SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

....... and she has been in contact with him today to plan the fuckathon.

While you're home worrying about this crap and talking to us jackasses....

I'm very saddened by this.

I agree with the statement of her being a paint-by-numbers.

I forgot to mention that she fucked him the week after the 4th of July. So I caught them only 2 or 3 days after they last saw each other.

Being saddened is normal . Putting up with it is a different story.

And it appears their conversation yesterday went just fine . They already have the fuckfest planned

Now the question is other than be sad, what are you going to do because it appears she has gleefully given you the news that we all knew she would with no remorse at all . Guess she told you it may be October to let you suffer a little longer

Dear Human Reesources,

Mrs. Cheater McGee

Put that in a folder. Put divorce papers in another folder. Tell her to pick one right now.

If she's think that she's being punished, then only offer her one folder. And don't make it the resignation one, she'll need that job to support herself.

I hate to spitfire you here with so many posts, but just under 12 hours ago you posted this

Honestly, last night might have been the best bit of progress we've had.

Then first thing in the morning she went back to work to continue her affair.

Still questioning the hard line stance ? :)

I was like you once, which is why I'm so psyched for the progress you're making

I'm slowly coming around. I think if nothing else, I don't feel like I can live like this. Always wondering, always fearful of the next time.

I'm slowly coming around. I think if nothing else, I don't feel like I can live like this. Always wondering, always fearful of the next time.

It can be hard enough with a truly remorseful fWS, who is doing all the right things to heal the M.

Has your wife read "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair"?

...........http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/Mini-Books.html.......

My friend, you are coming around????

She still has no consequences and is calling all the shots.

A few of us told you to expect her all of a sudden to have to go on thie trip that she originally said she would send someone else at. And guess what happened one day after you thought you had put a dent in this thing.

So he has told her that he can smooth his wife over, and/or she is going over there to try to woo him back with a week of fucking.

NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR BOOKS WHILE SHE IS STILL IN THE AFFAIR.

Books are for people who want to reconcile.

MC and books are a total joke right now. Your wife is still involved with this OM.

I suggest you step up the pace of getting it fropm slowly to real fucking fast.

ICO,

Respectfully and without hyperbole:

She forced you into this position by falling in love with and fucking someone else. The way you get out of this is a methodical ACTION plan that 1. keeps you busy 2. makes you feel not-helpless and 3. is absolutely proven to get results.

Don't overthink things. If you have a lawyer appointment you cannot have until next week find another lawyer. If you can't get them today then download them from legalzoom and get real ones later. You just need a physical piece of paper to present to her, along with her resignation.

You did not ask to always be wondering what is arund the next corner, so again, respectfully, I suggest to start defining what is around the next corner. You don't do that with words, you do this with actions. All of these actions will make her feel uncomfortable because until now she's been running the show. She can run a show now, just not your show. You're not that type of man anymore.

I'm also not suggesting that you do this out of malice or vegence, or to be overly cruel. These are just things that you need to do. Again you did not ask for this. Right?

My appointment isn't until August 4th. Not terribly long from now but I certainly wish it was tomorrow.

My plan tonight is to tell her that I cannot do this. She can have the job and access to the kids, but she cannot have the job and me. I thought I could do this, but I cannot.

I'll have to try and figure out how to untangle everything we've got together.

My suggestion is to present it as softly as possible if that's your plan (Which is a great one, you're doing something).

"You offered to leave your position, and clearly with them expecting you to travel and him continuing to call you it's just not going to work out. I'm going to take you up on your offer. I agree that it's for the best"

It's called "saying 'fuck you' with a smile"

If she travels to the UK in Aug/Sept, make sure you call/contact the OBS just after your wife's plane takes off. Try to find her mailing adress so you can sent a personal certified (personal and confidential) letter to OBS (if all other means of communication have been blocked off) warning her that her H's fuck buddy has just left the US and is on her way to a weeklong fuckfest. Make sure all info is ready before W leaves so you can move quickly.

[This message edited by marbou888 at 1:55 PM, July 29th (Wednesday)]

She can have the job and access to the kids, but she cannot have the job and me.

I wish all BS's with a WS having a work-affair would say this. It would make their lives so much easier. A co-worker affair is impossible to overcome so long as both remain in contact (even if they think/pretend it would be "professional, work-only" contact).

That said. I almost always agree w/ Nononsense. In this case, I disagree. The book is only ~90 pages. That book, along with the same author's "What Will You Become?" can snap a WS out of the fog. The "What Will You Become" book is especially designed for the still-fogged WS.

I don't see that book anywhere

I don't see that book anywhere

Scroll down, it is the second book at the bottom of the page:...http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/Mini-Books.html... "Who" will you become, not "What" (my mistake).

Both books are awesome. I credit the first one (How to help your spouse heal...) with saving my marriage.

-------edited to add-------

It might not be a bad idea to have both books ready to give to her when you have this discussion tonight. Really.

(good luck, ICO)

[This message edited by CanoeVA at 2:16 PM, July 29th (Wednesday)]

Please, have a VAR on you running before you tell her that. Record every interaction with her. There's a real danger that she'll try to falsely accuse you of domestic violence in the near future to get the upper hand.

