SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It has been 1 week since I found out she was with somone else. I still cannot sleep. If I fall asleep, I wake up like its a bad dream. Starting to sink in the reality of what was done, and how its over. I know it's going to be an long haul, but its killing me. Trying to work on myself and keep myself distracted. Not easy.

Hi nohope16, welcome to SI. I'm sorry you're here but you will find great support from everyone here. Please only take what is helpful and discard the rest.

Distracting yourself is the best thing to do. Take care of yourself, drink plenty of water, eat small meals and just know it does get easier.

What are your plans for the marriage? Is she remorseful? What is she doing to help you?

We're here for you. Best of luck and just know you're not alone.

Sorry you are here. We have all been exactly where you are...it will get better.

No remorse. Admited once in arguement. I have proof. Now saying they ate only friends. Wants a divorce, but wants to stay in house till we can sell.

Try and keep yourself healthy. You will need it to work through this. Don’t make any important decisions now because you’re in shock.

You have had a great loss and in time will experience the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

Around 40 seems to be a vulnerable time of life. You will be getting a lot of advice. The more you tell us about the situation the more we can help.

I also found out last week that my husband was having an affair for a year. This is the most difficult thing I have ever faced. The symptoms you are experiencing are typical. I hate it that you have to be here. None of wants to be here, but there is much support. It helps to vent, to share. My WH and I are also in our 40s with young children. Please try to take care of yourself. I have found exercise to be very helpful to me.

Do you have kids?

2 kids

6 and 11

No remorse. Admitted once in argument. I have proof. Now saying they ate only friends. Wants a divorce, but wants to stay in house till we can sell.

How good is your proof? Never reveal all you know or how you got it. If you reveal all of it she will make up a story that fits and no more. If you tell how you got it then that method dries up. Let her assume that friends saw her or that you hired a PI.

She is now saying that they are only friends because she wants to save her reputation and not be the bad guy. If she plans a future with the other man (OM) then it would be awkward if he was the reason that the marriage ended. Ideally she wants a divorce because you two drifted apart and then she can meet the nice OM who had nothing to do with the divorce.

Do you want a divorce? If you do then move full speed ahead with the divorce. She will give you better terms if she’s obsessed with beginning her new life with the OM.

If you don’t want a divorce then expose the affair. Is the OM married? If so tell his wife. Have your evidence ready to show her. Don’t tell your wife that you’re going to do it. She will tell the OM and he will tell his wife that some crazy man is going to contact her.

Either way tell your wife she is welcome to the OM and offer to pack her bags. Begging your wife to stay is very unattractive to any woman. The OM probably just wanted sex and doesn’t want to deal with her kids. If she finds that out she will cry and love you so much after all.

She wants to stay in the house until she’s sure that the OM works out. If he doesn’t she still has you (plan B). She’s like a monkey swinging through the trees. She doesn’t want to let go of the old branch until she’s sure the new branch will support her weight.

[This message edited by Graywolf at 4:04 PM, March 4th (Friday)]

Thanks for the gym message.

Was thinking it might be a good idea to join to help get out all these bottled feelings. May just do that.

I showed my cards, thats when the lies got worse.

I actually told her to move in with him, that's when she said we need to sell house first.

She said he's divorced and he has his own kid.

She told me to get her papers and she'll sign,I don't beleive Her. He is coaching her from what I can tell.

Trying to reconcile with a woman like your WW is a total waste of time and emotional energy. Divorce her ASAP. You don't have to live with their mother to be a great father for your kids.

Legally you probably can't kick her out but she probably doesn't know that so tell her to hit the bricks. Don't have any contact with her unless it is absolutely necessary. You begin to heal when you don't have to look at her face or hear her voice every day. Be strong - good luck.

The one thing that I just cast grasp is my world revoled around her. She is the love of my life,how could she just do this like it was no big deal...

Hey there bud.

Let me first start off by saying I'm sorry you're in this mess to begin with. The shock and devastation associated with what you're going through, is nothing compared to the betrayal of it all.

Now I'm not exactly a veteran to this site. Hell, I can't even PM yet.

But what I can do, is tell you that despite your user name,there is hope.

I'm sure you're going through a whirlwind of emotions right now. Constantly running scenarios in your head.

