SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Do you care about me at all? Did you ever care? I am so tired of being sad. Why? You could have handled all of this even after dday, differently. I would have thought you would have. But, I don't know you anyway.

You're out of town, and I feel like all I've done is yell at the kids for 3 days. Now here I am, not calling you. My reflex is to grab the phone and call or text you goodnight. The not calling is giving me anxiety. And DD is behind in school. Teacher keeps sending emails. And I blame you. I've been doing this on my own for 5 weeks. You've had them 2 days in 5 weeks. I'm running on empty. I can't keep up. Everything you are doing is more important than the kids and me. Yes I'm being dramatic, but fucking help me out already. Chip the fuck in.

I can see you out tonight, charming your way into another girl's pants. I actually despise you right now.

You brought our daughter home smelling like perfume. Is that hers? How could you? How could you do this to me?

I want to hit you. I want to throw every damn picture in this house of us. I want you gone. Out of my life forever. I want to stop hurting.

How could you?

My first post here. Wish I'd found this place long ago! My exWH doesn't talk to our kids (19 and 27) and son #2 is just now dealing with feelings from Divorce (2 yrs ago). Asked ex if he would help him, he sent me a note about how it's my fault they don't talk to him. BUT if I drop my court action for non-payment he'd think about reaching out to him. Typed out but didn't send this:

Don't call my court action frivolous. $3500+ is not a frivolous amount. I also had to pay an attorney because you are not paying for half of college as our agreement says. Stop blaming me for things you bring about.

You don't pay for half of college expenses, and you go months at a time without sending a check. I need to know what is considered a college expense and how often you need to repay me for the money I've fronted for DS.

The court will have to clarify since you choose not to.

The notion that I have to drop this and repay you is ridiculous; that you would make that a 'requirement' to help DS through a particularly hard time is disgusting.

I did not ruin your relationship with DSs. DS1 was ready to call you on Father's Day and then AP/new wife copied him on an email critical of him and blew that up. I know how important it is for them to resolve their issues with you. I watched you not deal with the same issues with your own dad. I know that his actions led to you doing the same to your family. I do not want that for them.

They can fix themselves with or without you I suppose. Why you won't do anything necessary to work on it is beyond me. That a grown man would pull the "I called him last" card makes me think you are incapable of admitting fault in anything. Honesty is needed to fix this.

It's so selfish of you to be willing to pay for things for HER but don't want to accept responsibility for me. You cry whine complain about never having enough money but then you are WASTING on your AFFAIR PARTNER!!!!!!! Idiot. It's time to grow up. You made your bed. Now lie in it.

Just because the parenting plan WORKED and revoked your unsupervised time with them when you drove drunk with them doesn't mean that riding around in an Uber with them constitutes supervised parenting. What, the axe body spray in the Uber will surround and protect them like the blood of Jesus? We're not subject to the vicissitudes of your wankery, you monomaniacal troll-porking dumpsterfire.

My life is so much better now that I don't have to worry which woman you are cheating on me with at the moment. You are a toxic piece of shit. And you are exactly like your mother and her father before her. The difference is that I will not allow my son to be pulled into your unstable life. I will be there for our kids, as I always have and they will see what a good, supportive and loving mom they have. And by the way you are NOT a good person. Good people are honorable, upstanding men with faith and morals. You really are the most disgusting person that I know. And I truly can't stand the sight of you.

Guess who contacted me? My Ex Boyfriend. He said he would "love to meet" and catch up. You want to know what else, he is better looking, makes more money, HONEST and was more fun. You know I was deeply in love with this man. Did I mention he was HONEST??

It almost seems like a lie (too good to be true), but its really not. Anyway, I will hopefully meet up with him soon and I cant wait to give him a hug.

A wise woman once said "Fuck this Shit" and lived happily ever after.

