adults do it all the time......

Just a note if anyone is thinking I'm all for R all the time;

This is my second M, My first ended in D. A decision I made as soon as I found out about XWW affair with her former fiance. Even though it has meant I havent seen my first son for 25, yup TWENTY FIVE, years, it was still the correct decision to make.

Whether D or R is possible for UAB or not is not for us to decide, but my advice is;

To continue NC/crickets/silence/shock and awe WILL result in D,

extending an olive branch, opening lines of communication at least keeps options open.

Sorry for the ramble, probably doesnt help!!

Best of Luck

Edited to add;

Yup it will feel hopeless, thats normal, it gets better, although i do have those feelings sometimes even now. You WILL be happy again, whether in D or R. Keep posting here, it doesnt matter if we all agree with each other or not, the one thing we have in common is that we all Do give a shit about you. Take care of yourself first and foremost.

[This message edited by AlwaysOnEdge at 5:10 PM, May 21st (Thursday)]

Your "rambling" actually does help.

I have much to think about.

The trouble is, I can't think.

WW reached out to me again today. Says she wants to talk... But I have to address all of her questions.

Frankly, She is not the one to call the shots right now. She is trying to get you to admit to any wrongdoing so she can make herself feel better for her crappy behavior.

Hang in there UAB. The rollercoaster ride can be brutal.

As for this:

Says she wants to talk... But I have to address all of her questions.

You don't have to address anything. She doesn't get to dictate anything to you anymore.

I know.

Doesn't make resisting the carrot any easier though. I'm not breaking NC.

She is putting conditions on a conversation?

That's your first sign that she is still looking for the upper hand.

Bullshit, by the way, a few pages back when someone asked about her inability to trust YOU. Waywards will come up with all sorts of blame shifting.

Never admit to even knowing about the VAR. But, even if it is linked to you: since you own that car, no one can prove what you intended to use it for.

Perhaps, you intended to record your own thoughts to yourself as u drive...

Sistermilkshake said:

Very few women would respect a man who would put up with that shit. Obviously, UAB's WW has no respect for UAB. She forced his hand. Until she comes to him crawling on her knees, snot nosed and humble, there isn't any hope for a successful reconciliation, in my opinion. In the meantime, crickets and the 180 will serve UAB the best.

You two can always start from scratch down the road.

Right now, you need to keep hold of your self respect. Do your best to keep things civil. Move forward with divorce. Let her discover herself wherever that takes her. It's not your responsibility to remain vulnerable to her in order for her to come crawling back. It would not be in your best interest to expose your jugular to your wife right now. You are not aware of what her motivations are, nor what the OM is filling her head with. No one is saying to allow things to get ugly...quite the opposite. I think that's what the crickets are about.

Protect yourself now so that you will be a whole person ready to give someone the gift of you. Maybe it would be her, but you'll never find out if you allow her and the OM to trash your life.

Did I just make any sense?

I know it is hard. You must resist. Until she is humble, on her knees (literally or not) begging for forgiveness, willing to do "whatever it takes" can you even consider reconciliation. Any other way, you are opening up yourself for even more hurt, agony and pain than you are already in. Strength, UAB, strength. You can do this.

I am sorry, but fuck the olive branch, AlwaysOnEdge. UAB doesn't need to extend anything. I don't feel his NC and crickets guarantees divorce, but it guarantees that UAB ain't gonna be played and manipulated by an unremorseful WW. I am not saying she can't become remorseful but she isn't there...yet! And extending an olive branch isn't the way to get a WS to feel remorse.

dude, think with the mind. Not the heart

Just never mention the VAR again. You used the car that morning. You can't remember if you locked the doors or not. You'll never have to testify this. It won't get that far.

Your lawyer will destroy that line of question. Yiu can probably also dig up proof that she bought a camera. Doesn't it make sense that her actions are more consistent with being the one to put it there?

If you even hint you did it then it's all over. She has the upper hand.

Go read Chump Lady for a bit. It's a very wise blog. You'll see she's exhibiting literally zero of the signs you'd look for. She needs to understand consequences and getting served divorce papers is that. It doesn't mean ANYTHING other than a consequence at this point. If the Reconciliation Fairy came down and blessed her at that point you don't need to proceed with divorce. The odds are stacked against that of course, but you know that already.

I know. I need to pull the trigger on filing.

And I need to figure out how to quiet the part of my mind stupid enough to think I sold take the bait from her.

[This message edited by UnlovedAndBroked at 6:39 PM, May 21st (Thursday)]

WW reached out to me again today. Says she wants to talk... But I have to address all of her questions.

I think she is scrambling... She has lost control of YOU - but if you do decided to have this conversation - the first questions is YOURS to ask:

Are you NC with OM?

