SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been married for 12 years with two children, 10 and 4. I thought I had an ideal life until I my friend called and informed me that she found my husband's information on Ashley Madison's dump site.

I recognized his email address and picture, as well as his credit card information, which matched one his. In addition, some of his messages were printed which said that he is in a boring marriage. There

I've been devastated all day. I searched for forums and found this one. My husband is due home tomorrow from a business trip, and now I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should just take the kids and leave, or have it out with him, or what. This has totally thrown my life in a tizzy.

DM,

Sorry you find yourself in this situation. Not a happy place to be.

He may have just had an account on AM for fun, or he may have followed through. Neither are good, but one is worse than the other, and you deserve to know the truth. But you won't get that truth from him, most likely.

If he actually had an affair and you confront him with the Ashley Madison reveal, he will go deep, deep, deep with it. So my recommendation is to keep the information to yourself if you can, and to do digging to find out the truth yourself. He probably uses his phone for connecting to AM. Do you have access? Can you get it?

Texting? Facebook? Can you get access?

I'm pre-internet, so others will be along to contribute, but again, I don't recommend putting your cards on the table yet, unless you are sure you don't need the truth.

Strength being sent!

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 10:43 AM, August 19th (Wednesday)]

Gosh, I am so sorry to hear that! Hang in there. Others who have been through your very same story will be here soon to give you some helpful advice to handle your H when he comes homel I am running out the door for work but want you to know you have been heard.

Stick around you have found a wonderful community here that cares! In the meantime read everything you can. Check out the Healing Library, too. Under the BSFAQ link, the 180 is described in number 11. The 180 will be the BEST thing you can do!

I am so very sorry. We all know your pain. You will be ok. You don't have to know what to do right now. I would stay in your home with your children. Keep talking here. In March of 2011 I found an email on my husbands phone from Ashley Madison, that's how I found out he had been cheating. A lot of IC for both of us & hard work & full remorse & transparency and we are very happy. My husband lied, omitted the truth for a long time, it was devastating.

You will get a lot of good advise here, you will be ok.

he may have just had an account on AM for fun,

Um..what? What kind of fun would a married man be having on a website specifically designed for married people to cheat with other married people? Oh..and he has to pay for it as well.

That's not fun...it's cheating. Even if he never met up with anyone..it's still cheating.

Welcome to SI,DevastatedMother. Im so sorry you have to be here.

The best thing you could do is to not confront yet. Gather more evidence. Put a keylogger on his computer at home(not his work computer), and a VAR in his car. If you confront now..he will lie. He will tell you he just signed up to look at the pics..blah..blah..blah. You deserve the truth..and you are going to have to look for it..because cheaters lie.

Many BS's make the mistake of confronting too soon...it gives the cheater time to hide evidence.

In the meantime, you need to be tested for STD's. No more sex until you have confronted and he has been tested. Try to rest...eat..drink. Talk to your friend. And post here.

Again...Im so sorry.

Does he back up his iPhone on his home computer? If you know his password, you can recover deleted text messages from that backup. Brickhouse has a good program for doing so. Another way would be to use a data logger on the home computer if he uses that as his access point.

Sorry your here.

Hold tight. Hold back on confronting until you have more solid information, or you are going to get denials and minimizing. He'll say your friend was lying he didn't know how the site got his name he just went there out of curiosity, looking around, etc. Start with the credit card. Can you access his account on line? If you can, you can go through his statements and see how many payments were made to AM and for how much.

AM has a scam set-up. You can't get in and start looking around without an account, which is free. The catch is, if you want to delete the account you have to pay them money. If there is more than one charge on his card accounts to AM, then he was actively using it.

Next, See if you can get into the e-mail account associated with AM.

Look in the computer history for each browser. Does AM show up repeatedly?

You need to go into full Nancy Drew mode here, and get answers. Hold tight. Don't confront yet. More people will be here soon to help.

You need solid information.

Investigate, observe and record.

They won't stop if you merely suspect.