Also, talk to your friends&family, let at least one of them know what's going on.

Before telling her that, make sure you have a safe copy of all the proof she can't access. Change your passwords!

Best of luck

I have to tell you, I also had a WW who "couldn't leave her work." There were meetings, conferences, work trips - all of which aided the affair. And there was no way for me to know or track them.

I finally told her, point blank, "You go on that next trip and everything will be in Hefty bags on the front porch."

There is no question that it put our family in a position of financial risk. There was the chance of her saying, "Too bad." But there comes a time when you recognize that - particularly with work affairs - there is simply no way to protect yourself. Had my wife gone on another work conference I swear I would have lost my mind not knowing what was happening. That was where I put my foot down.

My wife found another way until she was able to leave the job. She made excuses for not showing up to conferences. Our kids suddenly got sick right before she had to travel for work. She spoke to her boss and, under a terrible amount of shame, told him what happened and why she could not be part of a working team. Eventually, she changed her job. She came to the realization that the affair, and her job, were far less important than me and her kids.

Don't make this more difficult than it is. Sit down and spell out your requirements for reconciliation. Her work travel to the UK should be a huge NO-NO... right up there with no contact.

She can say "I have to go." That's her perogative. She can fly there anytime she wants. In fact, you can let her know - "No problem. If you want to go, GO!" That would be a clear sign that she is choosing him, and her work, over you.

There are worse things than getting a divorce. There are worse things than having her choose him. The worst thing is staying in infidelity - a position you are in right now.

Take control. Please!

OM came to US to have sex with her in her own hometown back in October. She said she loved OM as of 10 days ago. She had sex with OM last time in UK about July 6. She admits she broke "no contact" about a day or so ago. She said she started being romantically interested in OM when she was pregnant over two-plus years ago. The affair has been about a year. She has had numerous lies she has told just in the past 10 days. She has at least one girlfriend who confides about the cheating.

She said she would be willing to quit if need be but apparently she has reneged. She said she would not have any "nonprofessional" contact, but she has admitted she reneged. From the start of this and still now she is not sure she wants to stay married. She says she is not "in love" and is not attracted. She got very close to another man online and only ended after being stopped.

HER ACTIONS? Any?

[This message edited by wk55hn at 3:39 PM, July 29th (Wednesday)]

You have just been given one good suggestion.

Your wife can go to her boss and confess what has occurred. Unless she has fucked him in the office or forged her expense report that in itself will probably not get her fired. Affairs happen all the time. What she can do is tell her supervisor that she cannot save her marriage and still interact with this man any more and ask for a different assignement or to send someone else on the trip.

OF COURSE YOUR CHANCES OF HER AGREEING TO DO THAT ARE NON EXISTENT. Why, because that is NOT WHAT SHE WANTS.

ICO, she is not going to divorce you. You know why????

Because she has a boyfriend in UK, and if she divorces you for him, she will see her kids only a few times a year and her family and that is only if he dumps his wife, which is also unlikely.

What she wants is LIMBO!!!! She wants you floundering around like a fish out of water, unalbe to sleep, free reign to talk to him when she wants to and every so often to be able to go fuck his brains out while you try to make sense of it. if that sounds good to you, then do nothing,.

Since she has already told you she has more romantic attraction to him, in a short period of time you will officially become ROOMMATE, and you will be sitting watching TV and she will be talking to him and sexting him from the bedroom upstairs.

the reason that will happen is because you are too petrified to take action. if you read the other threads, you will see the results of those that let a WW do what yours is doing.

MC, IC, is all a stall tactic.

While your guts are spilling out, I am sure she has spent the day making sure she gets on the travel team and I am sure her cheerleader girlfriend who you told her was a no no, is laughing with her all day long on how she has outsmarted you again.

When you go home tonight and tell her the job has to go, she is going to laugh at you, tell you she really wants to work on the marriage, and tell you how sorry she is she has to go on this trip.

At some point, you are going to have to take a stand and not melt when she walks into the room. it is just a matter of how much shit you want to eat before you start throwing some of it back

ICO

Your wife will get a clue real fast when you tell her to have a great trip.

Stop letting your guts fall out.

Start acting like everything is just great.

Then meet with an attorney. Figure out a plan.

Then when the D papers are ready have her served at her office.

Then send an email to Nathan letting him know you are "divorcing" and she is all yours. Copy your wife. Copy her family and friends.

Just let them know the kids stay in the US with you.

Then do not answer one message from her. Do not answer one call from her.

Think about the "thermonuclear" option I just described to you. Is it worse than your wife going to the UK and screwing Nathan for the week?

And in the end your wife says she does not know you just walk her in front of a mirror and tell her this " I am the guy you fell in love with, got married to and had children with. I have never lied to you nor cheated on you.

Look in the mirror at yourself. Because all I see is a stranger. You look like the woman I married and love. But you certainly do not think or act like her. Can you please return my wife that I married?"

Then walk away.

Think long and hard about what you want ICO. Sometimes you have to choose yourself and your children over a lousy spouse.

Maybe you can ask your wife to stay in the UK and not come back. See if she likes that.

What tough love other than informing the OMW have you shown her??? It is all about the consequences.

HM