SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I let a good weekend dupe me.

No. You developed good habits for a father and husband to have. Then you found out that the husband part wasn't what you thought it was. Later, you felt the pull to slide back into them. So you've got to take a good hard look at those habits.

Big difference. Capiche?

You let absolutely nothing dupe you. You are MILES ahead of most people at this stage. You are a good guy, deserve more than you've gotten and we will expect the best out of you. We're only holding you to the same standards that you hold yourself to. So buck up, let bygones be bygones, get the VAR in place, tell your wife's current boyfriend's wife about his little secret and see a lawyer today.

I realized how freaking stupid I've been

Gently, with compassion, you're sliding back into that again. STOP IT. We all did this, and we know where it leads. We're here to stop you from making the same mistakes because we know where they lead. I know you think you're getting ganged up on and beat up. You're not, we're just trying to get you on the right path, and to warn you and hopefully stop you when we see you're sliding back into old easy habits and old easy roles. But the self-blame, that's a very destructive road you're venturing down. I got quite a way down it before I got woke up. Eventually you will begin to resent yourself, and your WW for making you feel that way, and will doom any R in your future. But not to worry, we're here to lovingly beat you in the head with a 2X4 every time you look down that road.

Sent you a PM.

[This message edited by tbkjcn at 12:33 PM, July 20th (Monday)]

She has to leave the job. She should already have updated her resume and should be contacting a headhunter this morning. She should no longer be very interested in her job because she knows she will be leaving it soon. So far, it's all just words and I guess from my point of view you are afraid that she will refuse, then you will have to divorce or lose respect. That is where you stand.

Writing a plan down is nice, but what are you and her waiting for? You are too patient and not angry enough for what she has done to you. I know a lot of people post here and try to reconcile and talk it over and discuss, but you know most of the guys I know in real life wouldn't dream about asking for advice here, they would drive over to her job and raise holy hell, and the security guard would need to escort from the premises. There is something to be said for that, too.

Maybe I am a bit of a phony, because when I found out I raised holy hell, too, and I don't usually advise doing that to others here. Maybe it was good to me that I didn't even think about asking for advice on the internet for much later on.

Have you considered what message your wife gets from how reasonable you are, how you are accepting she can continue to work there one single day? My wife did not want me to ask forcefully for the consequnces, but I do know she respected me and at some level she did know I loved very much to fight so hard and so strongly with no flexibility.

I have been in situations where I've had to scramble to find a job quickly. From the minute I knew I'd need to find another job, it took me less than an hour to update my resume and about 10 minutes to call a headhunter. Then again, it was an emergency. Apparently for your wife, it is not.

remain vigilant.

yes it was a good weekend but you need to remain focused on the task at hand

Meeting with the lawyer is setup for Thursday. I followed the advice here and went with Cordell & Cordell dealing with father's rights.

The OM lives in Oxford, England. I have to find another service to track down their address. I can't trust that she'll get the Facebook message.

I'm trying not to rock the boat I think. Right now, I want to believe she can worthy of being with me. That's why I got the VAR. I'm worried of the exact situation with the drinking. I truly believe she is doing what she says but I wouldn't bet a dollar on if she wouldn't get back in the sack with him.

I really don't know if I can do this. Stay with her. I want the comfortable life. That's all a lie. I can't trust a damn thing she says to me but I keep losing sight of that.

No matter what you read or tone you might read it in on here, just know that NOBODY thinks you are a sucker, a fool, or a rube...

You really are doing amazing. The way this situation destroys our ability to focus and think (well it sure did to mine anyway) - you have done AWESOME.

We all know how counter-intuitive some of this advice/thinking is - I mean this is your WIFE we are talking about - the mother of your children! Best friend, confidante, the one we talk to when we are facing the worst life has to offer - now they are the SOURCE of it?!?

It is so bizarre. Try not to beat yourself up.

No matter what you read or tone you might read it in on here, just know that NOBODY thinks you are a sucker, a fool, or a rube...

You really are doing amazing. The way this situation destroys our ability to focus and think (well it sure did to mine anyway) - you have done AWESOME.

We all know how counter-intuitive some of this advice/thinking is - I mean this is your WIFE we are talking about - the mother of your children! Best friend, confidante, the one we talk to when we are facing the worst life has to offer - now they are the SOURCE of it?!?

It is so bizarre. Try not to beat yourself up.

^^^

Completely agree.

Appointment check.

Now check some of these of for us (even if we've asked you before, shit changes, we know):

Not drinking?

Journaling?

Exercising?

Here's something else I want to remind you... every time your mind goes into the "Why?!?!?!" the answer is: because she wanted to.

The why will trip you up and slow you down and cause you to fall into a quicksand pit of depression and self-doubt. She did it because she wanted to. If you guys end up in R, and working things out, a different why will come up. But for right now? Because she wanted to.

Not drinking?

Journaling?

Exercising?

I had one beer last night because we were out with another couple. Otherwise I want to keep completely sober.

I've been posting here so much, I haven't been journaling lately. I need to get back to that.

Exercising - Check. Trying to keep up on this.

Here's something else I want to remind you... every time your mind goes into the "Why?!?!?!" the answer is: because she wanted to.

Good Lord - Amen to that... Can't tell you how many months (years?) I tripped myself up, berated myself, held fantastic pity parties, made terrible decisions... All beginning with me trying to answer that stupid bloody question.

Years later, doctors, therapists, books, TIME --- thinking clearly at last --- and the answer is..... Because she wanted to.

