SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

longtime sucker & k8la - very well said and exactly right.

if W is concerned about anything, it's the unknowns associated with staying in the marriage and not the unknowns associated with divorce.

Foley,

-W

It comes down to a leap of faith. That is why your WW should be working on making a safe place for you to lead.

You are right she is in a damn if you do, damn if you don't. When your M is on the line and you are the one who put it there, you damn do it.

Every journey starts with the first step. You just have to realize you need to take that step. Stop letting fear run you.

W,

I would like to ask you if you are afraid of failing.

You are a doer and a fixer. This time you are not in control of your WW and the most inportant, your self. Are you afraid of not being able to R? will it be a failure in your book?

I know yiu are afaid of being hurt also, but the paralisis I see in you and the way yiu stop yiu ww to try makes me think yiu are fraid if the outcome and that you will be responsable for that. Well you are not. Yiu are forced to make decisions for things you havent been asked in the firts place. Her affair was her fauls and the consequences are on her as well.

Her affair is not your fault and the outcome is not your fault.

In your words, you are being tested but IMO yiu are not focusing on the test main focus, your kids. You need to teach them to be happy, that they can not be a doormat but also to forgive, etc. By hiding yiur pain and anger yiu are avoidung the test but it has a deadline (the impact over your family). IMO the test is to beat yiur anger and pain and yiu can achieve it alone or woth a aprtner, but yiu really need to give your oartner thr oportunity to try.

Other have posted about R and I couldnt agree more but I should add that:

R It is not a must

Some people can but others can not.

You can walk away any time.

Has no guarraties

You dont own her nothing.

Nothing will ever be the same.

You are and her are different persons now and the previous marriage is dead.

One of the must effective thing to R, IMO and experience, is iniciative from WS. From vindicative matters (destroy OM, tell parents and friends owing the affair, etc) to trust and love actions burning all the britges and safe nets (Post nup, being never alone, no more opposite sex friends for a while, etc). You cant ask your ww to run for her life(family, marriage, etc)in the middel of the nigth without ligths or directions.

IMO you should take an hour a day to talk to eachother about feelings of the day.You will be surprisse of the things she has to say and she at least will have some direction.

Affairs change us for ever, I was cheated on 18 years ago and I was able to do it a couple of times but then something she said changed everything and from that moment I was not able to even try. what I kearned is that You will never know until you try.

[This message edited by Mrhealed at 1:59 AM, September 22nd (Tuesday)]

I don't understand how a man can come to this conclusion.

em·pa·thy

the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

Seriously, your lack of empathy for another BH's potential desire to R is your problem. Empathy doesn't mean agreeing, either. It just means understanding.

Possibly against the forum guidelines to do this for real but just as a theoretical exercise I would be willing to bet almost any amount of money that if W is concerned about anything, it's the unknowns associated with staying in the marriage and not the unknowns associated with divorce.

Foley05 - what do you mean "against forum guidelines"?

[This message edited by theDrifter at 12:58 PM, September 22nd (Tuesday)]

Seriously, your lack of empathy for another BH's potential desire to R is your problem. Empathy doesn't mean agreeing, either. It just means understanding.

Precisely - I don't understand it. Given the poor chance that a man will successfully reconcile - especially when he busts her - with his WW I don't understand why he would go through the long, painful process of reconciliation when the chances it will fail are so great.

Foley05 - what do you mean "against forum guidelines"?

What I mean is that using the forum to bet money on the outcome of marital problems is unlikely to be viewed as appropriate use of the site.

To say the least

I don't understand why he would go through the long, painful process of reconciliation when the chances it will fail are so great.

I guess it depends on how much you value something or someone. In my case I value my marriage and my wife, despite what she did. I've been with her for more than a quarter of a century and the majority of my life. It's not "comfortable" or inertia - it's that I value what we have/had, I value her, I value my kids, my family unit, and I value me. If it means a tough road ahead to regain that, I am more than willing to see if that's a possibility for me and I'm not scared off by the hard work ahead, or the prospect of failure. If I were, well, I guess to me that would mean I didn't really value it too much in the first place.

I don't understand why he would go through the long, painful process of reconciliation when the chances it will fail are so great.

I guess it depends on how much you value something or someone. In my case I value my marriage and my wife, despite what she did. I've been with her for more than a quarter of a century and the majority of my life. It's not "comfortable" or inertia - it's that I value what we have/had, I value her, I value my kids, my family unit, and I value me. If it means a tough road ahead to regain that, I am more than willing to see if that's a possibility for me and I'm not scared off by the hard work ahead, or the prospect of failure. If I were, well, I guess to me that would mean I didn't really value it too much in the first place.

Well said.

I guess it depends on how much you value something or someone. In my case I value my marriage and my wife, despite what she did. I've been with her for more than a quarter of a century and the majority of my life. It's not "comfortable" or inertia - it's that I value what we have/had, I value her, I value my kids, my family unit, and I value me. If it means a tough road ahead to regain that, I am more than willing to see if that's a possibility for me and I'm not scared off by the hard work ahead, or the prospect of failure. If I were, well, I guess to me that would mean I didn't really value it too much in the first place.

I believe that if she had shown the same feeling for you and your family as you have avowed, you wouldn't be here....so take your time and make the best decision for all concerned.

Walloped, well articulated response. It is your gut & your gut only. Trust it! Prayers for your family.

