SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

TDT, this is some fucked up shit right here. If you truly believe this, I feel you need some help. If the tables were turned, would it be okay if a husband did this to his wife? Are not men prideful, too? I mean, the line between love and hate is very thin and it happens in an instant, so understandable if the husband clocks his wife, right?

IMO, it is NOT the same. If the tables were turned it would be an abuse of power over a physically weaker person. That would make you a bully if you were a man and clocked your wife into submission.

And I am not saying it is OK that his wife has hit him. It is NOT. And I think it takes strength to not fight back as a man and pummel your wife if she puts a bruise on you. UAB could have done that, but he chose to take the high road. NOW THAT IS PRIDEFUL for a man because he chose not to abuse his wife in an unfair way.

But if this is actual abuse, where the wife comes home from a bad day and starts kicking the dogs and smacking the husband around, then that is a different thing.

And my wife has hit me a few times in the heat of an arguement and I dont consider it abusive because she hits, well, like a girl. She just wanted me to know that she did not approve of my message.

UAB, I am sorry for the pain you are going through. I understand it first hand. You HAVE been abused by your wife. In the worst possible way. You are going through a very TRAUMATIC experience, so if I came across as not having empathy for you I am sorry.

But if you hit him in a momment of rage after he was being hateful towards you, calling you names, cheating on you, then if you hit him it would be understandable because you are a prideful woman. And you did this out of love.

TDT...after reading your response to me...I would say that I am a prideful woman. I take pride in the fact that I love and respected my WH even in spite of the horrific things that he did to me, NOT to hit him. I do not hit, out of love for him...but also love for myself!

Briarrose33,

Well said and well done. You walked through fire and kept your dignity.

It is incredibly painful and brave for a person to admit they have been physically abused. It is surely, as UAB has stated, a topic he will discuss in therapy.

We seemed to have gotten off on an uncomfortable tangent. Perhaps a topic for a new thread?

But, we need to get back to the original purpose: support this young man thru the pain of betrayal.

Keep posting UAB. You are doing so great.

I agree, Valentinesucks, I think we're doing U&B a big disservice by debating men v. women domestic violence on his thread. He made a big and brave step in saying out loud that he's a victim of physical abuse, and we should focus on supporting him.

Best wishes, U&B!

TheDarkestTime

You posted the most poisonous advice you ever could.. Seriously ? It is time for him to cowboy up ?

And you wear your domestic abuse as a badge of honor ? You have serious issues with your line of thinking and if it really what you think , I would suggest that you are in no way eligible to give any advice to anyone...

Your posts are dangerous to any DV victim that reads them..

I would even request the Mods to remove his posts regarding this

Getting back to UAB...

Given she is not too stable, I would give her a heads up that you filed. It is the right and smart thing to do.

You need to have as few problems as possible to keep the legal bills down.

My wife hits me like that and I will slap back. I will not tolerate abuse and disrespect like that.

My momma raised me that you do not hit a woman....UNLESS SHE PUTS HERSELF IN A MANS SHOES! If she wants to act like a man...she needs to be treated like a man.

UAB

Im not getting involved in the "hitting" debate. Stay focused on priority #1, and that is getting rid of this crazy, deceitful cheater. She needs to be out of your life.

And everytime you weaken or start to, just think about her sitting there casually painting her toenails to look good before she drove down there to fuck him.

Get the attorney moving.

UAB,

its been a day and three quarters and you haven't posted.

I am hoping this is a sign of recovery.

How are you doing ?

Hey there. Thanks for the concern, Western. I'm good, actually. I've been working on recovery, strengthening as a person and spending time with my family and friends.

I spent a few hours with a friend yesterday. It was quite eye opening. He asked me if I think my STBXWW is a clinical narcissist. Having this time to detach and really think, I think she is.

She's very prideful. She did a lot of the classic things an NPD person does. She isolated me from family and friends. Made me feel bad for spending time or attention on others. She never says she's sorry. Everything is always about her, as you have seen in the fallout from the A.

She always tightly controlled finances. She was allowed to buy new clothes and all kinds of crap all the time, but when I dared to ask for a $10 weekly budget to buy comic books, she made me feel bad for even thinking about it. Any time I asked to buy anything, the answer was no.

My favorite restaurants and places didn't matter. We always went where she wanted. Always did what she wanted. Holidays were with her family, never with mine.

I spent years accepting it. I gave her everything she wanted. It was 11 years of "Yes, dear." "Okay, dear." "Whatever makes you happy, dear."

Not that I don't think that people shouldn't always get what they want. But that's the thing, what I want or need has NEVER been considered by her. Ever.

The only exception is sex. Not to get too personal but, sex was frequent, passionate, and very, very good. But, I've also read that narcissists often exhibit hypersexuality. So, that makes sense.

And sex with her was always about pleasing her. I always focused on her, became very in tune with her needs in that way. I'm the other oriented type of person. Pleasing others, in every way, makes me feel fulfilled.

Anyway, I've been reading about NPD and doing some hard thinking. I think that's what I've been living under. And I think the A pushed her over the line from vanilla NPD to sociopathic NPD.

I had a moment with my 8 year old nephew last night. He's just gotten in town (he's from my brother's first marriage. Lives with his mom in Nebraska.)

