SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well I just perused this entire thread and see you have received excellent advice from some of our more famous and great men.

I also see you are stuck in the codependent cycle of abuse your wife has put you in. Yup it's abuse. Self admittedly you are somewhat isolated from friends. Your brother is your only close person. She threatens and makes thing out like it's your fault and she will leave and you are so damn desperate to save your M because the fear of what if has paralyzed you. Your so scared you can't even make yourself see a lawyer. That by the way is quite possibly the biggest mistake so far.

I see the cycle of lather rinse and repeat going on in short already. Remember the anger you felt and the strength you felt when you pulled away and saw her for who she is really being? Yup hang on to that.

I know it's been said that you need to be willing to lose the relationship to save it. But don't you see that you already have lost it?

I mean come the fuck on. She's mad at you? Because your in pain? She's mad at you? Because you wanted someone are your team to help you make sure it's done?

What the ever living fuck!?!?!?!

She is about as far from remorseful as they come.

Time to find your balls again and nut up. Seriously time to lay down the law. Send her packing. Not you. She wants to act like a single lady. Fine. Just not in front of you or the kidS. Your wife is no longer the woman you married. For some unknown reason she's left and now you have a narcissistic abusive lying cheater. She's not the woman you want around. She manipulates you and makes you feel a tiny bit safe. Get some distance on it. 180 her and really do it not this passive aggressive I'm trying to win you back bullshit. She's gone and your only hope to save this train wreck it to take control and stop it.

You have zero control over her actions and thoughts. However you do ha e control over how you react to her shitty behavior.

You show people how you want to be treated. Right now you have show her that you will allow her to continue with her behavior and do essentially nothing. Time to rock her world. If that means having your brother come help you find your backbone then do it.

She didn't know the UK number was him.... And her phone somehow jammed 'on', and remained glued to her ear, and aliens took over her brain and forced her to engage in a conversation with him...

You didn't tell her you were contacting the other BS because for SOOOOOME reason you had the feeling she might warn loverboy, despite the promise of NC... Don't know where the feelings of mistrust might have come from, as you have no REASON to doubt her, right? Good lord they are delusional.

Does she not feel the other spouse has a right to know? She is kinda involved.

"Why wouldn't you keep OUR secret NOTTHEVICTIM??? How can my affair partner and I trust you if you won't keep our secret?!?"

I swear they make me want to throw up.

Lol that last one was funny.

I also feel like I was stabbed in the back. I was very clear about the NC. She failed at that. I feel like she should have immediately told him to stop since it wasn't professional.

She had no fucking intention of ever stopping. Stop trying to rationalize. now her next move is going to be to try to punish you and openly talk to him and blame it on you. And do not listen to any bull shit about what her IC says when she comes home and tells you some fabricated story that her IC said you should not have done that.if her IC told her what she is doing is correct then the IC is a quack.

Om wife must not have enjoyed the news if Om reached out and told your wife. not your problem now. Fuck him

GET TO THE DAMM ATTORNEY. if you still believe this woman wants to be married to you your thought process is totally distorted. her heart as she says may have been with you ( bull shit) but we all know where her vagina is.

Do you know what is truly funny, in a twisted kind of way?

They broke no contact right? (Hahaha we all know they never stopped, but let's pretend...)

Well ICO didn't know that - but his wife felt so fucking entitled and in control that she couldn't resist outing HERSELF in order to give ICO crap for daring to speak without permission...

Entitlement, thy name is CHEATERS...

Yup, the attorney is coming. I'm going to contact them tomorrow since I think they are closed now. I'm watching the kids right now anyway.

Her need to express her disappointment and anger far outweighed her need to hide the fact that she has been in contact with OM (and I do not believe she ever stopped being in contact).

This SAYS her needs, her feelings, far outweigh yours. The more you detach you more clearly you will see her.

She told you her mind is there with you but only half her heart? Then gives you shit for telling OM's BS? And chastizes you for keeping it from her?

Un-fucking-believable.

ICO

Stop wasting your money on IC. Tell her when she gets home any more IC she can pay for.

Tomorrow, as soon as you leave the lawyer, go to your bank, take one half the money and open accounts in your name only.

You can expect her to be vindictive now and do not be surprised if she tells you she is going on the business trip to UK. if she does that tell his wife that too.

The entire time you have been posting here she has been in contact with him and her cheerleader girlfriend on how to play you. you just blew up the little game so they are not happy.

She is going to rage at you that she was really wanting to R but you screwed it up. Yup, you sure did. You outed her fuck buddy.

I hope you realize now why everyone was telling you what they did and that from here on ut it is HARDBALL time.

nononsense speaks the truth, ICO...

I noticed you also got the old "I don't know who you are anymore" from your wife... That really irks me, even though I see the comment for the blatant attempt at manipulation it is.

If you EVER have doubts about 'who you are', just remember:

- YOU are a person who kept their marital vows.

