SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Coming out of lurking just to say WOW! Unloved, you have done so much in the 10(ish) days since you have started posting. I wish I had as much clarity as you do when I was 10 days out! The 180 is for you, you are going to be all over the place with your feelings for a long time. Heck, I cried a few days ago because I was sad for my kids and their situation and I am 6 1/2 years out. (But only 2 1/2 divorced - be wary of the NPD when divorcing!)

Be gentle on yourself. Have a good cry, kicking, screaming, punching pillows session.

Just keep up the 180!!!

UAB a, I want to give you an observation in the hope that it helps. Your last few posts have been all over the place demonstrating that you are on the roller coaster and it is at full speed. Your agony and confusion and torment are very

clear.

So here is the observation. You are expecting way too much of yourself. You are trying to go thru the shocked and numb; depressed; rage and anger; confused; plain of lethal flatness; reluctant acceptance; return to (somewhat) normal life; stages in about 2 or 3 days each. You clearly are a very strong and very smart guy, but NO ONE is strong enough and smart enough to get thru all of this in a few short weeks. For most people it will take at least a year and more likely 2 years or more before they can begin to feel that life is back to somewhat normal.

What you are experiencing is a life changing trauma. Don't expect yourself to be able to work thru it all and get it all squared up and sorted out yet or even in the foreseeable future. Be patient with yourself. Understand that it is normal, and ok, to have conflicting emotions every other hour: I want to D that bitch -- I love that Woman and want to R -- no, never, I'm done -- how can I go on without her. That IS the roller coaster. Don't let it make you feel you are weak or indecisive or insane. We have all been there, done that. You just need to give it time. Let the emotions ebb and flow. Talk it thru with your counselor and the people on SI. Eventually you will start to even out. You will then begin to see the good; the joy that is waiting for you. But it takes a lot of time. So just don't get down on yourself that you just can't snap out of it. No one can do that.

UAB

You are not unloved nor are you broken.

The key is not letting her break you.

You are tougher than that.

Stay dark. Let her get crazy.

And calm your emotions. Time is on your side.

HM

Crickets and the 180 are NOT necessarily the same thing.

If reconciliation is something you would like, then crickets isn't going to get you there. It will get you divorced quickly and with the least amount of pain that is possible in a situation like this.

If she doesn't know you are open to R then she cannot be open to it. If you don't communicate what you need to R, how can she give it to you? From everything I've read it seems she was open to R. She's attempting to communicate with you. You can communicate back using the 180. You can let her know you are open to R.

I don't think she was using you to raise her son, nor do I think she has fallen out of love with you. Having a child grow up and leave is a difficult time. She was probably going through an early mid-life crisis that she handled very, very, poorly. Attention from an older man is obviously going to make her feel young again in a way you couldn't. I am in NO WAY excusing her actions, but just trying to suggest other issues that may be occurring. Motive is something that BS's seek to understand, and can make a difference in R. I don't think she was using you for the last 11 years, I just don't. I think she loved you and still does.

What do you need from her for you to comfortably R? I think you have done a fantastic job of listening to everyone's advice, but somehow you have been lost in the process. Only you can know what you can and cannot live with. If you follow everything we say your going to end up in a big fat mess, because we can only give advice based on our experiences applied to your situation. You need to take the parts that work best and leave the rest.

Take some time and think about what you really want, then post it here. Then the collective group can figure out the best way for you to get it. I think that perhaps the opposite has occurred, meaning that the group has decided what's best for you and is guiding you there. If that's what you truly want, then that's fantastic. You will get there fast, and with minimal interaction.

However, if its not what you really want, it's time to get off that train, because the train your on is traveling at warp speed.

AlwaysOnEdge,

I took the same route as you - I believe in second chances. Being a very compassionate person, I always put my money on the underdog. My wife was not mentally there, and is still not all there, but throwing her out, as I was advised by family and friends, when you know deep down, that it is not her fault, but the fault of her illness, also goes beyond my nature - I see a lot of good and crying for help under her darkness. As you say, each case is different, and no one is around to see what is really going on, they can only surmise. I am eight months from D-Day, and we have a lot of down and stressful days, but I do see a small light at the end of the tunnel... In my case, I have two kids, and I am middle aged, so it was worth taking a risk - I hope it works out, but if you are as young as U&B, no paternal kids of his own, it is his decision, as to whether he wants to deal with the stress and heartache that has been created, and could be there for a long time, if not forever... tough sh1t we all have to deal with - very sad.