W,

Very well said, u are doing great , , and u are getting good advices from people here

k8la wow , u said it all, word of wisdoms,

Thank u dear,

eric1

I didn't say that ws was controlled by devil and didn't have his free will to do the sin. No , but each case is different from another ,

Ok , Mrs. W committed horrible thing , but at the same time , from the beginning she is so remorseful , she realized the huge break she did it to her family ,,, she is dying for a second chance to fix the damage she did it , and no she didn't go free from paying the price for her bad choice , she lost a lot , it is enough that she lost the respect of her husband and daughters

In such case a family need someone like Walloped to survive , someone to come over his own hurt and put the happiness of his family first .

In my case I value my marriage and my wife, despite what she did.

Isn't that reason enough? To try.

I truly believe that some spouses love more than the other. They are stronger and have great conviction for the marriage. For their family.

Sometimes a BS has such strong values that they decide to stay. They make a conscious choice to hold their WS to the same level of commitment to the marriage. They make a conscious choice to hold the WS accountable for their bad decisions by reminding them of their vows, their promises to each other and therefore holding them accountable to the marriage.

They do that because they think their wayward spouse is "worth" it.

This is the leap of faith that some BS decide to make when it comes to Reconciliation.

Don't be shy to tell Mrs W that she has promises that you intend for her to keep.....

HM

Precisely - I don't understand it.

So you have a complete, utter, total lack of empathy for anyone in Walloped's shoes that would even attempt to consider R?

That's kind of ironic in a way, because the ability to feel empathy (without agreeing with their actions) for the WS is fundamental to R. Love the sinner, hate the sin, etc.

So if you have an inability to feel empathy for the BS, you definitely would be unable to feel any empathy for the WS, and of course you would always argue for D.

Value is the key...I so agree with Walloped,

despite not being able to R with my own ww... I can also empathize.

R is something pursued by a B(not because we are doormats or lack self respect) because we value and respect ourselves, families and the people we love. Because we believe its worth the investment to try whether or not we attain the desired outcome. No investment is guaranteed, neither is anything else in life.

You can't be successful if you don't try. We are human and fallible! and taking the easy way out is the road more travelled! Not all of us are fortunate enough to have a remorseful WW willing to do the work, like Walloped's!

This is not a zero sum game for him! It might be easier to forget all those years and say OK, done and dusted, what's next on the list, if there was only yourself to think about. That's not the case here and there is a long history of love and affection. IMHO history should not be discounted or ignored.

So you have a complete, utter, total lack of empathy for anyone in Walloped's shoes that would even attempt to consider R?

That's kind of ironic in a way, because the ability to feel empathy (without agreeing with their actions) for the WS is fundamental to R. Love the sinner, hate the sin, etc.

So if you have an inability to feel empathy for the BS, you definitely would be unable to feel any empathy for the WS, and of course you would always argue for D.

Yes, this is what I'm saying - all of it. And I have no idea why you have to be so snarky about what I'm saying. You don't agree? Fine - that doesn't make you a complete, utter, total misinformed person.

I will always advocate that a BH divorce his WW because my concern is for the BH and his personal recovery. The sooner he leaves and doesn't have to look at her face or hear her voice every day the sooner the triggers begin to fade. The longer he can go without unnecessary contact the more he will emotionally detach from her. These are the key things that lead to emotional recovery for a BH and that's all I care about when I give my advice.

Can a BH emotionally recover while reconciling? Of course. Do I understand that leaving your children and breaking off a relationship with the person you have loved and trusted for years is unbelievably difficult? Yes, of course. But so many men never recover that BH's need to realize the odds are stacked against R.

I think it's best for everyone - the BH, the WW, the kids - that they divorce and start over. And of course this isn't the case of everyone - I'm not saying it is. What I'm saying is that reconciliation is a long, tough, painful road that is very likely to end in divorce or living unhappily married. From that I just do the math.

Walloped,

This is no run of the mill affair. Your wife was IN LOVE with another man and told him that while they were together. She was dating someone else while she is married to you. You are dead from the waist down, this has taken over your life and has sent you and your kids into counseling. Your wife devastated her whole family PERMANENTLY for absolutely NO !@#$%^ reason at all.

What makes her affair even more disturbing is she cheated on a man who she had no major issues with. She did not value you, her kids, her marriage - NOTHING. She destroyed a good life for some ego kibbles and cheap thrills.

Whether you R or D you need to come to grips with the fact that she cheated because it felt good and she thought she could get away with it. You have a long journey ahead.

Let e close by saying this;

WHAT YOU VALUE SHE DOESN'T.

WHAT YOU TREASURE SHE THREW AWAY.

WHAT YOU TREATED AS SACRED SHE TREATED AS PROFANE.

WHAT YOU PROTECTED SHE VIOLATED REPEATEDLY.

Take care of you and your kids first. She is suffering and she has earned her sentence. Every tear, every sleepless night, every panic attack she has earned.

I completely disagree. This was a regular run of the mill affair. There is never a good reason. She thought she loved him, and that made it easier for her to justify it. When the whole thing was blown out of the water it was proven to be nothing more than your average fairytale affair. Nothing special.

I agree with lovehurtz , this is the regular run of any affair, and W is taking care of his family by fixing his wife. Is the family going to be fine if the mother is broken?