SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello!I'm new to this website.My friend recommended it to me after I told him I needed to share this experience with people who have been cheated on as well and might be able to relate to me.So,my story is a unbelievable.It is very hard to believe.I,myself am still shocked even though it happened 3 days ago.

Me and my wife have been married for 19 years now.We have a daughter who's 11.In terms of parenting, I believe we are both doing a great job.We both work.We both spend as much time as possible with our daughter.Maybe that is the problem-we don't have that much time for us any more.Before we had our daughter we used to go out every night and do romantic stuff for couples and our sex life was amazing!Now,we hardly ever have sex.That is one thing that started bothering me and I started missing but I realized that at this age sex cannot come first and that this rut that me and my wife are in is normal for all couples in our situation but apparently my wife didn't share my opinion because she cheated on me.The worst part about is is that I caught her in the act and she doesn't even know I caught her.

Recently,at dinner,she started receiving phone calls very frequently and by that I mean every single evening.I'd always trusted my wife but I started to become suspicious towards her.Last week when she was having a bath before work she received a message on Facebook.I took the liberty to take her iPhone and read it.But because I didn't know her password for unlocking the device or whatever it's called(I'm sorry,when it comes to technology I'm out of my element)I couldn't read the entire message.However,it was a message from on of her friends(female friends).It read something along the lines of:So what happened last night?.... I was confused because I thought maybe my wife was seeing her friends and not necessarily cheating on me but maybe that wasn't the case.To my chagrin,when she was done taking a bath and went in her room to dress up I overheard a conversation she was having with her friend.I heard her say:I'm so glad I took a sabbatical,now I can see him every day.I feel so good I haven't felt like this is ages,I just feel so guilty though...maybe I should confess to my husband....and after a few more mins of talking on the phone she hung up.I was flabbergasted,I was shocked.I decided to follow her to the place where she was gonna be meeting the other guy.I did just that.She checked into a hotel.I tried to check in myself but that wasn't gonna do any good so I asked them about the room my wife was in.I told them her name and everything they needed to know.All they said on the reception was:I'm sorry sir we cannot give you such information.I was furious but I didn't let my emotions get the better of me.I didn't want to confront my wife about it either because she's that type of person who will deny everything until proven otherwise.So I decided to catch her in the act.I came up with a brilliant plan.I figured since there are a lot of books at home organized on shelves I could hide a small camera somewhere.Long story short,I bought a camera and hid it and then I tested it.It was recording in good quality.I hid it in the bedroom because I told my wife my mother was dying so I'd be away for a couple of days so I figured if she took the liberty to bring that guy over here then they'd do it in the bedroom.What happened was I waited 2 days.My friend put me up for a night over at his.Then I went back home.My wife was there,our daughter too and everything seemed to be normal.We had dinner and when everyone went to bed I took my laptop and the camera and then I watched the full recording.I was right.My wife did have a lover and she did bring him over to our home when I was away.I thought she said she felt guilty.She could've at least fucked him in that hotel again.I don't think I could ever get over what I watched.It was like watching a porno.They were kissing very pationately.The guy was tall,I couldn't see his face properly because he was wearing a baseball cap.My wife was wearing one of my shirts but had no pants on.She pushed him on our bed and started giggling.I could see her back and the back of her head because that was the angle the camera was recording from.She was telling him how sexy he was and so on.She took off his pants and gave him a blowjob(something she doesn't do for me any more and the guy wasn't even wearing a condom).Then he went down on her.Then they had sex on our own bed which I couldn't see much of because they were underneath the sheets.And then I saw my wife do something I never thought she'd do.The guy straddled her,he got on top of her and even though I couldn't see it properly,he came on her face.They both remained silent for a while.I was so shocked and so angry at that time.Then they started talking dirty to each other(also something me and her don't do any more)she told him she'd kiss me without brushing her teeth when I got home and gave him another blowjob.Inwas disgusted.I even watched them dress up in the end.So now 3 days later i still haven't decided what to do.We have a daughter.If we didn't I'd divorce her right away.I just don't know why she would do that after so many years of being together.

Wow...I am speechless reading this...I don't even know what to say.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Brace yourself for YEARS of pain. Stay away from alcohol because you are about to feel emotions you have never felt before. I wish you the best of luck.

This story is devastating and I wanted to reply and let you know that you have been heard. I honestly don't know how you lasted after the hotel and then to watch that movie?

I'd find out who the OM is. Is he someone she works with? Is he married? See a lawyer and find out where you stand financially.

You need to get tested for STDs and stop having sex with her.

Are you afraid to confront her? Why? You could start by asking her about the hotel to see how much she will tell you.

You should take things slow and not make any quick decisions but I don't think I could unsee what you saw.

she told him she'd kiss me without brushing her teeth when I got home and gave him another blowjob

This guy didn't ask, she just offered. She doesn't feel guilty about you, she is very angry about you, very resentment. The stuff about guilty is only because she is trying to look like a "good" person with her friend. Disrespect. Notice she did not tell the other man that she feels guilty, only the friend. With the other man, she was telling that other man is number one, my husband is meaningless to me compared to you.