From everything I've read it seems she was open to R.

What kind of reconciliation are you talking about Lostly? She may have been open to UAB reconciling to the fact that she was going to have her cake and eat it, too, but that is all I read about. UAB told her what to expect if she went to the POSOM. That isn't someone open to reconciliation but openly being defiant, disrespectful, hurtful and selfish.

There are people here who beat the reconciliation drum regardless of the circumstances. Please, please, please don't listen to those people. You do not owe your wife a damn thing. You owe yourself the peace that comes with getting such a toxic person out of your life. Please don't even consider reconciliation at this point. It is a terrible idea. She will continue to hurt you for years if you do.

You are on the emotional roller coaster right now, and no matter how hard you try, you won't be getting off any time soon. What you're going through is life changing. Even if your wife were to somehow miraculously pull her head out of her ass (and don't be fooled, right now she's staring at the back of her own teeth), things would never be the same. Your life would never be the same. You would never be the same. You can't get back what you thought you had with her.

She is completely, 100% unremorseful. You can try to reconcile with her (this site is full of stories where the BS tried to reconcile with an unremorseful cheater and subjected themselves to YEARS of this torture, years of lies and continuous hurt) who considered themselves reconciling while their lovely cheaters were still out doing whatever they wanted. Please don't be one of those people. You are not going to successfully reconcilem with your wife, even if you still have feelings of love for her. For your own sake, please continue to detach. Please continue to learn how to live your life without her. It will save you mountains of pain at her hand in the future.

You are on the right path. It's a difficult and painful one, but it is taking you to the right place.

[This message edited by h0peless at 12:27 PM, May 21st (Thursday)]

Sistermilkshake, I do agree with you that she has certainly gone about it poorly, and that going down to breakup with OM was in very poor form. I agree with the decisions to distance and consequences for that. I'm not sure moving out and crickets is the best move if he wants R. If he was still living at home I think crickets would be very effective. At this point of he does want R, I think the 180 using limited communication is the best option. I am usually strongly pro D, but for some reason I think this may be salvageable? What do you think? I agree that she most certainly is cake eating, but she seems to be conflicted?

If I was UAB, I would be curious to if she broke up with the OM, or what occurred. I came to the conclusion that she was open to reconciliation because she was going down there to break up with him. Yes, there were better ways, I am absolutely NOT disagreeing with that.

It was unfortunate she found the VAR.

after her antics, reconciliation should be the farthest thing from his mind at this point.

He's 32. Time to find something better IMO

It doesn't take a whole weekend to break up. Shenanigans! Oh, just one last fuck, just one last BJ, just one last... whatever. Fuck that shit.

Very few women would respect a man who would put up with that shit. Obviously, UAB's WW has no respect for UAB. She forced his hand. Until she comes to him crawling on her knees, snot nosed and humble, there isn't any hope for a successful reconciliation, in my opinion. In the meantime, crickets and the 180 will serve UAB the best, I believe.

I wouldn't attempt to reconcile with someone who is conflicted. You are either all in to reconciliation as a WS, or get the fuck out. That is all I would accept. I know others have tried to go through the "fog" or a WS's "conflicted" feelings, waiting for the WS to clear it out, but it is soul crushing to the BS. I would never settle for being second best or back up plan. You either want me or not, you either love me or not. I will not beg, I will not wait, I have some pride. I repeat, fuck that shit!

I just want you to know the only right way to proceed is by doing what's right for YOU. And at the moment, giving yourself time to absorb everything, and let the emotions settle slightly (if that's possible). Everyone here means well. And many of us give advice based off how we wished we had handled things in our own situation.

The truth is...I find peace in knowing I'm directing my path in all this shit. While I know many people have told me I should leave the jerk I'm with, I love that damn ass jerk. Sooooo I have no regrets for giving him a chance to prove himself. But as others here have said, they need to show serious remorse and empathy first, and meet a whole lot of other requirements. And most of our waywards...they didn't just wake up one morning, stretch, and say "wow, I'm completely wrong, and I can see the light now". It's a process. Sometimes a long and hurtful process.

I don't like to say I'm pro R, or pro D. I like to say I'm pro ME. Please just allow yourself permission to do what's right for you. And I will say it again, only you know, or will know, what that right is. It takes time.

Also, I don't consider myself weak for allowing my WBF back into my life. It takes great strength to get through infidelity...whether we R or D. Just getting through things with the clarity you've managed to have...AMAZING and bravo to you for staying strong and insisting on nothing but respect for you.