- YOU are a person who, despite the worst betrayal a spouse can face, STILL attempted to forgive.

- YOU are a person who kept his head, never resorting to violence or abuse, never forgetting about his kids...

- YOU are a person who has only asked 'what is happening?' and 'what is the RIGHT thing to do?', not 'how can I get revenge?' or 'how can I rip her off?'. You maintained a sense of morality and diginity during one of, if not THE, toughest situations a person can face...

That is who you are.... Who the hell is she?!?

It doesn't actually matter what the IC is saying right now, because on the ride home it'll go through a magical and immaculate transformation into whatever supports her viewpoint the most conveniently.

Feels good to have the action plan validated huh ICO. action is going to be your therapy for the next few weeks. Fortunately for you it's what you just do.

Next step up is her resignation and unconditional no contact. That number who called her today should obviously be blocked in her phone now right?

I'll have to check but I think it was on her work phone. Her desk phone. I doubt it was her cell but I'll verify.

ICAN, your wife left your marriage back when she loved (crushed) over 2 years ago. She thought of herself in her head that she no longer was married to you, thus, it was OK to have sex with him, it was not cheating, she was "emotionally divorced." Just didn't tell you about it.

You became the nice guy who helps keep the house and kids do stuff. Not much different than a roommate. "Emotionally divorced" and "roommate" and "co-parent" and "friend" all are very common in cheaters. There are some websites where cheaters talk to each other openly about how to cheat, how they really feel, etc., not the website here where the purpose is "survivinginfidelity."

So when your wife consummated with her new husband-to-be (that was her some-day wish and plan, and that is still deep in her head wishing it will occur again, like some betrayed spouses here whose cheaters have openly decided to bolt still deep inside still hope the cheater to come back), she became like her husband, loyal to him. If she had sex with you since then, I suspect she just closed her eyes and made believe it was him.

All unremorseful cheating wives always get mad when their lovers get upset. I can't think of one that didn't happen, if you can find one, let me know. I gave you earlier what to say to your wife about exposing after she got mad.

Some of us posters here have seen your cheating wife a hundred times. You think you know your wife more than I do. But you are wrong. You know who your wife used to be more than I do, but I know more about your wife more than you do NOW. She is not the same person. She looks the same, sounds the same, smells the same, but she might as well have had an alien taken over her mind. And you know your wife, but I know her alien.

I have not much advice here for you, I just want to educate you about cheating. You are hurting your advances to stay married. And your wife is not inherently immoral and evil, but you have to treat her like one until she comes around. Maybe she will not come around. She WILL leave you before she comes around back to you. You can see that, I see it now, it was a possibility, but I wasn't sure if she would bolt or not. So you are afraid of that. Fear only will hurt you.

She will bolt, though she may come back. On your current path, she will leave more slowly, but more surely. She convinced that she made a mistake with you. Any changes you make now, she just thinks it's temporary. She sees how many times you get mad and then come back letting her in. She knows she can come back at any time.

She is conflicted. She would have left already if not for that. She does not think herself a cheater, a "good" person who just made a mistake (married you) and then she added on top of that by mistaking to cheat instead of just leave you. Now she doesn't want the reputation, doesn't want to know the family, doesn't want to break up to hurt the kids, and doesn't want to hurt you, her still friend who has been loyal but who let her down as a lover by life getting routine. Main thing, other man has not yet dumped her and told her "no way," but yet again has not immediately told your wife that now she will leave his wife and meet up with yours, which is what your wife thought or at least hoped for that and, if it had, she would have left you behind in a minute, because "she deserves to be happy" (another chestnut cheaters like to say).

You keep talking to your wife and telling us here what she says, like she's with you all her mind and half her heart. WORDS are all meaningless, words can lie, the ACTIONS do not lie. Whatever she says might as well be "blah, blah, blah, blah, blah," UNLESS it is consistent with her ACTIONS. If the words are not consistent with the actions, the words are a lie.

No actions. None, zero, nada. She's probably been talking with other man "non-professional" (sex-love-missing talk) the whole time, just now she is so angry you hurt her future husband and are making her affair more difficult that she couldn't keep it in.

On your side, she has only seen words from you, no actions. I think you get a bad rap in a way though about the co-dependent stuff - you are one of these guys who really will do ANYTHING for the ones they love, it's just that your wife left that a long time ago and you are only starting to catch up a couple of weeks ago. You will get there eventually, too.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 6:48 PM, July 28th (Tuesday)]

Whatever the next move is it can't be more fucking talk. When she comes at you to manipulate you about 1. Her breaking No Contact and 2. To gas light you about messing up her relationship with her boyfriend you just keep things simple:

Understand what you did was right and present it as fact, tell her it was then "I have decided to take you up on you offer to resign. Clearly the No Contact thing isn't working".

You're doing this not to make her quit (well, you are) but to test if she is serious about reconciliation or just blowing smoke up your ass.