I would start with shock and awe. Tell her you know she has had sex with another man, do not tell her how you know. No matter how she asks about how you know, tell her it's none of her business how you know. Tell her you know a lot, but you might not know everything, so you want her to tell you yourself everything, from name of guy's name, where they met, when it started. Don't bring out the details from the messages or from the camera. It will be tempting for you to want to throw it in her face and yell, but just stick to a vague "I know you are cheating, having sex, and I want you to tell me everything." She won't tell you the truth immediately, but if she is serious and you stick to you need to know, then she should tell her within a day or two. It will help you figure out whether she wants to stay or is just planning to keep cheating and lie better.

Ask her why she cheated and, whatever problem there was to you or the marriage, why didn't she tell you about it rather than cheat? Ask if you are so terrible and the marriage is so terrible, why didn't she just divorce, why be so deceitful and lying, is that who she is all about, a cheater and a liar?

Tell her from now on she will sleep in the other bedroom or in the couch. Detach. Tell her you are leaning toward divorce, if she can tell the truth and show she is committed to help you get over this, then you might re-consider, but as of now, you have seen nothing from her.

Starting immediately, she ends the affair, changes her phone number, deletes her facebook. Never sees the other guy again. Also never sees the girlfriend who she confided in again. You've seen some serious damage, and you've got to see some serious commitment to her in order to start moving on. If she is not willing to do those things, then how commitment could she be to you? Is the other man or her girlfriend more important to you?

In the meantime, call today and see an attorney. Start the divorce process rolling. You can stop the process if your wife commits. Don't tell her you are doing this.

Also, get a couple of voice-activated recorders. Put one in her car, you will be able to find the truth because she will talk openly to the other man and her girlfriend in the car. She won't go no contact immediately. Do that today if you can, before you confront.

Also, keep one on you at all time just in case she tries to falsely accuse of you of domestic violence. She has a girlfriend who is a bit of a cheerleader, other man is an unknown, and your wife is extremely angry and resentment about you. Be prepared that this could happen, she has a couple of others who will help her coach.

Never give up your evidence. Never let her know how you know.

OMG I am stunned. This is beyond awful. You must be in shock. I can say you were very brave to seek the truth. And now you have it. The truth about her.

Buckle in. It is going to be a long ride and you need self care. LOTS of it. Taking care of yourself and your daughter right now and in the future will become the most thing in your life. Literally.

Guard you heart. Post often. You will receive amazing advice here on the forum.

I would get into IC right away so you have professional help with all the emotions that are going to come, and develop coping skills to navigate through the next months. Also get in touch with a good lawyer so you know your options.

(((hugs)))

WHAT WK55 SAID

There's no guarantee your marriage will survive, but I assume you want that as an option. Cheating is a predictable behavior, and there are various behaviors, both who cheat and are cheated on, that can be fairly predicted. Based on numerous threads on this forum, you can look, the husband who takes a hard line, no holds barred, are the ones who have an option to stay married. The ones who negotiate and are understanding INITIALLY do not fare as well. There is a time for understanding and negotiating, but it is not now.

The cheaters are selfish and will continue to take advantage of you until you put your foot down. It will be easier if you just put your foot down immediately, rather than play cat and mouse. Go look at the wayward forum, many will say that they only quit cheating when the husband finally said he is ready to divorce.

This person is not your wife anymore. Her appearance is the same, her voice is the same, but an alien has taken over her being. Don't think that "I know her, she would never do this or that." She already has proven that she's not the same person she used to be. She changed. You may be able to stay married and happy, but it will be different, she will be different, and you will be different now, too.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 7:34 AM, July 13th (Monday)]

nidd,

You have already started to receive advice. personally i do not see how anyone can tell you to take your time when your wife is bringing other men into your home.

Your situation is horrible but clear cut in that unlike so many who come to this forum not really knowing what is going on, you have all the proof you need so what would you wait for??? Would you really think they are just going to stop.????

You have two distinct choices here

(1) confront her IMMEDIATELY and as wk55 told you do not tell her everything you know but that you know she is cheating, that there is no reason to try to deny it (she will deny) and that she can either come clean or that you refuse to remain in a relationship with more than two people in it.

(2) do nothing, remain paralyzed with grief, and every time you leave the house wonder what time he will be arriving since no she has plenty of time. WHAT MORE EVIDENCE DO YOU NEED???

Your child is NOT a reason to live with a wife who is fucking other men in your bed and telling him she will not even brush her teeth so please get out of denial and into anger stage pronto.

She obviously has at least one girlfriend who is encouraging her and cheerleading her on to keep having her fun and they are laughing about it behind your back.

You will get a lot more advice but i really do not know what any good any of it will do if you choose to sit there and let this go on.

Ditto to wk55. Great advice.

Reiterating....never, ever give up your sources of evidence....ever. I cannot stress that enough.