[This message edited by CaliforniaNative at 11:24 PM, October 24th (Tuesday)]

You've demonstrated that you care more about your self-deluding narrative of absolution than you do about your own child's emotional health. You do that by telling our child what you did was really a cry for help and that I am the evil one for abandoning you. You "counsel" our child on her relationship with me in toxic and harmful ways. I do not retaliate because I love our child more than I am angry at you, and because I don't need to run away from what I've done.

I once loved you, but the hideous monster you have become I can have no contact with.

I will fulfill my obligations to our child, legal, discretionary, emotional and other ways ON MY TERMS. I have paid you hundreds of thousands of dollars, yet you still demand monies above and beyond our settlement. You wish to make all the decisions regarding our child and then send me a bill, even though I have previously told you I would not pay you for extra-legal expenses after the fact.

Our child is legally an adult, so I will conduct all business directly with them.

Interactions with you are unnecessary and downright destructive. I had hoped to have a more-than-civil post-divorce relationship with you, but you've shown me your narcissistic focus on yourself at my expense is incurable.

I'm out.

Your father died.

He died being disappointed in you.

Because of the affair which destroyed your family and his.

Because you got fired from your job of 25 years. He used to be so proud of you for all you successes.

At his funeral 300 of his family and friends saw that your three adult children are estranged from you and they know why.

They were all very kind to me and many told me how much I meant to your father.

Your aunt told me she thought you were stupid.

Your cousins told me that I did a great job raising the kids. They know you were rarely around, choosing to be at work instead.

You certainly noticed that in the obituary I was still called his daughter in law.

I am still family and your shitty choices will never change that.

So, you are getting married again you POS!

Took you a long time to tell the kids, huh? You are such a coward.

Why don't you stay in touch and call the kids more often? It's all empty promises with you. You did it with me, now your doing it with the kids.

What did you tell the kids about your new wife ? "I want you to respect her!"

Ha, you talk about respect!?

You're such a failure as a dad. The kids havent seen you in over 2 years!!! You make no effort to see them, only come up with excuses.

I guess it's more important to take your new on a cruise and

I wasn't done...

I guess it's more important to take your new one on a cruise and plan weekend trips then seeing your kids.

Shame on you! But guess what, the kids have finally figured out who you are.

You don't have to fake it no more.

I cannot believe you've asked to be friends. What friend would treat me like you have? I fucking hate you for what you've done and who you are. You are weak and vain and will end up sad and alone. I am worth more and I hav friends real friends that love me. Enjoy your fantasy. Could you not even try to make contact with our kids they are the good thing that has come out of this shitty relationship.

I'm torn between considering you dead...and inviting you to eat dinner with the kids and me. Meatloaf. Your fave. What the fuck is wrong with me.

Is it me? Am I the disordered one? Am I just lonely? I hate you so much. What am I doing?

It's so hard not to talk to you. You've been my best friend for 14 years and you throw is all away for some woman 2000 miles away. And you told me you did it because you were lonely. I was working. I would have done anything for you! When you finally told me you were lonely, what did I do? I changed my schedule to spend more time with you. The whole time you were having an EA!

I'm sorry your dad died when you were a child. I'm sorry you never learned how to be emotionally mature. I'm sorry your choices have caused so much pain. And I hope you miss me. I want to ask you that: do you miss me? Do you miss our life? Do you miss our home? Do you feel bad for hurting me?

Do you know what's really sad? You have such a fragile sense of self. And you're simply running away from your discomfort. Like always. Run away like a child. Of course your AP would be so much younger then you. Of course she would be an immmature cheater herself. She boosts your ego, but what will you do when she gets tired of that and you? What will you do when she goes back to her husband? You'll be alone! Sad and alone.

And you know what is the worst part of all of this? I stil miss you. I miss waking up to you. I miss having coffee with you. I miss telling you about my day. I miss hearing about yours. I miss the way you held me. I miss so much about you. I want to know if you are ok. But I'll heal and be better. I deserve better. I'll be happy. And unless you figure out what's going on with you, you'll continue to be broken and alone.

