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So here's my story; "d-day" was last Thursday, 7 days ago, w/e the date was, I've stopped paying attention. My wife was in the shower getting ready for work and I checked her phone bc I was having an uneasy feeling in my gut. I noticed a large number next to the deleted photos, so checked it out. BOOM. Saw all these pictures of this guy I've never seen before... Who the hell is this?? They were all selfies too... Kept scrolling... There it was, the "dick pic". I was devasted... Kept scrolling, I saw panty shots that my wife had taken, and knew that they had been sexting.. Wanted to wait till she was home from work to confront (so we actually had time to talk). She knew something was up though, and kept pressing me, finally had to do it while she was at work. I asked her whose penis that was, & why it was on her phone, she said it "wasn't for her" & that it wasn't what I thought it was... I kept pressing. Then she admits it was from a coworker, & he sent it as a joke, and that that was all. Asked her about the panty shots, and she denied that they were even on there. All day. Even when she got home she kept denying it until I snatched the phone and showed them to her. She was irate, started flipping out, and then admitted that she'd been sexting with the guy. But that that was it, & she still loves me, that it was stupid & that she'd do w/e it took to make it work. I love her so wanted to try. Said she'd have to quit that job (it was her side job), she texted the boss, done. Said we'd have to start going to church again, went that weekend. Said we'd need marriage counseling, we went to our 1st session a few days later (I had to set it up).and the most important condition, end it with him now! She said she couldn't do it that night, & that I couldn't make her, that she'd do it at work tomorrow. She sent me a cropped screenshot of what she sent (so I couldn't see the name), and then 3 hrs later a cropped screenshot of his alleged response, which seemed very scripted. Told me that she blocked the number & it was over. I thought ok, this will be really hard but she's my wife (3.5 married yrs 9.5 together total). So there's nothing I wouldn't do for her. She told me he approached her at work and got her #, (I had a major problem with her even giving it out to another man), then she said they just started chatting and it escalated to sexting. Said he asked when he could "see it in person", and said she got scared so just told him " I dunno". She said that was the end of it. & that it was only texts, she swore, no phone calls & nothing physical, that his # was now blocked & that they never saw each other. I was already crazy at this point, not sleeping, couldn't eat, crying all the time etc, felt like l was dying. And the whole time, she wouldn't tell me HIS name, bc he was married too! Like she was more concerned about protecting HIS marriage, & didn't even care about ours. So yesterday I realized I should check the phone bills. Found his number in an instant. Punched it into Facebook, boom, matched this guys name & face to the pics on her phone. Checked her "blocked list", she never blocked him. Then it got worse, I've had to travel recently for work, so I looked at the dates when I was gone. Sure enough, their texting would pick up the day before I'd leave, and then, the nights I was gone, there would be these late night phone calls. And not even like a long chat, like 4 calls for only a few mins apiece, as if giving one directions... I found it on 3-4 separate occasions! One night I even called her, she didn't answer & texted me next morning saying it was bc she was asleep, phone bill shows she was on the phone with him! That was all I needed. I knew it was over then, & that I was done trying to make it work. Now she knows I'm not going to work things out with her, asked her to leave. It breaks my heart, bc crazy enough, I honestly do still love her! But I know we could never make this marriage work again. I feel like I'm giving up on her though... Am I doing the right thing??

You're not giving up on her. She's giving up on you by continuing to lie, likely carry on the affair (why else would she not give you his name?) and not be remorseful. You did nothing at all wrong.

Have you compared notes with her boyfriend's wife?

No, I don't think you are doing the wrong thing. Better now before kids and other complications occur. You have to do what is best for you. It is a deal breaker for some and there is no fixing it.

I would assume this was actually more than sexting. It is likely they were getting together physically while you were out of town and possibly at work or before/after work. The screen shots of the breakup texts could be her messaging to a fabricated google voice account where she could then message back to her phone number the scripted reply. Assume they are still communicating and are seeing each other.

Are you doing the right thing? No one here can answer that for you. I'm terribly sorry you've had to find us here on SI, but welcome to the greatest club no one ever wanted to join.

Brother, I'm sure by now you realize you're in a tremendous state of shock. That's going to take a while to start wearing off. In the meantime, you're in for a world of hurt. I wish had some powerful insight to help you out. The emotions and thoughts, the ups and downs, we refer to it as the rollercoaster and it's pure craziness. Don't be too alarmed, though. I've been there, done that. It's natural.

