SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

listen to Longwalka nd thanks for answering my questions.

Remember, NC and rely on your attorney and file. You are only 32. Shit, I wish I was only 32 again. Keep moving forward

UAB,

Had one just like yours with the violence (there are/were police reports) and the blameshifting and the cheating and the manipulating and the words said just to hurt-

Keep silent, carry a VAR, and know this; You will be better off without her in your daily life. Not only better off, but happier, healthier (both mentally and physically), and in a place of contentment you didn't believe existed.

She is a miasma wafting around you and poisoning your atmosphere. Time to fan it away.

(and keep the VAR handy whenever you interact with her, ever, forever)

Rough childhood, victim of bullying, ex-wife both physically and emotionally abusing you.

This is a fucking catalyst man. We all need kicks in the ass from time to time and maybe if you believe in a god he decided you needed a good ol kick in the ass to really be you. It's not about getting knocked down, it's how you get up.

It's kind of like when Walter White was diagnosed with cancer. I'd advise making different decisions than he made but take that mindset of his and run with it!

You did not deserve your mother's abuse.

You do not deserve your wife's abuse.

In can relate to being a people pleaser. We do everything we can to make others happy. Please like me, please love me. I'll be good, I promise. Where did it get us? Disrespect and abuse. Being taken for granted. We are worth more than that!

Keep the divorce course and use the therapy to prove to yourself what a terrific STRONG man you are!!!!

And, if you break NC, we will confiscate your Tannerite for the rest of the summer!

I have had my wife make me bleed before, she beat the shit out of me. But I deserved it. It was normal and I took it like a man after I was hell bent on giving her my mind after her affair. But this...

You know, really... Her hitting me has never been okay. I always took the blame for it, "Well, I DID push her buttons..." But I mean, now that I'm removed from the situation... it's really fucked up. She left bruises multiple times.

(Just when y'all thought she couldn't get any worse, right?)

In fact, last time she beat the crap outta me was on my birthday last year. She never even apologized.

Why did I want to salvage this shit again?

Dont even go there. You are a man. She wont look up to you if you make this some type of topic in your problems. You pushed her buttons as you say. Live with that and dont be so trivial.

Be more concerned with correcting yourself and being better. Your wife did some bad things to you, but dont fall into the trap of being a victim now with this. She cant hurt you physically at all unless she has a weapon. You know this so leave that shit out of it.

Keep your eye on the real problem. The fact that she lied to you a million times.

Playing the victim will get you.... nowhere. Im sorry, but noone will feel sorry for a guy that gets beat up by a girl. They simply wont care.

[This message edited by TheDarkestTime at 11:06 PM, May 22nd (Friday)]

Oh, for fuck's sake. It's not OK for a woman to hit a man, just like it isn't OK for a man to hit a woman. Don't try to pull some stupid macho bullshit here. You aren't impressing anybody.

Seriously, fuck off with that bullshit. Don't post shit that makes me stupider for having read it.

hopeless,

Women dont want men that they can beat up. Take a poll. I dare you.

Seriously, fuck off with that bullshit. Don't post shit that makes me stupider for having read it.

You tell me to fuck off? Wow.

I in no way could post anything that could make you stupider, you have done that all by yourself. You called me out. You have me now.

I am just trying to establish to UAB to be strong no matter what the hurt. He is HURT!!!

But looking weak and grovelling will not do here, even if his wife has hit him. Her slaps or hits may smart, but the underlying pain he feels is the real problem, not some after the fact physical abuse. UAB is not hurt with the physical nature of his wife towards him. He is a man and all I wanted to do is remind him of this. That a women wants a man, not a hopeless man that points out that he was beat up by a woman. THIS WONT PLAY FOR HIM.

I am not macho as you say h0pless, but I seriously wont fault my wife for hitting me after I gave her strong language out of rage. I expected it. Certainly would not make it a topic of discussion since I could have pummelled her.

You need to "cowboy" up my friend.

Alright, perhaps I need to clarify.

I took the hitting just fine. Never once brought it up to her, even in all this shit.

Not going to either.

I'm just processing all the jacked up shit in this now flatlined relationship.

"but he's ugly as hell, too. The affair fog is STRONG with this one."

I am so sorry to hear about all you are going through. Keep moving forward, one step at a time. I'm glad to see you've had much support here on SI.

And oh my!!!! Your above quote really made me laugh hard. Thank you, I needed that!

The darkest time -

I am not macho as you say h0pless, but I seriously wont fault my wife for hitting me after I gave her strong language out of rage. I expected it. Certainly would not make it a topic of discussion since I could have pummelled her.

You need to "cowboy" up my friend.

Well, you seriously should fault your wife for hitting you! Ugly words don't equal the right to be physically violent with someone. This isn't about manning up...it is about acting like adults. Marriage is about love...you should love the person more than you love yourself. That's the goal, both people put each other's needs ahead of their own. Hitting someone is not a loving action. We treat strangers on the street with more respect than that. Your perspective on this to me comes across as antiquated. You said take a poll...I am a woman...you know, of all the things that make it to my list of what I want or don't want in a partner...being able to "beat him up" doesn't make it on either list. Wanna know why?! Because I don't hit. Beating my husband up is NOT even in my realm of possibility.