Let me tell you, this is not where you want to be right now. Whether you want to admit it or not you've just suffered some serious trama brother. So what you need, is some time to focus on yourself.

Right now, the most important things in your life are your children, and your own well being. As difficult as it may be to acknowledge, your well being has to be your first priority.

When you married your wife, you became a team, and now that it has been clear that your marriage is over, you'll need to get back into single mindset.

You're no longer married to this woman already, despite what legal documents say. Because I'm sure you're not the type to be married to such a cold and heartless person.

The best, and probably the fastest way to not only recover from this, is to DETACH.

Even if your goal is to reconcile, this is still the best option. Because the woman you married is gone and now it's quite evident you didn't know who she truly was at all. Despite the nagging memories that will argue differently.

Do what's best for yourself. Yes, the Gym is a great idea, but only because for one it's a physically exhausting exercise that will not only help you sleep but also help produce endorphins which are crucial in these trying times.

However, the Gym isn't the only option.

Running, spending time doing things with your children, with friends, or even just a hobby you've put off for a while.

When you get those thoughts, and you know which ones I'm talking about.. The ones that hit home the most and feel like problems you just couldn't solve? Just remember you've done your best and never once deserved the betrayal this person has caused you.

You wouldn't tolerate such actions from friends, or family members right?

I'm sure you've met your fair share of liars and manipulative people in your life.

As hard as it is to face you'll need to think of her as one. If your goal is reconciliation, then that still remains the constant.

You deserve to treat her as such. You deserve time to grieve your loss of trust and you marriage, and if she asks why you're being indifferent then rightly say so.

But don't fool yourself man. The only way to save this love, is to forge a new one entirely. One where the premise is her making up for lack of trust, lies, and infidelity.

From your short posts, direct measages, and forthcoming attitude, I can tell you don't BS. Which is why I wanna lay it on the line:

Who were you before you met her?

Do you think this younger you would condone what she's done? Or kick your own ass for taking so long to realize what you need to do?

I'm sure he'd tell you just what I'm about to tell you now.

You've got this. For the sake of yourself and your kids you'll do what needs to be done regardless and no one will tell you otherwise.

You've got my support bro and if you need more the cool bastards her will have your back in a heartbeat. Stay confident and strong man. Update if you can and remember you're not in the wrong here.

Your right, I would have never put up with this 25 years ago. She would have been long gone on the first indication of cheating. My concern now is my kids and how this will effect them now and the future.

The only way you can help them, is to first help yourself. You need to get a place of your own bud. Get your roots somewhere else. Screw the house. You don't want those memories anymore anyways. You've got to have your own time to recover anyways and be able to see them when you can. Joint custody is probably your best bet in my personal opinion.

I know D isn't what you want and maybe you're not ready to go that route yet. But if she is willing to sign then think about using her fog to your advantage.

More time with the kids, spousal support, first refusal, etc etc.

You can always stop the divorce if she comes back to her senses.

I didn't see it, so just in case no one's said it yet, check out the Healing Library, on the upper left. Be sure an read up on the 180,which will help you detach, and may be what you need most right now.

Eat and stay hydrated . . . if you need to see a doctor to get pharmaceutical help to sleep, consider that. You will get lots of help and advice here, but also consider getting professional counseling if you think you could use it.

If it helps, make a plan for yourself for the next few weeks. You can change any plan as needed, but knowing you have some path (even a hastily thrown together one at first) will give you something to hold on to. This should be very basic though . . . you probably shouldn't make any major decisions until things are a bit more stable for you. In the mean time . . . plan things to do . . . Maybe force yourself to watch a comedy, go to the gym, schedule some things you can really enjoy with the kids. Center on taking care of yourself and your kids. Check in here as needed, especially if (or more likely 'when') you experience some of the real lows of this kind of situation. Hang in there!

[This message edited by c24j at 6:26 PM, March 4th (Friday)]

Welcome to SI. You have already gotten a lot of good advice.

It is impossible to understand how our cheating spouses can just up and leave, so don't even try. Concentrate on yourself and your children.

The first couple months after D-Day are very, very difficult. It DOES get easier but it's a gradual process, so don't be too hard on yourself right now.

Keep posting...it helps!

Her acting like she did nothing wrong all the time is always a killer, no remorse.