I'm hopeful and it feels great and even better is even if I don't feel it, I still know it.

My future is hope-full and bright.

No matter what faces me I am on the other side of adultery and looking forward. Never seemed possible in the dark of the night when tears fell and nothigness overcame.

It was 2 years ago I phoned the NSPH in a desperate attempt to off load some pain and gain some understanding.

It helped but I knew what I did and it was bad.

The dark came back a year ago when the mixture could have done permanent damage and I didn't even care. I just wanted an escape and an end to the darkness, pain, lonliness.

Ever thankful and grateful there was no damage of any kind I now know I can help people who face that bleak, nothigness, and no one matters feeling.

I am a prodigal returned - I am in the palm of my creators hand - He knows the number of hairs on my head and keeps my tears in a bottle - he has given me the gift of adultery so that I might demonstrate His compassion, hope and love in the most dire and tragic and hopeless of situations; and to bring comfort to families impacted by what I have done for whatever level of my role they might receive.

I am hopeful and have lots of reason to be.

Edited to add - several days later, today, I remember the pattern of 2014 too - so that is 3 years of very definite acting out behavior. This year - no. None. Gone. TYJ.

[This message edited by gonnabegr8 at 8:34 AM, November 7th (Tuesday)]

I don't want you back anymore. Do you know how good that feels? I mean, it's a mixture because I don't just throw people away like you and your dad and his dad (remember them?...)...... Anyway. But I am seeing how this is all so very ugly. See, you cheated on me many times. And you refused to do the work to R. And you kept trolling other women even with promises not to. And then you finally found this little piece #OW that you're with now. AND left me. Left me hanging. Waiting. While you took time to "think". And then she finally agreed to make your "relationship" public. Then suddenly you were able to tell me you had decided to D "after much thinking". But you didn't tell me about her of course, so I was supposed to believe you had really been "thinking". Another lie (shocking isn't it).

And now here I am. Finally seeing who you really are now. A liar. A cheater. Oh. And just like your grandpa. Only worse. Can you see it yet? No, I'm sure not.

Thank you!! Thank you!! Thank you, WH for showing me YET AGAIN who you are and knocking my ass off the fence it keeps trying to creep back up!!!

And you told your new "special, different, girlfriend" that I was neglectful, and therefore abusive. But you did NOT tell her that you cheated with DOZENS of women, starting BEFORE we were married. Ashley fucking Madison included!! Premeditated cheating. Premeditated abuse. Nope, you left that part out. Because she might not fuck you if she knew who you really are. Yes...are. present tense.

You selfish, narcissistic pig. If anything, you'll tell her you "slipped and had an affair.". Why not tell her the truth? You cannot even face what you did...and you want ME to FORGIVE you.

Stay far far far away from me. Please.

And she better NEVER let a text from you go unanswered for more than 6 minutes...or you'll be running down your list of other women to call.

Oh this poor poor woman.

And your idea of making me feel good is telling me you could have fucked any number of women tonight, but you reached out to ME instead. We'll be still my heart. Who's the lucky girl???? Damn, it's me!!

Oh, your poor new chick. She has noooooo idea. I'll pray for her. Maybe.

Lets drop it. Both of us too angry. Let's stay away from each other for a bit. I'm not meeting your needs. Your "group of girlfriends" (as you called them) can take over that shift.

One thing, you want me to forgive you, but you can't even face what you've done. You didn't tell [new GF] before you fucked her...because she may not have fucked you if she knew. Once again, (Mr Bleep) and his magical dick come first.

You don't see that. But because "boys will be boys" and all your work friends do it, it's OK. You'll never have the true intimacy you say you seek, if you continue to lie and minimize. Your whole relationship with her is based on a lie. I'm flabbergasted you don't see that.

^^^^Holy crap that was close. Had this in an outgoing text bubble and copied and pasted here instead.

I'm done smashing my head against the wall. Detaching again. Stat. Warp speed.