SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Oh, by "give her hell" I meant time to face the consequence - divorce, me riding off into the sunset and finding someone else.

I'm going no-fault and skipping the fuck away.

"Did you tell your therapist about your part in my affair?"

So, let me get this straight. She feels humiliated by that fact that you have told other people that she is currently weekending with another man, feels no remorse about it, and as a consequence has smashed your marriage beyond repair. Other people, strangely enough, think that what she is doing is horrible. It pisses her off that you told other people this, including your therapist, without explaining that she only did that because you are such a rotten person. You haven't explained to other people that she had absolutely no other choice than to have an affair with this worthless POSOM, and to rub your face in it while she did it. That upsets her. Her reputation is damaged, and that is your fault. YOU made her look bad because you wouldn't sit there and quietly take her abuse. Oh, and you don't care about how bad this makes her feel.

Classic abuser logic: "How dare you tell people I punched you and broke your ribs? They are going to think I'm not a nice guy!"

I am floored by this.

You know, really... Her hitting me has never been okay. I always took the blame for it, "Well, I DID push her buttons..." But I mean, now that I'm removed from the situation... it's really fucked up. She left bruises multiple times.

(Just when y'all thought she couldn't get any worse, right?)

In fact, last time she beat the crap outta me was on my birthday last year. She never even apologized.

Why did I want to salvage this shit again?

Wow! All that AND physically abusive? What a prize she is... The more we hear about her, the happier I am for you for getting away from her.

It's good that you're going no-fault. The sooner you're free of that toxic vampire, the better off you are!

Wow! All that AND physically abusive? What a prize she is... The more we hear about her, the happier I am for you for getting away from her.

It's good that you're going no-fault. The sooner you're free of that toxic vampire, the better off you are!

UAB,

It's interesting that as soon as we're a bit removed from our waywards, we can easily see how fucked up so much stuff was.

We get used to it over time, so fucked up becomes normal. I look back on things from my first marriage and my current one (read my profile, lol) and think I'm an absolute idiot for putting up with it ONCE let alone repeatedly.

But at the time, it wasn't "as bad as" <insert offense here>, so you don't question it for long or you just let it go so you don't rock the boat.

Trust me...we get it.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 12:10 PM, May 22nd (Friday)]

DUDE! RUN, NOT WALK TO THE NEAREST EXIT!

Actually, it clears up a lot of your story. Does your therapist know about the abuse? No competent therapist would advise staying with your psycho bitch.

NEVER be anywhere alone with her again. NC in everything except for the divorce. Your stepson is old enough that you can communicate with him directly. You don't need to know anything from her.

brother, you are an abuse victim by every conceivable definition . please please get some help.

sending strength

[This message edited by 5454real at 12:20 PM, May 22nd (Friday)]

Did your son witness or know of any of her physical abuse on you?

I wonder if he has received such abuse from her.

You are starting to see the forest from the trees now. It becomes more empowering from this point onward. This is the true reward of detaching. It becomes easier to handle what you begin to identify.

I think no-fault is wise. You are right, get out of this M quick.

Why did I want to salvage this shit again?

YESSSSS! Once I started asking this question, my mind began to ease considerably. I hope yours does too. You are on the right track and you know it.

My first pint this afternoon will be hoisted to you U&B!

unloved, boy would i like to share a beer with you.

Yes you messed up, but it's not the fact that you replied, it's the point that you yielded a bit, but you already know that now.

However, what i think is not getting through and base this on your post that outlines part of your life... NO, STOP!

What you have done or how you are HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH INFIDELITY.

Don't look at as, "well i am not perfect but i did not deserve this." HUH???

You could be perfect and she still cheats.

Cheating is not about marriage problems or spousal problems, it is about problems from within the cheater. Anything she gets from you that ignores this fact only strengthens her resolve that her cheating has some justification and she will never fix the real cause of the problem which is not the 10 - 11 years but that she allowed herself through her own choice to betray you and family because she is broken!!! She must fix herself before anything else. You are not the one broken, she is.

She will use whatever it takes to get you to have some complicity in her infidelity, from her perspective. If there is ever another break in a moment of weakness, let her message be what i wrote above.

[This message edited by atreides at 12:25 PM, May 22nd (Friday)]

You know, really... Her hitting me has never been okay. I always took the blame for it, "

unloved, i missed this... wow

As you said above, you need to run from her and skip the F away as you put it.

5454Real asked, Does your therapist know about the abuse? I'm going with "no" because I agree that no counselor would have you going back to that. In fact, they might intervene in other ways. Please tell your IC about this. Maybe even call them now and tell them, "There's something I've not told you about and friends told me I need to tell you: My wife has beaten me and bruised me several times."