Actions not words. Buy some ear plugs, it'll save you a ton of drama over the next few weeks. No "I'll quit after....". The only acceptable answer is "if that's what it takes to even come close to starting to restore your trust in me I'll do it without question or condition. You are more important than a dumb job".

She will not do it, of course

Don't worry ICO...even now when I bust my sociopath WW in her silly lies it's still "my fault" or I am the bad guy. That's just what they do...they become childish defensive teenagers somehow. A week ago my ww's ap called her phone right in front of me and I was the asshole for being pissed. Did you hear that? I was the asshole

Hell she trashes my "bad energy" to AP when they both know that I know they are still fucking. (info via VAR)

Don't you know us BS's are just supposed to roll over and play dead for them. We are just supposed to shut the hell up and eat those shit sandwiches they feed us...and not spoil there fun.

But you are DONE eating shit sandwiches...you are filing...right?

File and then expose her/his work.

OM will toss her under the bus and she will see who he is and who she has become.

Listen to Eric....stop talking to her. She seems to have the ability to break you down with her incessant blabbering. And she is going to either go bat-shit crazy in the next few days...or change tactics and appear to be remorseful to save her own ass. But no matter what she comes at you with remember she F**ked around, not you. She was still in contact this whole time. She is a liar.

Go dark, go cold. Be aloof. Talk only about the kids. See the lawyer, move your funds/assets, have her served. Resist the temptation to engage with her. The more dispassionate you are, the more she will come at you. Narcissist hate it when you do not play tug of war with them.

VAR up! Things might get ugly!

We're here for you, keep talking to us.

Best wishes

ICO,

We are up to over 20 pages now so obviously you have a lot of people rooting for you. I hope to hell when you come back here, if you do, that there is no repeat of the last time when YOU BLINKED , and she intimidated you into doing nothing.

Others have told you, and I concur, you should totally IGNORE what if anything she tells you about her IC. I like the others am sure she will tell you her IC said you were an ass hole for breaking the news to OM wife and that she has a right to be mad at you. If you fall for that or pay any attention to it you are back to square one.

If you learned ANYTHING from yesterday, it should be that she is lying her ass off to you, and that they have a back channel or work channel where there has never been true NC of any kind and the contact has actually been all about how to put you in the dark again and keep the affair going. That is why she was fine with the "in house" separation and space.

Yes you should attempt to let the OBS know they are still plotting for two reasons

(1) you need to let your wife know you are NOT taking any more of her shit and you do not care how mad she gets because she is just showing her true intentions

(2) you need to let OM know you are not going to stop outing him every time you find him in contact with your wife . And I would let him know that when your divorce is final you are not done with him with his HR department

So I guess we will wait and see. Hopefully you will come back and tell us how the appointment with attorney went and NOT that you now believe a fucking word she says. She has shown you EXACTLY where her loyalties are. BELIEVE IT!

At this point, I think I've scared the shit out of her.

She's seen the lengths that I'll go. She's scared about losing her job and her family. She's scared that I will out her on Facebook, to my family, to the rest of her family.

She says that she doesn't know who I am anymore. Fair. She drove me to this.

Maybe now it has sunk in.

Yes I am going to go see a lawyer still. Probably won't be until next week since they were pretty booked last time I tried.

Honestly, last night might have been the best bit of progress we've had.

I have a feeling that their talk did not go too well. She said that she wants nothing to do with that "mess". He's scared that I have a PI on him and that I am out to get him and his job.

Job well done I must say. I'm fairly happy with the outcome. The OBS knows. I wish she would have maintained contact with me, but now that I know it was her, I will respect privacy. She has my information should she want to reach out again.

So before yesterday they might have felt fairly comfortable. Today, not so much.

I'm afraid you are still missing it but glad you are going to attorney still.

She doesn't know who you are anymore . Yup, that s because you threw a monkey wrench in their little plan. And that plan was to fuck your over again . Please re read that !!!

So now she is scared not because you may leave her . Scared for HERSELF . Scared for her job . Scared for her boyfriends job . And scared for you embarrassing her on FB

So now you can be. Nice Plan B until they figure out how to renew their affair .

Interesting none of this happened until she got some consequences but the is no remorse . Scared for herself is not any commitment to you

And if you are smart you will tell her to tell him , (and you are in Disneyland if you think they are not conspiring still in damage control) that you are the craziest mother fucker alive and that if he does not forget your wife exists you can guarantee you will fuck him up at work as sure as he is breathing .

Nothing you have said just now mentions anything other than she does not like the mess you created for her . Nothing about wanting to be with you because she loves you .

You know theremin no NC . You know she resents you spoiling her plan .

If you file for divorce she will have minimum 90 days probably much more to convince you she wants to stay married to you and is willing to meet your requirements and boundaries .

The "mess"'crap will end soon . ThenOM wife will either divorce him or he will bill shit her . Either way he will want to bang your wife again unless you keep the fear of a shitstorm in front of him

[This message edited by nononsense at 7:44 AM, July 29th (Wednesday)]