Although this experience is beyond words, you've done an admirable job describing the depth of your emotions. Having been through a double betrayal myself, your words resonate with me and I know the incredible pain you are currently in.
While being betrayed is horrendous, a double betrayal is exponentially worse. You will find others who know exactly what you've experienced on the Double Betrayal thread in the "I Can Relate" forum (http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?fid=14). As you can see from the responses on this thread, everyone desires to help, but each can have their own experiences and opinions. Take what is helpful to you and ignore the rest.
To say that this has been the most harrowing, gut-wrenching, shattering, soul crushing experience for me since the death of my father 16 years ago would still be an understatement.
You know deep, immeasurable sorrow from past experience and have traveled through the stages of grief (google it) before, so you will have something to draw from. You can appreciate the fact that this takes time, that emotions will be unpredictable for some time to come, that you should be patient with yourself and that you will survive this. Right now, you are likely still in the stage of shock and denial. It is part of the body's mechanism to avoid being overwhelmed and, especially after a double betrayal, there is much to be overwhelmed by. That is why you feel lost and why you struggle to know what is right/wrong. It is ok to feel this way right now.
I suspect that some of the comments and advice you have received already are very overwhelming. Please skip them for now. You can come back weeks or months later when you are ready. There will be a time when they can be helpful.
There are only three choices here; 1) I walk away now without trying anything further. 2) I walk away some time from now, having tried and failed 3) rebuild this successfully having tried and succeeded.
I think it is important to recognize that you've been through a MAJOR trauma. If it was a physical injury, you'd be in ICU right now. It is difficult to make a decision at the moment, so allow some time until you feel ready to do so. Only you will know when that is, but, as a starting point, some counselors recommend not making any major decision for 6-12 months.
As part of the trauma, you'll also need to know that you will heal given time, but there will always be scars from the wound. Regardless of what you choose to do with your marriage, you won't be the same and the only path is through the pain. It sucks. It is a new reality moving forward. While losing a father is immensely difficult and draining, this is multiple times harder. That all being said, having the assistance of a good IC (individual counselor) can be very beneficial in the healing process. I'd recommend one who has experience in infidelity and, possibly, EMDR as well (EMDR being a treatment for PTSD -- something that is possible you will have given what you've been through).
One more thing. This level of trauma can have physical effects -- sleeplessness, loss of appetite, acid reflux, anxiety attacks, depression, etc. If you are having a problem in any area, get help from a doctor sooner rather than later.
Please primarily focus on your own healing and needs right now. I'll offer a few things up that may help:
- Your wife will read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. You'll want to read it too.
- You get to decide what to do about the house and its furnishings. If you need to get rid of some pieces of furniture, do so. If the whole house is unbearable, sell it. If the location/town is a problem because of the proximity to the OM, move. Do whatever you need to do to heal.
- Find an IC for yourself. You may have to "shop" around because there are excellent, average and poor ones out there. Find one who really helps you to heal.
In terms of trying to decide about your marriage, the only thing you need to know about right now is that the affair is truly and totally over. If it isn't or if you discover additional contact/communication, then you need to take immediate action. Otherwise, you can allow yourself and your wife some time to sort out what the next steps for your relationship will be. A hard and fast requirement for your wife is that there will be absolutely no contact between her and the OM. The other requirement is that she get an IC. She needs to dig deeply to find her "Why?"
She says that she did it for the thrill and excitement of something new and different, which she hasn't felt in years. She says that she was intoxicated by the fact that someone else wanted her that way other than me, it gave her validation and assurance, especially since she's getting older (she is 37); and that felt really good to be able to see that she can still be attractive to someone.
This "Why?" is only surface level. Why did she need the thrill? Why was she chasing validation? Why did she believe that it was ok to betray you in order to get these things? She needs to do a lot more work if she is going to prove that she is worth reconciling with.
Keep posting TheRedBaron. Come here to vent, let out the pain or to seek input. You have many here who will encourage, support and stand alongside of you.
[This message edited by Crushed7 at 11:26 AM, December 22nd (Tuesday)]