He's excited I'm staying there for a few weeks. He gave me the biggest hug. And as I received it, I reflected upon how much of his life I've missed. And I wasn't angry or sad. I felt so happy knowing that I wouldn't miss any more of it.

I agree, Valentinesucks, I think we're doing U&B a big disservice by debating men v. women domestic violence on his thread.

Really? Lets just rugsweep the problem of DV against men. Yeah, UAB was just told my a member to basically "sack up" when they are assaulted by a woman. There are many men here that are victims of DV at the hand of their spouse. Rather vile advice to any DV victim. I suppose women should just "labia up"? I feel it would be more of a disservice to UAB if we agreed with the minimizing of his abuse with our silence.

There is no double standard. I am a gray thinker, but this is plain black and white. No physical abuse by any gender is justifiable or acceptable. Not for UAB, not on anyone, and it shouldn't be rugswept and minimized.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 9:35 PM, May 24th (Sunday)]

Okay. TDT, I get ya. And believe me, I'm never letting that happen to me again.

Thank you for your apology.

Alright everyone, consider the DV topic dead. Don't bring it up again, please. I'll focus on out with my therapist. Focusing on healing here. Thanks to everyone for the support!

What I'd really like to talk about is the NPD issue. Thoughts? Experience?

[This message edited by UnlovedAndBroked at 9:35 PM, May 24th (Sunday)]

I agree that your WW does sound NPD. But it is easy to armchair diagnose. Only a trained therapist can truly diagnose.

ETA: I am sorry, but the DV thing hits close to home for me. Our son was physically abused by his XGF but of course had a restraining order issued against him. He weighed about 140, she easily outwieghed him by 60#'s and was strong as a bull. He had no choice but to defend himself as she had him on the ground and was punching his face repeatedly. He only did what he had to to get away. Yes, he had the bruises to prove it. She even loosened a tooth.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 10:05 PM, May 24th (Sunday)]

Oh, agreed. I'll likely never know for sure. But, personally, I think it fits.

And that makes it soooooo much easier to - everyone say it with me - skip the fuck away.

If she is NPD, then her infidelity is a gift and I owe the POSOM a beer.

Sounds like it fits to me. Especially from her replies. Never once does she mention what she has done or how she has failed the marriage. It is all about you and what you did wrong and why she was entitled to have an affair and that she is dumping you. She still needs to contact you to have the last word. Must have been killing her up inside that you went NC. At that point you had the upper hand. You left. You stopped replying and she didn't have the last word. She was probably going nuts to prove she was right and you were wrong and cry her way to get what she wanted.

If you break NC again, please do not mention any of your faults. Do not mention how you failed the M or what the IC told you. If anything go ahead and tell her what she did and her faults and how you gave her everything. How her having an A failed the M more than anything you COULD have ever done. That you are happy YOU left her. Narcissist always have to be right and have the upper hand. If there is anything that would piss her off the most it would be pointing out that YOU MOVED OUT and left her. She must be the center of attention and will love drama. She will continue to bait you in order to get attention. Hopefully, there will be no more contact broken.

If she is NPD, then her infidelity is a gift and I owe the POSOM a beer.

Unfortunately not that simple. If she has NPD, or a similar PD like BPD, first and foremost you have a stepson who can't get out and has been brainwashed/programmed to serve his mother's will.

Hi. Betrayed child of an NPD mother here. It took me until the age of 40 to liberate myself and emotionally divorce my NPD mother. You can read my profile if you want to see the destruction an NPD can cause to a person and a family unit. Don't feel you have to though as it's very long and I have some very personally embarrassing things in there. But it is about me and how SI helped educate me, helped me figure out want she is, and how to emotionally divorce her.

Your stepson has a childhood and future of pain to look forward to. It's not so easy to get out and some children resort to suicide as my brother did. NPD is a very serious disorder but can very greatly between individuals as its a spectrum disorder.

As far as you, you get to look forward to a lifetime of your stbx trying to get back at you any way she can. Especially through stepson. She will use him as that is what he is there for. To be used. You left her and she will never ever forget that. She will play the victim card to the hilt and try to make you look as bad as she can every chance she can for life. It's not rational as its NPD.

It's fucking hell and it's not so easy as getting out. Yes, you get away from the daily bullshit, but never truly get away if you care about stepson because he doesn't get to get out that easy.

yop

I am glad you had a good weekend and you are probably right about the NPD issue.

You can learn from this, both in what happened and how not to go down that path again.

When do you plan on dropping the papers on her ?

Narcissism.

That is a real thing. And some experts link it to cheating. People with this condition pursue other's to feed their ego. And on top of that, the nacissist feels no empathy towards their partner that they are cheating on. They are simply UNABLE to see the emotions of others.

Its all about supply to their ego. If you dont supply a healthy dose of admiration, the narcissist has 0 need for you. And in thier eyes you are worthless.

Statistics say 50% of dv is initiated by women. Reading that its OK is shocking. Beating on a man, woman, or child is always wrong. Doesn't matter whos doing the beating.

Just like no one deserves infidelity, no deserves physical abuse. Its wrong. Its not an exclamaion point in an argument. Its abuse. Its illegal, immoral, and its never OK.to read people excusing it is sick. Its partly stockholm syndrome and partly masochist. No one deserves abuse.