I highly recommend that you take some time and start reading in "The Healing Library." You'll find it in the upper-left hand corner of this page in the yellow shaded area. Inside there's an "Articles" tab. Read whatever grabs your attention, Print those articles out and read them several times.

Most likely your WW (wayward wife) is in "survival mode" and is desperately trying to avoid facing what she's done head on. My wife also lied about knowing the OM's last name and where he worked. She lied, pure and simple, because she was afraid of the consequences she would have to face when and if I discovered who the OM is and then what I did afterwards (which was tell his wife everything I knew).

You don't have to decide if you want to get a D any time soon. If you're even remotely interest in reconciling your marriage, then give yourself and your WW a few months to the let the dust settle and see what's left of the marriage. That's no reason not to set up an appointment with a lawyer as soon as possible, find out your rights and best moves and get the ball rolling. You can always stop the process--most states have waiting periods--at any time. It's best to find these things out sooner, I think.

In the meantime, try to take care of yourself. Eat when you can--I lost 30lbs in three months. Drink lots of water. Get some sleep. Start exercising again. Take care of yourself first and foremost.

And keep posting, man. There's incredible insight and wisdom here and it very well may blow you away, save your sanity (as it did mine) and help you to make the decisions you're surely going to be making soon enough.

Good luck!

Damn. I think your right to leave. This is on her.

C

[This message edited by Curious9 at 8:02 PM, January 14th (Thursday)]

Sorry this happened to you! You are only a week from DDay! That's not much time to process everything. I think you are making a good decision at this point. It's always possible to change your mind later on, if and only if you see some real remorse from her and she puts in a ton of work to make herself a better person.

The other man is married, so tell his wife. She deserves to know. Should be easy if she is on Facebook.

There are no right or wrong answers this early on in your story.

Cheaters only admit to what they absolutely have to.

I also agree that this most likely a physical relationship. You know she was/is lying.

It is brutal to see someone else's "junk" on your spouses phone, isn't it? I still have OW's lavender panties emblazoned in my mind in addition to how she shaves her bikini line.

Read up on the 180, my friend. Implement. (Healing library - top left, yellow box) it seems you already know what you want to do. If it were me and I was that early in the relationship yet, I'd be out.

Welcome to SI. Keep posting. We are here to help.

You asked if you are doing the right thing. There is no single right way. If you are done, you certainly have the right to be. If there's one good reason for divorce that most of the world agrees on, you have it.

But it is also ok if you decide you'd like to attempt R.

What is her response to your knowing? Is she still lying, hiding stuff, continuing the affair? Or is she remorseful, giving you the information you ask for, trying you regain trust? If she isn't, R won't be possible. But it is early. Things could turn around if you both decide to do the work.

If you decide you are done, what do you need from her to move forward with a happy life?

Wow thank you all for such prompt responses! It really is a blessing to have this place for the support. I think AbcWife said it best, I mean I always suspected it got physical, in my personal opinion (I know it's not AWAYS true) but most of the time if 2 people are 'sexting' it's bc they want it to lead to sex. So yeah, I'm fairly sure, they were together those nights when I was out of town. I mean if you've been sexting someone for months, then the husband leaves town and they start calling each other late that night... well it isn't to exchange recipes..

I did talk to an attorney today, bc knowing what I knew, & that she had lied EVERY step of the way, and only admitted to things when I had to shove the evidence in her face, that I didn't think I could ever trust her again. & I know that trust is the foundation of a marriage.

Yes, thankfully we had not had kids yet, although we were close & did talk about it! Attorney said it's likely a 50/50 split with no alimony. I can live with that. At least by myself I'll know no one is lying to me!

Oh & I do plan to tell the wife of that OM. But attorney advised me I might want to hold off until after we get through this, said the more civil we can keep things between us, the better/quicker it will go. But yeah, as a person, I've got to tell her what happened. That really freaks my wife out too, that it's going to ruin HIS marriage, that bothers me. But w/e, not going to be my problem in the future.

When the initial bomb dropped, & I was still in shock, wanting to believe her lies, I was willing to work on the R. Now that I see more of the whole picture, that's not even a possibility to me.