You are doing a good job! And take what jobin said to heart. This is such a bizarre state to be put in. I continually have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that the person I talked to about everything just can't be that person for me right now. All the shit I am feeling is his doing. And, yet, I still love him. It is madness.

So keep coming here, as I do. You're not alone. You're not at fault. You're not crazy. You're not a fool.

Like horses that only wish to gallop like hell back to their cozy barn and eat the comforting hay, we need blinders to keep us focused on our path. The people here are our blinders. Why rush back to the barn before the shit has been cleaned out?

You really are doing a great job, it just takes time to process what has happened. My situation was very different from yours but I was a little slack at my Dday and paid for it with a 2nd Dday.

I made this mistake with my WH and I think it it led to me having a difficult time handlinf the situation.

The problem with putting someone on a pedestal is they have that much further to fall. And eventually you notice that every time you look up, you see how dirty their feet are.

If she does not quit her job I would seriously consider having her NOT GO on the future trips or at least go with her.

if the affair starts up again that is when it will probably happen

There is a method to this madness that we're recommending here.

Sometimes we try to busy ourselves with doing something (ANYTHING, DAMMIT!) to avoid feeling the pain. Because, shit, anything's better than the pain, right? Wrong. That pain has to come out. You ignore it, you bottle it up, or 57 similar wrong things to do with it, and it will rot you on the inside or explode. Or both.

This is why the journal is so damn important. Because that's the outlet. That's where you put all the fucking venom.

And believe me, there will be a whole lot more poison than you ever could believe would or should be inside you.

Drinking - avoid at all costs. One beer socially this weekend? Let it be your last until you've recovered. For good reasons:

-it only makes it worse

-worst case scenario it could be used against you in court to take the kids away

-the piece inside you that lets you know when to stop? yeah, that piece has been removed.

-you wouldn't want to say something in front of your kids that you'd regret

-did I mention it only makes the pain worse?

Emotionally, when I first found out? I felt like I had been broken into a million pieces on the floor. Ooops... here's the angry NTV. Here's they crying one, here's the numb one... etc. This is normal.

wk55hn couldn't be more right. She's calling your bluff. Tell her that when she gets home tonight "I thought about it and I would like to take you up on your offer of you quitting your job. My decision is final".

You'll see the maniuplation start .84 seconds after that. Anger, softening you up (I really have juuuuuust one project left), something....

You're falling for it and using your kids to make excuse for her to continue her job and continue her relationship with her boyfriend.

Your kids deserve a mother who loves her and puts her family first. You need to break out your own 2x4s to make that happen. 20 years from now your kids won't give a shit if they got 2 My Little Ponies instead of 12 for Christmas.

It's becoming more clear for me. I'm letting the anger in now and it's fucked. What she did. The pedestal I have put her on. It's all a fucking lie.

I've got some shit in mind for tonight.

The quitting her job thing---you have two or three schools of thought here on this, take your pick what will work best for your situation and what you want:

1. If you want divorce, leave it alone. She will continue her relationship with him in secret and you can use her distraction against her.

2. If you want reconciliation, demand that she quit. Immediately.

3. If you aren't sure, wait until you see an attorney, see how it will impact divorce. Possibly push for her to change jobs quicker.

Your choice. each option has an outcome. But make no mistake, if she stays at this job, she will continue to see this guy.

But shit, if she changes jobs it might just become a different guy.

Also, you can demand it all you want, it's still her decision to make right? That's why filing for divorce is so damn important. It's the place of strength, the position of power that will ultimately enforce what you want from her in order to be willing to reconcile. Things like a postnup.

Make sense?

Edited to add: this is where the planning mentioned earlier comes into play.

[This message edited by Notthevictem at 1:37 PM, July 20th (Monday)]

I've got some shit in mind for tonight.

Do not let the anger out yet. Journal it. You need to see that attorney before you make any moves.

Example: the shit you have in mind for tonight, could lead to an argument with voices raised. It's clear she's seen an attorney, she knows what buttons to push to make you angry and sees the opportunity. She pushes. You argue. She calls the police and claims you hit her. You can't offer any defense. (course, your recorder should be running just in case, but you haven't used it yet and might not get it right). Now you're in jail. Then, she changes all the bank accounts. Now she's filing for divorce and you can't do anything about it from the jail cell.

Right now, play either the business as usual card or the don't give a fuck card. Those are your two cards.

Capiche?!?!?!

It's becoming more clear for me. I'm letting the anger in now and it's fucked. What she did. The pedestal I have put her on. It's all a fucking lie.

I've got some shit in mind for tonight.

Do not do that.

Stay cool.

The anger is far better than depression, but instead of anger, be indifferent!

Have your wife give you the guys phone number. Have your wife get the text messages for you.

Has she given you all of her passwords to everything yet?

Just act cold and indifferent, in other words the 180.

You might consider searching her car for a burner phone, though she probably keeps that at work.

If there is to be R and if there is to be a marriage, there can be no secrets, and none of the things she tells you like you dont need to know that.

It is never ever up to the WS to determine what the BS needs to know in order to heal.

Just keep your cool! You are basically in charge now, the affair is known to you. And your wife wants nothing more than for you to fall in line.

Act like you are. But continue on the current path of finding out about this OM. Contacting his wife and getting to the bottom of the truth.

I want the timeline in writing. With some details: Times, places, dates

That's step 1. No anger. I'm apparently really good at hiding anger. But this will be the very first thing she does tonight or this will change from a possible R to a definite D.

Then I'll work on the job situation.