I WILL ADD TO THIS AS WELL.

1) Her friend is toxic. She is enabling the affair and must go for now, regardless of what choice you make

2) Your wife has basically said "To hell with the last 19 years, I will now throw it all away to be a scumbag'. You did very good detective work but this is only the beginning.

3) Make copies - three copies- of the evidence you have. Keep at least two off site. See an attorney and retain one. Give one copy to that attorney.

4) Your wife is not only cheating, she is using your bed, using your $$ and doing things with the other guy she won't do with you. All of these are unforgivable IMO.

5) Your wife chose to turn to slutty behaviors rather than working the marriage. The caliber of person she has become is sickening. You must treat her as an adversary now. She is not your friend, hell, she's not even your wife right now. I would protect yourself and this is what I would do.

- follow Wk's advice and go shock and awe. Tell her you know and WK is right don't tell her how you know. I would go one step further and demand that until things are figured out, she is to have no contact with her enabling friend. Tell her that you know her friends are supportive. Don't tell her how and isolate her.

- Book a good attorney immediately. I would make the appointment today for this week. Prepare to pay a retainer fee.

- Start implementing a 180 immediately after confrontation. Wear a VAR like WK said. She didn't hesitate to screw him in your bed, she wouldn't hesitate to file a false DV order and get you out of the house to continue the affair.

- Your wife is not a good Mom because she is now threatening your marriage and a breakup which good parent's don't do, all for her own lust. DO NOT RULE OUT divorce because of the daughter. You have already lived 3 days in pain. How did that feel ? Not good ... So do you want that for 7 more years everyday in your house and in your face ?

- When you confront, ask how she found this guy. If Ashley Madison, we have some experts here who can help you find the profile.

Timeline

- Today - read up on the 180

Confront

Buy VARS

Research and reach out to an attorney

for a consult this week

Copies of evidence and off campus

Pack and copy valuable documents and

valuables and safeguard them

Find it in your inner strength -

heart over mind- understand this is

war

By the time you go to sleep tonight, the 180 should be in effect. Confrontation completed. VARs planted.

Finally, none of this is your fault. You stayed loyal, she turned to scum. Treat her like she treats you. Do the 180. Kick her out of the bedroom and get her into a guest room. Then take the sheets and cut them up and give them to her as a present.

But whatever you do, go to action today. Don't wait

daughter

I agree with Nononsense completely

she told him she'd kiss me without brushing her teeth when I got home and gave him another blowjob.

It's one thing to bring him into your house, into your bedroom, onto your bed, with your child down the hall.

That is horrific behavior.

However, add to it that you were supposedly visiting your dying mother...

AND the above quote?

The disrespect towards you is on a whole other level.

I think I would put a VAR in her car, and figure out who OM is. You will probably figure it out in a day or so.

Then I'd confront.

The reason I say wait...is because you need to know who this POS is. She will never tell you. She will lie. Something tells me you know this guy..or you have at least heard of him. And you need to know who your enemies are..and you need to tell his wife.

Also..your wife...is NOT a good mother. She may have been before this affair..and she can be again..but now? Nope. Not even a little bit. A good mother doesn't have an affair. She doesn't neglect her child so she can text OM. She certainly doesn't bring her fuckbuddy into her home, with her kid there. Any parent having an affair is a piss poor parent. They are putting their need to give/receive blow jobs, above the security, happiness, and well being of their children. A good mother doesn't destroy the father of her children.

Im sorry you're here. Im sorry you saw that.

[This message edited by confused615 at 8:11 AM, July 13th (Monday)]

Lately, I've seen several posts from new members who are overly explicit in describing their wives having sex with other men - but say they still haven't confronted her yet. It seems to be a pattern lately. And then they only post one or two more times then don't come back at all to their thread.

I think I'll wait this one out to see how it develops.

Good luck to you, OP.

I agree with Confused

Lately, I've seen several posts from new members who are overly explicit in describing their wives having sex with other men - but say they still haven't confronted her yet. It seems to be a pattern lately. And then they only post one or two more times then don't come back at all to their thread.

I think I'll wait this one out to see how it develops.

Glad I'm not the only one. I agree. with you NeverAgain2013.

*UPDATE* I just contacted an attorney that my friend helped me find.I'm meeting him later to discuss the whole situation.My friend agrees with most of the comments you guys posted.I just wanna say thanks!

Well I would keep posting here AFTER you confront her and that should be your next interaction after the attorney.

With this behavior, i have no idea how you can want to reconcile but the members here can help you deal with the bull shit you are going to hear after you confront her.

After she gets done lying and telling you it is all your fault, you CAN get some good advice here for free.

i suggest you follow it

I am glad you friend has some sense and is helping you not just sit around.

@nononsense maybe it is my fault because I've become a boring person and me and her kinda lost that spark.She doesn't think I'm attractive any more.I just don't know.What am I gonna tell our child when we get divorced?It is so complicated.It's like a movie I never thought it would come to this.