So she has beaten the crap out of you. You need to tell your therapist about these incidents.

I can almost see it happening once and by once she hit you 1 time, after that I afraid I would have slapped her into next week. It is not ok to hit anyone but if it happens more than 1 time there is a problem. If she is being served you don't have to put up with it from her anymore. But you need to work with your therapist about your doormat issues. If you do not stand up for yourself you will get run over time and time again. Break that cycle. Please google no mr nice guy PDF and read it.

You are doing pretty good do not break NC again she can speak to your lawyer.

UAB, women are guilty of DV just as men are. I am sorry you experienced this.

You clearly deserve better.

Stop playing her games. What did your attorney say when you called him today ?

BTW, you mentioned your friends XWW. Did they divorce ?

Does your therapist know about this?

He will the next time I see him - which is next week on Wednesday.

UAB, women are guilty of DV just as men are. I am sorry you experienced this.

For sure. And yeah, me too. Can't believe I put up with it. But, when I think about it, it makes sense that I would. I grew up under my mother's abuse... I was bullied in school and just took it... I married an abusive woman... of course I'd take it. It's all I've known. Duh. SMH. My therapist and I have a LOT of work to do.

You clearly deserve better.

I'm just starting to believe that myself. I think I might just like who I am after all this settles. I'd like to like myself for a change.

Stop playing her games. What did your attorney say when you called him today ?

He said "About damned time, son."

I dropped by his office. Little while later, he confirmed.

He also smiled the biggest grin when I told him about the DV at her hands. Said he'd remember that if she pushes the recorder. Not sure what the plan is, but that sounds good. LOL

BTW, yes, my son has seen almost every incident of her hitting me. No, she's never done it to him. She HAS yelled at him over the years. But, really, she was never like she was with me when she gets mad.

BTW, you mentioned your friends XWW. Did they divorce ?

Yup. She cheated on him. She was physically abusive when she was mad. She also had daddy issues, by the way. Her dad died when she was 14. Again, always defined by the men in her life. Anyway, she cheated. He kicked her out. Then they moved back in and did MC for a while. Then she stopped going. It eventually devolved into him kicking her out again and telling her if they are going to divorce because she doesn't want to do her part, she has to file. He waited 6 months... she still wouldn't do it. So he finally did and walked away.

They came out of it friends. It's been 5 years since their divorce and they catch up every now and then. But, she eventually owned up to her shit and gave him a real apology. I don't think I'm ever going to get one. And, to be completely honest, the idea of being friends with her after her abuse and betrayal makes me sick.

I got the same letter after a timid broken NC. The rage was astounding. It's all part of the recovery of her image - rewrite the marriage, play the victim, make you out to be the bad guy and pushed her into the arms of her grandpa. It's bullshit, text book and to be completely ignored. You're doing well, taking the right steps and honestly I swear to god to will look back and laugh at some point. Bitch be gone.

[This message edited by Markone at 5:14 PM, May 22nd (Friday)]

Oh it will escalate. After crickets, you'll get the " and you don't even care about us enough to respond to my heartfelt letter" curse curse sob sob. Imagine yourself on the banks of a river, beautiful day, sun in your face, watching her drift downstream on a lily pad her voice getting squeekier and squeekier until all you can hear is the sound of birds. Peace at last.

She never offered any explanation as to why she had the right to strike you in anger?

Doubtless she harbored resentment towards you and others, you became the scape goat. Also, it is clear that a person who strikes and curses another (two forms of abuse) need not feel so back about flaunting extramarital sex acts in their partner's face. After all, the record of abuse is already established.

I hope that you will consider not paying for your son's college education. You have given him a great deal: values, ethics, etc. You should not be a doormat.

If his mother begs forgiveness, expressing genuine remorse, you may resume being his father financially. Otherwise, you will just be a victim of her emotional abuse. Is your son, a separate person with who you have a relationship?

Yes, of course. If you want to keep it, I would wait until after his first year of college. You might set aside some money for him. But his mother as conduit must be excised like cancer.

I hope that you will consider not paying for your son's college education. You have given him a great deal: values, ethics, etc. You should not be a doormat.

I generally don't jump into miles long threads but I completely disagree. If supporting yourself is all you can do, that's one thing. It's possible to borrow for college and survive.

But paying for the college education of a son you love, whom YOU raised, who is innocent of all this shit, and also a victim of this woman, does NOT make you a doormat. I assume finances will be revealed in the divorce. Make your determination then...based on fairness and finances, not her behavior. To do so just reinforces the shit he already seems to be hearing from her.