Get screen shots or take photos of all of that info on the AM dump site, then find a good place to hide them. That way, if that information becomes inaccessible you'll still have it. Also, when it comes time to confront, you'll still have that info and you can compare that with what he tells you.

sorry devastated.

these lecherous husbands are so shameless and so painful to their loving families. i have no idea what is wrong with these WS.

we cannot express how badly we feel for you. we know the pain you are in and how this has just changed your life completely. we have all lived through this and we'll help you get through this mess by him.

tell him, you have to talk and he better start talking, any lies and it's over, over, over. no matter how much it hurts he has to tell you everything. it's the only chance for your marriage to survive, if this isn't a deal breaker for you.

pray, and read "the healing library" of this site under articles and carefully at everything.

please look at the tiled posts at the top of this forum. we know you're shocked and couldn't have imagined anything like this.

please keep posting..you're with friends and we care what happens to you and your children.

Get screen shots or take photos of all of that info on the AM dump site, then find a good place to hide them. That way, if that information becomes inaccessible you'll still have it. Also, when it comes time to confront, you'll still have that info and you can compare that with what he tells you.

Absolutely. Get the evidence NOW so you will have it, no matter what you decide to do.

Sorry you're having to deal with this. There really is NO plausible justification for your husband to have an AM account. NONE.

I am sorry you are here.

Even if you find out AM was awhile ago, it still points to a betrayal of the marriage

Things I have quickly learned in two months

It sounds harsh To a codependent like me, but the key point is at end

The WH has lied to you and kept secrets from you

Ones that he knows would hurt you

Because he knows it's wrong

Yet he still Chose to do so

They have made a CHOICE where there are many possible choices. There are lots of ways to fix what might be a "boring marriage" or "to get attention" or (insert WH initial logic for why they went outside of marriage ). Yet they Made the choice to exclude you.

You are NOT at fault

You did not disrespect your marriage or your spouse to lie and cheat and step outside of the marriage for some excitement rather than

Even if things are not perfect, you did not make that choice

So no matter what happens in next few days or weeks or months or years....

This is a direct result of his choice

You are not at fault

Where would one find this list?

Ugh, so sorry.

As others have said try to investigate to see what other information you can find.

I say try because I know I blew my lid IMMEDIATELY when I received the text meant for the OW. I didn't have the knowledge and wisdom of all the wonderful people on SI yet. So I understand your desire to lash out and confront.

I don't know the site or how the info is displayed but can you verify dates of when he signed up etc.?

Save all information. Look for emails, etc. especially on his phone and work email.

Protect yourself and your children first and figure out as best you can what and who you are dealing with.

So, so sorry.

I'm so sorry, DevastatedMother.

You are not alone. We are here with you, and we are going to help you through this.

Wow, thank you for your replies. I've been so devastated that I can't think straight.

I have not really had any proof until my friend gave me the information. She is the one that downloaded the information, so I don't know the link.

I don't know how to use a keylogger, though maybe my friend might know. However, the information I was given coincides with activities and trips he took earlier. He had joined in 2011, and in 2012 he had three trips that at the time I considered unusual but I never suspected him of anything. The information makes sense. I even know who he met. I don't think I need more proof. My friend indicated that his password was cracked, so all his activities were exposed, and there is a lot.

I don't have access to his personal financial information. We budget three accounts, so his personal accounts I don't have access to. I never had any reason to before.

Right now it's all I can do to go through the activity. But I really want to get away, but I don't want to disrupt my children's upcoming school years (kindergarten and fifth grade).

Ashley Madison has turned my life around. I know it's my husband's fault but I really could just lash out at those who messed with my family. I know I won't really lash out as my kids at least need their mother but I've never felt such rage before.

Sorry just venting. When he comes home tonight I will tell him.

DON'T TIP YOUR HAND JUST YET!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please! All of us regret tipping our hand too soon! I know it's hard, but try to hold it together until you can collect more evidence.

When he comes home tonight I will tell him.

DM, what is your desired outcome in telling him? You own the moment, what do you want to happen?

Print it out, put it somewhere safe, and don't tell him. He will deny. He will tell you he was framed, set up, it was someone else with the same name, that you are imagining things. You will need this proof for yourself and your pwn sanity down the road. He will do his best to spin it and convince you it is not him. He probably already knows his information is on there, and has been formulating a cover story.

DO.NOT.TELL.HIM.

He will delete all his incriminating stuff and deny, deny, deny.

Just be all smiles and act like nothing is up, until you have solid evidence to nail his butt.

Do you have access to his phone and computer? Google M spy

[This message edited by Waiting2Xhale at 12:00 PM, August 19th (Wednesday)]