Personaly i think you are doing the right thing. Split 50/50, Have her served and move on... dont fall for her false remorse, if she was willing to R. she would've gone head over heals to stay with you, but her actions show otherwise.

No kids? well then you have been loosing time.

You will have 2 opinions here, one to stay calm, dont rush in a D. and give her time to wake-up... many of those are OP in R. Other's will tell you to save your mental health and move on... one of them is me!

I have 2 kids and my D. is around the corner.... no more triggers, sleepless night's or mental disorders! Life is getting better day by day.

50/50 and no mercy.

What did your wife say when you told her you were done and you are divorcing her?

Whenever she'd get mad she'd just say, "I'll just leave then". & like a sucker, I used to always stop her. But yesterday, when she tried to pull that I just said "yeah, you should go" & told her that I didn't think I could ever make this work again bc I'd never trust her. It's like it finally hit home for her, that this was REALLY happening. That it was finally REAL. She finally started bawling her eyes out (like I had been all week), she kept asking me if I was sure that's what I wanted, and that she thought we could still make it work. Kept saying "she'd leave if I was making her", like she hadn't been threatening to leave on her own. It was hard, but I stood firm. I did feel bad (like I was giving up on her) & that's when I started posting here. But even though I still love her, I know the marriage would never work. So I'm at peace with the decision. Honestly, after everything that happened I don't feel like I had any other choice.

I bought our home while we were just dating, so I get to keep it. I told her she needs to start looking for her new place. Slept in separate rooms last night.

I've got to tell her what happened. That really freaks my wife out too, that it's going to ruin HIS marriage, that bothers me.

What THEY did may ruin his marriage, but telling the OBS is the right thing to do. What THEY did it on them, not on you. The OBS deserves to know the truth. Don't be an accomplice to their lies and deceit. Since you are most likely going to D, the lawyer is probably right about waiting until your D is final, just to make your process smoother.

Remember, conscious decisions have consequences. Cheat, lie, gaslight, withhold the truth, then get divorced, if you so choose.

I personally don't agree with waiting to tell, particularly since your wife's lover could be closing his wife to STDs. But if you do wait then use this time wisely and assemble every single piece of information and hand deliver it to get when its time in both physical and electronic format

upsidedown1

You are doing the right thing.

Did she admit that the A was Physical? Maybe she is still in denial, trying to make you believe that nothing happened. As you said, this is BS. If she hasn’t means that she is not ready to own her A and there is nothing to do to R.

Is she working? For D matter it counts as you may be forced to pay alimonies.

If she is still working at the same place, don’t forget to let HHRR know about OM, the thing is that they probably used company resources and time to their meetings.

You need to be very careful, as you now know, she is not person you married and this new person is capable of many things the person you married not.

Carry on yourself a VAR or at least record all your conversations. She may try to get a RO based on false DV.

Do 180, this is not to get her back; this is for you to detach. Part of it is reducing communication to D matters at this point.

You are doing the right thing.

Oh my God this really IS a roller coaster. Now back to remembering how much I loved/love her & feeling terrible about ending it. I know people deserve second chances in life. Part of me now feels like I've been too harsh / not forgiving enough to this person who has been my wife/best friend/lover for 10 yrs. but then I keep asking myself, I know she is sorry, but even IF I forgave her, which I think I could do, how could I ever trust her? (Don't think I could do)

upsidedown1, you're doing the right thing.

I hate to be cliche', but things she is saying are right out of "cheater's handbook 101".

You DID give her a chance. And she screwed that up by staying in contact w/ OM.

No kids? Get her out of the house. She has consequences to face, from her own actions, not of your doing.

It sucks. And yeah, you'll have that roller coaster. I'm usually a "reconcile" advocate, but I don't think your WW is a healthy one for you to have.

You can't reconcile with an unremorseful WW who is continuing the A underground. (i tried). She is doing the exact same thing all WW's do (mind did the same thing).

Read up on the 180, kick her out, go no contact, and let her see what it feels like not to have you in her life.

For some, an A is a dealbreaker...

[This message edited by Nighthawk999 at 10:49 AM, January 15th (Friday)]

Maybe that is my problem? I mean she's still here, and even though we slept in separate beds last night, this morning she called in sick to work, and came to my spare bedroom & had ourselves a crying session, reminiscing on all the good times we had, & how hard this is going to be.