Hang in there, and you have my support, whatever direction you take. And at the same time, thousands of people here to pick you up when you need it!

Forget this last weekend going to see OM.

She's been OPENLY going for weeks to see this guy. And telling OP she was doing it and wasn't going to stop. After OP got the AP fired and WW's job offer recinded.

She knew he knew and she threw it right back in his face with a giant FUCK YOU. She didn't even try to hide it.

Who in their right mind would want to be married to a person who does that? Forget the fog bullshit - she knew exactly what she was doing and didn't care a wit for OP's or her son's feelings/situation.

She needs to go.

Just in case y'all forgot:

A lot has gone on in the weeks since [D-day, sic]. My story is long enough as it is. I'll just give you the major highlights...

She's still going down there. Even though I called the business partner, told him what's goin on in his office and got the OM fired (and her job offer recinded.) And yes, you read that right. The OM misrepresented himself to her - he's not a partner, he just worked there. So, because of all this and the misrepresentation, he was fired. It doesn't bother him, he's retired military with a good pension. She's openly sleeping in his home when she's there.

Furthermore, she's told me she doesn't love me. That she hasn't for a long time. But she gushed to me about how she loves the OM. Deeply. It's a love like she's never known. They're so connected. He's her companion. And he loves her. And he's the kindest, most supportive man. Just the best. She actually compared him to MOTHER TERESA!!

She finally admitted that they've been having sex. A LOT of sex. I asked if they are at least using protection. She said, "we're being careful." That sounds like a no to me...

[This message edited by WornDown at 1:11 PM, May 21st (Thursday)]

most of our waywards...they didn't just wake up one morning, stretch, and say "wow, I'm completely wrong, and I can see the light now". It's a process. Sometimes a long and hurtful process.

I don't have the stats on this so I don't know if this means a successful reconciliation or not.

What I will say is that the most successful reconciliations I see here are the ones where the WS's throw the AP under the bus on d-day and implement NC immediately. Who are completely remorseful on d-day and are determined to heal the marriage. Doesn't mean they know how to do that, or that they aren't going to misstep, but if they remorseful from the get go, I do believe there is more potential for a successful reconciliation. If you have to wait for remorse or pull the remorse out of them, yeah, not so much as they continue to damage and wound the BS.

What I will say is that the most successful reconciliations I see here are the ones where the WS's throw the AP under the bus on d-day and implement NC immediately. Who are completely remorseful on d-day and are determined to heal the marriage. Doesn't mean they know how to do that, or that they aren't going to misstep, but if they remorseful from the get go, I do believe there is more potential for a successful reconciliation. If you have to wait for remorse or pull the remorse out of them, yeah, not so much as they continue to damage and wound the BS.

I've got to agree with this.

The probablity of reconciliation/remorse goes down exponentially (really fast) with time.

I'd say if they aren't really showing remorse in the first week or two, forget it. File for D. They've checked out.

You have been quiet today, UAB, hope you are doing ok.

UAB, her texts are trying to make you the bad guy. I'm guessing that you have a hard time being seen as a bad guy, and that is why she is using this tactic. She wants a response, so she is going for your vulnerable spot: "You aren't a good dad. You aren't a good guy."

You can't win that game, so don't play it. If she is delusional enough to believe that she is the victim and you are the villian, there is nothing you can do or say that will change her mind. So don't try. You see another text. You nod. Agree. Say out loud, "Yep, thats me, I'm an asshole." And the spell is broken.

You have been quiet today, UAB, hope you are doing ok.

Maybe he's cheating on us?! Quick! To TalkAboutMarriage!

I agree that she most certainly is cake eating, but she seems to be conflicted?

That's how she is being manipulating, by pretending to be "conflicted" in words. Yet, her actions have been in direct contradiction of any intent to R. They certainly do not speak of any emphathy towards UAB. Her actions are cruel.

If anything he is required to wait it out 60 days before D is final per state law. Let's see what she does after she's served.

She isn't conflicted, she's feigning being conflicted hoping to keep UAB on the hook as Plan B in case things don't work out with Grandpa. My ex tried to run that play on me too. She isn't conflicted, she's manipulative and full of shit. UAB may have some hope in his heart for reconciliation, but I don't think there's anything more dangerous in the aftermath of infidelity than hanging on to false hope.

It's been a busy day at work.

I've just been thinking.

Still reading the comments. Keep em coming.