Her answer dictates whether to talk or walk away.

What Lucky said. This is about control and power. She is used to having it. She thinks the VAR is the way to get it back.

Don't let her change the subject. There is a thread you might find interesting: google IUHoosier.

Here is the right thread:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/archives.asp?tid=530976

Essentially he caught his wife cheating. He did the 180, and pulled her out of the fog. He went so far as to put the house on the market.

www.survivinginfidelity.com/archives.asp?tid=524723

[This message edited by redsox13 at 7:29 PM, May 21st (Thursday)]

Good post by AlwaysOnEdge to give the path to R some consideration.

It is possible that your WW wants to save your marriage and drop OM. But you have gotten to this point because you have stopped baking the cake.

1) Does she want you back because divorce presents to much scandal, trouble and hardship?

2) You can only R if you are no longer a doormat. You must respect yourself. That is the only way that she will respect you.

Hence, the truism, your marriage dead. If you reconcile, your marriage will be a new one (or maybe a broken version of the old one).

Can or should you meet your WW at this point? The answer depends partly on how strong you feel. If you are able to look her in the eye and stand your ground, you can talk with her.

If you can sit calmly and listen to her, let her talk, formulate your questions and pose them without anger, then you can gain closure or figure out if things have changed.

Is she worried about money? Her son's opinion?

There are BS like SpaceGhost who will not stay married to a cheater, even when they beg and plead for a second chance.

Many new things may come your way. Maybe you will have biological children of your own with a new partner.

And just now, she sends me this email:

Just a question, well a couple really...

Why did you take both the roku and the Amazon fire?

What have you been saying on Facebook about me?

Why have you been blasting me on Facebook?

What was your plan with the recorder in the back seat?

Did you think I wouldn't find it and are you curious where it is currently?

I have not been on the site for a while but came back I am about to give an update in a day or two but I wanted to post to you before you make an error.

Do not admit anything to your wife. Do what I did and turn it back on her. First of all the VAR was on you to protect you.

You had a lying wife who was sleeping with another dude. To protect yourself you were carrying the VAR so you were not arrested for domestic assault. These things happen when women start banging other men. It happened to someone I know and the VAR saved them.

Also you do not play defense you play offense. If you wife writes you or text you just do what I did. My only response for a while was you had another Penis in your mouth. You also had a Penis in your Vagina. I do not believe any words that come out of your mouth. That mouth that had another mans Penis in it has had nothing but that and lies come out of it.

Don't address the VAR at all in any way. You had it for protection and it fell out of your pocket and you did not know where it went anyway.

Keep the upper hand. I would just file and have her served. Don't forget she is blaming you for her banging another guy. You know how sick that is.

It is the equivalent of a Man beating his wife. He says it is not his fault it is her fault. If she would not make him mad he would not have to beat her. Your wife is doing the same to you. She is screwing another man and saying it is your fault. Don't fall for that crap.

Have her served and do not cave. If you want to respond talk about the OM penis inside her body. There is no excuse for doing that to you. Stay strong.

I would email her back the conditions under which YOU would be willing to talk, and nothing more. Do not express any feelings, or show your hand in any way. Just a clear, concise, professional, cold email.

Its NOT an olive branch, it's not giving in, it's merely stating the conditions under which YOU would be willing to meet. Nothing more, nothing less.

Then, if divorce does happen she cannot claim that you did not give her a chance to meet with you fix this.

Also, if divorce does happen you can let your son know that you were willing to meet with her, and that SHE chose not to. She can also not claim to your son that you were not willing to meet. It puts you in a position of strength whilst maintaining integrity with your son.

[This message edited by Lostly at 7:38 PM, May 21st (Thursday)]

This woman is trying to set you up to take the fall on legal charges. Do not "extend an olive branch". Do not communicate with her unless it is a short, strictly business response about finances. Do not meet with her under any circumstances. Agreeing to do so, under any conditions, is spectacularly bad advice. You're risking a false domestic violence charge. Do not try to appear to be the good guy by trying (or pretending to try) to save a marriage that needs to be buried as deep as you can dig.

I'm sorry, but any advice that leads you in the direction of false reconciliation is spectacularly bad. It is natural for you to want that on some level. That will not go away until you've had sufficient time and space to detach and really deconstruct what happened in your marriage and who your wife really is. Please keep thinking with your head. You need to protect yourself from this woman.

Do not email her back. Do not meet with her under any circumstances. You think planting that VAR was a mistake? It was nothing compared to opening that door even a crack.

[This message edited by h0peless at 7:35 PM, May 21st (Thursday)]

What SpaceGhost said.