I agree that it isn't helpful to get stuck in a victim mentality. But if you read through all of UAB's posts...he has done a lot of hard work in a very short time. I think when a person is betrayed by the one person in the world who is supposed to protect them...they are entitled to moments of feeling like a victim. Because...they are! Now if a lot of time elapses and they don't do anything to get their strength and power back...yes, they can get stuck and that can be very hard on their recovery. I think it would behoove you to have a little more compassion in your posts. We are all fighting the same battle here.

A woman hitting a man who they know won't hit them back is just as cowardly as a man hitting a woman when he has a huge size and strength advantage. UAB wasn't "playing the victim", he was the victim of assault. He didn't deserve it. YOU didn't deserve it, no matter what you said. He was abused, in more ways than one, and it's perfectly OK for him to process it without someone telling him to sack up.

Sometimes people say stupid shit on here. That was one of those times.

Briarrose33,

I think that you misunderstand. I am not suggesting that a woman such as yourself (normal) would want to beat up their husband. I am simply saying that if you did have this need to beat him up, that you would not respect him. This is not the case with you. But if you hit him in a momment of rage after he was being hateful towards you, calling you names, cheating on you, then if you hit him it would be understandable because you are a prideful woman. And you did this out of love. This is not antiquated. Love and Hate have a very thin line between them. Crossing that border between the two is instant. And in a lot of marriages this will happen even when two people love each other.

h0peless,

UAB wasn't "playing the victim", he was the victim of assault. He didn't deserve it. YOU didn't deserve it, no matter what you said. He was abused, in more ways than one, and it's perfectly OK for him to process it without someone telling him to sack up.

All I am saying here is to stay focused. None of us derserve this shit. But this has seemed to seep into a different thing, like being beat up by the wife. Sad. Yes, I am telling UAB to just focus on the emotional part of it, not the physical abuse from his wife unless that is indeed the problem. If that is the case, he needs to start a new thread on that because that is a new topic. I thought it was about his wife cheating on him.

I would go farther, Darkesttime, and say that anyone who hits his or her spouse does not respect him or her. One of the things we attempted to hammer home to our children was that we don't solve family problems with violence because we don't hit people we love and respect.

I hit my husband for the first (and only) time after his first affair. I think it would be fair to say that I had definitely lost respect for him. And then I lost some self-respect for hitting him. That was as hard to work through as the affair. I'll never hit him again and it was completely out of character for me.

If hitting your spouse isn't out of character and happens occasionally or frequently, I'd have to wonder if there was ever any respect regardless of the sex of the perpetrator of the abuse.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 3:48 AM, May 23rd (Saturday)]

Tearsoflove,

Good words of truth. We have all been there with you.

U&B, thanks for the updates! You're on a good path, keep it up!

U&B))) Be kind to yourself brother.

You have a pm

Playing the victim will get you.... nowhere. Im sorry, but noone will feel sorry for a guy that gets beat up by a girl. They simply won't care.

@TheDarkestTime, I have to join in and agree that your post was not supportive of UAB. UAB is in no way "playing a victim". He actually is a victim, of both physical and emotional abuse. BTW, we (maybe not you, TDT, but the collective SI) cares very, very much about UAB and that he was physically abused.

Dont even go there. You are a man. She wont look up to you if you make this some type of topic in your problems. You pushed her buttons as you say. Live with that and don't be so trivial.

It isn't trivial, and I don't believe he was making this a topic. He was stating a fact, and that looking back now, he wonders why he accepted it. It is good that he is looking back and getting out of his own "fog" of his dysfunctional marriage and realizing that he accepted so much less than he deserved.

It seems that UAB has had long standing problems with not being assertive and being a "doormat" than you come along and want him to be just a doormat again about the physical abuse dished out by his WW. No, he doesn't have to be quiet about that, it is about time he lets everyone know.

UAB you are a strong man. You are a good man. This shit is hard as hell and you are walking through the fire with your head held high and your self respect in tact.

ETA:

But if you hit him in a momment of rage after he was being hateful towards you, calling you names, cheating on you, then if you hit him it would be understandable because you are a prideful woman. And you did this out of love. This is not antiquated. Love and Hate have a very thin line between them. Crossing that border between the two is instant. And in a lot of marriages this will happen even when two people love each other.

TDT, this is some fucked up shit right here. If you truly believe this, I feel you need some help. If the tables were turned, would it be okay if a husband did this to his wife? Are not men prideful, too? I mean, the line between love and hate is very thin and it happens in an instant, so understandable if the husband clocks his wife, right?

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 10:42 AM, May 23rd (Saturday)]

I agree Hopeless regarding the cowardly thing. It's true. So many guys I know won't hit back and a few of their wives have pummeled them. It's all cowardly.

Let me state this about DV and men vs. women.

If a woman is beating the heck out of a guy and he pushes back to defend himself/make her stop, and then she calls the cops, guess who gets to wear the silver braclets?

So as a guy, I would advise "taking it" and walking (run) away.